I apologize for this being so long and I thank you in advance for reading this.
I am having a very rough day today and feel very alone with no one to talk to, so I wanted to come on here to get some support/advice. I tried talking to my mother about this, but her advice is to just relax and be patient. Easier said than done. My DH is working late tonight and I am home alone and pretty sad. My friend/co-worker just told me today she is pregnant and the baby is due in January. I am thrilled for her, but at the same time I feel pretty shitty. She is the second friend to have shared this news in the last couple weeks and both her and our other friend are due within a month of one another. The fact that there are so many of my friends and family that have started TTC after me and already have babies in their arms and/or are pregnant with their first or second is really hard when I am still grieving for a child I may never have. Some days I just feel so hopeful and other days (days like today) I just feel like my hopes/prayers/dreams are never going to come true.
The short version is my DH and I have been married for three years and started seriously trying to conceive a year into our marriage. Well here we are approaching the two year mark since we've really started trying and in that time we found out that he has zero sperm (something called azoospermia). We found this out a year ago and were told by the nurse at our fertility clinic that our only hope for a child was through donor sperm or adoption. We were and still are devastated. Since finding out we've been down to Toronto to see specialists (Dr. Jarvi and Dr. Bentov) numerous times. We were given some hope and that is they may be able to surgically extract immature sperm through a procedure called Micro-TESE and freeze it for IVF. Also, IVF in Ontario is now being funded and we were put on the waiting list at our clinic in Toronto. So I do have a little bit of hope to hang on to, but odds are still not in our favour.
DH's Micro-TESE is scheduled for August 23rd this year. I have a little over a month to wait to see if they can find sperm or not and then we will know for sure if IVF is even an option. If they find sperm, great, but then they have to freeze it and I've found tons of research saying that surgically extracted sperm that's been frozen does not thaw well and isn't as good to use for IVF as ejaculated sperm. Unfortunately, after numerous samples, the only sperm they found in DH's ejaculate was dead (and it was very few... less than a thousand). Secondly, I am terrified of blood-work and injections and the whole idea of IVF. It's also crazy expensive, as you probably already know. My DH's procedure is going to cost $2,000 and then I think it's at least $300 to freeze it for a year. Even with the funding, we still have to pay for my medications which will be another $4,000 to $5,000. And the amount of money we've already spent for appointments, vitamins, gas, parking, days off work... it really adds up.
I was told that my funded cycle is scheduled for August 2017. That's over a year away. The waiting and not knowing if it's even going to work is actually driving me insane. I am not sure how many more pregnancy announcements I can take in that time. I cannot get this off my mind. It's all I ever think about.
I am not sure what the solution is. I am tempted to take out a loan in August if we find sperm and pay out of pocket for a cycle. But I was told if we are lucky enough to find sperm, it will probably only be enough for one cycle. if we are only going to get one shot at this, why would I use it now if waiting a year means I am going to be handed $12,000.00? But if we find enough for two cycles, maybe I should in case it will take more than one cycle for it to work... why sit around for a year and do nothing?
Bottom line is: it's very hard for me to swallow taking out that kind of money when we already have debt to pay off (mortgage, OSAP). Regardless of if this works or not, I really don't want to be buried in debt. What I do know is the not knowing if it could have worked if we did go for it will always bother me.
I am starting to sound like a crazy person, I know. It's just hard when I have friends who are either pregnant, have babies, or are no where near wanting to start a family. I feel like no one I know can really relate to what I'm going through. I am really struggling with this. My DH doesn't feel comfortable with using donor and he is not open to adopting either. I really want to be a mom and there are days (like today) where I just don't know if that will ever happen and it really tears me up. My heart just feels so broken.
I need advice on how to cope with this. I am not a very patient person and I am very much a planner and this is all out of my control but I just need to be able to control our decisions and have a plan somewhat in place. Has anyone felt at all like I am feeling or been through similar struggles?