16 replies to this topic

[East to west]

I got the wonderful news that my only brother and his wife are pregnant (naturally, after about 6 months of trying) with their first child and the first grand-child on my side of the family. They told my husband and I privately over Skype 2 days ago. Most women would say they are so happy for the couple, offer congratulations, and say how excited they were at the prospect of being an aunty. I did those things, and then about 1 minute into the typical questions ("when are you due? How long have you known? How do you feel?"), it all went down hill. FAST. 

 

My ears started ringing, the room felt like it was closing in on me, and I couldn't breathe. And then just before I could dart away from behind the I-pad, the sobbing (loud, ugly sobbing!) began and I cried out "I am so happy for you, but this is so hard for me to hear right now" and I ran to my bedroom and broke-down. My husband was left to awkwardly finish the conversation...

 

I have been through hard things in my life, but I can honestly say I have never EVER been so upset. I sobbed like I've never sobbed before. I think my husband was in shock! Once I got control of my emotional outburst, I felt like the worst person in the world. How can I be so sad for myself when something so happy is happening for the people I love?

 

I think I know why.

 

I am in the midst of my first IVF/FET cycle after TTC for 3.5 years. 

 

I am on the high doses of estrace in preparation for my first FET and I find out tomorrow if my lining is ready. 

 

I have to fly across Canada for said FET and will be seeing my parents, brother, and his newly pregnant wife while I am there. 

 

And well, because infertility is a soul-sucking emotional roller-coaster! 

 

I sent my brother an email the next morning to apologize and explain myself as best I could. I know they did the right thing by (1) telling me and (2) telling me in private (not next week when the family is all together). They seem very understanding of my reaction and did not take it personally. 

 

I really hope this first FET works because it is going to be one hell of a long year watching them get the one thing I want so badly and am currently fighting so hard for. I feel like a crap person for feeling this way, but I can't help it. 

 

Any one out there been in my shoes? Does it get easier? How did you cope?

 

Thanks 

 

[Aiglee]

Oh gosh, don't feel bad AT ALL. It is absolutely normal. You are human, going through this sucks, and you just reacted like a normal human being.

 

I was also going through cycles when my sister told me she was pregnant (I dont remember if I was in the middle of one though). She told me with my mom and my other sister over skype and all I did when they said the words was cry. I cried and cried and cried in front of them, trying to calm down and tell them I was happy for her. No words came out of me, and you know what they said to me? "We know..."... If your family knows what you are going through, they understand. They understand you are happy for them, but you are also sad for you, it is normal and most people go through this. Give yourself some grace.

 

I can tell you it will be hard to see her pregnant, specially if the FET does not work out (mine didn't). I did what I had to do to take care of me. I told my family not to send me pictures, I told them to please not tell me anything about the pregnancy unless I asked. I did everything I could and even though it was hard, they understood and it helped me go through it. You can do it, just ask for the things you need, and forgive yourself, let yourself feel how you feel.

[mouse]

((East-to-west)) be gentle with yourself.

[farmwife]

Big hugs to you my dear. They are your emotions and it's how you feel, never apologize for that. It's definitely a rough situation to be in and I think we have all been there.

 

My worst experience was when we went to our neighbors daughter's birthday party. There was 7 women in the room, 1 gal had 2 kids and her family was done, myself (who had miscarried 6 weeks prior (FET) and was still dealing with retained product issues) and 5 other women who were all pregnant (with their 2 or 3 child) or had a newborn (one of which I was really happy for as she had much troubles getting  pregnant), I felt exactly like you did, then it came, the question I dreaded (and of course from the mom that had 2 kids and no issues) and is just 'one of those' that is nosey, oh isn't it time for another one? Yeah I'll get right on that, it only took me 3 years and a pile of drugs and money for one, and I flat out said (in front of everyone) what my situation was and shut her up. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

 

Infertility f*&#s with a person like that, it changes you, it may not define you but it becomes apart of who you are. Maybe for some it gets easier over time, maybe after their journey is complete, I don't know. But what I did learn and wish I would have sooner, is put yourself first. If you don't want updates or pictures then simply say that. If you don't want to go to an event, then don't. You are already in a stressful enough situation, don't add more. Be kind to yourself. Much love.

