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The stress is almost too much sometimes

stress work family renovations

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#1 OneBigSigh

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 12:37 PM

Hi There,

 

This is my first post, and I just need to vent and get this out. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 3 1/2 years. We have been doing fertility treatment for a year and a half. We were told that only IVF with ICSI would work for our case. My husband has a low count and I have a small version of PCOS

 

I have had 2 failed transfers, one was a straight negative and the second one ended in a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. We heard conflicting things after each transfer didn't work. I was told after the first one that we might not be able to have children using my husband's sperm, which destroyed me. But after the second we were given a little hope that just maybe we could have a baby that is genetically ours. This has been a complete mind f***! I have to have surgery in August to remove a polyp that they found after my miscarriage, which may of possibly caused me to have a miscarriage. The fertility issues alone are stressful. 

 

Besides the fertility stress we also are renovating, and have been for the last 5 years. But also we work for his parents. They were great in the beginning. Saying I can work from home when I have kids. No one plans on having issues conceiving. They were okay when we told them we had to have fertility appointments. Unless it messes with their plans if they want to not be in the office. And I should probably tell you that this only applies to me and my husband. Every other employee can have the random time off. I am paid hourly, so if I don't work I don't get paid. Which is fine. I should also mention that they have another son who gets paid a salary but doesn't work at all. The double standards are very stressful to handle. My husband and his dad are actually okay with me working from home, it's his mom that has the issue for some reason. She doesn't understand the stress and the dark cloud that is hanging over my head all the time. I can't flip the switch to be okay with all of this. I always have the option to get stress leave from a doctor, but I would rather not go that route. I just can't handle the lies. They say they are okay for my time off, but then when it happens they make it into such a big deal that I just get so angry. I've never had to deal with people like this, family wise. I can tell my family I've had enough with their comments and they will stop, but I can't do the same thing with my in-laws. This has started to make any relationship with them outside of work nearly impossible for me. 

 

What would you do in my position? How would you approach this issue with your in-laws? Because the economy is so shaky right now, I am not in a position to find a new job and I would hate to find a new job while going through fertility treatment. 

 

Thank you for listening 


  • CdnHockeyGal likes this

Me ( 32 ) DH ( 32 ) : Male Factor.

 

More Info under About Me.

 

Taking a year long break to relax before doing another round of IVF....July 18/17 : Spoke to doctor. Might be going for donor sperm....just need to wrap my head around it now.

 

Oct.11,2017 : Slowly starting up again. Blood work done. SIS in November. 

 

Dec '17 : IUI with donor sperm. Dec 15 : 1st IUI: BFN

 

Jan '18 : IUI #2. BFN

 

Feb '18 : Transferring to PCRM Edmonton. 


#2 CdnHockeyGal

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 01:14 PM

Hi BigSigh,

 

I am so sorry you find yourself here with us...trying to find the magic solution in a very stressful time.  Your post really spoke to me as I work in a family business as well.  Modest difference as I have purchased the business from my parents so mine is the only opinion that matters...but...they are still far more involved and critical than I would like.  We would have massive fights about the time off and frankly I didn't feel like sharing the details of every appt, etc...I am entitled to some privacy.  Long story short...I've had to very clearly and with as much diplomacy as possible...tell them to FO and MYOB on many occasions.  We really do not have a relationship with my parents but that is their loss...not mine.

 

I can't speak knowledgeably as to the labour laws in AB but I think it would be worth educating yourself as to your rights as an employee and perhaps consider providing a doctor's notes for appts, etc.  Can't argue with labour laws.  :)

 

This is definitely a large conversation that requires much thought due to the delicacy of the multiple stakeholders.  Hoping you and your husband can navigate a coping strategy that addresses the support you need while maintaining a respectful relationship.


  • mouse, Ola1981, lumnay and 1 other like this
It was long, awful & hard. We got very lucky and didn't run out of both emotional and financial resources. We saw some of the most beautiful of people in our lowest moments. Baby Girl arrived Apr 10/2018

#3 OneBigSigh

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 01:44 PM

CdnHockeyGal,

 

Thank you for responding. I believe sometimes they don't stop to think about the consequences of their actions when it comes to what they say or do. Eventually the company will be my husband's, it's just waiting to see when it happens that is hard. They expect my husband and I to be like them one day. But we have no drive to make life about work all the time. The fertility treatment means we think that any children we have will be our first priority. I have always understood that they do want to slowly retire which started 5 years ago. But it's frustrating because they keep adding offices in other cities and making it bigger but also still stepping away a much as they were before. My husband wants me out of the company if they won't let me work from home. Even occasionally. 

