Dealing with others when life seems unfair... - Coping with Infertility - Forums

Jump to content

- - - - -

Dealing with others when life seems unfair...

  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 sn02py

  • Member
  • 68 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:London, ON
  • Interests:Teaching, Reading, Netflixing, Being a Mom
  • Dx:Male Factor
  • My Clinic:LHSC

Posted 06 January 2017 - 10:56 AM

This is mostly a vent...I just need to get it out.


Life is seeming pretty unfair right now.


By most accounts, on this forum, I'm probably pretty fortunate.  After trying for over a year, we found out in March 2014 that my husband and I were dealing with male factor infertility and would need to do IVF to have a child.  We had a very successful cycle in July 2014, which resulted in 11 frozen blastocysts and one wonderful son, who is now almost 2 years old.  We have an awesome kid - and lots of opportunity to try for more.


We knew we wanted a second child.  I'm a teacher, so having a July/August baby would be ideal.  My son was born in April, which means I had to leave/comeback in the middle of the school year, which is stressful all around.  So, instead of trying again in July 2016, like we had originally planned, we waited until November, in hopes of better timing.  There was no guarantee, of course, but we figured we would at least take a shot.  We did our FET at the end of November.  10 days later, I did a home pregnancy test and got a pretty strong positive.  I wasn't surprised - for my son, I had no symptoms.  This time, I felt pregnant.  I was hungry and tired all the time.  On December 13th, two days before my birthday, I went for my blood test.  They called back later that same day to confirm what I already knew - I was pregnant.  Later that same night, I started spotting.  By 3am, it was clear to me what was happening.  I was miscarrying.  The next couple days were a whirlwind (when all I wanted to do was lie in bed and shut the world out) - a trip to the ER and a visit to the clinic later - it was confirmed the next day (the day before my birthday)  that my HCG level was indeed dropping and that this pregnancy was to be short-lived. I actually felt better once I knew for sure.  I hate being in limbo - holding on to a shred of hope - so the results were the first step toward moving past thing.


Meanwhile, in the midst of our FET, we found out that my sister-in-law is pregnant with their third child.  It stung a bit to hear that, but we'd been through that before.  Her second pregnancy happened while we were struggling the first time around.  But, we could look at it as if it might be neat, if our FET was successful, to have cousins around the same age.  After my miscarriage, I wasn't really sure how to deal with her.  They officially "announced" to the family on Christmas.  It came and went...I said a quick congratulations, but that's all I could muster.  I'm not going to lie, I probably wouldn't be thrilled for her without our loss....they can barely handle the two kids they have and I'm not sure she even wants more kids - though I know he does. But the timing of this all makes it harder to pretend.


Wednesday morning, I went for my final blood test, to ensure that my HCG levels had dropped right down to zero (the clinic was closed for two weeks over the holidays).  Originally, I was supposed to be going that day for my first ultrasound.  Unbeknownst to me, one of my best friends, who has a daughter about a week older than my son, was actually going for her first ultrasound.  I didn't know she was pregnant, though I suspected.  We had talked about trying for our second and trying to have them at the same time so we'd be off on maternity leave together again.  I know she got pregnant quite easily the first time around and that they had decided around the same time we did to try.  So, all along, I was bracing myself for news that she was pregnant.  Well, yesterday that news came - but not only is she pregnant, but she's pregnant with twins.


I'm happy for her.  I really am.  She's a great mom and a great friend.  I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to tell me.  She knows about our struggles and our loss.  In a way, the twin thing made it easier for me - I could focus on the twin aspect of things rather than the "pregnant" aspect of it all and ask lots of questions.  However, it doesn't change the fact that next time I see her, she's pregnant and I'm not.  And it all just seems a bit unfair.  


I have no poker face.  I don't lie and I hate being cryptic.  If someone asks me how I'm feeling, I'm likely just to tell them because I'm not good and hiding it anyway.  I'm not sure how to be happy for others when I'm sad for me.  I'm not jealous.  I'm a bit bitter at the world - not at individuals.  I try to tell myself that it felt like this the first time around, and it all worked out.  And I'm confident it will again.  But I just don't get why we have to wait/struggle when others seem to get what they want so easily.



Me: 33 (everything fine)  DH:  31 (previous testicular cancer)


IVF Cycle #1: July 2014:  12 blastocysts, one transferred.  BFP.  Son born April 2015.

FET #1: November 2016: BFP, resulted in early miscarriage

FET #2: February 2017: BFP, another MC

FET #3: July 2017: BFN

#2 amp77

  • 1000+
  • 2746 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Dx:Unexplained
  • My Clinic:OFC

Posted 06 January 2017 - 03:18 PM

*big hugs*


I am sorry that so much is happening at once and I hope that your wishes will come true sooner, rather than later!

