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My dream has ended


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#1 Muminwaiting

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Posted 20 April 2015 - 09:45 PM

I am in total shock. My husband is leaving me because he wants a baby NOW. He doesn't want to keep spending money trying to have a baby and getting too old in the process. I love him so much and have failed him. We've been married 10 years this September. He was never much of a communicator and has told me it has bothered him for years and that was the reason he was often very distant from me. I have begged him to stay. Said I would do anything. I have done everything for him including sponsoring him and his family to Canada. I never thought he could live without me. He says it pains him to tell me that and do that to me but he wants to be happy. He says he loves me and will miss me and will always be there for me. This makes no sense. I've only known about my infertility for maybe 3 years. I was getting ready for my next IVF. I can't picture my life without him. Can anyone make sense of this one give me ways to cope?
Me 40 DH 37 July 2012 HSG test showed blocked tubesSept 16/13 Consult at CReATe with Dr. Librach who will make me a Mummy in 2014Sept 16/13 Bloodwork and AMH test (A little low)Oct 15/13: Hysterscopy 2 polyps removed and 2 coils insertedIVF #1Nov 4th: CD2 start BCPNov 11th: Start Lupron injectionsNov 27: Start Gonal F and RepronexDec 12: ER Estrace and Progesterone suppositoriesDec 15: ET 3 survived the process (including ICSI) Transferred 2. 1 frozenPregnancy test December 29th: BFNFET #1Start Estrace againJan 8/14: IV IntralipidsFET: Jan 16Beta test results Feb 1st: BFFN February 2014 fibroid removed

#2 forever_u28

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Posted 20 April 2015 - 10:05 PM

Muminwaiting - I'm very sorry you are going through this. Going through infertility can bring out the good and the bad of people - I'm sure most if not all (me for sure) have had our ups and downs, we laughed, we cried, we angered, we pained. It can pull couples together and tear them apart.

 

My RE let us know early on during our first orientation that infertility and IVF is going to be difficult , physically and emotionally. She suggested that if we had any problems, counselling would be offered to us by the clinic. Have you and your husband considered counseilling?


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#3 ladylazarus

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Posted 20 April 2015 - 10:20 PM

Wow Muminwaiting, that is really shocking. I am so so sorry this is happening to you. Infertility can rip couples apart and non-communication allows feelings to fester. I hope your husband is being completely genuine with you about his reasons for leaving. Laying it all on the feet of infertility doesn't make sense to me, I guess, and more than a little unfair to you. That's just my take at first glance; you would know best. It sounds like if the issue were male factor, you'd jump over the moon to make him a father because you love him so much, which is why this is probably as mind boggling as it is to you.

 

Wishing you much strength as you work through the disbelief and shock. I know there are some really strong ladies here who have had relationships fall to pieces in the midst of treatment. Please keep us posted so we can give you more support. My heart goes out to you, Mum.


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#4 Muminwaiting

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Posted 20 April 2015 - 10:28 PM

He has taken away every chance for me to ever be a Mum.
Me 40 DH 37 July 2012 HSG test showed blocked tubesSept 16/13 Consult at CReATe with Dr. Librach who will make me a Mummy in 2014Sept 16/13 Bloodwork and AMH test (A little low)Oct 15/13: Hysterscopy 2 polyps removed and 2 coils insertedIVF #1Nov 4th: CD2 start BCPNov 11th: Start Lupron injectionsNov 27: Start Gonal F and RepronexDec 12: ER Estrace and Progesterone suppositoriesDec 15: ET 3 survived the process (including ICSI) Transferred 2. 1 frozenPregnancy test December 29th: BFNFET #1Start Estrace againJan 8/14: IV IntralipidsFET: Jan 16Beta test results Feb 1st: BFFN February 2014 fibroid removed

#5 ladylazarus

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Posted 20 April 2015 - 10:36 PM

((HUG)) It really is so unfair...


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#6 north

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Posted 20 April 2015 - 11:45 PM

I am in total shock. My husband is leaving me because he wants a baby NOW. He doesn't want to keep spending money trying to have a baby and getting too old in the process. I love him so much and have failed him. We've been married 10 years this September. He was never much of a communicator and has told me it has bothered him for years and that was the reason he was often very distant from me. I have begged him to stay. Said I would do anything. I have done everything for him including sponsoring him and his family to Canada. I never thought he could live without me. He says it pains him to tell me that and do that to me but he wants to be happy. He says he loves me and will miss me and will always be there for me. This makes no sense. I've only known about my infertility for maybe 3 years. I was getting ready for my next IVF. I can't picture my life without him. Can anyone make sense of this one give me ways to cope?

