48 replies to this topic

[CdnHockeyGal]

I finally got pregnant and have been very private about our IVF struggle and a friend of mine told me that since I lost weight and my DH found me me more attractive that is why it happened.....me getting pregnant...and this coming from someone who clearly needed to lose weight ...needless to say, I have never been overweight and that friend is long gone....

Friend?

[mouse]

WTH?! 

[Cassandra_Angela]

Did you make the "OMG you're stupid" face when she said that???

[Egyfied]

Wow people are such tools!

At a checkup because of an abnormal period I had a couple massive cysts discovered on ultrasound. The Gyno sat my husband (we were only married a month at this point) and I down in his office and told us that I have ovarian cancer and that Athough we are a young couple and have dreams of a family we will never have children. We cried for the next 24 hours. Like idiots equally. Lol

Then after going to a real doctor and having surgery to confirm endometriosis and getting those nasty endometriomas removed a nurse looks at my chart and says to me:
Nurse: oh you have endometriosis?
Me: yeah
Nurse: do you have kids
Me: no
Nurse: oh that's not good people with that disease can't have kids did you know that?

It went down just like that. I suppose she was keeping it 💯 as the kids say these days!

[gibasgirl]

My husband told me last night that maybe we're not meant to have kids because of global overpopulation.

Oh brother. I am sorry, ILMDs.

In some ways it sounds like he is quoting someone. I have a feeling he may have had a 2 minute (or shorter) heart-to-heart with a buddy/dude.

Had a similar experience with my husband a few times.

He is not allowed to speak to non-infertile people.

[lovesgreentea]

From a women who is pregnant.....
"Just don't stress, maybe you need another job"
"You need to eat fast food, eat junk food"
"Rest and don't get up after BD"
Some of us don't get pregnant that easily and some don't get it......

[Pegara]

My OBGYN told me I should "just adopt". I responded by telling her that it was an 8-15 year wait for an infant in our province. She was shocked (hmm maybe learn the facts before opening your mouth).

My,other is determined that I need to relax and be well rested in order for the IVF to work. Sigh

[CdnHockeyGal]

That stinks Pegara. I wish you were the first and only who had a medical professional say something ridiculous to them...but unfortunately that's a lengthy list. I know of one lady who is herself a medical professional who was told by her RE to purchase sex toys to keep her husband stimulated. You wonder if these people took a sick day during the day they were teaching medicine at medical school?

The just "relax"...the wonder protocol no one else thinks of. I wish I had before we dropped a small fortune on medical interventions!

[Super Mama]

My cousin, who got preggo right away, both times and has no idea how challenging this can be made the incredibly brilliant observation that "People have kids and don't want them. You should find them and adopt." Oh, sure, ok, let me wander around looking for people who look like they don't want their kids and then offer to take them? I can see that going over really well.
 
I'm so so so annoyed and frustrated by the offhand "just adopt" comments, adoption is not an easy process and it's not a consolation prize. It's a huge decision and while my DH and I have always wanted to adopt anyway, there's a huge list of things to discuss/determine before approaching adoption that don't exist when you have a bio child like openness, cultural/race issues etc.
 
*sigh*

My mother in law "why don't you just adopt??" After we had made our decision to not continue with treatments. I have grieved this and was just sharing our decision. She's such an idiot 99% of the time. Maybe just don't say anything and I'd be better off!

[CdnHockeyGal]

You weren't aware there was a magic adoption fairy where you just make your wishes known and your family will appear without any further cost, waiting or heartache?

Sorry Super Mama - a very careless thing to say.

[dandd]

What about "There are people with greater problems than you". 

 

Before  I had my son, ppl said, "Atleast you have a loving DH, is it a big deal if you cannot have kids, people have greater problems that that" - Really? I did not know. 

 

now that I have my son and am trying for #2 I get the " Atleast you have one child, there are so many who cannot even have one kid, you should be grateful for him. People have greater problems." - Ahhhh, I am grateful for my son but would love to have another one is that so wrong. Sigh!

 

And mind you we have not shared our journey with too many people just a handful. Sometimes I find that its easier just to keep things to ourselves and not share so that I don't have to hear what others have to say. 

[dandd]

Actually I have one that tops this. We haven't shared our infertility journey with my in-laws at all because we do not trust them to keep it to themselves. Before I was pregnant with my lo, We were trying for three something year and in that time my DH's bro who got married around the same time as us was already pregnant with their second one. Whenever we were asked when were going to have kids we used to say we will think about it and we are in no rush. So my MIL went and asked my mother if I was "infertile". Who does that??? Who asks someone else mother is their child is infertile? What if someone asked her if her son was infertile. My mother was so hurt but she did not say anything to me because she did not want to hurt me but it came up in conversation one day when I was pretty far along my pregnancy with my lo. The funny thing is that our issues are really "male factor". We let it slide and did not confront her about it because really we did not want to talk about it. 

