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Another period, another disappointment

miscarriage iui hope period ivf waiting OFC

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#1 Womb Occupied

Womb Occupied
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  • 216 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Ottawa, ON
  • Interests:Working out, knitting and chilling with my hubby & pets.
  • Dx:Unexplained
  • My Clinic:OFC

Posted 11 December 2015 - 01:13 PM

Hi,

 

I'm pretty new to the board (less than a week) and am already so thankful to have finally found the courage to join.  Reading everyone's posts has been so beneficial.

 

 

My DH and I have been TTC to conceive for 3 years now. 

I got my period this morning, which I was expecting, so no real surprise there. Thing is, that officially makes it 36 months.  36 long trying months.  There is something about that number that has my head spinning.

 

We came close twice, with my first 2 IUI cycles (spring 2015).  First one I got my BFP, but was already bleeding heavily.  And my progesterone, though supplemented with Prometrium, was way too low.  I lost that one. 

 

The second round, I used the power of postitivity and I somehow knew the cycle had worked.  All the symptoms were there, again.  I truly believed it would stick.  And then I started bleeding.  Earlier and heavier than the last time.  I lost it that one too. 

 

Lots of tests, just to check.  Everything checked out. Just keep trying they said.

We did one more cycle, that one was a BFN.  And honnestly that was okay.  It was better than m/c #3. We started seriously talking about IVF.

 

 

Then we heard about the coverage in Ontario for IVF, we were so happy for help with our process!!

We found out as much as we could: what would be covered, what would not?  When could we get started? What steps did we need to follow?

 

We were on the waiting list by Halloween, and felt encouraged that things were moving forward. 

But then things stalled, no more answers for now.  Maybe next week, maybe by end of month. 

Soon, in the grand scheme, but never soon enough.

 

The waiting is what nearly kills me: the 2WW, the wait to get the all clear for a next cycle, the wait to feel fuctional after 2 m/cs, the wait for x-y-z.  Okay, I'm being overly dramatic: nothing nearly killed me.  Though sometimes it does feel like a little part of you is dying.

 

 

So back to today.  I got my period.  No surprise, but all the disapppointment. Because there is always that hope. Maybe, just maybe this time it happened!?

 

I refuse to let go of that hope.  It pulls me through the hard days.  It is like a blanket of comfort when the world makes no sense.  It allows me to dream of holding our own baby when yet another friend gives birth. 

I love that hope.  I need it.  And I refuse to let it go.

 

But that same hope that I cherish betrays me.  It is why when I see that first sign of blood, I cry a little.  Sometimes, for a fleeting moment, I wish I could be numb, but I'm not.  And I know that I do not truly want to stop feeling all the feels.  It's just really overwhelming sometimes.

 

 

And it's been such a looong time of trying. 

 

I have always been very driven.  "If you put your mind to it..." is what I believed, what I still believe.  But fertility doesn't really fit into that mentality, does it?

 

You try: you take all the advice from the doctor, from the naturopath, the acupunturist. You eat better, you don't drink, you exercise, but not too much.  You go to therapy, you meditate, you even colour (yay colouring books for adults!) You do everything "right", but still you wait.

 

And so here I am waiting. Hanging out with hope, my trusty old friend.  Reminding myself that infertility does not define me.

 

There's always next month, next cycle, next year...

 

 

Thanks for listening!

-xx-

 


  • Ola1981 likes this

33yo, dh 36yo
Unexplained diagnosis, though LPD, DOR and sub-optimal motility likely factors
TTC 3+ years, 1 clomid, 2 tamoxifen cycles in 2014, 3 IUI cycles in 2015 with 2 chemical pregnancies & 1 bfn
 
Got the call for OHIP covered cycle mid January 2016
Microdose Flare protocol - BCP started 01/26, injections as of 02/18
03/02 13 eggs retrieved (9 mature, 5 fertilized)
03/07 B3grade2 transferred, none to freeze
03/18 beta: 435  th_abfp.gif
03/21 beta repeat: 2146, progesterone >127
04/05 1 beautiful little embryo, measuring 7w1d, 133bpm 

 

xCODm4.png

 


#2 lunaflame

lunaflame
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  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Kingston
  • Dx:Tubal
  • My Clinic:Ottawa Fertility Centre

Posted 11 December 2015 - 01:32 PM

Saying sorry just isn't enough.  This whole process just sucks and there really are no good words to say.  My husband and I tried on our own for years before being referred to OFC for IVF and sticking it out through the failed cycles ended up being a blessing for us.  I hope you keep up with your journey in the new year and I wish you so much luck with everything to come!   