Muminwaiting,

I'm very sorry this is happening right now. How horrible. YOU have not failed him. You are dealing with infertility. 

His response to you sounds very hurtful. 

While it might be hard to think about, I don't think that your dream has to be over. It might be hard and different than you'd dreamed or hoped but you still have options and you can do this on your own if you choose to. 

You're right. It doesn't make much sense. I know there are others on here whose relationships have come apart in the infertility experience. And there are women on here who have continued on with their dream on their own. 

north


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#7 rollergirl

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 12:06 AM

You have not failed him...he has failed you...by not communicating with you over the years and dropping everything into your lap like this...no words of what to say as I am sorry that you are going through this.....hopefully a resolution can be made whatever that maybe.

 

All of the best.


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#8 RoomWithoutARoof

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 12:11 AM

I'm so sorry Muminwaiting. That is terrible, and very cowardly of your husband to break up this way. The failure in your relationship can't be blamed on you, and you should never take it that way. <HUGS> Life is so unfair . . .


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#9 Highest hopes

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 12:25 AM

Does he know about other options such as donor eggs? (if you were ok with that).
I also agree that you can move forward either on your own or with a new partner. And this might be better in the long run as I am not sure if he sounds like a kind person. Sorry, just saying. At least he should be open to other options. Especially if they are options where he could still use his own sperm.
I'm so sorry you're going through this - how terrible. I'm glad you can come here for some support and understanding.
Don't lose hope - this too shall pass.
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#10 Highest hopes

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 12:27 AM

By the way, if he wants a baby now, how is he thinking he would do that -- on his own? I don't understand his logic.
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#11 Taylor73

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 02:49 AM

So sorry love. I can't believe how shallow he is being and to just walk out after ten years?? Dealing with infertility is tough for us all. And unfortunately it causes us so much stress, financial woes and heartache along the way. I have just miscarried my 6 week baby yesterday. I am shattered too! Although I have a loving husband I feel I am going through this process somewhat alone. I have not told a sole only venting my grief on these support groups, which I am so grateful for. Anyway, i hope things work out for the best. You deserve the best so please don't accept anything less!
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#12 gibasgirl

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 03:01 AM

Mum,

I am very sorry this is happening to you. I have been rooting for you since you joined and my heart aches for you.

You are not alone.

Infertility can be a destructive force on its' own and with the overlay of blame it is even more hurtful.

Your husband is not being fair to you, your marriage, or the life you were trying to build together.

It is a very traditionalist position that he has taken by blaming you. Infertility is a medical condition that affects a couple as a unit. This reminds me of the stance Henry VIII took in his pursuit of a male heir: blaming the women.

A loving man, an honest man, an ethical man would not treat you this way. I think there is more to the story than he is telling you. A person can only have a baby "now" if they have made prior arrangements with a willing participant.

I think it is not uncommon for us to think about 'setting our partners free' to pursue parenthood with someone else in the midst of infertility, but it's usually a dialogue (or a thought that we turn over in our heads).

It hurts now. There is confusion now. There is devastation, but in the wake of these broken pieces is freedom.

You may not be able to see it now because it is early and you have to process this, but your freedom awaits.

There are other options when you are ready for them.

Who is to say that he would not find something else to blame you for and be unsupportive about?

If counselling is something that you are open to, then it is well worth it to spend some time with a therapist who specialises in the unique challenges faced by people dealing with infertility. If your husband is willing to join you it could be beneficial for both of you, but I get the sense that he made a unilateral decision.

For now be good to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Know that you are a wonderful person deserving of love. You are a gem. You are deserving of the best this world has to give and a bright future awaits you.

We are here for you.

(((HUG)))


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#13 Lola1973

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 07:17 AM

Mum,

I am so sorry to read this. It must be very difficult for you right now. You have all my empathy.

I agree with what the other ladies said like going to counselling if you and your husband want to but also that you will still have options even if this relationship is really over.

I especially agree that you shouldn't blame yourself for this. Although it is very tough, the infertility alone didn't cause this. Otherwise every infertile couple would break up.... It sounds like the lack of communication (him letting you know how he felt) or his own ability to face adversity are also important factors here.

I have been through a difficult separation in the past (nothing to do with IF) and my advice to you would be to treat yourself like you would treat a very good friend. As Gibasgirl said: " Be good to yourself". You may feel like staying on your sofa and cry, but after some of this, go do something nice like buy a fancy coffee or tea. Go have your hair done. Buy your favourite food. See a girlfriend. And most importantly, remember to just hold on because you are in a low right now but it will get better.