[Miss_Boos]

Said when I was trapped in a car in Oakville on the way to a "team building" event.

 

"These people who can't have kids just need to relax, that's when it will happen.. They don't understand all the stress when you worry about why it hasn't happened is the reason it doesn't happen".

 

I slapped her in the back of the head with my flip flop.  

[autumnmarie]

Miss_Boos, thank you for hitting her! I feel like I got some revenge vicariously through you!

[Miss_Boos]

LOL, I was ticked..

 

Mind you before I had started with this process, I didn't know a lot.. But I always knew more than "just stop stressing!"

[Kayte]

Does "the stupid people who say nothing?" also work??

 

Recently after suffering a miscarriage after several BFNs, after seeing the heartbeat on an ultrasound, we had to confess to our families what had happened. I was in hospital for 3 days with complications and we were supposed to be at family events on both sides that weekend. True to normal fertile person fashion, they'd assume we were just being a**holes by ditching the plans, as we've often had to over many years due to this infertility road.

 

One sibling of 4 sent a text message saying sorry and how are you doing... three others - nothing. One parent asked a week later if we were "over it" - as I'm about to be drug induced to continue passing the tissue that's now stuck in me, on my birthday. Shockingly my MIL brought over a meal to put in the fridge while helping out with our house and dogs while we were away - the nicest gesture I've ever seen from her. My own mother never mentioned it again after I didn't attend the family reunion. I told her to tell my relatives to preserve my reputation and so they'd know I wasn't being a jerk when I really care for them and barely see them. The event went on without us and I heard from no one.

 

Thank god our RE referred us to counselling through the clinic... the best thing I've ever done for myself and marriage in this journey is pay to make sure someone identifies our crisis and tragedy and emotional state, and helps guide us through these things when we are hurting from them but also the pain of "the stupid stuff people say"... and "the stupid people who say nothing". If each person assumes some one else will deal with it with these unlucky people, then no one stands up at all.

[Super Mama]

You weren't aware there was a magic adoption fairy where you just make your wishes known and your family will appear without any further cost, waiting or heartache?
Sorry Super Mama - a very careless thing to say.

Thanks CDN Hockey Gal. My MIL never knows what to say so she says stupid stuff! She's told me worse believe me!

I've gotten the "just relax and it will happen" sooo many times and it's really annoying. I've also gotten "well at least you have one" and from ppl who have been through this ugly thing that is IF.
Just have to shake my head.

[dandd]

Kayte, So sorry you had to go through that. That is so insensitive especially when it comes from immediate family. (hugs)

[Zoe13]

I will start this off by saying, I do realize I'm lucky and wish everyone struggling with infertility the same luck I've had.... what I don't need is people who have NOOOO trouble getting pregnant, and apparently know "lots of people who've done IVF", telling me I'm "lucky" that my first IVF worked.  I know I need to get over it but I still have anxiety over the years of infertility and failed IUIs/clomid cycles (which I know would be nothing compared to a failed IVF).  It's so dismissive of someone who's never experienced infertility testing/treatments to tell you you're lucky... when clearly they're the lucky ones....

[Super Mama]

Well said!

[Sweet_Insanity]

I had a friend I was really close to even though she was 10 years younger than me and was in her teens. She got into being with a lot of men. I ask her to be safe and she said there was no fun in that. She got pg and right away she didn't want it. I told her to think about. (All this time she knew I was struggling to save up money to afford IVF and she knew all my details) Then she said it would be fun to have a baby and if she had twins she'd give me one. Needless to say we are no longer friends. How can anyone say, "if I have twins you can have one?"

[babiesta]

After I miscarried in 2010, my mother in law told me, what's the big deal, it happens to so many people. And since then have been asking me continuously when are we planning a family. Can't she make out that we are struggling. Needless to say, I hardly share anything anymore.

[babiesta]

My personal favorite is " don't think about it and it will happen". "You think too much about this and that's why its not happening". As if when I started TTC, I was tensed.

[Bri.H]

I'm fairly new to the journey, but I think the most common "fix" I hear is "Everything happens in God's time, just trust in him."   And I've heard it twice now that "God wouldn't give you more burden then you can bear." or some variation on that.

 

Now please don't get me wrong I have nothing against any religion, but really?