16 replies to this topic

[lumnay]

Have you ever felt like you cannot celebrate after getting the news from your clinic that you have a positive hcg test?  A part of me would like to get really excited and celebrate this wonderful phase of my life.  Another part of me is feeling very cautious and scared that this might not lead to a happy ending.  Ain't I full of drama?  Hahahaha....
 
Do not get me wrong.  I am very grateful to see 2 lines on an HPT for the first time!  I cried instantly when my clinic called me two days ago to give me my beta hcg level.  I immediately told my husband "Babe, I finally passed the (blood)test! It's real! The sticks didn't lie to us!"  We went out for dinner, went home, and hugged each other for a very long time.
 
The thing is.....we are also scared. We don't want to get extremely excited because a lot of things could still happen.  He's not saying it but I can tell that he's anxious as I am about this whole process.  For now all we can do is to "wait and see" because things will unfold as they should.  I would like to feel more happiness and excitement though.  I would like to focus on the all the positive aspects of this experience but I am aware that the dark shadow of infertility will always haunt us.
 
Many years ago if you had asked me how I'll celebrate when I get a positive pregnancy test I would have come up with so many fun and exciting answers.  If you had asked me last year while we were getting failed cycles (after fertility procedures), I still would have been able to give you "a fun idea on how to celebrate a BFP."  However, infertility is an exhausting condition.  When we started IVF, we were so sucked in that we stopped thinking about the future.  We lived one day at a time and it is very difficult for somebody like me because I'm a planner.  We were terrified to fail because we seemed to have given it all.  Another failure, especially after an extremely invasive and expensive procedure, is not something that our marriage is prepared tackle with confidence.  When I got a positive HPT last week I just hugged my husband and he knew what that hug meant. No big celebration whatsoever.  We're just happy that we could at least get a positive test.
 
Infertility has really changed me and the way my husband and I look at things in terms of creating a family.  I think whether or not this pregnancy succeeds we will still walk out of this journey with emotional scars, important life lessons, and hopefully a stronger marriage. Oh wait, I forgot to mention the lines of credit and more bills to pay!
 
L
 

 
P. S.  
I forgot to mention that this journey has presented me with opportunities to connect with amazing individuals here who have continuously showered me with support and love. For that I am truly grateful. 
 

[ollie2013]

All i can say lumnay is that your feelings and emotions are 100% normal and natural...

 

 

try to continue to be positive and optimistic and just take it one day at a time

 

Sending thoughts and prayers your way XO

[amazing grace]

Lumnay, I understand your feelings and agree with Ollie. I know it is hard to get excited, I didn't either because I was so afraid. Try to enjoy your moment and things will happen as they should. I wish you only the best and hope that things will be smooth all the way to 9 months. I wish I had enjoyed the moment and if there is a next time for me, I promised myself that I would be happy, positive and in the moment from the first moment that I find out. I also promised myself that I would trust my pregnancy and my baby from the first moment. That I did not do as well and I wish it for you.

[north]

Oh Lumnay ~ I totally get where you are coming from. In this whole experience, I've often felt like I have a seatbelt on my heart even if there's something hopeful that comes. I really think it's a normal part of what's so complex in the whole experience: guarded optimism. 

All my best,

north

[Clairey]

Infertility robs people of many things. For those of us lucky enough to get a BFP, many of us are also robbed of security, confidence, and the joy that others feel when a BFP is easily attained. And for many of that many, it lasts until there is a baby in your arms.Then, there is also the guilt that the repercussions of infertility have become a part of you even though you may have promised yourself if you ever got that BFP, you'd be jumping off the ceilings and filled with the greatest happiness there could be. You traded part of yourself to get here and at least for me, that made the fear of loss feel more extreme or serious.

 

My advice is very similar to the above. Be cautiously joyful. This is a wondrous result that you have sacrificed everything for. Have faith in this miracle you before may never have dreamed could be. Take it day by day and relish in what's going on inside you, what you felt when you hugged your hubby for so long. What has happened is wonderful, and a hopeful and positive mindset will fuel you all along. Best wishes and congratulations!

[EverHopefull!]

