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azoospermia loan costs plan pregnancy announcements friend advice Micro-TESE donor sperm money

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#1 Dani88

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Posted 11 July 2016 - 07:12 PM

I apologize for this being so long and I thank you in advance for reading this.

 

I am having a very rough day today and feel very alone with no one to talk to, so I wanted to come on here to get some support/advice.  I tried talking to my mother about this, but her advice is to just relax and be patient.  Easier said than done.  My DH is working late tonight and I am home alone and pretty sad.  My friend/co-worker just told me today she is pregnant and the baby is due in January.  I am thrilled for her, but at the same time I feel pretty shitty.  She is the second friend to have shared this news in the last couple weeks and both her and our other friend are due within a month of one another.  The fact that there are so many of my friends and family that have started TTC after me and already have babies in their arms and/or are pregnant with their first or second is really hard when I am still grieving for a child I may never have.  Some days I just feel so hopeful and other days (days like today) I just feel like my hopes/prayers/dreams are never going to come true.

 

The short version is my DH and I have been married for three years and started seriously trying to conceive a year into our marriage.  Well here we are approaching the two year mark since we've really started trying and in that time we found out that he has zero sperm (something called azoospermia).  We found this out a year ago and were told by the nurse at our fertility clinic that our only hope for a child was through donor sperm or adoption.  We were and still are devastated.  Since finding out we've been down to Toronto to see specialists (Dr. Jarvi and Dr. Bentov) numerous times.  We were given some hope and that is they may be able to surgically extract immature sperm through a procedure called Micro-TESE and freeze it for IVF.  Also, IVF in Ontario is now being funded and we were put on the waiting list at our clinic in Toronto.  So I do have a little bit of hope to hang on to, but odds are still not in our favour.

 

DH's Micro-TESE is scheduled for August 23rd this year.  I have a little over a month to wait to see if they can find sperm or not and then we will know for sure if IVF is even an option.  If they find sperm, great, but then they have to freeze it and I've found tons of research saying that surgically extracted sperm that's been frozen does not thaw well and isn't as good to use for IVF as ejaculated sperm.  Unfortunately, after numerous samples, the only sperm they found in DH's ejaculate was dead (and it was very few... less than a thousand).  Secondly, I am terrified of blood-work and injections and the whole idea of IVF.  It's also crazy expensive, as you probably already know.  My DH's procedure is going to cost $2,000 and then I think it's at least $300 to freeze it for a year.  Even with the funding, we still have to pay for my medications which will be another $4,000 to $5,000.  And the amount of money we've already spent for appointments, vitamins, gas, parking, days off work... it really adds up.

 

I was told that my funded cycle is scheduled for August 2017.  That's over a year away.  The waiting and not knowing if it's even going to work is actually driving me insane.  I am not sure how many more pregnancy announcements I can take in that time.  I cannot get this off my mind.  It's all I ever think about.

 

I am not sure what the solution is.  I am tempted to take out a loan in August if we find sperm and pay out of pocket for a cycle.  But I was told if we are lucky enough to find sperm, it will probably only be enough for one cycle.  if we are only going to get one shot at this, why would I use it now if waiting a year means I am going to be handed $12,000.00?  But if we find enough for two cycles, maybe I should in case it will take more than one cycle for it to work... why sit around for a year and do nothing?

 

Bottom line is:  it's very hard for me to swallow taking out that kind of money when we already have debt to pay off (mortgage, OSAP).  Regardless of if this works or not, I really don't want to be buried in debt.  What I do know is the not knowing if it could have worked if we did go for it will always bother me.

 

I am starting to sound like a crazy person, I know.  It's just hard when I have friends who are either pregnant, have babies, or are no where near wanting to start a family.  I feel like no one I know can really relate to what I'm going through.  I am really struggling with this.  My DH doesn't feel comfortable with using donor and he is not open to adopting either.  I really want to be a mom and there are days (like today) where I just don't know if that will ever happen and it really tears me up.  My heart just feels so broken.

 

I need advice on how to cope with this.  I am not a very patient person and I am very much a planner and this is all out of my control but I just need to be able to control our decisions and have a plan somewhat in place.  Has anyone felt at all like I am feeling or been through similar struggles?


