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#1 thefrostedside

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  • Dx:Vasectomy
  • My Clinic:Conceptia

Posted 14 February 2017 - 01:36 AM

So we are pursuing IVF with TESA because df had a vasectomy over 10 years ago.  We both have children from prior relationships but have now decided we want a baby together.  We have been told we aren't candidates for reversal and he has said he isn't interested in reversal.  I think the problem I'm having is that I have been researching the heck out of everything so that I know as much as I possibly can going into our consult as you can only cover so much in a short amount of time and if you don't even know the basics I feel like you're wasting your time/money.


Df?  Not so much.  Until I had a mini melt down tonight he hadn't even looked into any part of the procedure and even when he did look into it tonight he only looked at the TESA portion, didn't bother to look into what IVF actually entails.  His logic is that this is what we have decided we are doing so we will do what we have to do and he doesn't want to know all of the possible risks and side effects because it will make him hesitant.


I'm probably being unreasonable but this is making me feel like he isn't invested in this process nor in my health in general.  I know that over research everything but the childish side of me is irritated.  Add to that the recommendation came from the urologist here (not the one at our clinic) today that we should just consider DS because it's less invasive, less money, less risky, etc.  I simply relayed what the email said and he lost it about us deciding to have a baby "together" and using DS isn't "together"...first, in mind head it totally is because DNA doesn't make a parent and second, we are a blended family, my ex husband has no interest in our children and my df has stepped in 100% and is dad to them...I'm trying not to be hurt by the comment but it makes me question how he feels towards the kids we are currently raising "together".

Sorry just needed to vent and didn't know where else to turn.

#2 Highest hopes

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  • Gender:Female
  • Dx:Endometriosis
  • My Clinic:McGill, OriginElle, Aurora, & RUH

Posted 14 February 2017 - 01:51 AM

I've had the same experience for years regarding the researching, learning, prepping etc. :(

Eventually we ended up me still doing all of that and telling him what is most important to read, which he does. Also, I slack off on other things because I do so much reading, and he picks up the slack.

Neither of us is really happy with the situation but that is normally how it ends up.
Dx: Age & Endometriosis & Tubal


#3 schlepp

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  • Location:Toronto
  • Dx:Male Factor

Posted 14 February 2017 - 01:16 PM

I guess I'm in a similar position but on the other side. My partner has two children from his previous marriage and had a vasectomy. But I have no children. We also discussed donor sperm but I felt that since he has the genetic connection to his children, that this would be less of a connection. He is also not nearly as excited about the idea of another child. He has left it up to me but if I decide I don't want a child he would be fine with it. While I enjoy my partners children, I definitely don't feel connected to them. They have a great mum and are teens so I'm more like an aunt in their lives.

Sorry I don't have any answers on this. My partner definitely doesn't do the research. He actually though a reversal would be cheap, easy and 100% successful. I had to do the research and get us into a urologist who then said it was none of those things.

Sorry you're going through this.

(age 38) June 2016 IVF #1 antagonist, 13 mature eggs, 4 fertilized, 1 blast frozen

October 2016 FET #1 cancelled, thin lining

Changed clinics

(age 39) April 2017 FET #1.1 BFN

July 2017 partner has vasectomy reversal

Feb & March 2018 - Medicated IUI x2 - BFN (even with 7 mature follicles on the 2nd IUI)

(age 40) May 2018 IVF#2, lupron flare, 7 mature eggs, 5 fertilized, 1 blast & 1 morula fresh transfer, BFN. 1 low quality blast frozen

June 2018 IVF#3 mini stim, 1 egg, immature

Sept/Oct 2018 IVF#4 antagonist with HGH - CANCELLED due to high estrogen/29mm cyst

Oct 2018 IVF#4.1 antagonist with HGH - 7 eggs, all mature, 6 fertilized, 2 blasts on day 6, PGS tested/euploid

November 2018 FET #2 w/immune protocol and 1 PGS tested -  BFN

Locus Medicus testing for virus, bacteria and immune issues. Husband treated.

(age 41) April 2019 IVF#5 converted to IUI#3 due to follicle growth. BFP 12 day post IUI. Di/Di twins.

Dec 17 2019 - Baby boy and girl born at 36 weeks + 2 days. Everyone very healthy. 


See my 'about me' page for more detail on my treatment history.

#4 amp77

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  • My Clinic:OFC

Posted 14 February 2017 - 03:36 PM

I think sometimes people are different.  With some things, some people want all the details and others just want to show up and go with the flow.


My hubby didn't want to get too detailed on anything other than meds and side effects.  Procedure stuff he didn't care about.  But he 100% wanted to have a child, he just left research up to me.


Take finances. I want to pay a financial advisor just so it is done and I don't have to think about it.  He wants to save the fees and research and do it himself... which we have done so well for the last 15 years ;)  


I would talk to him but try not to be argumentative or anything.  Just be sure you are on the same page even if your paaths and ways of getting there and dealing with things may not be the same.


Good luck and *hugs*

Age 40, DH 44 in Oct.

TTC on and off since 2007 before our second IVF, in 2014, brought us our beautiful son and our first FET brought us our second son in 2017.  Our family is complete!


IVF #1 - April 2014 - BFN - no frosties


IVF #2 - July 2014 - BFP - 5B-AB and 4 frosties (5B-BB, 2x4B-BB and 3B-BB)

Apr. 13, 2015 - Daniel Erik was born at 5:05 am, weight 8 lbs, 13 oz, and 22" long.  He is perfect in every way.


FET #1 - September 2016 - BFP - 5B-BB and 3 frosties (2x4B-BB and 3B-BB)

June 18, 2017 - Matthew William was born at 2:46 am, weight 8 lbs, 11 oz and 21" long.  He is perfect in every way too!



#5 thefrostedside

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Posted 15 February 2017 - 03:23 PM

Thanks guys I appreciate it. He did some research after I told him how his lack of research was bothering me...but now it seems that he thinks he's an expert lol. He even went so far as to say that "we are paying for treatment so we should be allowed to say what we want". an extent sure...but come on...his degree is in advertising...mine is poli sci/linguistics...neither of those is remotely medically driven. Heck I'm trained as a paramedic and even I'm not as cocky as he has suddenly gotten. Hoping he changes his tune a bit before our consult on the 9th lol.

#6 Highest hopes

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  • Gender:Female
  • Dx:Endometriosis
  • My Clinic:McGill, OriginElle, Aurora, & RUH

Posted 15 February 2017 - 06:05 PM

I think it's fantastic that you spoke to him about this, and he immediately acted upon it!  Very impressive!!

I think it's awesome that he wants to speak up too!

Dx: Age & Endometriosis & Tubal


#7 Wriggler

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  • Location:SoCal
  • Dx:Other
  • My Clinic:Reproductive Sciences Medical Center

Posted 07 May 2017 - 04:05 PM

Somewhat similar here. My hubby had a vasectomy. We did the TESA last Tuesday with the ER and all went well. He also isn't one to want to know all the info, he's of the trust your doc and he leans on me to tell him what he needs to know. He does listen at these times though and is supportive. Some just approach things differently, I'm all for as much research as possible. I know my hubby would never go for donor sperm. He also does not want a reversal.


Hope all went well at your appointment on the 9th x