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Where's Shawn?


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#1

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Posted 08 February 2005 - 08:59 PM

I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you... :flowers:

#2 Natiko

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Posted 08 February 2005 - 09:30 PM

Hey Kel,

I was going to write to YOU, lol, asking how YOU were doing!! You beat me to it :P .

I'm hanging in there, kinda numb right now and really trying hard to keep busy. I've accepted that this is my period - it is SO my period, no doubt about it. I might still do the other HPT on Thursday, who knows... :dontknow: . I showed my son the first one and asked "How many lines do you see?" Right away he said "Two". So, I'm still really confused about the HCG leaving my system, we'll see on Friday for sure I guess. I really don't want to go though.

We've decided to do another cycle, too. Where the money will come from, I have NO idea :icon_question: , but I'm going to get it somehow (don't phone any 900 numbers :rofl: ) KIDDING!!!! I can't let myself think that this was it, it's just not fair how that was my chance and it's over now. I would have felt better if I had some frosties, but I don't, I have nothing. So, I'm going to call the clinic and see what I have to do to start a new cycle. I talked to my mom today and she asked me how much we actually spent on this, so I think she might have something in mind knowing her (she loves to help whenever she can), she always does something like this and surprises us! That would be a dream come true!!!!!!

Anyways, I still cry everytime I pee. I bought a box of tampons today and remembered what you said a while back "Lets hope that we don't see those for a long time" something like that... but it made me giggle then cry of course.

How are you doing? I hope everything is ok with you, oh my god I HOPE it works for you!!!! You and Sarah have been on my mind, I need to see another positive! All 4 girls that I went to the IVF clinic with all ened up with BFN's, I was shocked. I can't believe it. Pete is so p/o'ed, he wants to switch to Genesis (the other one in Vancouver), he feels that it was a really bad experience and we should get something back for all the emotional and physical crap (he said) and all the money we put into it, we should at least get another cycle at half price or something. He's mad. So... I don't know what to do now. I want to stay with the same people as they know me (inside and out :lol: ). I guess we'll wait and see.

Are you feeling anything different yet? No spotting, cramping? Are you relaxing and taking it easy? Remember, NO REGRETS, ok? Well, I'm going to have a bath now, I'm freezing. Ohhh I bought a Hyacinth (sp??) flower for my little lost embies :( . It's a little something to them for being with me for just a little while :wub: . Brrrrrr

Talk to you soon, please have good news for me :huh:
Thanks for thinking of me :blush:

Shawn

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Posted 09 February 2005 - 09:24 AM

:icon_cry: I am so glad to hear you are going to try again. If I was Pete, I might be a little pissed too...you didn't have a real nice experience now did you? If you have another choice of clinic, maybe you want to go there? I personally would, they could send you files over there...or....you could come to Calgary! :icon_wink: anyway, I am so glad to see your still ok! I am convincing myself already if this fails, I will be ok too. We will just keep trying until we are out of embies...originally I thought once we run out of our embies, I wouldn't go through it again...but I would. It wasn't that bad, was it? Well...you didn't exactly have a nice e/r...but other than that...anyway, we will worry about that when the time comes. :icon_wink:

As for me, how am I feeling?...well...I have been gassy... :download: LOL...but that has been for a while...(sorry... :blush: ) and bloated still...tender boobs, can't lay on them....not much for cramping the last day but the day before I had some strong ones....I have cried a couple of times for barely nothing and peeing like crazy. I have started testing using some test strips sent to me by a buddy who had IVF, they are used for IVF purposes. I have done 3 so far. This first one was a light line, 2 days after transfer, so that is the HCG still in my system. The second one was the next day and the line is barely there so the HCG is pretty much gone. And then again this morning...again a very very very faint line...so I don't know if it is because I barely have HCG produced in my body from the babes, or if it is still the trigger shot barely hanging on still...so I have another 2 weeks worth of tests...I get to pee on them everyday until my doctor appt...that will make this wait go by a little faster...my God, can you believe how bloody slow the days are going? UGH... :bang: :wall:

Anyway...I better run and shower and get ready for work...I will check back later and "chat"...boss is gone for 2 days!! So I can be left alone to chat for a bit once in awhile... :banana:

take it easy buddy :wavey:

