This is my first post in this forum. It's probably going to be a bit convoluted, as i haven't quite worked it out in my head. Any input would be so appreciated, thank you!
Just a little bit of background: We've been TTC since Jan 12 and recently had a failed IVF (implantation failure). I have a combination of PCOS and was diagnosed with stage 3/4 endometriosis in April 14. Sadly my endo returned after a few months following the laparoscopy but i was put on a hormonal treatment for three months before we went ahead with the IVF, in order for my uterus to be in a better shape.
From a personal point of view, i think i would describe myself as a person who doesn't easily ask for help or show how things really bother me, insofar as they are related to my friends. What this means in practical terms is that i haven't quite showed how difficult it has been to see friends, especially the friends who know of our struggles, getting pregnant throughout these difficult years. To add the to mix, i work with children.
I have a couple of fantastic friends who are nothing but understanding, non-judgemental and try very hard to be supportive. One of them has been pregnant and delivered, and i am very close to her children. She has also always acknowledged how things are hard and has asked often and directly how she can 'be' around me when the topic of pregnancy was on the table. I can only imagine how hard it was for her to tell me her happy news and go through her pregnancy and motherhood knowing her friend was, in all likelihood, suffering at various points in time.
This failed IVF knocked me sideways and down. Maybe it was the fact that i may have been since the beginning of our ordeal, as many would probably describe, logical about the whole thing and only very mildly showed how i was feeling. How each loss, month after month, becomes more horrible, taxing and soul consuming. I feel completely obliterated and very, very invisible. I feel like i have to be a person i am not feeling at the moment, especially at work.
My three colleagues at work are also three of the people who know about the whole process. One of them is currently pregnant, having discovered she was (at 3 months by a complete surprise, as she wasn't trying) only a week before i started the IVF process. We were all on holidays so now we're back, with me being bereft and her having a beautiful baby bump.
My heart bleeds that i am in such a dark place that i feel i can't be in full discussion about her joyful news, although i haven't said it or shown it (i think). I am so very happy for her. I can only imagine she feels highly uncomfortable talking about her pregnancy and so, when we are all together, this is the elephant in the room. What has hurt me tremendously, and i utterly know this is not fair to her, is that she hasn't acknowledged what i have been through. I understand this is probably because of the whole not knowing what to say/ maybe will make it worse, but i feel like i haven't been acknowledged and, yet, i feel responsible for taking the first step to diffuse the situation. Make it bearable to everyone by either taking the initiative to talk about the pregnancy so they feel it's a green light or going up to her to tell her i either can or cannot talk about it, when it's so not black and white.
I hate putting my friends in this situation, i hate that i am the big elephant in the room. But i feel so overwhelmed with this loss, so conflicted about having to go on about my normal life, as if i'm not honouring my loss(es). And so invisible.
Any advice would be so welcome.
Thank you all.