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BFP after IVF isn't what I imagined it to be

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#1 lumnay

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Posted 19 June 2015 - 05:41 PM

Have you ever felt like you cannot celebrate after getting the news from your clinic that you have a positive hcg test?  A part of me would like to get really excited and celebrate this wonderful phase of my life.  Another part of me is feeling very cautious and scared that this might not lead to a happy ending.  Ain't I full of drama?  Hahahaha....
 
Do not get me wrong.  I am very grateful to see 2 lines on an HPT for the first time!  I cried instantly when my clinic called me two days ago to give me my beta hcg level.  I immediately told my husband "Babe, I finally passed the (blood)test! It's real! The sticks didn't lie to us!"  We went out for dinner, went home, and hugged each other for a very long time.
 
The thing is.....we are also scared. We don't want to get extremely excited because a lot of things could still happen.  He's not saying it but I can tell that he's anxious as I am about this whole process.  For now all we can do is to "wait and see" because things will unfold as they should.  I would like to feel more happiness and excitement though.  I would like to focus on the all the positive aspects of this experience but I am aware that the dark shadow of infertility will always haunt us.
 
Many years ago if you had asked me how I'll celebrate when I get a positive pregnancy test I would have come up with so many fun and exciting answers.  If you had asked me last year while we were getting failed cycles (after fertility procedures), I still would have been able to give you "a fun idea on how to celebrate a BFP."  However, infertility is an exhausting condition.  When we started IVF, we were so sucked in that we stopped thinking about the future.  We lived one day at a time and it is very difficult for somebody like me because I'm a planner.  We were terrified to fail because we seemed to have given it all.  Another failure, especially after an extremely invasive and expensive procedure, is not something that our marriage is prepared tackle with confidence.  When I got a positive HPT last week I just hugged my husband and he knew what that hug meant. No big celebration whatsoever.  We're just happy that we could at least get a positive test.
 
Infertility has really changed me and the way my husband and I look at things in terms of creating a family.  I think whether or not this pregnancy succeeds we will still walk out of this journey with emotional scars, important life lessons, and hopefully a stronger marriage. Oh wait, I forgot to mention the lines of credit and more bills to pay!
 
L
 
flow.gif
 
P. S.  
I forgot to mention that this journey has presented me with opportunities to connect with amazing individuals here who have continuously showered me with support and love. For that I am truly grateful. 
 
  • ollie2013, Traveladdict, t-bird and 1 other like this

Who stole ambushed my stork?  So many failed cycles with nothing to show but bills, receipts, and empty bottles of medications/herbs/supplements. See my profile for details...

 

UPDATE: I'm counting the days and hours waiting for this miracle to unfold. Christina Perri's A Thousand Years pretty much sums up my experience.


#2 ollie2013

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Posted 19 June 2015 - 06:00 PM

All i can say lumnay is that your feelings and emotions are 100% normal and natural...

 

 

try to continue to be positive and optimistic and just take it one day at a time

 

Sending thoughts and prayers your way XO


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me 26, dh 32

ttc for almost 3 years

one ectopic pregnancy, lost one tube- 2013

one miscarriage- 2014

poor egg quality, unstable hormone levels. AMH dropped from 4 to 1.5 in 4 months.. had it retested and came back at 1.4

RE predicts that i will go through menopause around age 30..27 or 28. Suggests one round  of ivf and then it is time to move onto another option.

1st ivf booked to begin in september

Sept 17- B/w and U/S, Starting Stimulation

Clinic Error and IVF cycle cancelled in October- took some time to think about my options

 

November- Moving onto donor eggs-

donor #1 selected through little miracles

Dec 29- Lupron Injection

Jan 22- Estrace Started

Estimated Retrieval day for donor is Feb 6. 5 days into the cycle, donor was found to have cocaine and marijuana in her bloodstream- cycle cancelled.. heartbroken and very disappointed

Donor egg cycle round 2 - let's hope things go well this time!

Donor #2 selected... Retrieval in April!


#3 amazing grace

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Posted 19 June 2015 - 06:11 PM

Lumnay, I understand your feelings and agree with Ollie. I know it is hard to get excited, I didn't either because I was so afraid. Try to enjoy your moment and things will happen as they should. I wish you only the best and hope that things will be smooth all the way to 9 months. I wish I had enjoyed the moment and if there is a next time for me, I promised myself that I would be happy, positive and in the moment from the first moment that I find out. I also promised myself that I would trust my pregnancy and my baby from the first moment. That I did not do as well and I wish it for you.


