This is mostly a vent...I just need to get it out.
Life is seeming pretty unfair right now.
By most accounts, on this forum, I'm probably pretty fortunate. After trying for over a year, we found out in March 2014 that my husband and I were dealing with male factor infertility and would need to do IVF to have a child. We had a very successful cycle in July 2014, which resulted in 11 frozen blastocysts and one wonderful son, who is now almost 2 years old. We have an awesome kid - and lots of opportunity to try for more.
We knew we wanted a second child. I'm a teacher, so having a July/August baby would be ideal. My son was born in April, which means I had to leave/comeback in the middle of the school year, which is stressful all around. So, instead of trying again in July 2016, like we had originally planned, we waited until November, in hopes of better timing. There was no guarantee, of course, but we figured we would at least take a shot. We did our FET at the end of November. 10 days later, I did a home pregnancy test and got a pretty strong positive. I wasn't surprised - for my son, I had no symptoms. This time, I felt pregnant. I was hungry and tired all the time. On December 13th, two days before my birthday, I went for my blood test. They called back later that same day to confirm what I already knew - I was pregnant. Later that same night, I started spotting. By 3am, it was clear to me what was happening. I was miscarrying. The next couple days were a whirlwind (when all I wanted to do was lie in bed and shut the world out) - a trip to the ER and a visit to the clinic later - it was confirmed the next day (the day before my birthday) that my HCG level was indeed dropping and that this pregnancy was to be short-lived. I actually felt better once I knew for sure. I hate being in limbo - holding on to a shred of hope - so the results were the first step toward moving past thing.
Meanwhile, in the midst of our FET, we found out that my sister-in-law is pregnant with their third child. It stung a bit to hear that, but we'd been through that before. Her second pregnancy happened while we were struggling the first time around. But, we could look at it as if it might be neat, if our FET was successful, to have cousins around the same age. After my miscarriage, I wasn't really sure how to deal with her. They officially "announced" to the family on Christmas. It came and went...I said a quick congratulations, but that's all I could muster. I'm not going to lie, I probably wouldn't be thrilled for her without our loss....they can barely handle the two kids they have and I'm not sure she even wants more kids - though I know he does. But the timing of this all makes it harder to pretend.
Wednesday morning, I went for my final blood test, to ensure that my HCG levels had dropped right down to zero (the clinic was closed for two weeks over the holidays). Originally, I was supposed to be going that day for my first ultrasound. Unbeknownst to me, one of my best friends, who has a daughter about a week older than my son, was actually going for her first ultrasound. I didn't know she was pregnant, though I suspected. We had talked about trying for our second and trying to have them at the same time so we'd be off on maternity leave together again. I know she got pregnant quite easily the first time around and that they had decided around the same time we did to try. So, all along, I was bracing myself for news that she was pregnant. Well, yesterday that news came - but not only is she pregnant, but she's pregnant with twins.
I'm happy for her. I really am. She's a great mom and a great friend. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to tell me. She knows about our struggles and our loss. In a way, the twin thing made it easier for me - I could focus on the twin aspect of things rather than the "pregnant" aspect of it all and ask lots of questions. However, it doesn't change the fact that next time I see her, she's pregnant and I'm not. And it all just seems a bit unfair.
I have no poker face. I don't lie and I hate being cryptic. If someone asks me how I'm feeling, I'm likely just to tell them because I'm not good and hiding it anyway. I'm not sure how to be happy for others when I'm sad for me. I'm not jealous. I'm a bit bitter at the world - not at individuals. I try to tell myself that it felt like this the first time around, and it all worked out. And I'm confident it will again. But I just don't get why we have to wait/struggle when others seem to get what they want so easily.
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