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Almostdad, looking for other (almost) dads


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#1 DadUpgrade_Postponed

  • Just Hatched
  • 2 posts
  • Dx:PCOS
  • My Clinic:UZ Leuven

Posted 18 January 2017 - 12:38 PM

Hi, Hello, Goodafternoon, (pick your favourite greeting)


I'm looking for a friend. Or two. Or more.


I want to be a dad. Whole my life. My wife wants to be a mom, with every ounce of her beautifull and wonderfull self. She's going to be the kind of mom who is going to love being a kid more then the kid is going to love it. It sounds strange, but it's the shortest way of saying it.


For almost 2 years now, we are trying to get pregnant. After marriage and a house, it seemed like the perfect ending in the trilogy of our early adulthood lives.


When she quit her anticonception medication. Things started to get weird. Her period was late. As in, 3 months late. You'd think she was pregnant, but no. Multiple tests told us so. We discovered after 8 months and in total 1,5 menstrual cycles, she had PCOS. Simply put: disaster on a microscopic scale.


She was devasted. But being the optimist and neverrelenting woman she is, she went for the alternatives. Hell bent on getting that kid pushed out of her vagina some day. At that point, 8 months in our 2 year story, she thought that would be the most difficult part. Getting that little human being out of her body. I still like to remind her of that, she shuckles at the sound of it.


We went through the clomit medication a couple of months after that. The problems stayed the same.  After two months of clommitindused moodswings we had enough of it. This wasn't helping her problem because her cycles still werent synced up as it should be. Two months seem a short time, but she hadn't had her period in those 60 days.


Then one of her follicles formed a cyst and exploded. That's exactly the word the doctor used: exploded.  I cried. But I had to be strong, so not in front of her. I wasn't the one who felt that my body was betraying me, I wasn't to one that didn't feel a woman... Dark and sad days followed. I comforted her and listened. But to be honest, I didn't have a clue what to say. Every night my shoulder would be wet with her tears. Hugging and holding can only do so much.


Then we went to another babydoctor. THE babydoctor if his credentials are to be believed. After turning both of us inside out, we could start an IVF procedure. Costly, but with the ultimate price at the end of the ride.  (and it helps to have a healthcare system that understands)

We both got our instructions. I needed to lose weight for the perfect sperm and she had to get that cycle under control. We eacht fullfilled our assignments perfectly. After 2 months (and for me 10kilograms) later, we could start our first pickup. For this, her PCOS was handy, lots of eggs and lots of good ones. After the pickup, the fertilising and freezing(we had to do the criothing) we had 4 embryo's good to go.


That was in september 2016. No we are 2 attempts later and we are going for the third attempt. This time, she wants to put back both remaining embryo's at once. The doktor agreed but there are dangers of having twins. Like twice the love, matching outfits and having to pick out two names. But seriously, twin pregnancies carry a high risk of losing the child. Or mother. Most of them go okay.


We are just hoping at least one of the 2 will take a hold and grows to a miniature human being.

The transfer of the embryo's will be next week. And I worry more about the possible failure then about the the possible twins.


What I want to say is. These fertility treatments are hard on a woman. The hormones, the uncertainty, the shots(I can help there and I can stab my wife with a needle. Less fun then it sounds) I just know she is the stronger one of the both of us. And I can't bear the thought of not being able to do more then being present.


As a man who has to stand, sit, lie next to all of this happening, I'm trying to feel. I don't know what to feel or think sometimes. She has to go through all of this and I can't do anything.

I'm litteraly a bystander. Even though half of the genetic material is mine, the effort, phyiscal strain and hardships are all on her. I know it means a lot to her that I'm there for her and sit through all of it together. But it kind of sucks too because I can't do anything. It's the helplessness that freaks me out. The urge to scream at the bloody world is a feeling I can't quite shake.


Is there at least one other dude out there that feels the same? Is there one man out there that feels as helpless as I do?


Thank you for reading,

I like you already.

