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Feeling very alone

miscarriage D&C loneliness

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#1 dawnkey

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Posted 24 December 2015 - 02:32 AM

I'm feeling very alone these days.. when I am cycling, there are groups of people I can talk to.. on lots of different boards, when I'm between cycles, there are lots of people waiting... when I was pregnant, there are a lot of other women that have done ART and that haven't who want to talk about being pregnant, making plans, future children.

 

But, having miscarried and opted to have a D&C instead of letting it happen naturally - I feel very alone. I have a few friends in real life who have been trying to keep asking me how I'm doing and I appreciate them more than I can ever explain. But - there isn't really anywhere for someone like me to talk to others who are feeling the same, who put everything they had into trying to get pregnant... every cent, every hope, all my love and optimism. And I'm crushed, heartbroken, devastated... left empty handed, no baby growing inside me anymore, feeling like it was all for nothing. We have no frozen embryos.. we didn't with our daughter either. Every try has been a fresh cycle. I have never been pregnant except by IVF. Our first cycle was so easy - I was way more worried that I was this time but everything was great - we're so lucky to have our three year old daughter. At the moment, I don't feel so lucky though. It's not that I don't feel happy to have our daughter - I know that so many won't even have one child. I've never felt like we were done having children. I feel empty and I just don't know anymore. I want a baby so badly but I don't know if it's worth it...  to have another loss.

 

I'm looking forward to our follow up with our RE on Jan 11th but I know the reality is that I'm not getting any younger.

 

 


Me (41) Dx - Annovulatory PCOS, One blocked tube, Hashimoto's + Him (36) Perfect in every way! + 3 Fresh IVF cycles = Two perfect 👶🏼👶🏼 And one 👼🏼! Our Family is complete!

Treatment/Cycle details in my 'About Me'


#2 CdnHockeyGal

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Posted 24 December 2015 - 10:03 AM

((Dawnkey)). I'm so very sorry for your loss. Hoping you and your husband a source of comfort to each other as you grieve.
It was long, awful & hard. We got very lucky and didn't run out of both emotional and financial resources. We saw some of the most beautiful of people in our lowest moments. Baby Girl arrived Apr 10/2018

#3 nervus optimist

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Posted 24 December 2015 - 11:00 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are never alone here. I suffered 3 losses before our beautiful son was born. The first was the hardest emotionally. The second most dangerous. And the third most physically painful. Each one left me feeling gutted.... physically empty where there should be something.... someone.... and there wasn't. One thing that made it particularly tricky was that we learned through the process that my husband and I grieve differently. 

 

Please feel free to share here as much as you feel you need to. You are not alone. We would all reach through our computer screens and give you cyber hugs if we could.

:flowers:


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I am 38, DH - 39
Genetic - IVF&PGD to prevent Genetic Disorder
IVF #1 - Nov/08 - MC @ 6 weeks, no embryos frozen
IVF #2 - Aug/09 - bfn
IUI #1 - Feb/10 - ectopic
PRIDE - Apr/10
Homestudy - July/10
Given the gift of donor embryos - Jan/12
Donor FET Jun/12 - 9 weeks - no heartbeat... MC
Donor FET Oct/12 - we're PG biggrin.png

===> Beautiful baby boy born 2013 babyboy.gif

Donor FET Oct/16 - chemical

April 2017 - surprise PG

===> Beautiful baby girl born 2017 babygirl.gif


#4 Lola1973

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Posted 24 December 2015 - 11:00 AM

Dawnkey,

I feel touched by your post, especially a day like today. Although my story is different, it's also similar in some ways and I know your pain all too well. I know what it is to have to start fresh cycles again and again because you have no embryo left... I know what it is to miscarry... I know what it is to have a D&C... I know the pain, the sadness, the hopelessness...

I am sorry for what you've gone through.

Take good care of yourself during this difficult time. Be your very best friend, if that makes sense... I hope that with time, the path of what will bring you peace and happiness becomes clearer.

Hugs.

