I got the wonderful news that my only brother and his wife are pregnant (naturally, after about 6 months of trying) with their first child and the first grand-child on my side of the family. They told my husband and I privately over Skype 2 days ago. Most women would say they are so happy for the couple, offer congratulations, and say how excited they were at the prospect of being an aunty. I did those things, and then about 1 minute into the typical questions ("when are you due? How long have you known? How do you feel?"), it all went down hill. FAST.
My ears started ringing, the room felt like it was closing in on me, and I couldn't breathe. And then just before I could dart away from behind the I-pad, the sobbing (loud, ugly sobbing!) began and I cried out "I am so happy for you, but this is so hard for me to hear right now" and I ran to my bedroom and broke-down. My husband was left to awkwardly finish the conversation...
I have been through hard things in my life, but I can honestly say I have never EVER been so upset. I sobbed like I've never sobbed before. I think my husband was in shock! Once I got control of my emotional outburst, I felt like the worst person in the world. How can I be so sad for myself when something so happy is happening for the people I love?
I think I know why.
I am in the midst of my first IVF/FET cycle after TTC for 3.5 years.
I am on the high doses of estrace in preparation for my first FET and I find out tomorrow if my lining is ready.
I have to fly across Canada for said FET and will be seeing my parents, brother, and his newly pregnant wife while I am there.
And well, because infertility is a soul-sucking emotional roller-coaster!
I sent my brother an email the next morning to apologize and explain myself as best I could. I know they did the right thing by (1) telling me and (2) telling me in private (not next week when the family is all together). They seem very understanding of my reaction and did not take it personally.
I really hope this first FET works because it is going to be one hell of a long year watching them get the one thing I want so badly and am currently fighting so hard for. I feel like a crap person for feeling this way, but I can't help it.
Any one out there been in my shoes? Does it get easier? How did you cope?