25 replies to this topic

[RickieLee]

Does anyone out there have a child conceived with your OE (naturally or through ART), and then they found out they couldn't have another and needed to use DE?  

 

I have no objections to donor eggs, and neither does my husband, but I have worries about my own emotions.  Many of you mamas who have used DE have said in these forums that even if you worried about how you would feel about a baby that was conceived with a donor egg, that once you were pregnant or once you held that baby in your arms, that you loved it like mad.  I haven't found a single person anywhere who didn't say something to that effect. 

 

But do any of you have an older child that you didn't need a donor egg for? 

 

I can appreciate how easy it is to love any baby, particularly one you carried and gave birth to and that is a piece of the man you love.  My worry is that if I have 1 OE baby and 1 DE baby, that I will feel differently about them.  Will I love my OE baby more?  Will I over-compensate and treat my DE baby better?

 

I have a friend who is adopted and her Mom gives her anything she wants just to compensate for her being adopted.  It's created a horrible family dynamic and she and her sister (who is not adopted) barely speak to each other.  In my selfish quest for babies, I am terrified of creating a situation where any child, OE or DE, feels less loved, or unfairly treated.  I think it would be the worst thing I could possibly do to have a baby that wasn't loved and treated equally with the daughter I already have. 

 

I feel like a horrible person, and I'm so sorry if anyone is offended.  Has anyone else wrestled with this?

 

 

[ociwoman]

I wouldn't worry about this. I have children conceived with my OE and am 38 weeks pregnant with a little girl conceived through DE. There are lots of women on this site who have secondary infertility and have gone the DE route...

Once you are pregnant, you will fall in love with your baby and the DE part becomes much less significant. In my own case, I have an intense curiosity about what my baby will look like, but I am not concerned that I will love her more or less than my other children. Why? Because I love her already.

Before you go further with the de process, perhaps you could see a counselor at your clinic?
S/he can help you think these issues through.

To reassure you even more, I can tell you that I have never come across a woman who had her own genetic children and donor conceived children, and loved them any differently.

Good luck!

[ladylazarus]

Not that I have any first hand experience here, but your concern speaks volumes about your level of awareness. No doubt you would manage your own emotions and any situations around fairness with great care if you decided to use DE.

 

That is a sad story about your friend. It sounds like her mother possibly had rules and standards of disciple but didn't apply them consistently even after it was probably pointed out to her (just my guess). And that does both her daughters a disservice. Keep in mind that can happen in families where the children are all completely related!

 

Best of luck growing your family!!

 

PS. You don't sounds selfish at all, you're just a mama who's not done yet.

[Curlygirl77]

I've been wondering some of the same things… We have an 11-month old son who was conceived with my own egg, and as I am now almost 38 and had DOR to begin with, I feel like our only shot at another child is with DE. I have had moments of feeling selfish as well, feeling like I was blessed with one despite my diagnosis, so why should I be so lucky as to have another? But at the same time, as ladylazarus mentioned, I just don't feel like my family is complete yet.  I work as a midwife and all I can do all day is marvel at all of the pregnant bellies that I see and wish it were me again!  The love for a baby is such a powerful thing.  I'm sure that someone as thoughtful as you will be sure to love all of your children equally :-)

[rollergirl]

Why would you treat any baby differently no matter how they arrived if they are yours? Biologically yes, that is there,...but DE...you still carried that baby and it is YOURS....

 

Get the notion out of your head how your friend is adopted and her story....STOP!! Make your own story and carry on from there....Be the mother that you want to be. 

 

You will hopefully not know the difference once you have your DE baby here....cause there should be no difference....best of luck.

 

RG

[LastTry]

Agree with rollergirl - why should I treat my DE kid differently only because he is from DE? He is mine, he is the member of our family. My kids do not see any problem that this baby will be from the DE. My daughter loves my belly and so excited about having baby brother... We are not going to set another "standard" or some special rules only because this baby is not from my egg... ANd I am excited to have this baby the same way I was excited to have my older kids.

