Do not get me wrong. I am very grateful to see 2 lines on an HPT for the first time! I cried instantly when my clinic called me two days ago to give me my beta hcg level. I immediately told my husband "Babe, I finally passed the (blood)test! It's real! The sticks didn't lie to us!" We went out for dinner, went home, and hugged each other for a very long time.
The thing is.....we are also scared. We don't want to get extremely excited because a lot of things could still happen. He's not saying it but I can tell that he's anxious as I am about this whole process. For now all we can do is to "wait and see" because things will unfold as they should. I would like to feel more happiness and excitement though. I would like to focus on the all the positive aspects of this experience but I am aware that the dark shadow of infertility will always haunt us.
Many years ago if you had asked me how I'll celebrate when I get a positive pregnancy test I would have come up with so many fun and exciting answers. If you had asked me last year while we were getting failed cycles (after fertility procedures), I still would have been able to give you "a fun idea on how to celebrate a BFP." However, infertility is an exhausting condition. When we started IVF, we were so sucked in that we stopped thinking about the future. We lived one day at a time and it is very difficult for somebody like me because I'm a planner. We were terrified to fail because we seemed to have given it all. Another failure, especially after an extremely invasive and expensive procedure, is not something that our marriage is prepared tackle with confidence. When I got a positive HPT last week I just hugged my husband and he knew what that hug meant. No big celebration whatsoever. We're just happy that we could at least get a positive test.
Infertility has really changed me and the way my husband and I look at things in terms of creating a family. I think whether or not this pregnancy succeeds we will still walk out of this journey with emotional scars, important life lessons, and hopefully a stronger marriage. Oh wait, I forgot to mention the lines of credit and more bills to pay!
L

P. S.
I forgot to mention that this journey has presented me with opportunities to connect with amazing individuals here who have continuously showered me with support and love. For that I am truly grateful.