Me: 28, DH: 27 - TTC since Oct. 2014 - DH diagnosed with azoospermia on Aug. 11/15 - Micro TESE Aug. 23/16
DIUI#1 - Oct.4/16 - BFN / DIUI#2 - Oct.31/16 - BFP - MMC at 9 wks - D&C Dec.23/16 / DIUI#3 - Mar.13/17 - BFN 
/ DIUI#4 - Apr.10/17 - BFN
ICSI - Egg Retrieval - Jun.21/17 - Retrieved 8 mature eggs & tried to fertilize 2 with partner's sperm (didn't work) & 6 with donor
Fresh Transfer - Jun.26/17 - Transferred one 5AA blastocyst (& froze 4 good quality blastocysts) - BFP! - Due Mar.14, 2018
d5YBm5.pngJH5wm5.pngB5jIm5.png6bQDm4.pngKzhzm4.png

#2 amp77

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Posted 11 July 2016 - 07:26 PM

Oh Dani :(  I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much.  There are so many people here that are in your shoes or have been in your shoes, so you are sure to fund support as you go through this difficult time.  Our fertility is unexplained so I don't have experience with the procedure for your husband but it sounds like quite a challenge.  The funded cycles are great but the waits are so long.  We are about to get on the list at our clinic and everyone that I talk to seems to be told something different in terms of timeline.  I think that the latest that I was heard was 9-12 months.  I know how hard it must be seeing your friends get pregnant too.  I have friends who got pregnant the first month they tried after she got her IUD removed... like, really?!  I'm also sorry that your hubby isn't open to other options to start your family.  I truly hope that you find success through IVF and, if not, I hope that you are able to find peace in wherever your journey takes you.  I will be thinking of you and hoping that decisions come more easily and things progress more quickly than expected, and you get your take home baby.  *hugs*


  • Kadima and Dani88 like this

Age 40, DH 44 in Oct.

TTC on and off since 2007 before our second IVF, in 2014, brought us our beautiful son and our first FET brought us our second son in 2017.  Our family is complete!

 

IVF #1 - April 2014 - BFN - no frosties

 

IVF #2 - July 2014 - BFP - 5B-AB and 4 frosties (5B-BB, 2x4B-BB and 3B-BB)

Apr. 13, 2015 - Daniel Erik was born at 5:05 am, weight 8 lbs, 13 oz, and 22" long.  He is perfect in every way.

 

FET #1 - September 2016 - BFP - 5B-BB and 3 frosties (2x4B-BB and 3B-BB)

June 18, 2017 - Matthew William was born at 2:46 am, weight 8 lbs, 11 oz and 21" long.  He is perfect in every way too!

 

 


#3 Dani88

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Posted 11 July 2016 - 08:01 PM

Thank you so much for reading and responding.  Your kind words mean more than you know.


  • amp77 likes this
Me: 28, DH: 27 - TTC since Oct. 2014 - DH diagnosed with azoospermia on Aug. 11/15 - Micro TESE Aug. 23/16
DIUI#1 - Oct.4/16 - BFN / DIUI#2 - Oct.31/16 - BFP - MMC at 9 wks - D&C Dec.23/16 / DIUI#3 - Mar.13/17 - BFN 
/ DIUI#4 - Apr.10/17 - BFN
ICSI - Egg Retrieval - Jun.21/17 - Retrieved 8 mature eggs & tried to fertilize 2 with partner's sperm (didn't work) & 6 with donor
Fresh Transfer - Jun.26/17 - Transferred one 5AA blastocyst (& froze 4 good quality blastocysts) - BFP! - Due Mar.14, 2018
d5YBm5.pngJH5wm5.pngB5jIm5.png6bQDm4.pngKzhzm4.png

#4 Elle22

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Posted 11 July 2016 - 08:10 PM

Dani -i;m so sorry you are having a rough day. you are not alone and you are not crazy!  My DH works late a lot and travels and i have found myself home alone at night left with nothing but my mind running and then have no one to talk too.  I am the only one of my friends without a baby, most friends have 2. I got pregnant in april after a few failed tries and then lost it at 7 weeks. this week would have been when i passed the 3 month danger zone and could have started telling people, and it's really hard. 

so again, you are not alone in how you are feeling.

all the waiting is killing me and makes me so anxious and nervous all the time. i wish i had a magic solution to get through it, but i don't. however a few months back, I did go speak with a counselor. My DH even came with once, which really helped. have you considered that? TRIO has a few that they work with.

in the meantime, we are all here for you to let it out!!!

sending you a BIG HUG!!