Ttc first child for both of us since February 2012

Surgery and diagnosis of severe endometriosis Nov. 2012

IVF#1 April 2013: BFP8388.gif 9 weeks

IVF#2 Sept 2013: BFP8388.gif 9,5 weeks

Clinic 2:

IVF#3 May 2014: Embryo banking: 4 blasts

IVF#4 July 2014: Embryo banking: 3 blasts

PGS Result August 2014: All 7 blasts are abnormal... Moving on to DE.

Clinic 3:

Transfer #1 Feb. 2015: BFN

Transfer #2 June 2015: BFN

Transfer #3 Sept 2015: th_abfp.gifon hpt Sept 24!!!!

1st beta 12dp3dt: 421 2nd beta 14dp3dt:1025 Viability US (6w6d): One perfect baby measuring 7.0 weeks with HB of 130!!yahoo.gif

8- week US: Cutest little gummy bear measuring 8w1d

Harmony test 10weeks: Risk of trisomy 13, 18 and 21 under 1 in 10,000
20-week US: Baby girl right on track!

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers


#5 EverHopefull!

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Posted 24 December 2015 - 12:34 PM

((dawnkey))

 

I read a study somewhere that said the emotional challenges of dealing with IF measure up there with the emotional challenges of getting a cancer diagnosis.  The study found that the levels of stress and depression measured the same for both groups of people.  BUT, people expect someone with a cancer diagnosis to be facing emotional turmoil.  And it's acceptable for people to talk about cancer in public, there is no stigma attached.  Friends and family show up at cancer fighter's homes with frozen lasagnas and offers to mow the lawn.  There are support groups and therapists and whatnot for cancer patients (which is fantastic).  For people dealing with IF there is none of that (which sucks).  We deal with our emotional turmoil quietly and in private (and here, thank goodness for here).

 

I know none of that helps you right now when you're hurting, but I found it comforting to know that the stress and emotional upset I feel is real, and can be measured and compared to someone dealing with a cancer diagnosis.  It validates my hurt to know that, and that somehow helps.

 

Also I wish I could bring you a lasagna and mow your lawn.


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TTC since December 2004

One successful IVF

Many, many unsuccessful IF treatments

Finally a successful DE cycle!  babyEver is due July 1st.

 


#6 north

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Posted 24 December 2015 - 12:45 PM

Reaching out to you dawnkey. And the holidays can be such a tough time when times are tough. The grief involved in travelling this road is so huge. I felt like my knees were buckling in the process, over and over and over again. It's utterly brutal. So, please be gentle with yourself. Your good self has had a hell of a time through no fault of your own; please be kind to you. Letting yourself just be where you're at right now might be both the hardest thing and the biggest relief. In my own experience, I found there was nowhere else I could be except inside what felt like the belly of the beast of the grief, the despair, the hopelessness, the fear, etc. 

north


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#7 lumnay

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Posted 24 December 2015 - 05:05 PM

I'm sorry for your loss.

Who stole ambushed my stork?  So many failed cycles with nothing to show but bills, receipts, and empty bottles of medications/herbs/supplements. See my profile for details...

 

UPDATE: I'm counting the days and hours waiting for this miracle to unfold. Christina Perri's A Thousand Years pretty much sums up my experience.


#8 Roller coaster

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Posted 24 December 2015 - 11:45 PM

Dawnkey ....... You are not alone. I've been in your shoes. The pain and sense of loss never leave you, but do get slightly better with time. I had my miracle daughter and when I got pregnant the second time I found out at 10 weeks we had no heart beat and ended up having a D & C. The days, weeks, months following our loss I was completely devastated, emotionally crushed and fell into a depressive episode. It was the darkest days of my life so far. I couldn't smile, I felt like I couldn't be happy yet I had a daughter I wanted to enjoy and be a good mom but I was so crushed I could barely function.
I sought professional help from a psychologist and spent a long time working through the grief over the loss, and the ongoing infertility struggle. I had to focus on me and allow myself to give myself "extreme self care". It's been almost 5 years since our loss and I'm only now finally starting to feel a sense of a new normal for me. It's taken that long to work through the emotions and find a way to continue on and find joy in life. Please reach out and ask for the help you need. Everything you feel is completely normal. PM iif you need support or just to vent or chat. My heart aches for you.