I'm picking up what you're putting down Lumnay! We didn't celebrate until I was 7 months pregnant, the date that the baby could survive if he was born early. We didn't buy anything until I was 8 months pregnant because we were still worried we would jinx it. We were super happy but also super cautious. So I totally get it!

What helped me was to remember that it was out of my hands. You worked your a$$ off to get there, and not many people have the fortitude to go through what you have. All you need to do now is take care of yourself and get lots of rest. It will get easier when you start reaching milestones!

[ilovemydogs]

I totally understand and can empathize with you. As a member of the online infertility community you are privy to everyone's story from the beginning and are exposed to the good, bad and ugly stories. If you're not part of this world, you tend to see the good with limited exposure to the miscarriages, chemicals, expensive negatives. Because our eyes are open, it's more difficult to just sit back and relax. It's even harder knowing that if things don't work out, you can't just wait a few months, snap your fingers and get the two lines again for free. 

 

However, for every unhappy ending there are happily ever afters on here. I hope you are one of them!

[kristeen033]

I completely know the feeling. We pretty much held our breaths for the whole first trimester...and even know at 22 weeks I still worry almost everyday and think to myself I won't be done worrying until I am holding babies in my arms...but then we still worry. Congrats to you!!!

[SunshineTTC]

I think everyone here who has gone through years of struggles and disappointments totally gets what you're saying and feeling.  I've talked a lot to my mother about her 3 pregnancies, natural at ages 31, 35, 39, each one taking 4-5 months of "trying" (but not even such things as OPKs back then).  Literally the thought of miscarriage or anything going wrong never once crossed her mind in 3x 9 months. No one in her family had ever miscarried that she knew of, in fact she didn't know anyone at all in her life that had had any major problems or miscarriage. So it never once entered her thought process, she just assumed the instant she knew she was pregnant that it was 9 months good to go to a healthy baby.  It was completely new to her watching me and how scared I was after my BFP waiting for (unfortunately not good) ultrasound.  I think part of being on this infertility roller-coaster that we often don't acknowledge is that we lose out on that naïve care-free joyful feeling and "worry free" pregnancy that "the rest of the world" seems to have. In a way there's a process of mourning for that "normality" that needs to happen to accept our own very different reality.

[north]

That's so beautifully put, SunshineTTC. Well said. 

north

[Traveladdict]

First and foremost, congrats on the BFP Lumnay! The emotions you are experiencing are totally normal, unfortunate, but normal. I so wish I was feeling blissfully pregnant, but it's just not the case here either. I'm 15w3d and I still worry almost on a daily basis... Will the beta double? Will there be a heartbeat at the 6 week ultrasound? 6 weeks to 12 week NT scan was torture, will the baby be alive? Will the IPS be negative? Will the NIPT be negative? What about the 18 week scan? I think I will keep worrying until I have a live and healthy baby in my arms! My husband and I have barely talked about us finally expecting... It's like it's still too early to even talk about baby names, baby stuff, nursery; we're both holding our breaths. For the time being, I just try to remind myself that there is nothing I can do at this point to prevent a miscarriage. 

 

The journey has been a very isolating experience until now. We've dealt with out infertility and treatments mostly in private. Both families know it's taking forever, some colleagues and friends were made aware that we were moving onto IVF, but not given precise dates as I did not want to owe anybody any results. We told our 3 closest friends at the 12 week mark as this is such a big secret. We are planning on telling the families only after the 18 week scan as I feel like I can't allow myself to be truly excited about it yet... Also, my family has been rather insensitive about our fertility strugles and I can't help but hold a grudge against them, ugh I hate that I have to deal with these negative emotions. I know for a fact that my mom will be upset to find out so late, but that's how it's going to be. I also really feel for all the women who haven't gotten their BFPs yet, I feel guilty sometimes for finally being pregnant.