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Posted 09 February 2005 - 11:57 AM

Shawn, I forgot to mention earlier this am...the Hyacinth for your babes is beautiful...I love Hyacinth's...they smell so good. So did you plant one in your yard or a potted one? :flowers:

#5 Natiko

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Posted 10 February 2005 - 01:03 PM

It's a potted one but I'll plant it soon, I bought some other ones, too, and an African Violet :) , tons of happy stuff! I have to plan carefully where I'm going to put them because one of our dogs runs the acreage here free during the day and I'm sure he'll think I planted them just for him to dig up!! :angry: Most of my flowers that I have (had) are in pots on my front porch. But we had the movie crew put in some new turf and now I have some really nice green grass that would look GREAT with some new flower beds :P . We'll see when Spring rolls around.

How are you today? Feeling good??? No change? Stick babies stick!! :dance:

Talk to you soon!
Shawn

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Posted 11 February 2005 - 09:08 AM

I am feeling good...breaking out like a teenager, tired, crampy now and then, bloated, tender boobs...so yeah, I am feeling good! I am sooooo glad it is the weekend finally! What a long week!

Everytime I go to pee now, I am starting to get scared of seeing spotting....I know that it is perfectly fine if I do...but I don't want it...I have been peeing on invetro hpts a buddy sent to me the past week as an experiment, and the first one still had the trigger shot so it was fat and slightly dark which was a week after the shot...then a few days in between I have been checking to see if it is gone and there were barely slivers the last couple of days...today is a fat faint line...it is faint but you can see it without squinting! so these days can't go by fast enough now...I want to see that line get darker now!

I can't wait to hear when you get started again...you will have to write me...I will see if I can PM you a message and give you my personal email...I don't know if I will check daily once I have these babes stick...don't know. Of course I will check in on everyone once in awhile...but not daily.

I am glad I have met you here on ivf.ca...you are a strong woman and you just stay that way! :drinks: I might need your strength by next week...who knows what will happen... :wavey:

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Posted 11 February 2005 - 07:25 PM

I am thinking of you today...I know you went to get your beta done... :flowers:

#8 Natiko

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Posted 14 February 2005 - 11:19 AM

Hey Kelly,

WOW, that sounds awesome about the sticks and the fat line, sounds promising for you! :banana: It has to be you, so many of us have had BFN's, haven't seen a BFP in so long now it seems. Well, I hope that you get a positive...I'm losing hope in all of this. It doesn't help that all the women I met at the clinic have also gotten BFN's, it's so discouraging. You'll totally give me hope, and it might be YOU that needs to support ME!

Thanks for the little post that you knew it was dreadded beta day. It was negative, of course. I'm glad that there was no positve and decreasing numbers, then I'd have even less hope as I've had too many m/c's. I DO know I can get pregnant, I just need some help :blush: . Hopefully this next time round. Oh and guess what, you know how I mentioned my mom seemed up to something? She's going to do it, she's going to pay for this next cycle! I was like :blink: :o :huh: :unsure: :icon_cry: ... all of those! Pete's very hesitant about doing it again, he's so afraid. He want's to have a baby, but he's more afraid of what this next cycle will do to me emotionally. I think I'm better preparred and will take it more in stride. I'm pretty sure I'll do better this time (psychologically) than last.

And you too for breaking out? I was breaking out like crazy, too!! I couldn't believe it! It was around a week after the transfer, so I think that's expected. The boobs were sore up until about 2 days before I started bleeding which was 10dpt. I remember the day I woke up and they weren't sore, that made me think it was over, too. So... I hope your boobs stay sore for a long time! :P I know what you mean about the peeing, I was terrified to pee everyday and see blood but like you said, it doesn't mean anything. If it's not like a full blown period, then I think it's ok, right? All the nurses that knew that I was bleeding heavily said that it was a period, but when I was just bleeding a little they all said it was ok - unless I started clotting, which I did, so... God, i just hope this works for you!!!! I'm almost in tears right now thinking of hearing that you got a BFP! The week is almost over, but it's fun for you because you get to pee on a stick everday! woo hooo!!