[EverHopefull!]

Your reaction was totally normal.  And no, it doesn't get easier, but you'll get better at controlling those knee-jerk reactions (or hopefully your FET will work out and you won't have to ). 

 

No matter how you reacted in the moment you did good by explaining to them what happened, so if your brother and SIL aren't worried about it then you should let yourself off the hook too.  Generally I would say that you don't need to explain yourself at all, but I also understand that you don't want to ruin something that is a happy event for someone you love either.  So like Mouse said, be gentle with yourself.  I'm sure your brother and SIL understand that it's possible for you to be happy for them at the same time as being sad for you.  Happy and sad aren't mutually exclusive.

 

Good luck with your FET!

[lily84]

Huge hugs to you dear. You are allowed to feel how you feel, and react the way you need to. As others have said, it's ok to put yourself 1st.

We had just learned that DH's reversal was a failure when we found out my ungrateful selfish younger sister was pregnant with her 3rd. We're estranged so we kept having to hear about it through common acquaintances. Some days I just wanted to tear a strip off of people who mentioned it.

I definitely think differently now. And most people who have announced pregnancies, I have been genuinely happy for them since you never know how their journey was either.

Take care of yourself and best of luck with your FET.

[dragnfly]

Easttowest - ((you)) We have all been there, and have all had our breakdown while trying so hard to put on a happy face. Just because you are sad for your own situation (totally ok, by the way) does not mean you are not happy for them. You are not a bad person. Go easy on yourself, you ARE pumped full of hormones right now to top off the emotional Rollercoaster.

Years ago when my BF called to announce her 3rd "unplanned" (some women make it seem so easy) pregnancy, I smiled and laughed with her and told her how happy I was for her (& I truly was) But then I hung up the phone & had a complete emotional breakdown at work. I told her a month later when I saw her in person & she was so understanding.

Good luck with your lining check, just had mine so we might be going through the 2ww together.

[East to west]

Thank you so much for all your kind words and sharing your similar stories. It has helped me immensely to know I am not alone and I am not a horrible person! 

[quandry]

Hugs hugs hugs.

I've had so many of those moments... First was just after a loss at seven weeks, we went to an Xmas party to find one of dhs childhood friends pregnant and die the same day I would have been. I was so hurt inside but had no place to go to let it out.

A few months later, while dealing with the end of a chemical pregnancy we were at a huge function. So not only was the pregnant friend there, but also dhs pregnant sister in law. I was a mess and spent half the time hiding in a bathroom crying. I never would have shared how I felt with dhs family because I would have been looked down upon for any feelings of sadness or loss.

I'm so glad you had the space to really feel. And that your family understood. What a great gift, even if it's because of tragedy.

[East to west]

Quandry, I am sorry you have to keep your feelings stifled for fear of being judged by your in-laws. That must be so hard. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being one of the very amazing women on this site!

[Frannie2012]

Don't feel bad...it's only human and natural. My husband and I found out 2 weeks before Christmas that we needed to do IVF, as all less invasive things had not worked. Christmas Day my brother tells me that his 44 year old wife was acidentally pregnant with their 3rd child. I was in the middle of basting the turkey and I almost fell in the oven. I was 32 at the time, so hearing that was hard.

I politely congratulated them...then poured a glass of wine and cried in the garage....I made up an excuse about onions to explain my red eyes.

Unless you've experienced infertility you don't understand the pain. You are human....you're allowed to breakdown.

Sending you strength and positive vibes...

[Kadima]

SAme thing happened to me in April. My SIL announced that they were pregnant with their second (i think they got pregnant their first month... just like with the first kid). All i could muster was a "congratulations" before i started sobbing and hung up the phone. 

This announcement was on the heels of my chemical pregnancy with my second iui (we would have had the same due date)!

 

The truth is, they don't need you to be happy for them. All they did is have sex. When you achieve pregnancy through the means of ART, that's the reason for people to be happy. 

 

don't feel bad. i don't. and they don't seem to care. because they have a baby to make them happy... they don't need me to be. 

[Wishinandhopin]

I am sorry you are going through all this I agree with Kadima - they do not need you to be happy for them. You have enough on your shoulders right now, you do not need any more stress, and certainly don't need to feel guilty.