[kristeen033]

I don't have any experience  with DE but my opinion for what it's worth is this. The egg is such a small part to start with and you are the one carrying and nurturing that baby until they are born. Your blood is coursing through their bodies and your body is the one feeding theirs before and after birth if you decide to nurse. That to me would make it more of your baby than the egg donors I don't think you would feel different after all of that. Good luck to you!

[RickieLee]

Thanks ladies!

 

My logical brain knows all this and I agree with everything you have all said.  I know this baby will be mine and I know I will love him/her.  I don't doubt any part of that or I wouldn't even consider using donor eggs.  I can't wait to hold this baby, and there isn't even a baby yet, just an idea of a baby. 

 

I'm also positive that when my friend's Mom was going through the adoption process that she wasn't planning to love or treat her adopted daughter differently either - yet she does.  I'm sure that she didn't knowingly set another "standard", or another set of special rules, I suspect it just happened that way without her realizing it. 

 

Thanks rollergirl for the advice to stop dwelling on someone else's life.  You're right, I should be the Mother I want to be and not worry about how and why my friend's Mom made her choices.  And thank you ociwoman and LastTry for sharing your experiences.  Clearly I am worrying for naught!

[JacMac]

My daughter is adopted and then we unexpectedly got pregnant. I hope I won't treat either of my children differently or that I'll love either of them less. In some ways I'm thankful they're so close in age so that my older daughter won't think that all the extra attention I'm giving to the new baby had anything to do with one being adopted and one being biological.

[Fuelgirl]

The simple fact you are questioning how you may feel/treat/discipline/love your future child from donor is proofe you will do well moving forward. It's those that never prepare, contemplate, or even consider there may be a difference in the love or treatment of any second child, those are the ones to worry for. You are wonderful parents and you will be adding a wonderful addition to your family, guilt free.
Good luck!

[Triscuit]

We have an OE son who is almost 3 and we are currently doing IVF cycles with donor eggs.  I am not pregnant yet, but hopefully will be soon.

 

When I look at my son, I don't love him because he is related to me genetically, I love him because of who he is.  I do have some fears that a second child won't be as incredibly awesome as he is, but I'm sure I'd have the same worry even if I was using my own eggs, and I'm pretty sure that most people have some level of that worry when they have a second child.

 

I think that since you are aware going in of the mistakes you want to avoid, then that makes a huge difference.  Also, you will likely love all your children the same but in different ways and for different reasons - they will all have their own things that make them unique and special, regardless of where the egg came from.

 

I have a read a blog where the poster took a long time to bond with her DE child and also still felt a lot of loss related to genetic connection, but she hadn't had a genetically related child. I personally don't feel a loss of fertility related to my genetics because I already have my son, I think it would be a lot harder for me to wonder if and what I was missing out on if I didn't already have him.

[sami99]

I know this is an old post but I read it back when I was pregnant and wondered the same about myself.  Would I love my OE child more than my DE child?  Would I feel differently because he/she wasn't my genetics?  I thought about this and felt even though I think I would love them both the same, would I favour my OE child just a bit more or not?  I felt in my heart that I probably would but I must never  show it or admit it.

 

Now that I have my DE child and he is almost 2 years old I can say without a doubt there is no difference in the way I love my 2 children and I do not favour either one over the other.  They are both my miracle babies and cherished so much.  Both my children adore each other as well which is so nice to see.  They have no jealously issues with each other (at least not yet) which I think must be due to the 8 year age gap - my older child so desperately wanted a sibling for years and had pretty much given up cause it was taking so long.  Almost 2 years later now he is still so in love with his little brother and excited to see him each day after school (and little one also gets hyper with joy when his older brother comes home from school )

 

The only thing I struggle with is eventually telling my younger one that he was conceived using a donor.  At this point I see no reason to disclose this although I may change my mind in the future.  We have told no one that we used donor eggs (besides on this site) and it was through an anonymous donor.  The only medical information I have regarding the donor is that there is diabetes/allergies on her mother's side (not herself) and this is also true for myself (on my mother's side but I don't have either).  I also share the same blood type as my donor.  So honestly I don't see the purpose right now for disclosing this information to him.  He is still quite young though so I may re-evaluate that decision at some point.

 

Anyways - this is just my 2 bits for anyone that has an OE child and is looking to expand their family the DE route.