Oh it's Valentines Day! Happy Valentines day :P . I wish something good would happen soon, man! This last month has been so awful. One of my cats (favourite barn cat) has gone missing, I was walking all day around the barns and fields calling and calling, but he's nowhere. It got harder to call him cause I was in tears, have you ever tired to yell when you're crying? :icon_cry: I know it's almost spring, and he's probably (hopefully) out with a girl kitty from another barn, but he's never gone missing for more than a day and it's been 4 days. All the others are around except for him. Just the thought of a coyote or an eagle getting him kills me, I just want him to come home :tears: . Something good has GOT to happen soon! :angry: Ok enough... it's supposed to be a happy day! Hey, at least I can have sex now!!! :rofl: FINALLY! :P

Do I complain enough? :blush: Sure, why don't we exchange email addresses, :bang: , haven't thought of that cause you're so far away...well, far enough :P . I don't know what that has to do with anything but apparently it does :dontknow: . My email is [email protected] . I'm going to go have another coffee and catch up on some posts that I've missed this weekend, looks like I've missed tons! Let me know how you're doing and what happened today with the stick, can't wait to hear!!!!

Have a nice day, talk to you soon :drinks: oh oh oh, and I can finally have a drink!! I guess there is a good side to this :icon_wink:

Shawn

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Posted 14 February 2005 - 03:55 PM

Shawn,
Just wanted to say I'm so sorry about the bfn. I know it's so disappointing, but I also feel like next time round, you know far better what to expect from this whole thing. That's so awesome that your Mom is going to pay. She must understand what this means to you. Anyway, thinking of you and here's to the next round.

Maddy

#10 Natiko

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Posted 14 February 2005 - 07:13 PM

Hi Maddy,

Thanks a lot for the kind words :) . It's tough, I don't know how I'm making it through the day without breaking out in tears, I seriously thought I'd be a wreck. I've shed a lot more tears for my missing kitty than I've shed over the BFN - sometimes I think I'm just numb maybe. I've actually been fine up until today, I don't know what happened. I went out for a nice walk with a friend of mine, he just found out the news today that it didn't work, so we went out for a walk on the dyke in the sunshine. Anyhow, he said "You'd make a great mommy again, if I had one wish in the world it would be for you to have your baby." And the flood gates opened :icon_cry: !! I suprised myself that I cried, I guess hearing it from someone else really makes a difference in how you think about it. Boy oh boy, either way, I'm going about my days trying to smile and I can do it :D , see? :icon_wink:

I'm a little worried though about the pain that I'm getting in my cervix, it seems to really cramp up and goes right through to my rectal area, it's horrible. I have no clue why it's happening but it sure hurts. I'd understand if the cramps were in my uterus, but it's my cervix :icon_question: , I hope they go away soon. Sometimes it even hurts to sit down :ouch: .

How are you holding up? Are you going to do a fresh cycle or did you have any frosties? :( I wish this was easy. I wish this was super easy for all of us!! I'm going to enjoy these next few months waiting for the next cycle and really get myself back, I need to be me again. What do you do while waiting? Are you working? I don't think I could work right now if I tried :icon_exclaim: , no way!

Anyhow, thanks so much :wub: . I hope you're doing fine and hanging in there!

Shawn

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Posted 14 February 2005 - 09:29 PM

Shawn,

I also felt like I was holding up so well after the bfn- my husband was surprised as I think he was worried about how I would handle it. BUT, a month later I went for a job interview that I thought I had in the bag, and I didn't get it. Well, I broke down about everything. Funny how some things trigger the grief later. No, I am not working now. I have done a couple of contracts in the last few years, but I don't want to take a job now and then ask for a month off (as we have to travel for ivf). It's hard sometimes as at this point in my life I expected to have about 3 kids and a career!!! Oh well, I've learned not to expect anything and to try and enjoy each day with my son and work towards beiing healthy physically and emotionally (a tough one) for the next cycle. I was so mad that I didn't even get any frosties!! Anyway, I think we have decided on Calgary and have a consult there March 17/18. As you know, I didn't have a good feeling with Genesis. The last straw was that the Dr. wouldn't even talk to me on the phone about my cycle or the next one (another$9000) without charging $50.00 to my visa. Welcome to the world of private medicine!! Will you try UBC again? I'm trying to arrange acupuncture this time around- might as well pull out all the stops, as this is the last time for sure!!

