at one point I have promised to myself if I ever have children I will share my story to give hope to others. So here we go...
My husband and I were 28 when we have agreed it's time for a baby. Two years, countless ovulation tests and disappointments later we realized it's not going to be that easy. Then we went to fertility center and after switching few doctors we ended up with Dr Librach. I must say I DO believe he's the best fertility specialist out there and if anyone is able to help in GTA it would be him.
My husband had lower quality semen (on the lower end of the normal range) and I have PCOS and homo MTFHR. Nothing particularly serious that cannot be treated.
I've done 7 IUI cycles - 6 with Clomid, 7th with Gonal F. Got pregnant 3 times and miscarried all 3 (one pregnancy had twins). Then we decided to move on to IVF. Once again, I got pregnant on a fresh cycle, but miscarried at week 9 - this was the longest pregnancy for me, so the disappointment was even higher. Overall, we spent 3 years on treatements.
I was taking Metformin, baby aspirin, dexamethasone, intralipid injections in addition to regular cycle meds like estrogen, progesterone, etc. I was heartbroken. I was barely holding and was considering dropping out of the game. My husband was the only thing that held me strong. He took all the losses very sensitively, but he could not consider the possibility for us not to have children. I promised him we will continue trying until we turn 35 yrs old, after that we may reconsider our views. My biggest fear was to waste my life trying and losing bebies, then realizing at 40s that I haven't had a chance to enjoy my time while remaining childless. We had to accept many restrictions in order to continue with fertility treatements.
Well, last October we went for FET. I got pregnant again. With twins. The only mild difference we have made this time was (a) FET instead of fresh cycle ( progesterone shots instead of suppositories © 2 dexamethasone pills a day instead of 1. At one point I counted 11 pills/shots I was doing daily for the first 12 weeks. Every single week we went for an u/s was hell: I was shaking with fear to hear about yet another loss. The first 12 weeks were shockingly tough on us mentally. I had 2 big bleeding/sotting incidents, not something that helps to ease your mind. Finally, at 13 weeks we've been told babies look great, Harmony test came back negative, and we can move on to a real obstetrician.
At 19 weeks u/s we've discovered that my cervix is getting shorter and shorter. By week 21 it was only 2 cm long. I was mentally drained. I was crying every minute night and day. I was so afraid to get that far and lose babies for another reason. I left work and stayed home. I literally self-prescribed complete bed rest. I got up only to walk 10 feet to the washroom, took shower once a week (10 min max), and got up once a day to walk to the kitchen in mid day to microwave lunch. That's it. Everyday before going to work, my husband would place pillows/extra things under the mattress, so I end up at an angle with my feet up (to keep pressure off the cervix). I was worried every single second. My husband and I cried when we realized we may not carry babies to life. After 24 weeks I got mentally prepared for an early labour and the possibility of having extremely premature babies. But time went on and on. First I thought I'd feel happier once I reach 28 weeks, then 32 weeks, etc. But weeks were passing by, and I didn't feel less worried. At the end, I manage to carry past 37 weeks and would have lasted longer, but was prescribed labour induction b/c of high blood pressure. My babies came into life healthy and marked as "healthy full term newborns".
These are dry facts, but I cannot explain how much I went through the past 3 years with 5 pregnancies and 4 miscarriages. What we felt during the last 4 months of my pregnancy, how worried we were, how we haven't given ourselves a single second to feel happy for the pregnancy because of the fear to jinx it, to lose it again. I didn't even feel the magic moment when I 've heard babies cry for the first time - the only thought in my mind was if they're healthy and everything is normal.
Right now my twins are almost 3 months old. They are beautiful, amazing, developping well. Every day I thank Lord for giving them to me, even if it means very hard times and many sleepless nights.
Pls, do not lose hope. Things do happen. We never found out the reason for our losses, but we kept going, we kept hitting heads against the wall and we've got what we wanted. I want your hearts to fill with hope. Good luck. Be strong.