[returnable]

sami99 thanks for sharing this. Although we will never have an OE child, we are moving forward with the DE route. Although I know I will love this child (if we are successful), I do have lots of questions/concerns going through my mind. How did you handle when your DE was born and people commented on his appearance or manner (as he gets older). Although the major component for me is to be a biological parent, I am sentimental and wonder how much/if I will miss my child not being genetically linked. There are lots of things in terms of personality and mannerism that are genetically inherited. I witnessed this with one of my cousins that my family hadn't seen since he was a toddler, yet the first time I saw him after that he was 12 and had so many of my dad's mannerisms. I know even OE children sometimes do not resemble their parents in the way they look or act, but I am wondering with your perspective what has been your experience?

[Kayte]

My heart lifted to see this thread. This is exactly where I'm at. Well, not quite. Still awaiting the often-delayed donor cycle to begin, and hoping but not expecting it could actually work. (After 8 years of IF, it's hard to feel confident or make any assumptions!)

 

We have done 6 fresh IVF cycles and I can't truthfully remember how many FETs. We feel very lucky that out of all these cycles, we were able to find one golden egg and get to be her parent. Clearly to provide her a sibling, we need to use DEs, and I fully embrace that next step. I do feel lucky to be a parent, and I also now desire a child more than for myself - but for my daughter. So I fit in more with the mindset of the original posts in this thread, than people who are wrapping their brain around this route and not yet being parents - I fully acknowledge that is a different journey of the mind and heart.

 

I do have a big curiosity about what the child would look like, but I know that just as if a beautiful newborn baby appeared in a bassinette on my doorstep tomorrow and I was asked to be his/her mother... I would adore that child and find him/her perfect, despite the curiosity. So far, my OE child has none of my talents or interests, nor my hubbys, and except for having our complexion isn't a dead ringer for either of us. It is amazing to see what she is evolving into, and whatever she looks like or wants to do with her life, we will be right behind her. So realizing this as well was good to reflect on for giving up a genetic link. Wouldn't it be funny if my DE child was more similar to me than my OE child? This really put it into perspective for me, what it's all about. Loving a human, having a family.

 

Also, when we did our counselling session, it was interesting to think on the idea that YOU are the biological mother, not the donor. The donor did not give the child life - she donated cells. YOU make the life possible, nurture it, grow it, birth it... your child is a part of you, always.

 

Back to the original question... and for anyone else currently in these shoes... did you feel fear that it wouldn't work? That you were visualizing the sibling for your child but realize if this path doesn't work, the journey to a sibling is over? (Unless you are open to going the adoption route, those waits and risks - for us at this point, I don't think we are.) We feel so lucky to have our daughter, while still mourning other losses and what could have been. She is very confused, as her cousins have all "gotten one or two babies" while we have tried our darndest to provide a sibling. For her last two birthdays, she has asked for a baby brother or sister. One of those times, we had just secretly buried one. This is why I feel fortunate for the option of a donor egg pregnancy, but also fearful if it weren't to work. I do have hope and have no further attachment or hope in my own eggs, which feels healthy. But I guess I just want it so much, because she does, and of course, my own initial dream of a big family.

[quandry]

I know this is an old post but I read it back when I was pregnant and wondered the same about myself.  Would I love my OE child more than my DE child?  Would I feel differently because he/she wasn't my genetics?  I thought about this and felt even though I think I would love them both the same, would I favour my OE child just a bit more or not?  I felt in my heart that I probably would but I must never  show it or admit it.
 
Now that I have my DE child and he is almost 2 years old I can say without a doubt there is no difference in the way I love my 2 children and I do not favour either one over the other.  They are both my miracle babies and cherished so much.  Both my children adore each other as well which is so nice to see.  They have no jealously issues with each other (at least not yet) which I think must be due to the 8 year age gap - my older child so desperately wanted a sibling for years and had pretty much given up cause it was taking so long.  Almost 2 years later now he is still so in love with his little brother and excited to see him each day after school (and little one also gets hyper with joy when his older brother comes home from school )
 
The only thing I struggle with is eventually telling my younger one that he was conceived using a donor.  At this point I see no reason to disclose this although I may change my mind in the future.  We have told no one that we used donor eggs (besides on this site) and it was through an anonymous donor.  The only medical information I have regarding the donor is that there is diabetes/allergies on her mother's side (not herself) and this is also true for myself (on my mother's side but I don't have either).  I also share the same blood type as my donor.  So honestly I don't see the purpose right now for disclosing this information to him.  He is still quite young though so I may re-evaluate that decision at some point.
 