Age 40, DH 44 in Oct.

TTC on and off since 2007 before our second IVF, in 2014, brought us our beautiful son and our first FET brought us our second son in 2017.  Our family is complete!


IVF #1 - April 2014 - BFN - no frosties


IVF #2 - July 2014 - BFP - 5B-AB and 4 frosties (5B-BB, 2x4B-BB and 3B-BB)

Apr. 13, 2015 - Daniel Erik was born at 5:05 am, weight 8 lbs, 13 oz, and 22" long.  He is perfect in every way.


FET #1 - September 2016 - BFP - 5B-BB and 3 frosties (2x4B-BB and 3B-BB)

June 18, 2017 - Matthew William was born at 2:46 am, weight 8 lbs, 11 oz and 21" long.  He is perfect in every way too!



#3 yaenaSK

  • Global 100+
  • 972 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Dx:Other
  • My Clinic:Aurora

Posted 06 January 2017 - 03:42 PM

I am so sorry - that is a lot to deal with all at once. Any one piece of it would be stressful and emotionally (and maybe physically) difficult to come to terms with - trying to do it all at the same time is so hard.


I hope you'll find space here to vent and feel understood. What you're feeling is so normal - take care of yourself. heart.gifflow.gif

Me: 38

DH: 43


June, July, Aug, Sep 2016: IUI. All BFN.

January 2017: IVF #1. 7 eggs retrieved, 6 fertilized. 1 transferred on day 5 - BFP! DD born 10/08/17. heart.gif (2 embryos frozen)

Nov 2018: FET #1. 1 transferred. Chemical pregnancy.

Dect 2018: FET #2. Last embryo transferred. BFN.

April 2019: IVF #2. 16 eggs retrieved, 11 fertilized. 1 transferred on day 5 (5 frozen). Chemical pregnancy again.

Aug 2019: FET #3. 1 transferred - BFP!  Lost HB at 9 week U/S. MMC.  cry.gif

Nov 2019: FET #4. 1 transferred - BFP again! DD due Aug 6/20

#4 quandry


    Basket Case

  • Cyclebase
  • 6250 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Dx:DOR

Posted 07 January 2017 - 01:30 PM


I'm so sorry for your loss. I hear you. And it's so hard when you see others getting what you dream of. And it is unfair. Completely and totally. Hugs hugs hugs. We have all felt the same way at one time or another.

I had something similar happen... we had struggled through four losses, and decided to switch clinics. The new clinic required all new testing, and I let the dr know at my shg that I was prone to infections, but she told me not to worry that I didn't need prophylactic antibiotics. Well. I did as it turned out, because I landed up with a severe uterine infection. Which I was given the wrong meds for. Twice. Which then led to a combined uterine and kidney infection. But the hospitals kept screwing up and were only treating one infection or the other (unbeknownst to me) and things kept getting progressively worse. I finally gave up and by a big city hospital and spent the day hooked up to Iv antibiotics and painkillers. And I got the text message that my sil was in labour. So while she got a baby I got a sick and broken uterus. I was thrilled.

Flash forward a few months and we were finally pregnant. At 12 weeks we shared with friends at a wedding. My sil didn't even look at me much less congratulate either dh or I. Two days later we lost the pregnancy and suddenly she was all "I love you." Well. I don't do fake either and didn't even bother to reply.

Anyways, sorry for the diatribe. Just wanted to say that I get it. You are not alone. So many of us here have been in similar situations.
  • lumnay likes this

See about me page.



#5 sn02py

  • Member
  • 68 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:London, ON
  • Interests:Teaching, Reading, Netflixing, Being a Mom
  • Dx:Male Factor
  • My Clinic:LHSC

Posted 08 January 2017 - 08:39 PM

Thanks for the replies, everyone. It's nice to be able to vent without potentially offending someone or being told I'm overthinking things. My husband has been great through the whole thing, but he's always so darn laid back about everything that I feel like a crazy person when I can't shut my brain off.

I'm so sorry for everyone's losses. Life just seems to deal some of us a crappier hand than others.

Me: 33 (everything fine)  DH:  31 (previous testicular cancer)


IVF Cycle #1: July 2014:  12 blastocysts, one transferred.  BFP.  Son born April 2015.

FET #1: November 2016: BFP, resulted in early miscarriage

FET #2: February 2017: BFP, another MC

FET #3: July 2017: BFN