Giving you a big hug:)
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Ttc first child for both of us since February 2012

Surgery and diagnosis of severe endometriosis Nov. 2012

IVF#1 April 2013: BFP8388.gif 9 weeks

IVF#2 Sept 2013: BFP8388.gif 9,5 weeks

Clinic 2:

IVF#3 May 2014: Embryo banking: 4 blasts

IVF#4 July 2014: Embryo banking: 3 blasts

PGS Result August 2014: All 7 blasts are abnormal... Moving on to DE.

Clinic 3:

Transfer #1 Feb. 2015: BFN

Transfer #2 June 2015: BFN

Transfer #3 Sept 2015: th_abfp.gifon hpt Sept 24!!!!

1st beta 12dp3dt: 421 2nd beta 14dp3dt:1025 Viability US (6w6d): One perfect baby measuring 7.0 weeks with HB of 130!!yahoo.gif

8- week US: Cutest little gummy bear measuring 8w1d

Harmony test 10weeks: Risk of trisomy 13, 18 and 21 under 1 in 10,000
20-week US: Baby girl right on track!

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers


#14 Meary

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 09:26 AM

I have no words or advice, I just wanted to offer my condolences to you over this unbelievably painful and shocking revelation.  I'm so so sorry for what he has put you through. 


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#15 carmleo

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 09:40 AM

Dear Muminwaiting,

 

I am SO sorry to hear what your are going through.  I just wanted to let you know that you haven't failed him.  You have been doing everything possible to have a child and unfortunately, the outcome is not in your control. I know that it must be hard to think about right now, but your dream hasn't ended, you can always keep going with treatments and have a child on your own or with someone else.  Don't ever lose hope, it will happen for you one day.  Sending hugs and support your way.  


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#16 autumnmarie

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 09:42 AM

MIW, I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I truly agree with the other posters that this is not your fault and to be gentle with yourself. Hugs and sympathy, so sorry you're having to go through this.


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#17 Clairey

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 10:34 AM

Dealing with the grief of infertility and then the trauma of him leaving you and blaming you for it? This is horrific. If I lived anywhere close to this guy I would give him a piece of my mind. Please go see your family doctor. If you can't afford or don't have coverage for counselling, they can refer you and get you in someplace. There should also be a clinic funded by the gov't that has walk-in appts throughout at least one day a week. Sometimes these are at the hospital and sometimes they're elsewhere.

 

Take care of YOURSELF right now. Put one foot in front of the next in order to get yourself care and support. GG is right; infertility is an issue you as a couple are facing, not a failure of an individual. And if this guy is hoping to meet any woman in general who will have his baby sooner rather than later, that is not healthy or the type of love and care any partner deserves.

 

Please update us and tell us how we can support you. And please talk to someone now. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you - life has presented you these upsetting scenarios and that is separate from you as a person and your value - there is no shame and only responsibility in having people educated to help with life crisis help direct you and walk through it with you.  xoxo


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#18 Muminwaiting

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 09:05 PM

Ladies you are all so supportive. Thank you for being there for me. I wish I would hear from someone who's been through this though. I have tried to look for answers on the Internet but they are few and far between thank God. Anyway no changes as of yet. I know he loves me because he comes to bed at night and still snuggles with me but still wants to leave. Every day is heart wrenching and I look like Rudolph from crying too much. I just wish he would listen to reason. It's so hard to flush 10 years of marriage down the drain. We were supposed to be planning our anniversary trip away. God I hate this shit!
Me 40 DH 37 July 2012 HSG test showed blocked tubesSept 16/13 Consult at CReATe with Dr. Librach who will make me a Mummy in 2014Sept 16/13 Bloodwork and AMH test (A little low)Oct 15/13: Hysterscopy 2 polyps removed and 2 coils insertedIVF #1Nov 4th: CD2 start BCPNov 11th: Start Lupron injectionsNov 27: Start Gonal F and RepronexDec 12: ER Estrace and Progesterone suppositoriesDec 15: ET 3 survived the process (including ICSI) Transferred 2. 1 frozenPregnancy test December 29th: BFNFET #1Start Estrace againJan 8/14: IV IntralipidsFET: Jan 16Beta test results Feb 1st: BFFN February 2014 fibroid removed

#19 chiara

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Posted 22 April 2015 - 03:09 AM

Why does he give you physical affection if he wants to leave? That's just cruel. I am so sorry that you are going through this but, sadly, it's yet another potential side effect of infertility. All of the ladies have given you excellent advice and, as you can see, lots of support. Here is another angle: take your power back. You seem to be at his whim in terms of leaving you. Why not be in the driver's seat and tell him to leave now if that's what he truly wants? This sounds scary and awful but you can't move in any direction, whether it's healing on your own or mending your relationship with him, while he is sending you mixed messages. Girl, he can't take away your power to make your own decisions! In the past, when faced with a bastardly male, I adopted the "if anyone's gotta cry, then better you than me, buddy" attitude and lemme tell you it works. Even if you separate now, it may be temporary but the ground rules for a reconciliation need to be clear and acceptable to both of you. As I said, a different angle - meaning to help you and sending you big hugs.