When we found out my DH had azoospermia and we would have to use donor sperm, we were devastated and shocked. We found out on a Wednesday. On the Friday 12 of DH's friends came to stay at our house for a weekend reunion. 2 of those couples announced their pregnancy that first night, and proceeded to talk about their pregnancies the entire weekend. I made excuse after excuse to get out of the house... Sometimes just to drive around and cry. I sure they thought I was a rude hostess, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. Your brother knows you are going through a rough time, and he will understand. But if he doesn't, that is his problem, not yours

[Elisigurd]

I'm sure everyone of us could be in your shoes. Absolutely agree with others. It's okay to react in such a way taking into account your life circumstances. Wish you good luck!

[theshortgirl]

I got teary eyed reading this thread... I haven't yet had an experience like that but am dreading getting the news that my SIL is pregnant. She already announced that they're going to start trying soon and I have a feeling it's going to happen really fast for them... She's not exactly the type to be mindful of other people's feelings so I can just imagine her announcing to the whole family that she's pregnant while I feel like crawling into a hole and dying. 

 

It is comforting to read all your stories and know that it's ok not to feel great hearing about other people's joyful news. 

[MerCophel]

I don't know if anyone will respond to this. I'm new to even using forums but I had to find something to help me with my ongoing emotions. This week has been particularly difficult. This topic and all the replies here really struck a nerve. I'm thankful to everyone who shared because I also feel the same way as the first poster and everyone else. My brother and SIL announced their pregnancy in October. They had told my parents and my other brother. But told me at dinner in front of everyone. I had to dig my nails into my hands to stay present. It was like an out of body experience, like I was auto-pilot just telling myself that I could not breakdown right then. And I didn't at the time. But after they left, I had one of the worst breakdowns I have ever had. They are due in a few days and I have tried everything possible to make sure my emotions don't become a problem for them. I'm the oldest sibling and have two younger brothers. I'm 30 (will be 31 this year) and the one who is having a baby is 24 (will be 25 this year) and the other one is 22. His wife is a year older than me. So, I knew this was bound to happen. All last year I kept watching for signs that she might be pregnant. And somehow I knew in September that she was pregnant. I avoided all family dinners and made up all kinds of excuses just so that I wouldn't have to hear it. I was diagnosed with stage iv endo 3 years ago. Had surgery last year. Both my ovaries have been affected by endo as I had two large endometriomas on both. My husband and I have been attending appointments at a fertility clinic and the tests and numbers seem to have come back ok. We are having significant relationship problems too and he does not think we should conceive until our relationship is better. I know that I have some things on my side (I know youngish?...). It doesn't seem to matter though. I feel like I'm stuck in a dark hole and that I've been there for the last three years. My friends have had babies in that times and although those have been difficult for me, nothing has been as difficult as finding out about my brother. I feel terrible but recognize that I'm not a bad person. And I've been working on feeling ok with having conflicting emotions. I see a therapist and I am a therapist myself... so not stranger to coping skills, etc. I've been trying to use them but some days, I just can't do it anymore. I think with my friends, I knew I could escape it (them having babies) if I wanted to. I didn't see some of them when they were pregnant, didn't go to showers, etc. I don't think I will be able to avoid, ignore, or escape with my brother. My parents understand. I don't know if my brother does or not. His wife seems to have conveyed that she does to my mother. But neither of them have had a conversation with me. I don't want to tak eaway from their happiness and I also don't want to ruin anything in the long-term because I can't handle my emotions in the present. I feel like I'm drowning and that nobody really truly understands. I've been trying so hard. I got them a present to Christmas to welcome my nephew to the family. I went out of my way to help with the baby shower and was present and "happy" the whole time. I just feel exhausted. And I'm dreading what things will be like when they do have the baby in a few days. I'm sorry I didn't mean to write so much. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

[Axl2]

Hey MerCophel Im sorry your going through this. How are things going now that the baby is born?

I know the feeling my in-laws announced that they were pregnant only trying for less then a year. We have been on the waiting list for 4 years. The worst part is my brother in-law complained that they were having a girl. My husband has been really great he lets me feel the way I feel. A lot of time he deals the congratulating people I have a hard time hiding how I feel.