  • Womb Occupied likes this

August 2009 - Marriage and TTC

2010 - Ectopic #1 rupture (6 weeks pregnant, lost left tube)

December 2011 - Ectopic #2 surgery (6 weeks and one day pregnant, right tube damaged)

 

IVF #1 - March 2013

Antagonist Protocol (200 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, Ovidrel)

6 eggs retrieved (5 mature), 3 fertilized, 1 transferred (3-day)

BFN

 

IVF #2 - May/June 2013

Patch Protocol (Estradot, 300 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, Ovidrel)

14 eggs retrieved (14 mature), 1 fertilized, 1 transfered (2-day)

BFN

 

IVF #3 - September/October 2013

Patch Protocol plus ICSI (Estradot, 400 Gonal-F, Luveris, Cetrotide, Ovidrel)

September 15th - Day 1

September 27th - LH Surge 

October 10th - Day 1 - here we go again!

October 11th - start Gonal-F and Luveris

October 15th - start Cetrotide

October 21st - Trigger

October 23rd - ER (20 eggs, 14 fertilized with ICSI)

October 28th - ET (10 embryos made it to day 5!!! 1 transfered as i have OHSS symptoms)

October 29th - 5 frozen embryos!!!

November 8th - BFP!!!

 

July 17th, 2014 - My little miracle Sophia Noelle was born at 11:05pm, weighing 7 pounds, 14 ounces

 

2015

March 10th - Doctor appointment to discuss the FET process.

May - monitoring cycle for LH surge, day 21 bloodwork

June 2nd - SIS/blood results are perfect...FET #1 is officially a GO!

 

FET #1 (unmedicated) - October 2015

October 7th - Day 1

October 16th - daily blood work starts

October 18th - bloodwork (i'm surging baby!!!)

October 19th - ultrasound to check lining

October 22nd - ET - 1 embryo transfered (4 left frozen)

November 5th - BFP!!! Beta 1206

November 9th - ultrasound showed sac in uterus yay!!! Beta over 5000

November 26th - ultrasound showed babe is measuring 8 weeks exactly today

January 6th - Ultrasound and blood (IPS Screening)

February 3rd - IPS Screening part-two - blood

February 11th - anatomy scan - it's a GIRL!!!

February 12th - results of IPS screening - all tests NEGATIVE!!!

DUE DATE - July 6th, 2016 (baby is measuring ahead by 3 days)!!!

 

July 6th, 2016 - My 2nd little miracle Sydney Quinn was born at 9:48am, weighing 8 pounds, 3 ounces

 


#3 Lola1973

Lola1973
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  • Gender:Female
  • Dx:N/A

Posted 11 December 2015 - 01:38 PM

Welcome Wombavailable,

Your post is very well written. I can recognize myself in it as can probably many of us:)

It is hard to face infertility and maybe especially hard when you are a driven individual. I know.

I used my drive to research and research the topic and then to keep trying even when we got discouraging news...

I finally got my BFP (for a pregnancy that is evolving well) after 43 months.

I really hope you get yours with your upcoming treatment:)

In the mean time, people are very knowlegeable and supportive here so don't hesitate to ask your questions or share how you are feeling like you just did

Best of luck!
  • Womb Occupied likes this

Ttc first child for both of us since February 2012

Surgery and diagnosis of severe endometriosis Nov. 2012

IVF#1 April 2013: BFP8388.gif 9 weeks

IVF#2 Sept 2013: BFP8388.gif 9,5 weeks

Clinic 2:

IVF#3 May 2014: Embryo banking: 4 blasts

IVF#4 July 2014: Embryo banking: 3 blasts

PGS Result August 2014: All 7 blasts are abnormal... Moving on to DE.