*I'm not a native English speaker. Every mistake is to blamed on my education. Which was pretty good.

  • annatarz79 likes this

#2 amp77

  • 1000+
  • 2746 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Dx:Unexplained
  • My Clinic:OFC

Posted 18 January 2017 - 09:23 PM

I am not a dad but, welcome!  I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation but there is a lot of support here.  You sound like an amazing husband and your wife is lucky to have someone by her side that cares so much and has so much concern for her well-being through the process.  It is an isolating process and she has you every step of the way, which is wonderful!


Best of luck to you and I hope that your next transfer will be successful!

  • Yearning and lumnay like this

Age 40, DH 44 in Oct.

TTC on and off since 2007 before our second IVF, in 2014, brought us our beautiful son and our first FET brought us our second son in 2017.  Our family is complete!


IVF #1 - April 2014 - BFN - no frosties


IVF #2 - July 2014 - BFP - 5B-AB and 4 frosties (5B-BB, 2x4B-BB and 3B-BB)

Apr. 13, 2015 - Daniel Erik was born at 5:05 am, weight 8 lbs, 13 oz, and 22" long.  He is perfect in every way.


FET #1 - September 2016 - BFP - 5B-BB and 3 frosties (2x4B-BB and 3B-BB)

June 18, 2017 - Matthew William was born at 2:46 am, weight 8 lbs, 11 oz and 21" long.  He is perfect in every way too!



#3 SunshineTTC

  • 1000+
  • 1037 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Regina, SK
  • Dx:DOR
  • My Clinic:VFC

Posted 18 January 2017 - 10:34 PM

I'm not male either (and unfortunately I'm not so lucky to have a supportive husband like you) but I just wanted to say welcome, and that I noticed you are in Leuven -- that is where my mother's side of the family is from.  Though I have not visited now for 10 years, I grew up going to visit my relatives every summer, many happy memories.

  • Yearning, CdnHockeyGal and lumnay like this

Me: 40 41 42 43 44 45, single, FSH 6, LH 2 (FSH not high, but exceeded 2:1 ratio), DOR (AFC 5-7, v.low AMH), all else normal/healthy.

After a difficult 6 year journey of everything going wrong, amazing baby boy born Dec 2018.  Donor sperm + DEB-USA donor eggs.  Detailed journey in 'about me'.


#4 s00n

  • 1000+
  • 1247 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Canada
  • Interests:Him- Potential SA issues Me- PCOS like crazy/anovulation/long cycles. Started TTC before 30.TTC/Secondary Infertility(2008-2015) - Adopted from public system in Ontario 2012.Freeze-All IVF after OHSS, and successful FET 2015 @ 36Yrs Old.
  • Dx:PCOS
  • My Clinic:OFC

Posted 19 January 2017 - 12:47 PM

Another not-dad. But I had PCOS like your wife, and we got 5 embryos after our first IVF cycle. We went straight to freezing and then transferred our best and first embryo for a successful pregnancy. One of the things I loved my husband for was that he was willing to talk publicly like I was about our infertility. It really helped me because sometimes people keep it quiet or act like it's so private - and for me it was so consuming that to hide it would be impossible.


One thing I did was no birth control prior to cycle. I know sometimes they want to time it with that, but I refused. (Don't recall why, but I did.) We were successful with just Estrace, and then after transfer Progesterone in Oil injections all the way to 10 weeks. (I think I quit around 5 - that needle is long, that stuff is itchy.)

Your desire and tenacity as well as your openness to communicate will serve you both well. I am so so sorry you're going through this and wish you the best of luck.

See my about me page for details on our IF journey including adoption and other avenues.

#5 gojetsgo

  • Just Hatched
  • 1 posts
  • Dx:PCOS

Posted 25 January 2017 - 07:23 PM

You are currently in the middle of the hardest part of the infertility journey. It's essentially purgatory. Weeks and months of agony. Hope constantly crushed, only for that very hope to return with more anxiety than you knew existed. Your story is quite similar to my own.