 

We had the in-laws over for a father's day brunch today as we were told my SIL had to go to a wedding shower. Turned out my SIL had to leave to go to a baby shower in the afternoon. She said her friend (whom I know) had finally gotten pregnant after her second IVF. Right away, I got thinking if my IVF had failed this news would have totally ruined father's day for years to come... How awful am I for thinking that way? She then explained that they had been trying for 12 years (!) and that included 2 fresh transfers and multiple frozen ones... Oh my! Let me tell you, that put everything into perspective at that very moment and it made me realize that we were very lucky all things considered. I'm a changed woman, there is no doubt abou that. Infertility has left me with some scars too and even though they will always be there, I hope they will fade over time and I will get my confidence, self esteem, joy of life and adventurous spirit back eventually.

 

My only advice to you is to take time to worry, as it's inevitable by now, but also take time for yourself. Focus on your hobbies, get out and enjoy the summer, go on dates with your husband...

[s00n]

Congrats on your BFP!! I am 24 weeks tomorrow, and I'm entirely feeling your feelings. Friends on this ride with us are excited.  We're not really. It's hard after the struggles.  We started TTC in 2008/09.

 

We did the HPT and my DH didn't believe me. We got a SUPER freaking high beta and I wondered what was wrong (we did elective single embryo transfer, so we figured it wasn't twins and we did NOT want twins.) We got a normal ultrasound and were still unconvinced.  Some bleeding and a subchorionic hemmorhage and I was sure it was done. More normal scans, still not convinced.

 

Recently I have finally switched to a midwife, actually thinking about the actual process of giving birth.

[Arbutus]

I am glad I came across this thread today.  I am 12w3d.  Over the past week or so I have been wondering about my lack of excitement about the pregnancy, especially since I am now at the end of the first trimester.  I was getting concerned that I may have attachment issues since I used DE.  After reading everyone's comments I feel much better about the lack of excitement about this pregnancy that I am experiencing.  It seems that for many, this is just another side effect of IF.  My GP described my outlook as still being in 'waiting to see if it is going to work out' mode.  A friend who has gone through IF has said she will be super excited for me until I am ready to catch up, then we can be excited together.

 

My first OB appointment is next week (I've been seeing my GP until I could get an appointment).  I'm waiting to see how I feel after that appointment to decide whether or not to begin telling some friends/family.  I'm starting to show so, ready or not, it won't be long before I need to share the news.

[Arbutus]

I had my OB appointment today.  The OB had difficulty locating the heartbeat so he brought out his u/s machine.   At 12w6d the image was no longer just a gray mass that only a doctor could interpret - it was very clearly a baby with its little legs kicking.  I got the shakes I was so overwhelmed with emotion.  Today it finally feels real.

 

Lumnay: I read your status update.  I am thinking of you and hoping for the best.

[sunshine09]

I am so glad I found this is thread. I am only 4 weeks and 4 days but this is the farthest I have got in this journey and I am so so terrified. It's relieving to see other women feeling the same. I am even worried about my worrying and that I won't be able to relax throughout my entire pregnancy.

[sunnyday2]

sunshine - fancy seeing you here. I didn't realize that we had actually had our transfers on the same day! 

 

To everybody else - I feel exactly the same way as everybody. This is SO scary! I would love to be more overjoyed about finally being pregnant.....but all I can do is worry. My clinic only does 2 betas and my first u/s is another 2.5 weeks away.....I think this wait will be longer than any tww ever was! 

[farmwife]

IF changes you. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse and sometimes for both. After the struggles we face we are guarded, and being on sites such as this exposes us to so many different scenarios, we become fully aware of the pain, heartache and hurt that can occur. Personally I'm a 'prepare for the worst and hope for the best' kind of person. My pregnancy was great, I was thankful for the opportunity everyday, I decided that there was nothing I could do and I didn't want to look back and say I wish I would have worried less and just enjoyed this beautiful gift more so I enjoyed it to the max. But it wasn't until our baby was placed in our arms that my DH and I let out a sigh of relief knowing that he was here and safe. And you know what those feeling don't leave all that easily. We are discussing TTC#2 my body says its ready, but honestly the fear of our cycle not working is what is holding me back, it's not something I'm ready to deal with. What if we just got lucky this one time? Our FET worked the first time but what if it doesn't again? Its a fear, one we can't control, just have to take things day by day. Enjoy the now.