Best of luck with everything and keep in touch,
Maddy

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Posted 14 February 2005 - 09:32 PM

I was so caught up in myself that I forgot to say sorry you are in pain- maybe have it checked out eh? Funny that you would have pain in the cervix. have you noticed any other changes after ivf?

bye for now,

Selfish

#13 Natiko

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 10:03 AM

I'm :rofl: , you're NOT selfish! It's ok, I only mentioned it because I thought maybe there was a chance that you might have felt a little funny after this whole IVF, too... hoping. Maybe I'll have it checked out if it doesn't go away soon.

So, you're doing Calgary, Foothills? That consult isn't too far away!! I wish I could go there but I'd be all alone because hubby would have to stay here and work. I have so many relatives there that I'd have a place to stay, but being without him during that time would be horrible for me!

Funny how you said that some things will trigger the grief... maybe that's why I'm crying so much over my cat. It wouldn't surprise me if it WAS really the cat that I'm crying over, but what you said makes total sense.

And the job situation... hubby keeps telling me to talk to my ex-boss and ask him if I can come back and work part time, but he knows darn well that I can't work during all of this, evenn if it is part time. And really, what employer would want you back for 2 months (not even) and then ask for a bunch of time off? He (old boss) knows what's involved as his sister-in-law and a friend of his family both went through this, not to mention that I just went through it and told him all about it! In a way I would love to go back to work just for a bit to take my mind off of things, but I think if something sad happened there I probably wouldn't stop crying... you know, like you said about the built up grief. Yaaa, probably not a good idea. :icon_exclaim:

You have an awesome outlook about enjoying time with your son and not expecting anything - that's what I'm doing, too. If you expect too much you fall even harder :( , that's what I've learned. Where do you draw the line about expecting too much and being positive? What a fine line, hu? Good for you, I think going into this a little more relaxed might help, well, I think it will help me some, hope it helps you! I'm making a point of going for a walk on the Seawall one of these nice, sunny days, that will make me happy for a while! It's so pretty out there, I always go home with a refreshed feeling :D . I also expected that I'd have my career and a few kids by now, too. Life sure throws a few curves at us!

I can't believe that Genesis charges a fee for phone consult!!!! Holy crap! :o How do they get away with that? I guess none of it's covered through MSP? Does that mean you have to pay for every test and u/s you get there? $9,000, what's that for? Is that including meds? Are your meds covered in any plan? Hmmm, accupuncture, I don't know if I can do that, gives me the willies :blush: . I was going to try yoga! I don't know if you gained any weight on your last cycle, but I sure did, not a whole lot, maybe 7 lbs or so, but enough to make me want to change something and excersize or take up some type of activity to shed these extra pounds :( .

Hey, did you feel cheated because you didn't have any to freeze, either? I felt SO cheated, like THAT'S IT???! That's ALL I get?? After ALL of that?? I was so p/o'ed, I tried so hard not to cry when I found that out (I found out while on the table for the transfer). That's when she decided to transfer the last 3 remaining embryos, too bad it didn't work like she thought it would <_< . I wonder what she'll do next time? I wonder how and if things will be different to give me a better chance? Can they give us a better chance so we have some to freeze? How many embryos and eggs did you have? Now I can't wait to find out next Friday if things will be different.

Well, the day has begun, time to get started :dance: on some work around here! Have a nice day and we'll talk to you soon. Phew, this was a long one again :blink: .

Shawn

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 10:39 AM

Shawn,
just a short note- the $9000 was an estimate for everything we had paid, meds. etc. Everything was included, so I thought maybe a follow-up phonecall to discuss a further 9 grand might be included too! It's not the money really, it's the principal! Anyway, I think I'm just getting very picky about the whole thing. Yes, I felt very cheated about not even having anything frozen- like it's all over now, you can go home now. Boy, I'm glad I have this site to vent, no-one can really understand this whole thing eh? well, I'm sure we'll both be going into it more informed the 2nd time and even if it doesn't work, I think I'll feel like I've given it a good shot.