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#20 gibasgirl

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Posted 22 April 2015 - 10:11 AM

Ladies you are all so supportive. Thank you for being there for me. I wish I would hear from someone who's been through this though. I have tried to look for answers on the Internet but they are few and far between thank God. Anyway no changes as of yet. I know he loves me because he comes to bed at night and still snuggles with me but still wants to leave. Every day is heart wrenching and I look like Rudolph from crying too much. I just wish he would listen to reason. It's so hard to flush 10 years of marriage down the drain. We were supposed to be planning our anniversary trip away. God I hate this shit!

 

A snuggle can be a promise, or deception. It gives power to the person who wants their cake and eat it too, while the other person hangs onto the hope that the promise hints at.

 

Chiara is right; take a hold of your power and know that it's ok not to accept treatment that is not fair to you, that does not acknowledge the priceless gem that you are, because you are worth more than gold.

 

There are others who have been in a similar predicament.

 

KO19 used to be active here and wrote about her struggles as her marriage suffered through infertility and her husband's infidelity.

 

https://ivf.ca/forums...ic/#entry325091

 

Her blog is called Marrying Jerry Maguire. 

 

Another member, Cheddar, went though something similar: 

https://ivf.ca/forums...do/#entry483662

 

 

A member, Papoose, went through struggles too. https://ivf.ca/forums...ast-blog-entry/

 

A few others come to mind, but the names escape me at the moment. 


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#21 ladylazarus

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Posted 22 April 2015 - 12:50 PM

Just to re-affirm, it's OK to have all those conflicting emotions swirling around but it's also OK to swap our your sad, grieving face for your angry, hurt face and demand some real answers. If you swap out the word 'commitment' for 'love', I think you'll see what I mean. Whether or not he still loves you is not even at issue anymore, it's whether he is committed to you and your relationship together, in a healthy way.

 

You have every right to ask what his plan is, since he is still legally married to you and his actions do impact your life. So far, from what you have told us, he is willing to swap trade the risk of spending money on IVF in a continuing investment in your 10 year relationship for an entirely different risk of immediately seeking out a new partner who may or may not be seriously dysfunctional or may or may not be fertile, in order to have a baby *NOW*. Vetting out & cultivating a new relationship with love and respect takes time and lots of it (and probably even some money - people usually spend money on new relationships) - good stable partners are not always easy to find, so whatever his 'plan' is sounds like a train wreck (at least from where I'm sitting). Unless your RE has just dropped a bombshell on you that your chances are slim to none for some solid reason, then there is actually still hope to achieve a viable pregnancy at 40. Especially since you are so far into the process. And divorcing you will actually cost him money, I would hope. Unless he's thinking that everything is going to magically fall into place for him, he's actually taking a huge risk by leaving. Why would he do that?

 

You have every right - every right - to sit him down and ask for some straight answers to your questions and clear up the confusion that is going on here. You deserve it. I vehemently agree with all the opinions above regarding your situation. Your time & happiness are just a precious as your husband believes his to be.
 


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#22 Lola1973

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Posted 23 April 2015 - 12:24 PM

Mum,

I agree with Ladylazarus that you are allowed to get answers.

I also deeply agree with Chiara when she says take your power. Read carefully. This is what I regret MOST from the separation I lived a few years ago: that it took me so long to take MY power. The man I was with acted in a similar way to your husband now: he kept saying it was over but didn't do anything about it. I was a wreck and kept hoping he would change his mind... Please don't accept this. Either ask him to leave or leave yourself (either of you could stay with a friend or family member for a few days). It's hard to do but it's important. It will make both you move to a different step. The truth is by doing this, you will feel more in control of your life. He is also likely to be surprised by your move and that may (or may not) be enough to make him realize what life will really be like without you. And that you have value. And that YOU know you have value. A few days later, you can have a good conversation. If it helps you make the move because you just feel so sad and desperate, focus on how angry you are about what he is doing...