My wife has PCOS. She was "fortunate enough" to have found out when she was in her mid-20s so by the time we got married, we hit the ground running day 1 straight into fertility treatments. We started on clomid full of optimism. After 5 unsuccessful attempts, including two IUIs and one chemical pregnancy, the doc cut us off. Her lining was shrinking and it simply wasn't working. We were recommended to go straight to IVF.


Enter the real financially stressful part of the journey. The money gets spent so quick, it's overwhelming. Our IVF cycle went extraordinary well, so well in fact, my wife ended up with OHSS and we had 20 day 5 embryos to work with. Due to the OHSS, we were forced to do a freeze-all and give my wife a two month recovery period before we could do a transfer. Two months pass and we gear up for the transfer. It went well. Very well. We were pregnant! But then at 6 weeks we found out the heartbeat was quite low. At the next ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. We miscarried. It was absolutely awful. As many of us here are aware, there are no words to describe how low this feels. Our doctor wanted to have a genetics test done on the fetus to determine if it was a viable pregancy. The tests came back with a huge surprise. Not only was the pregnancy viable, it was identical twin boys! It was the biggest shock to the system after already experiencing the biggest shock to the system. 


A year passed since we first started and we seemed to be so much further behind. Not only were we not pregnant, nearly all of my wife's closest friends got pregnant during that year. On top of the constant social media barrage of birth announcements and new borns, we were closing in on pure despair. Just like the IVF cycle, we had to wait two months for my wife to recover from the D&C to go for a 2nd try. 


I almost don't even remember the weeks surrounding our 2nd attempt. The weather was miserable. The transfer came and went as if it never even happened. Nothing did happen. A complete swing and a miss. We started to allow ourselves to think that about the next steps (surrogacy? adoption? no kids at all?). 


We waited until the new year to discuss our options with our doc. She was very optimistic that we would ultimately end up with a healthy pregnancy as she couldn't see anything in particular that was preventing us from carrying to term. She suggested CCS on our remaining 16 embryos. However, again, cost became a huge factor. After much deliberations we opted to have the embryos genetically tested. 11 came back as fully normal embryos with 23 matched chromosomes. 


Onward we marched to our 3rd attempt. In addition to viable embryos, our doc had my wife on a crazy cocktail of additional drugs. We were throwing the kitchen sink at this. Normally, clinics won't allow 2 embryos to be transferred post-CCS due to the very high likelihood of the embyro successfully implanting. However, due to the fact that our doc was befuddled by her not getting pregnant yet, she gave us the option of doing 1 or 2. We were so sick and tired of the process, we opted for two without much thought to the risks. 


2 weeks later, we found out we're pregnant! A few weeks after that....with twins! I'll spare the roller coaster of the pregnancy itself (as that's a whole other bag of emotions). 



Now I'll cut back to the emotions. As you know, this process is frustrating, hard, and beyond emotionally taxing. You are beside your wife through it all as this is all physically happening to her. But it is also emotionally happening to you on the inside. You have no outlet, since the only one in your life that understands what you are going through is your wife, who also happens to be going through this on the inside. It becomes so isolating. Our twins are a little over a year now, and I'm only know beginning to deal with the emotions that I personally experienced throughout the process. It's why I still visit the site and read everyone's stories. It's why you need to continue coming here to read and share. 


Keep being strong for your wife. But know that it's ok to take some time for yourself! Feel free to send me a PM if you want to share some stories or need some support. The heartbreak is real. 

  • amp77 and lumnay like this

#6 DadUpgrade_Postponed

  • Just Hatched
  • 2 posts
  • Dx:PCOS
  • My Clinic:UZ Leuven

Posted 29 January 2017 - 08:16 AM

Thank you for all the support. I know everybody on here has his or her own stories, so i thaugh I could share mine.