Anyways - this is just my 2 bits for anyone that has an OE child and is looking to expand their family the DE route.

Sami - I feel exactly the same. My de child is as loved as my oe children. And I can't imagine loving him any more.

We also have told no one real life that he was de conceived. We have the same blood type, he looks like me, and I doubt we will ever tell anyone how he was conceived.

[north]

sami99 thanks for sharing this. Although we will never have an OE child, we are moving forward with the DE route. Although I know I will love this child (if we are successful), I do have lots of questions/concerns going through my mind. How did you handle when your DE was born and people commented on his appearance or manner (as he gets older). Although the major component for me is to be a biological parent, I am sentimental and wonder how much/if I will miss my child not being genetically linked. There are lots of things in terms of personality and mannerism that are genetically inherited. I witnessed this with one of my cousins that my family hadn't seen since he was a toddler, yet the first time I saw him after that he was 12 and had so many of my dad's mannerisms. I know even OE children sometimes do not resemble their parents in the way they look or act, but I am wondering with your perspective what has been your experience?

 

Fun thread and for sure...it's a leap of faith, I think, going the donor route.

But my experience (my son is conceived via DE and DS) ~ his heart and his soul TOTALLY FITS with my partner and I. Like we couldn't have found a better match in terms of personality. Most people say he looks like me and when I show them my baby picture, he does! But he also looks a lot like my mom and dad as babies....and that's how you get around those questions, if people ask or say anything. He looks more like a grandparent or some person (i.e. my partner's sister) that they haven't met. I have a niece (my brother's kiddo) who totally looks like her grandma and not like my brother or sister-in-law!!!! (my sis-in-law's mom)

north

[north]

My heart lifted to see this thread. This is exactly where I'm at. Well, not quite. Still awaiting the often-delayed donor cycle to begin, and hoping but not expecting it could actually work. (After 8 years of IF, it's hard to feel confident or make any assumptions!)

 

We have done 6 fresh IVF cycles and I can't truthfully remember how many FETs. We feel very lucky that out of all these cycles, we were able to find one golden egg and get to be her parent. Clearly to provide her a sibling, we need to use DEs, and I fully embrace that next step. I do feel lucky to be a parent, and I also now desire a child more than for myself - but for my daughter. So I fit in more with the mindset of the original posts in this thread, than people who are wrapping their brain around this route and not yet being parents - I fully acknowledge that is a different journey of the mind and heart.

 

I do have a big curiosity about what the child would look like, but I know that just as if a beautiful newborn baby appeared in a bassinette on my doorstep tomorrow and I was asked to be his/her mother... I would adore that child and find him/her perfect, despite the curiosity. So far, my OE child has none of my talents or interests, nor my hubbys, and except for having our complexion isn't a dead ringer for either of us. It is amazing to see what she is evolving into, and whatever she looks like or wants to do with her life, we will be right behind her. So realizing this as well was good to reflect on for giving up a genetic link. Wouldn't it be funny if my DE child was more similar to me than my OE child? This really put it into perspective for me, what it's all about. Loving a human, having a family.

 

Also, when we did our counselling session, it was interesting to think on the idea that YOU are the biological mother, not the donor. The donor did not give the child life - she donated cells. YOU make the life possible, nurture it, grow it, birth it... your child is a part of you, always.

 

Back to the original question... and for anyone else currently in these shoes... did you feel fear that it wouldn't work? That you were visualizing the sibling for your child but realize if this path doesn't work, the journey to a sibling is over? (Unless you are open to going the adoption route, those waits and risks - for us at this point, I don't think we are.) We feel so lucky to have our daughter, while still mourning other losses and what could have been. She is very confused, as her cousins have all "gotten one or two babies" while we have tried our darndest to provide a sibling. For her last two birthdays, she has asked for a baby brother or sister. One of those times, we had just secretly buried one. This is why I feel fortunate for the option of a donor egg pregnancy, but also fearful if it weren't to work. I do have hope and have no further attachment or hope in my own eggs, which feels healthy. But I guess I just want it so much, because she does, and of course, my own initial dream of a big family.