#9 dawnkey

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Posted 26 December 2015 - 01:11 AM

Thank you all so much for your kind words, love and support. I was feeling so very low when I wrote my original post and it feels good to admit that I'm hurting. It feels like we're supposed to be so strong and resilient but sometimes I just need a hug and someone to tell me that it's going to be ok again one day. I love this site and the people on it so much. I hope you guys are enjoying your Holidays with your loved ones. <3


  • Roller coaster, CdnHockeyGal and EverHopefull! like this

Me (41) Dx - Annovulatory PCOS, One blocked tube, Hashimoto's + Him (36) Perfect in every way! + 3 Fresh IVF cycles = Two perfect 👶🏼👶🏼 And one 👼🏼! Our Family is complete!

Treatment/Cycle details in my 'About Me'


#10 Kayte

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Posted 26 December 2015 - 08:55 PM

I truly feel for you Dawnkey and am sending you a big virtual hug.

 

Your message really caught my attention as I've been struggling to search out others in my particular scenario and see how they are doing and how they move on from their struggles while being so grateful to be a parent and have their child. You have many similarities to me!

 

We also are truly blessed with a 3 year old daughter, after years of struggle and cycles. We were overjoyed to have her and I know she is 'enough' - but I have to admit that by the time we finally became pregnant, and weathered a high-risk and sickly pregnancy, part of my soul already felt a bit wrecked by my infertility journey to that point. We make an incredible family of three, but even though I've sought out counselling to help work through my experiences before having her and since, I still don't feel like the same person and wish desperately I could be.

 

I often feel guilty talking about it, because the pain of not being a mother, and not knowing if I ever would be, is something very unique and since I have been blessed with a child, I know my struggles and pain since cannot match that time when I wasn't. I have vowed never to take for granted my blessings and I remember the walk before my daughter - I could never forget it and to do so is an injustice to my fellow "infertility sisters" if you will.

 

We have done 3 fresh cycles since our daughter - 1 chemical, 2 BFN. Our last cycle, we had embryos to freeze for the first time. Our FET was our last chance - financially, physically, emotionally. I hadn't really allowed myself to believe it could happen as a self-protective mechanism, but then it worked! And we saw our baby with a heartbeat on an ultrasound, and even when I started to bleed and kept going to the clinic for help and reassurance, they told me to start making plans. To believe it was real. To contact my doctor, book a midwife, and so on. And then we had a miscarriage.

 

Our families know of our 8 year struggle - though all of them are very fertile, have never had miscarriages, and all our siblings have conceived numerous times while we began trying before any of them. We have tried to be the "bigger people" and celebrate around them while dying inside. Although they watched us commit our lives basically to cycling well away from our home town, and seeing us sell our home and all else, we really didn't feel much empathy. And we have also been hurt knowing that we lost our baby this summer after all this praying, dreaming and sacrificing, and that doesn't seem like a big deal to them either. So we know what it feels like to be alone and come here for support and guidance, since an additional tragedy is being deprived of this in real life by those "closest" to you.

 

Because we were able to have a child, I think many people think losses are not grieving-worthy or truly, the passing of little lives. But they are. And I also don't write about it much, since I am hyper-sensitive to the grief of those in the trenches, trying to find a way to bring their first baby home or into the world. The struggle for me is one of guilt, and not knowing quite where to turn.

 

So I wanted to share this, and also say, I feel you and I feel your pain. Some things that have helped me were, 1) after our loss, talking to the fertility counsellor at our clinic. As a couple and independently, it is so helpful. That counsellor has seen and heard of everything, in every way, and is a great resource! 2) Being prepared to say to others that may dismiss our pain or any comments about our past years of struggle, "No, actually, we don't feel that way about things. We feel grief and sorrow for our losses and being infertile has drastically affected all aspects of our life - we work through it every day" - some version or amount of that! 3) Seeking a way to realize that wonderful lives can be lived, despite what we have had to see and fight for and live through, and despite how it differs from our concept of what our families could be, or what others are around us. Because we have the gift of a perfect child, no matter how bruised we were on our way to them, they might just be the biggest miracles we'll ever know, and I need to find a way to rejoice in that as we only have one shot at this life!

 

Hope this makes sense. Hang in there! Your pain and grief is real, and "being your own best friend" is a wonderful piece of advice!


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