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#4 north

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Posted 19 June 2015 - 07:37 PM

Oh Lumnay ~ I totally get where you are coming from. In this whole experience, I've often felt like I have a seatbelt on my heart even if there's something hopeful that comes. I really think it's a normal part of what's so complex in the whole experience: guarded optimism. 

All my best,

north


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#5 Clairey

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Posted 19 June 2015 - 07:43 PM

Infertility robs people of many things. For those of us lucky enough to get a BFP, many of us are also robbed of security, confidence, and the joy that others feel when a BFP is easily attained. And for many of that many, it lasts until there is a baby in your arms.Then, there is also the guilt that the repercussions of infertility have become a part of you even though you may have promised yourself if you ever got that BFP, you'd be jumping off the ceilings and filled with the greatest happiness there could be. You traded part of yourself to get here and at least for me, that made the fear of loss feel more extreme or serious.

 

My advice is very similar to the above. Be cautiously joyful. This is a wondrous result that you have sacrificed everything for. Have faith in this miracle you before may never have dreamed could be. Take it day by day and relish in what's going on inside you, what you felt when you hugged your hubby for so long. What has happened is wonderful, and a hopeful and positive mindset will fuel you all along. Best wishes and congratulations!


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#6 EverHopefull!

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Posted 19 June 2015 - 07:47 PM

I'm picking up what you're putting down Lumnay! We didn't celebrate until I was 7 months pregnant, the date that the baby could survive if he was born early. We didn't buy anything until I was 8 months pregnant because we were still worried we would jinx it. We were super happy but also super cautious. So I totally get it!

What helped me was to remember that it was out of my hands. You worked your a$$ off to get there, and not many people have the fortitude to go through what you have. All you need to do now is take care of yourself and get lots of rest. It will get easier when you start reaching milestones!
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TTC since December 2004

One successful IVF

Many, many unsuccessful IF treatments

Finally a successful DE cycle!  babyEver is due July 1st.

 


#7 ilovemydogs

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Posted 19 June 2015 - 07:54 PM

I totally understand and can empathize with you. As a member of the online infertility community you are privy to everyone's story from the beginning and are exposed to the good, bad and ugly stories. If you're not part of this world, you tend to see the good with limited exposure to the miscarriages, chemicals, expensive negatives. Because our eyes are open, it's more difficult to just sit back and relax. It's even harder knowing that if things don't work out, you can't just wait a few months, snap your fingers and get the two lines again for free. 

 

However, for every unhappy ending there are happily ever afters on here. I hope you are one of them!


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Finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

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#8 kristeen033

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Posted 20 June 2015 - 09:21 AM

I completely know the feeling. We pretty much held our breaths for the whole first trimester...and even know at 22 weeks I still worry almost everyday and think to myself I won't be done worrying until I am holding babies in my arms...but then we still worry. Congrats to you!!!


  • ollie2013, lumnay and dallz like this

Me: 37, Tubal Ligation 2002, Tubal Reversal 2008
DH: 34, Normal
DS 16yrs & DD 14yrs from previous marriage
Trying for 7 years
November 2009 - BFP - Chemical Pregnancy
September 2011 - Clomid 3 rounds all BFN
March 2012 - Start IVF #1 at RFP in Calgary
April 2012 - 16 eggs retrieved, 14 fertilized, 8 5 day blasts
Transfered 1 hatching blast - BFP!!!!! 7 blasts frozen.
May 2012 - 7 week U/S - baby measured good and had heartbeat
June 2012 - Stopped Prometrium 10 weeks, started bleeding 3 days later, U/S showed baby died right after 7 week U/S
August 25, 2012 - Start Suprefact for FET #1
September 8, 2012 - Start Estrace
September 21, 2012 - U/S Booked!
September 26, 2012 - FET Transferred one perfect blast. F/X
October 6, 2012 - 10dp5dt BFFN
October 9, 2012 - POAS test at Doctor's Office BFN
November 27, 2012 - Start Suprefact for FET #2
December 29, 2012 - U/S Booked
January 3, 2013 - Transferred One Hatching Blast!!! Still have 3 more in the freezer
January 10, 2013 - 7dp5dt - HPT - BFP!!!!!!
January 15, 2013 - Beta 96
January 17, 2013 - Beta 16 = Chemical Pregnancy
January 19, 2013 - FRER HPT - BFFN
June 6, 2013 - FET #3 - Starting Suprefact...hoping third time is the charm!
July 3, 2013 - U/S Booked
July 9, 2013 - FET date!!!
July 20, 2013 - 11dp5dt HPT = BFN sad.png
July 2014 - Fresh IVF Cycle Estrogen Priming Protocol

August 2, 2014 - 24 eggs retrieved!