Beautiful, Kayte.

I love what you wrote.

Thought I'd add some thoughts to this thread.

Donor-assisted IVF is an amazing gift we have available to us.

And like everyone who has suffered a loss to finally arrive at the child they have...you will never be happy for the losses you suffered but you will never be able to imagine your life without the child you actually have. You may still remember your losses and you may still feel them but it may change in time. It did for me. The losses leave you with an injury that has a particular shape. It is the shape of the absence of what you thought you wanted so deeply for your life. And then your child comes via a totally different means than you expected and the shape of that old injury softens it's edges because it has made possible THIS child....THIS CHILD you love more than you could imagine. My love for my son is deeper and wider and my heart is forever changed by my previous losses in a way that has made possible a broader, wider, deeper, and more whole love than I've ever experienced with another person in my entire life.

There's magic in these woods...there are deep gifts. If you are willing and if you choose.

north

[EverHopefull!]

[Kayte]

North, thank you so much for that... your words were just what I needed to hear and resonated with my soul.

 

I also feel that should another baby come into our lives, just as when the first did, we would be overcome with such gratitude, humility and reflection, but even more so due to the journey since. And that would make a child loved so automatically and completely... can't even imagine the blessing it would be as it would be similar yet different to when we were able to have our first.

 

I too wonder about telling a potential DE child... we do agree with being open with the child about this, but I too wonder about this information vs. it not being a part of his/her sibling's story, as well as that I don't really feel I would want to tell our families, especially right away. And that could be weird later on, if the child knows but not our families and is talking? I don't feel it's anyone's business but our own, and I also have not appreciated how our infertility and our first child's history became information we were not in control of, when our family knew. As other people have said, with babies conceived naturally we don't know what position their parents were in when they did it, or such info, why should private and often painful medical info be public knowledge? Especially when it comes to something as ill-understood as donor egg pregnancies and families, and potentially harmful in the future for the child based on what others do with the info, I am uncomfortable with not keeping private info. to ourselves. And finally because I'm still kinda mad about the insensitivity and lack of support our families have shown through the years.... why SHOULD they get to know this after all that?

 

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, but balancing all of this stuff in consideration of what the counsellor, lawyer and research in general says about being open with the child before it becomes a shocker later on in life, or learning they have half-siblings that we have information for, or hearing the donor later in life has become ill with such-and-such and it concerns our own child's health, and so on, it's all something to tread carefully with.

[EverHopefull!]

I'm struggling with the telling as well.  When we started our DE cycle we planed to be open about it, it would just be a part of our day to day story.  Simple.  But now that I'm 24 weeks pregnant with that DE baby I find that it's not so simple.  Do I have to actively look for or create opportunities to talk about it with my kids?  Do I wait for those opportunities to present themselves?  And what if that never happens?  What if the subject doesn't come up until my DE baby is 10, and then all of a sudden I'm telling him something shocking?  And yet it feels weird to manufacture opportunities.  It's easy to say that we want to be open about it, but it's harder to sort out what that actually looks like. 

 

We also have one horrible family member who, when he's mad (which is often), will say anything to hurt anybody.  Even my 5 year old, who doesn't understand why grampa is mean to him.  We don't want him to have this information because however it gets talked about we don't want it to be done in a hurtful way.  And I can almost guarantee it would be if this family member knew.  But he's old and in poor health so we just thought we'd wait until he was gone before we told.  But what if that doesn't happen until my DE baby is 10, and I'm back in that same position of having to tell him something shocking?  I don't want to tell my DE babe early and then ask him to keep it a secret, because having to keep it a secret makes it feel like something shameful and it isn't. 

 

So is it all or nothing?  I don't know.  It seemed so simple on at the beginning, but it isn't. 