We are now on our 3rd attempt en things are going well. We put back 2 frosties and next week, the 6th of february, we get our results back. So it's still 7 days of dreadfull waiting. But we're doing great!


@gojetsgo: You hit it on the spot. The only persons who knows exactly what is going on, has to deal with it even more what i'm going through. So I tell myself I can't complain, I can't show a weakness because i'm afraid that it will make her even more afraid or stressed or anything else that will make it harder for her to bare all of this.

Currently I'm in a good place, but it comes and goes with her moods and her troubles. I do my best to stay cheerfull and hopefull that we are getting there.

Again, thank you all!

#7 hopefuldadsomeday

  • Global 100+
  • 746 posts
  • Dx:Unexplained
  • My Clinic:Olive Fertility

Posted 17 May 2017 - 02:49 PM

Thanks for posting!  I agree, one of the most frustrating parts is that we simply have no control over the outcome!  When we went through our miscarriages, the feeling of loss/hopelessness/anger was very overwhelming.  We ended up getting counseling which has helped (Like you, I tried to "put on a strong face" and she had no idea how I really felt until we went for counseling).  We will shortly be undergoing IVF with CCS, and are trying to prepare ourselves for the scenario that even after multiple rounds we cannot succeed.  We take solace that even in worst case scenario where we cannot have a baby, at least we have each other.  It has been a lonely journey for us, as by choice we have not told any of our friends/family (our family/friends keep asking us when we will be having children? -sigh).  This forum has helped smile.png


Wishing you and your wife all the best, and hope 3rd time is the charm for you guys!

March 2016 - Miscarriage #1 (chemical pregnancy)

August 2016 -  Miscarriage #2 (Trisomy-16)

December 2016 - Miscarriage #3 (unknown - suspected chromosomal abnormality)

IVF #1 - Aug 2017 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol) - 9 eggs retrieved, 3 fertilized, 2 blastocysts, only 1 PGS normal embryo 5BB mitoscore 25.1 (frozen)

IVF #2 - Nov 2017 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol - with testosterone priming and growth hormone) - 7 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized with ICSI, 1 blastocyst PGS-normal 5BB mitoscore 33.12 (frozen)

IVF #3 - Jan 2018 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol with growth hormone) -  4 eggs retrieved, 2 fertilized with ICSI, 1 blastocyst PGS-normal 6BB mitoscore 29.82 (frozen)

FET #1 - March 2018 - cancelled due to thin lining (6.25mm)

FET #1.2 - April 2018 - cancelled due to thin lining again! (4.85mm)

FET #1.3 - June 4, 2018 (lining 7.5mm!) - th_abfn.gif

ERA Aug 2018 - Pre-receptive by 1 day

FET #2 - Sep 18, 2018 (lining 6.9mm) th_abfp.gif  Beta #1: Sep 30, 2018 - 682  Beta #2: Oct 6,2018 - 6656 U/S: Oct 15 - measuring 6w4d (CRL 6.87mm), HR 127bpm! U/S: Oct 25 - measuring 8w1d (CRL 16.69mm), HR 168bpm!  Discharged to midwives!  June 7, 2019: It's a girl!  DD born 7lb 2oz babygirl.gif

FET #3 - Oct 4, 2021 (lining 8.8mm!)  th_abfp.gif  Beta #1: Oct 14, 2021: 415, Beta #2: Oct 21, 2021: 4778 U/S: Nov 1, 2021 - measuring 6w4d, CRL 6.6mm, HR 133bm! U/S: Nov 15, 2021 - measuring 8w6d (CRL: 22.3mm), HR 182bpm!  Discharged to midwives!

#8 Cassandra_Angela

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  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Hamilton, Ontario
  • Dx:Unexplained
  • My Clinic:HART

Posted 19 May 2017 - 09:05 AM

Hopefully the 3rd time was the charm flow.gif

Please see "about me" section for details

Pictures tell a thousand words: https://www.instagra...dra_angela1981/