  • CrisBelieve, amp77 and Dani88 like this

#5 FertiliTee

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Posted 11 July 2016 - 08:10 PM

Hi Dani. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

 

My husband and I have been trying for about two years as well and I've found this to be one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with. All kinds of big decisions, constant tests and appointments, financial worries, loss of control, the overwhelming feeling of wondering if you'll ever become a mother - all while it seems everyone around you is getting pregnant so easily (my sister is currently pregnant with her 5th!). It's enough to make anyone feel like a crazy person. I'm lucky to have a few friends who have been through similar struggles and talking to them helps a lot, but if you don't know anyone who's been through it then I think this forum is a good place to be. Infertility is one of those experiences that people just can't fully understand unless they have experienced it, even if they mean well and are just trying to help.

 

As I struggle with depression and this situation has not helped, I started seeing a psychotherapist a few months ago (she is also my naturopath and she is wonderful and very compassionate). She has helped me immensely - just having a fully impartial person who I can talk to (and cry to) about everything without judgement is so great. She has helped me talk through some of the things that I've struggled with the most and find some different solutions to problems that I didn't think of on my own. I still have bad days but I'm feeling better than I have in a while. Again, like anything, it can be expensive but if you have any type of benefits it might be worth considering if it's something you think is right for you.

 

The best advice I've gotten is just to do whatever you need to do to nurture and care for yourself throughout the process. Hang in there!


  • amp77 and Dani88 like this

Me = 36, DH = 41

Male factor

 

January 2016 - IUI #1 = BFN

Advised to move right to IVF due to low sperm counts

 

August 2016 - scheduled for first round of IVF w/ ICSI


#6 ewok

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Posted 11 July 2016 - 09:13 PM

Like otehrs said, there are so many ladies who suffered or are still suffering like you do. I waited 10 years to get my DD. Some friends were able to split, find a new partner, get 3 kids. And I still had nothing. I hope you find some way to achieve your dream. And if things get too hatd, there is always someone here to support you. Counseling can almost help if it really gets unlivable.

Me: 38, DH: 38, together since 1995, TTC since 2004
 
PCOS, endometriosis Stage 3
Multiple early pregnancy loss (stopped counting at 8)
Left Hydrosalpinx seen on Ultrasound during my first miscarriage
July 2013: ER visit, found Ectopic pregnancy in right tube, internal bleeding, emergency surgery with removal of both my tubes.  Next phase IVF

IVF #1: March/April 2014, Antagonist protocol with Estrogen priming, OHSS risk, no transfer but many frosties

FET#1: June/July 2014: BFN...
 
FET#2: October 2014: BFP
July 19th: DD is born.  Our little miracle
(more details on About Me page)


#7 Murried

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Posted 12 July 2016 - 07:52 AM

Dani - Please know that you are not alone. 


  • Dani88 likes this

See my About Me page.

 

 


#8 autumnmarie

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Posted 12 July 2016 - 08:25 AM

Hi Dani,

 

I am so sorry you're in such a difficult place. I could have written about 80% of your post and I do feel like I understand your struggles. You are not crazy. This is an awful situation to be in and there's no right or wrong answers - just what is best for you and your DH.

We are also surrounded by remarkably fertile people - lots of "I'm pregnant the first month trying!" or "I didn't even know!" and it kills me. Why are things so easy for some people and so hard for the rest of us? And they are all on their second or more while my DH and I are left on this island alone. 

 

There's a lot of great people on here who can relate and will support you through this - so many have been through similar struggles. I have A LOT of days when I fear it will never happen for me or that I'm just not meant to be a mother and I'm chasing after shadows. I cry a lot. Once in my best friend's closet, during her son's birthday party, when another guest made a pregnancy announcement.