[returnable]

I'm struggling with the telling as well.  When we started our DE cycle we planed to be open about it, it would just be a part of our day to day story.  Simple.  But now that I'm 24 weeks pregnant with that DE baby I find that it's not so simple.  Do I have to actively look for or create opportunities to talk about it with my kids?  Do I wait for those opportunities to present themselves?  And what if that never happens?  What if the subject doesn't come up until my DE baby is 10, and then all of a sudden I'm telling him something shocking?  And yet it feels weird to manufacture opportunities.  It's easy to say that we want to be open about it, but it's harder to sort out what that actually looks like. 

 

We also have one horrible family member who, when he's mad (which is often), will say anything to hurt anybody.  Even my 5 year old, who doesn't understand why grampa is mean to him.  We don't want him to have this information because however it gets talked about we don't want it to be done in a hurtful way.  And I can almost guarantee it would be if this family member knew.  But he's old and in poor health so we just thought we'd wait until he was gone before we told.  But what if that doesn't happen until my DE baby is 10, and I'm back in that same position of having to tell him something shocking?  I don't want to tell my DE babe early and then ask him to keep it a secret, because having to keep it a secret makes it feel like something shameful and it isn't. 

 

So is it all or nothing?  I don't know.  It seemed so simple on at the beginning, but it isn't. 

 

We are talking through the same issues as well. We had our "mandatory" counselling appointment on Sunday and the counsellor suggested letting the conversation come about naturally from the child. She said to expect between the ages of 4-7 for the first question to come as to "where did I come from". She explained to us that at first kids don't need a lot of detail and suggested for that age group to start with that to make a baby you need a seed from mom and a seed from dad, you put it together and that makes a baby (I don't exactly remember the wording). So for this case she suggested to say that mommies seed wasn't good so she borrowed a seed from someone else. Then you increase the detail to the child's development as you go along. She was going to send me links to some resources, but I am still waiting.

 

Sorry for crashing this thread again as I know this issue was specifically the DE/OE, but I have also been pondering this topic of DE a lot. I was thinking of starting another thread, but this got revived at the right time.

[EverHopefull!]

 

We are talking through the same issues as well. We had our "mandatory" counselling appointment on Sunday and the counsellor suggested letting the conversation come about naturally from the child. She said to expect between the ages of 4-7 for the first question to come as to "where did I come from". She explained to us that at first kids don't need a lot of detail and suggested for that age group to start with that to make a baby you need a seed from mom and a seed from dad, you put it together and that makes a baby (I don't exactly remember the wording). So for this case she suggested to say that mommies seed wasn't good so she borrowed a seed from someone else. Then you increase the detail to the child's development as you go along. She was going to send me links to some resources, but I am still waiting.

 

Sorry for crashing this thread again as I know this issue was specifically the DE/OE, but I have also been pondering this topic of DE a lot. I was thinking of starting another thread, but this got revived at the right time.

 

 

That's how we thought it would go too, and that seems so simple.  But we have an almost 6 year old who has shown no signs of wondering where he came from, so it got me wondering what I would say/do if they never ask.  It's silly to fret about it now because I have no idea what will happen, it's just been on my mind. 

 

If/when your counselor sends you those resources, would you mind sharing them? 

[returnable]

I am sure in time he will ask where he came from. Some kids just take time to start wondering about that. Perhaps now that another baby is coming, his mind will turn that way?

 

Of course I will share what I can. So far I have found these:

 

(1) book: Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation by Ellen Sarasohn Glazer and Evelina Weidman Sterling, published by Jessica Kingsley Publishing (2013)

 

(2) http://www.dcnetwork.org/letter-rachel

[quandry]

Ok. I just have to say - I have two older children and not once growing up did they ever say "where did I come from?" Ever. It's not always a question that will happen.

We are not telling for the same reason. Because of family members. I am already a pariah in dhs family, ds is already not as included. I can't imagine what would happen if they found out. It would be a sh!t show for sure.

[EverHopefull!]

Exactly!  And if they never ask or the subject never comes up, then it's awkward to make it happen.  Or you end up with that d-day where you sit them down and tell them and it's a big shock.  I'll just have to go with the flow I guess.