See when I look back, I don't miss my ex. I think we weren't good for each other at all. But I really regret I didn't take better care of myself. I treated myself like I had no value outside of my relationship. That is absolutely NOT true. It wasn't for me and it isn't for you:)

We're here for you, Mum. We know you are a valuable woman. Hold your head up high.
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Ttc first child for both of us since February 2012

Surgery and diagnosis of severe endometriosis Nov. 2012

IVF#1 April 2013: BFP8388.gif 9 weeks

IVF#2 Sept 2013: BFP8388.gif 9,5 weeks

Clinic 2:

IVF#3 May 2014: Embryo banking: 4 blasts

IVF#4 July 2014: Embryo banking: 3 blasts

PGS Result August 2014: All 7 blasts are abnormal... Moving on to DE.

Clinic 3:

Transfer #1 Feb. 2015: BFN

Transfer #2 June 2015: BFN

Transfer #3 Sept 2015: th_abfp.gifon hpt Sept 24!!!!

1st beta 12dp3dt: 421 2nd beta 14dp3dt:1025 Viability US (6w6d): One perfect baby measuring 7.0 weeks with HB of 130!!yahoo.gif

8- week US: Cutest little gummy bear measuring 8w1d

Harmony test 10weeks: Risk of trisomy 13, 18 and 21 under 1 in 10,000
20-week US: Baby girl right on track!

Lilypie Pregnancy tickers


#23 lesley1978

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Posted 23 April 2015 - 01:51 PM

Hugs mum, your dream is far from over.
Stay strong and do what is best for you!!
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#24 EverHopefull!

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Posted 23 April 2015 - 04:03 PM

Muminwaiting - you are AWESOME!  And strong and brave and worth way more than this.  And there are other fish in the sea (and by fish I mean sperm).  He hasn't taken away your chance to be a Mum, don't let this be the end of your dream.  You can freeze your eggs, or get donor sperm or you can adopt.  There are still lots of options.  Just don't do nothing.  Make a plan that's best for YOU, and keep working towards it.


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#25 Arlene Preddie

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  • My Clinic:Previously Mt. Sinai & Create

Posted 25 April 2015 - 01:32 PM

I am in total shock. My husband is leaving me because he wants a baby NOW. He doesn't want to keep spending money trying to have a baby and getting too old in the process. I love him so much and have failed him. We've been married 10 years this September. He was never much of a communicator and has told me it has bothered him for years and that was the reason he was often very distant from me. I have begged him to stay. Said I would do anything. I have done everything for him including sponsoring him and his family to Canada. I never thought he could live without me. He says it pains him to tell me that and do that to me but he wants to be happy. He says he loves me and will miss me and will always be there for me. This makes no sense. I've only known about my infertility for maybe 3 years. I was getting ready for my next IVF. I can't picture my life without him. Can anyone make sense of this one give me ways to cope?

I'm sure someone has suggested adoption.  I would adopt if I had the chance but time is kind of ticking away for me while I'm being held in 'A City of My Own' (play on Virgina Wolf) but nothing lasts forever right.  I'm sure they will give me the rest of my human and civil rights back eventually.


Former User Name: Nervous Wreck

FSH: 8

AMH: 8

Acupuncture: weekly

Chiropractor: 3x per week. Dr. Sly Etobicoke http://americanpregn...iropractic.html

3 Fibroids (10 cm, 3cm, 2cm)

 

SUPPLEMENTS

Prenatal, NAC, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Cenitol, Folapro, Rhodiola & Ginseng (by Medi Herb for cortisol support), Serracel, Omega 3-6-9, King of Codyceps, Chaga (oriveda),  Thyro-Gold, Cerebrovital PQQ-10

 

Consult @ Mt. Sinai 1/31/2013

polyp removed 4/24/2013

HSG 5/2013 tubes open, but same 2cm fibroid and possibly scar tissue (endo?)

5/2013 consult with Create another hysteroscopy scheduled to see if fibroid removal is necessary/possible

5/2013 consult with Dr. Fiona (fertility naturopath)

 

5/29/2013 2nd hysteroscopy @ Create polyp found and removed. 2cm fibroid not seen (huh? how did that happen)

IUI#1: was hoping for May 2013 now going straight to IVF

6/12/2013 started Lupron injections

6/21/2013 (AF arrives on time for the 2nd time in 28 years)

6/22/2013 go in for cycle monitoring WTF

6/23/2013 stop Lupron and convert to IUI with Gonal F

7/3/2013 6 follicles (yawn I'm still skeptical)

7/5/2013 IUI#1

7/6/2013 IUI# 2 (double yawn)