 

We hate feeling selfish in wanting me to have more flexibility. But if my mental health is suffering, I feel like I have to put myself first. 

 

They have all these opinions about stress and how to handle it. How do you tell someone I would actually love to be stressed out and have kids then be stressed out trying to have kids? The little comments are like little stabs to the heart. They never had any trouble having kids or had miscarriages. But they still think they can tell me how I should feel. 

 

My husband keeps telling me we will have a meeting with them and make them understand, but all it's all words right now and no action.

 

Thank you so much for listening. This has helped me a lot. 


  • lumnay likes this

Me ( 32 ) DH ( 32 ) : Male Factor.

 

More Info under About Me.

 

Taking a year long break to relax before doing another round of IVF....July 18/17 : Spoke to doctor. Might be going for donor sperm....just need to wrap my head around it now.

 

Oct.11,2017 : Slowly starting up again. Blood work done. SIS in November. 

 

Dec '17 : IUI with donor sperm. Dec 15 : 1st IUI: BFN

 

Jan '18 : IUI #2. BFN

 

Feb '18 : Transferring to PCRM Edmonton. 


#4 CdnHockeyGal

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Posted 27 July 2016 - 03:00 PM

I find myself routinely amazed at the persuasive belief that despite having no experience with a topic one an have a valid opinion.  I've always thought that takes a lot of hubris personally.  ;)

 

You're absolutely correct that your mental health is the most important and this will always be the most important thing you do in your life.  You'll need to be able to look back and feel you did the best you could.

 

I wish it was as simple as "making" someone understand...but I fear it's unlikely that's possible.  As much as they may love you and your husband they have preconceived beliefs and no life experience in the subject matter at hand.  As an example I can no more make someone who truly believes that women belong in the home an enlightened individual by sharing with them the many professional accomplishments of notable woman.  We can agree to disagree...we can interact with respect...but we will never share the same viewpoint.

 

All the best as you navigate this difficult path.


  • lumnay likes this
It was long, awful & hard. We got very lucky and didn't run out of both emotional and financial resources. We saw some of the most beautiful of people in our lowest moments. Baby Girl arrived Apr 10/2018

#5 OneBigSigh

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 01:03 PM

I am so sorry about what you are going through. This journey we are on is not something I would wish on anybody. I think the other people in our lives seem to think they can express their frustrations to us when maybe we ourselves haven't fully dealt with it. That's how I was like anyway. I was getting upset when someone would ask me what are you doing next, when I was just trying to survive the latest loss we had. It's only now that I am feeling a little stronger and more in sync with my husband that I can handle these people and their words and feelings. I still do get angry with people, but I can handle that emotion better now. 

 

Things have been actually a lot better for me. Not completely and not all the time. Every day is different. I ended up having a big argument with my MIL. And it sucked after that for a few months, very tense. But then my wonderful husband stepped in and took my side with his parents. That was the turning point for everything. I now work from home twice a week. So that helps with my work stress.

 

I think everyone now has figured out that my husband and I won't talk about it ( the infertility journey ) with them when they offer opinions or comments that are hurtful to us. We just stop talking and walk away or tell them that's enough and change the subject. We took the firm, we are a team approach. No one in my family has dealt with infertility so they have been learning as we go too, so I try to remember that when they upset me. Some of them understand losing a baby, so I have support on that side of our journey. 

 

I almost had to wait to get out of my funk to feel better. It has been a slow process but I am getting better. I've been managing to go out, only if my husband is there, but at least it's out of the house smile.png . I did have to go on anxiety medication, but I am also learning tricks to calm my anxiety and stress. Both my husband and I are going for walks and just be together. Focusing on the good things in my life helps. We have our fur babies, our health, our love, and whatever we choose to do in the future, baby wise, we will be together. 

 

It sounds so cheesy, but I don't think I would feel better without my husband's support.

 

I hope this helps. Our journey isn't over and I am sure something will happen to push me down again. But for now, I am okay.


  • Awoyt likes this

Me ( 32 ) DH ( 32 ) : Male Factor.

 

More Info under About Me.

 

Taking a year long break to relax before doing another round of IVF....July 18/17 : Spoke to doctor. Might be going for donor sperm....just need to wrap my head around it now.

 

Oct.11,2017 : Slowly starting up again. Blood work done. SIS in November. 

 

Dec '17 : IUI with donor sperm. Dec 15 : 1st IUI: BFN

 

Jan '18 : IUI #2. BFN

 

Feb '18 : Transferring to PCRM Edmonton. 






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