Have a Great Day!

Maddy

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 11:26 AM

Good to see you Shawn! You sound like you are doing well considering everything. You are a strong woman, hell...we all are. We have to be. Have a drink for me too kay? :drinks:

WEll, first of all, I poas again and the line came up faster and its still nice and reasonably dark for a cheap internet test strip. So that thrills me. My boobs aren't as tender this morning, should I be worried? My indigestion is a killer though. I got some Maalox last night and that seemed to take some pressure off.

And lastnight I got a call from my brother, my mom passed away. Lung cancer, emphysma and a stroke took her. She was 64 only. So I am trying hard to remain calm and stress free for the babies. I am even at work trying to keep busy. At least she is in a better place now. I did get to talk to her on Sat. night and tell her I loved her and she loved me. She got to see the flowers I sent her and she got to hear about the babies, so its all good.

Are you going to the same clinic Shawn or try something different? That is just awesome about your mom helping you...just awesome! this next one will work for you! :flowers:

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 11:38 AM

Kelly,

I'm so happy for your 2 liner test strip, but so so sorry that your Mom passed away. What awful news to hear right now, or anytime I suppose. You sound so strong- hang in there, let's hope that line keeps getting darker.
My thoughts are with you,

Maddy

#17 Soralis

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 12:44 PM

Shawn
I am so sorry to hear about your bfn... they suck!!! Try to take care

Kelly
Oh my I see your mother passed away. I am sorry for your loss. I sure hope you get some good news soon.


Kellie
10.5 yrs TTC (since 1994)
3 years clomid (on and off)
1st IVF - Jul 04 - BFN
1st FET - Sept 04 - BFN
2nd FET - Dec 1/04 - BFP!! (TWINS - 2 boys born July 21/05 at 35weeks, 7lbs and 5lbs 5ozs)

Trying for another
3rd HSG - DONE - March 20 06
3rd FET - 3 day txfr May 5/06 & 5 day Transfer May 7/06 - BFN
No more frosties
2nd IVF - 3day Transfer Oct 9/06 (2 transferred, 6 frozen) -BFP!! (TWINS!!)
Nov 22/06 - Twin A doing well, Twin B passed away
(It's a Girl! - June 21/07, 2 days shy of 39 weeks - 7lbs 12 ozs)

After 13 years we are now very lucky to begin figuring out how to put Infertility behind us...

soralis.blogspot.com




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Posted 15 February 2005 - 02:43 PM

Kelly,

So sorry to hear about your Mom. That's terrible news. I'm glad you had a chance to speak to her.

Stay strong and positive for those babies!

Take care,
Karen

#19 Natiko

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 03:29 PM

Aw Kelly,

I was wondering where you had gone to, I'm so sorry about your mom. I wish I could give you a big, huge hug right now, I'm so sorry. I do believe she's in a better place, too. She'll be everywhere where you'll see beauty and life. I'm happy for you that you got to tell her that you love her and that she told you that she loved you, too. I lost my grandpa to emphysema, too, at 64. I still miss him more than ever. I hope for you to stay strong and that you'll be blessed with a little one soon.

Yes, I'm staying at the same clinic. Don't worry about your boobs, all symptoms are different, don't forget that. How many days post transfer are you now? 11? I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you still!! Sounds good so far about the test strips :thumbup: .

I just came back in from riding a few horses and I'm pooped - haven't ridden in a few months :ouch: , but I just came to see if you had posted, I was getting worried about you :( . Again, I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. Take care sweetie, it's ok not to be so strong sometimes. :flowers:

((((hugs)))), Shawn

#20 heidil

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 04:08 PM

Kelly;
So so sorry to hear about your mom. glad you got a chance to talk to her.

I will be thinking about you.

Heidi
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Jan 99 - ectopic (using clomid)
3 failed IUI's
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Diagnosed with PCOS in 2004
IVF - Aug 2005 Positive - May 19 due date - Twins
Dec 4/05 - Loss of our son Tristan - Twin A
May 2/06 - Birth of daughter Aurora - Twin B
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#21

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 04:35 PM

Kelly,

I am sincerely sorry for you loss. Please accept my condolences for you and your family.

Sam