So as shitty as this is, you aren't alone. We are all here for you and you can be totally honest here. Nobody is going to judge you regardless of what you say/feel/think because we all get it and you're entitled to your thoughts/feelings/emotions etc. You may want to also consider speaking with a counsellor, maybe just a couple of times or maybe on a regular basis, because this is a really hard situation and it may help.

 

The bloodwork etc isn't pleasant but honestly? You'll be surprised at how quickly you become blase about being poked and prodded at etc.

 

I do hope things will work out for you and your DH.


  • SunshineTTC and Dani88 like this

Me: 33, DH, 35

 

TTC - 2012

2014: MMC

2015: the year of pills, shots, IUIs and an ectopic

2016: BFP, EDD 4/19/2017

 


#9 EverHopefull!

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Posted 12 July 2016 - 03:07 PM

((Dani))  You're not crazy!  We've all been there, maybe with different diagnoses but we've all felt that way along our journey. 

 

If I was in your shoes I'd wait to see what they find after they extract sperm in August.  There's no sense agonizing over a choice that may not be a choice.  Either they'll find some and you'll make a decision based on what they find, or they won't find anything and you'll have to go a different road.

 

With respect to donor sperm and/or adoption, it takes many people awhile to get there.  Some people feel like it's a good fit right from the start, some people take longer.  For us it took a year and just the right situation before we were ready to move to donor eggs.  So give your husband some time to get used to the idea.  You're young enough to have a little time to do that.

 

With respect to money, you're also young enough to have time to make a financial plan that suits you.  That might be taking out a loan or saving the money (even though you have a funded cycle coming up).  If you were 40 I'd probably say take out the loan and do it now, but you're not in a time crunch.  Biologically anyway.  I understand the emotional time crunch is different!

 

And the bloodwork and needles aren't so bad.  Even if you are someone who is scared of needles ask yourself what you wouldn't do to have a baby.  It's 2 weeks of needles out of your 85 years of life.  2 weeks of needles to have a baby in your arms.  Can you survive 2 weeks?  You bet you can!  Once you're in it, it goes fast. 

 

So even though it's hard to do I'd say to take a breath and try to be patient until August when you'll have some information to work with.  in the meantime start stashing away money just in case.  And give your DH some time. 

 

Good luck!


  • CrisBelieve, amp77, SunshineTTC and 2 others like this

TTC since December 2004

One successful IVF

Many, many unsuccessful IF treatments

Finally a successful DE cycle!  babyEver is due July 1st.

 


#10 Dani88

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Posted 12 July 2016 - 06:21 PM

Wow thank you everyone!  Reading all your comments has really helped me.  Another friend told me today that she is pregnant as well.  I currently have 4 of my friends from the same group that are all pregnant and due within a couple weeks of each other.  So being able to read all of your comments today has really helped.  I am going to take EverHopeful's advice and wait and see how the surgery goes in August and go from there.  42 days, but who's counting?  Depending how things proceed from there, I may also take the advice of talking to a professional about my feelings.  Thanks so much for reading my rant.


  • EverHopefull! and Murried like this
Me: 28, DH: 27 - TTC since Oct. 2014 - DH diagnosed with azoospermia on Aug. 11/15 - Micro TESE Aug. 23/16
DIUI#1 - Oct.4/16 - BFN / DIUI#2 - Oct.31/16 - BFP - MMC at 9 wks - D&C Dec.23/16 / DIUI#3 - Mar.13/17 - BFN 
/ DIUI#4 - Apr.10/17 - BFN
ICSI - Egg Retrieval - Jun.21/17 - Retrieved 8 mature eggs & tried to fertilize 2 with partner's sperm (didn't work) & 6 with donor
Fresh Transfer - Jun.26/17 - Transferred one 5AA blastocyst (& froze 4 good quality blastocysts) - BFP! - Due Mar.14, 2018
d5YBm5.pngJH5wm5.pngB5jIm5.png6bQDm4.pngKzhzm4.png

#11 Gaby1

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Posted 13 July 2016 - 03:59 PM

Hello Dani,

My husband also has NOA Azoospermia.

He's had one regular TESE and two Micro Teses with Dr. Jarvi.

I've had 4 failed IVFs.

It has been a looooooooooooong journey for us.

After 8 year of struggle we are moving onto a donor. IF you have ANY questions for me please feel to msg me.


  • Dani88 likes this





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