August 3, 2014 - 11 Eggs fertilized

August 7, 2014 - Transferred 1 beautiful blast. 3 more frozen.

August 8, 2014 - Got call from clinic 6 more blasts frozen!!!  9 snow babies total and one in the oven smile.png

August 20, 2014 - First beta BFN

February 1, 2015 - FET Natural Cycle - Transferred 2 blasts one hatched. FXFX!!!

February 6, 2015 - POAS even though I know it's early...and surprise...BFP!!!!

February 10, 2015 - 9dp5dt - BFP on Clearblue Digital!!!!! th_abfp.gifyahoo.gif

February 19, 2015 - Beta 8928!!!! EDD Oct 23/15

March 7, 2015 - Ultrasound shows TWINS!!!! 2 little beans measuring 8 weeks with two little flutters for heartbeats preggo.gif

March  31, 2015 - 11 Weeks U/S. Baby A measures 11w3d Baby B measures 11w5d!!!!

May 2015 - 5 month ultrasound. Both babies look fantastic!!!! TEAM GREEN!!!giggle.gif

October 5, 2015 - C-Section date booked to meet my little babes!!! Can't wait the countdown is on!!!!!

September 19, 2015 - Babies decided to make an early appearance at 35 weeks 4 days!!!

Connor Melvin - Born 5:11am weighing 4lb15oz

Emily May - Born 5:13am weighing 5lb8oz

We are so in love! babygirl.gifbabyboy.gif

 

 

 


#9 SunshineTTC

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Posted 20 June 2015 - 01:34 PM

I think everyone here who has gone through years of struggles and disappointments totally gets what you're saying and feeling.  I've talked a lot to my mother about her 3 pregnancies, natural at ages 31, 35, 39, each one taking 4-5 months of "trying" (but not even such things as OPKs back then).  Literally the thought of miscarriage or anything going wrong never once crossed her mind in 3x 9 months. No one in her family had ever miscarried that she knew of, in fact she didn't know anyone at all in her life that had had any major problems or miscarriage. So it never once entered her thought process, she just assumed the instant she knew she was pregnant that it was 9 months good to go to a healthy baby.  It was completely new to her watching me and how scared I was after my BFP waiting for (unfortunately not good) ultrasound.  I think part of being on this infertility roller-coaster that we often don't acknowledge is that we lose out on that naïve care-free joyful feeling and "worry free" pregnancy that "the rest of the world" seems to have. In a way there's a process of mourning for that "normality" that needs to happen to accept our own very different reality.


  • Arbutus, ollie2013, lumnay and 1 other like this

Me: 40 41 42 43 44 45, single, FSH 6, LH 2 (FSH not high, but exceeded 2:1 ratio), DOR (AFC 5-7, v.low AMH), all else normal/healthy.

After a difficult 6 year journey of everything going wrong, amazing baby boy born Dec 2018.  Donor sperm + DEB-USA donor eggs.  Detailed journey in 'about me'.

 


#10 north

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Posted 20 June 2015 - 03:17 PM

That's so beautifully put, SunshineTTC. Well said. 

north


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#11 Traveladdict

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Posted 21 June 2015 - 05:41 PM

First and foremost, congrats on the BFP Lumnay! The emotions you are experiencing are totally normal, unfortunate, but normal. I so wish I was feeling blissfully pregnant, but it's just not the case here either. I'm 15w3d and I still worry almost on a daily basis... Will the beta double? Will there be a heartbeat at the 6 week ultrasound? 6 weeks to 12 week NT scan was torture, will the baby be alive? Will the IPS be negative? Will the NIPT be negative? What about the 18 week scan? I think I will keep worrying until I have a live and healthy baby in my arms! My husband and I have barely talked about us finally expecting... It's like it's still too early to even talk about baby names, baby stuff, nursery; we're both holding our breaths. For the time being, I just try to remind myself that there is nothing I can do at this point to prevent a miscarriage. 