Clinic 3:

Transfer #1 Feb. 2015: BFN

Transfer #2 June 2015: BFN

Transfer #3 Sept 2015: th_abfp.gifon hpt Sept 24!!!!

1st beta 12dp3dt: 421 2nd beta 14dp3dt:1025 Viability US (6w6d): One perfect baby measuring 7.0 weeks with HB of 130!!yahoo.gif

8- week US: Cutest little gummy bear measuring 8w1d

Harmony test 10weeks: Risk of trisomy 13, 18 and 21 under 1 in 10,000
20-week US: Baby girl right on track!

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers


#4 Womb Occupied

Womb Occupied
  • Global 100+
  • 216 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Ottawa, ON
  • Interests:Working out, knitting and chilling with my hubby & pets.
  • Dx:Unexplained
  • My Clinic:OFC

Posted 11 December 2015 - 01:55 PM

Thank you lunaflame & Lola1973!

 

Though no one in my immediate surroundings is going through this (not that I would want them to... EVER), I appreciate your comments so much bc you help remind me I am so not alone!

 

I wish you both much success!


33yo, dh 36yo
Unexplained diagnosis, though LPD, DOR and sub-optimal motility likely factors
TTC 3+ years, 1 clomid, 2 tamoxifen cycles in 2014, 3 IUI cycles in 2015 with 2 chemical pregnancies & 1 bfn
 
Got the call for OHIP covered cycle mid January 2016
Microdose Flare protocol - BCP started 01/26, injections as of 02/18
03/02 13 eggs retrieved (9 mature, 5 fertilized)
03/07 B3grade2 transferred, none to freeze
03/18 beta: 435  th_abfp.gif
03/21 beta repeat: 2146, progesterone >127
04/05 1 beautiful little embryo, measuring 7w1d, 133bpm 

 

xCODm4.png

 


#5 JennyAnne

JennyAnne
  • Global 100+
  • 104 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Dx:Male Factor

Posted 11 December 2015 - 03:10 PM

Just wanted to say your post was beautifully written.  I think a lot of women on here can relate to what you wrote.  I hope you get a real time frame on when you can start IVF and I wish you much luck. 


  • Womb Occupied likes this

TTC for 2+ years
Male factor infertility
IVF/ICSI - 11/2009 BFN (Froze 6)
IVF/ICSI - 02/2010 Chemical pg
IVF/ICSI - 05/2010 BFN
FET - 08/25/2010 transferred 3 embies
1st Beta - 09/08/2010 288.7
2nd Beta - 09/10/2010 941
3rd Beta - 09/13/2010 2,859
I AM PREGNANT!!!
U/S - 09/22/2010

CALEB ISAAC born 5/26/11


#6 Womb Occupied

Womb Occupied
  • Global 100+
  • 216 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Ottawa, ON
  • Interests:Working out, knitting and chilling with my hubby & pets.
  • Dx:Unexplained
  • My Clinic:OFC

Posted 11 December 2015 - 03:17 PM

Thanks JennyAnne!

I think all the journal writting has been good practice as of late giggle.gif 

I trust we will know "soon", but I think we all know that even a day can sometimes feel like an eternity! I have been feeling so impatient with this feeling of limbo...


33yo, dh 36yo
Unexplained diagnosis, though LPD, DOR and sub-optimal motility likely factors
TTC 3+ years, 1 clomid, 2 tamoxifen cycles in 2014, 3 IUI cycles in 2015 with 2 chemical pregnancies & 1 bfn
 
Got the call for OHIP covered cycle mid January 2016
Microdose Flare protocol - BCP started 01/26, injections as of 02/18
03/02 13 eggs retrieved (9 mature, 5 fertilized)
03/07 B3grade2 transferred, none to freeze
03/18 beta: 435  th_abfp.gif
03/21 beta repeat: 2146, progesterone >127
04/05 1 beautiful little embryo, measuring 7w1d, 133bpm 

 

xCODm4.png

 






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