 

The journey has been a very isolating experience until now. We've dealt with out infertility and treatments mostly in private. Both families know it's taking forever, some colleagues and friends were made aware that we were moving onto IVF, but not given precise dates as I did not want to owe anybody any results. We told our 3 closest friends at the 12 week mark as this is such a big secret. We are planning on telling the families only after the 18 week scan as I feel like I can't allow myself to be truly excited about it yet... Also, my family has been rather insensitive about our fertility strugles and I can't help but hold a grudge against them, ugh I hate that I have to deal with these negative emotions. I know for a fact that my mom will be upset to find out so late, but that's how it's going to be. I also really feel for all the women who haven't gotten their BFPs yet, I feel guilty sometimes for finally being pregnant.

 

We had the in-laws over for a father's day brunch today as we were told my SIL had to go to a wedding shower. Turned out my SIL had to leave to go to a baby shower in the afternoon. She said her friend (whom I know) had finally gotten pregnant after her second IVF. Right away, I got thinking if my IVF had failed this news would have totally ruined father's day for years to come... How awful am I for thinking that way? She then explained that they had been trying for 12 years (!) and that included 2 fresh transfers and multiple frozen ones... Oh my! Let me tell you, that put everything into perspective at that very moment and it made me realize that we were very lucky all things considered. I'm a changed woman, there is no doubt abou that. Infertility has left me with some scars too and even though they will always be there, I hope they will fade over time and I will get my confidence, self esteem, joy of life and adventurous spirit back eventually.

 

My only advice to you is to take time to worry, as it's inevitable by now, but also take time for yourself. Focus on your hobbies, get out and enjoy the summer, go on dates with your husband...


  • Arbutus, ollie2013, lumnay and 1 other like this

Me (32) - DOR

Him (33) - MFI (10-20% motility, 0-5% morphology)

Jan 2013: started TTC

Jan 2014: first consult with RE; Mar 2014: dx with DOR (AFC:7, FSH:12.5), started 75mg DHEA and 600mg co-q10 daily

Jul-Oct 2014: FSH varrying between 3.5 and 6.5! ... IUIs #1-4 (3 x femara + 1 x overlap(femara+gonal-f) all BFN

Feb 2015: DH had follow-up with urologist, no varicoceles detected, DNA fragmentation is 9.77! Prescribed Clomid

Feb 2015: IVF 1.0 (AFC:7; FSH:?) - Antagonist protocol (no BCP): 300-375IU gonal-f ... cancelled due to poor response converted to IUI#5, BFN

Mar 2015: IVF 1.1 (AFC: 9; FSH:6.5) - microflare protocol (no BCP): 10 units diluted lupron twice daily + 375IU gonal-f daily:  5R/5M/5F-ICSI (2015-03-17), transferred 1 day 5 embryo grade 5AB (2015-03-22); froze 2 early blasts (grade 1BB) on day 6 Faint BFP at 5dp5dt... Beta#1 (10dp5dt): 391, beta#2 (12dp5dt): 1097! First US (2015-04-17): measuring 6w1d, 117bpm, EDD: Dec 10

May 2015: DH had follow-up with urologist, Clomid did nothing


#12 s00n

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Posted 30 June 2015 - 08:31 AM

Congrats on your BFP!! I am 24 weeks tomorrow, and I'm entirely feeling your feelings. Friends on this ride with us are excited.  We're not really. It's hard after the struggles.  We started TTC in 2008/09.

 

We did the HPT and my DH didn't believe me. We got a SUPER freaking high beta and I wondered what was wrong (we did elective single embryo transfer, so we figured it wasn't twins and we did NOT want twins.) We got a normal ultrasound and were still unconvinced.  Some bleeding and a subchorionic hemmorhage and I was sure it was done. More normal scans, still not convinced.

 

Recently I have finally switched to a midwife, actually thinking about the actual process of giving birth.


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See my about me page for details on our IF journey including adoption and other avenues.

#13 Arbutus

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Posted 04 July 2015 - 02:32 PM

I am glad I came across this thread today.  I am 12w3d.  Over the past week or so I have been wondering about my lack of excitement about the pregnancy, especially since I am now at the end of the first trimester.  I was getting concerned that I may have attachment issues since I used DE.  After reading everyone's comments I feel much better about the lack of excitement about this pregnancy that I am experiencing.  It seems that for many, this is just another side effect of IF.  My GP described my outlook as still being in 'waiting to see if it is going to work out' mode.  A friend who has gone through IF has said she will be super excited for me until I am ready to catch up, then we can be excited together.

 

My first OB appointment is next week (I've been seeing my GP until I could get an appointment).  I'm waiting to see how I feel after that appointment to decide whether or not to begin telling some friends/family.  I'm starting to show so, ready or not, it won't be long before I need to share the news.


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#14 Arbutus

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Posted 07 July 2015 - 10:53 PM

I had my OB appointment today.  The OB had difficulty locating the heartbeat so he brought out his u/s machine.   At 12w6d the image was no longer just a gray mass that only a doctor could interpret - it was very clearly a baby with its little legs kicking.  I got the shakes I was so overwhelmed with emotion.  Today it finally feels real.

 

Lumnay: I read your status update.  I am thinking of you and hoping for the best.


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#15 sunshine09

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Posted 08 July 2015 - 11:15 PM

I am so glad I found this is thread. I am only 4 weeks and 4 days but this is the farthest I have got in this journey and I am so so terrified. It's relieving to see other women feeling the same. I am even worried about my worrying and that I won't be able to relax throughout my entire pregnancy.


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Me 29, idiopathic anovulation/amenorrhea (not PCOS), DH 30, morphology 3%

TTC since March 2014 - Ovulation induction with clomid BFN, letrozole no ovulation

IVF cycle #1 - chemical pregnancy

FET cycle #1  - chemical pregnancy

See my profile for details

 

FET Cycle #2

Jun 8 2015 - CD1, start Estrace

Jun 21 2015 - lining check

Jun 26 2015 - embryo transfer, Day 6 4BA and Day 5 4BB

Jul 4 2015 - 8dpt beta 455

Jul 6 2015 - 10dpt beta 1620 

Jul 10 2015 - 14dpt beta 12185

Jul 12 2015 - 16dt beta 29872, 5 week scan for bleeding, 2 gestational & yolk sacs

Jul 20 2015 - Baby A 6wk1d 114 bpm, Baby B 6wk3d 119 bpm

July 30 2015 - Baby A 7wk5d 167 bpm, Baby B 8wk 172 bpm

Aug 6 2015 - Baby A 8wk6d 172 bpm, Baby B 9wk 176 bpm


#16 sunnyday2

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Posted 10 July 2015 - 12:05 PM

sunshine - fancy seeing you here. I didn't realize that we had actually had our transfers on the same day! 

 

To everybody else - I feel exactly the same way as everybody. This is SO scary! I would love to be more overjoyed about finally being pregnant.....but all I can do is worry. My clinic only does 2 betas and my first u/s is another 2.5 weeks away.....I think this wait will be longer than any tww ever was! 


Me (30) and DH (34). DH diagnosed with testicular cancer April 2013 and had orchiectomy (no radiation or chemo).Been TTC ever since. DH's numbers are low, but not terrible. I don't have any known issues.
 
IUI #1 (clomid) - December 2014 - 2 follicles - BFN.
IUI # 2 (letrozole) - February 2015 - 1 follicle - BFN
IUI # 3 (letrozole) - March 2015 - 1 follicle - BFN
IVF # 1 - May 2015 - Antagonist protocol 225 gonal-f / 75 luveris.  15 eggs retrieved, 9 fertilized. Transferred 1 3AA blast, 6 frosties. Beta June 3, 2015. BFN
FET # 1 - June 2015 eSET th_abfp.gif banana.gif
10dp5dt beta - 247. 12dp5dt beta - 550
7wk1d u/s - Surprise! The embryo has split and we're having ID twins! Baby A 7wk, 131 hb. Baby B 7wk2d, 127 hb.
8wk3d u/s - Babies measuring on track. Found out we're having mono-di twins (share same placenta, different sacs)
12wk2d u/s - on track
13wk5d - results of NIPT testing - we're having girls! babygirl.gif babygirl.gif 


Xi4Im4.png

#17 farmwife

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Posted 13 July 2015 - 02:59 PM

IF changes you. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse and sometimes for both. After the struggles we face we are guarded, and being on sites such as this exposes us to so many different scenarios, we become fully aware of the pain, heartache and hurt that can occur. Personally I'm a 'prepare for the worst and hope for the best' kind of person. My pregnancy was great, I was thankful for the opportunity everyday, I decided that there was nothing I could do and I didn't want to look back and say I wish I would have worried less and just enjoyed this beautiful gift more so I enjoyed it to the max. But it wasn't until our baby was placed in our arms that my DH and I let out a sigh of relief knowing that he was here and safe. And you know what those feeling don't leave all that easily. We are discussing TTC#2 my body says its ready, but honestly the fear of our cycle not working is what is holding me back, it's not something I'm ready to deal with. What if we just got lucky this one time? Our FET worked the first time but what if it doesn't again? Its a fear, one we can't control, just have to take things day by day. Enjoy the now.


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