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Donor sperm and the man


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#1 Stellabella28

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 06:20 PM

Im just curious about couples that have looked into donor sperm and how their husbands feel about this option. My DH says he is totally ok with it and that the sperm doesnt make him a father but raising the child and loving the child does make him a father. He seems to be ok with this that Im worrued. Im worried he isnt telling me the truth. I mean, how could he be "ok" with it? Im worried that if we use donor and have a baby will he love it as his own?!



#2 Merry33

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 06:49 PM

Why wouldn't he love it as his own? I think it is a very human thing to love a child (or a baby) that is in our care, irrespective of their genetic link to us (or lack thereof). Do you only love people who are related to you?

I think people sometimes have this fear, but I honestly highly doubt that anybody ever raised a "non-biological" child and did not love her/him.

And I think  he is 100% correct. Having sperm or not also does not define him as a man, right? So why would where that sperm came from define him as a father?

 

We decided against donor sperm because I personally 1) find the concept of having a "partially biological child" very strange and would then rather prefer a 100% "non-biological child" (via adoption; which is what we pursued), and 2) I have issues with the potentially anonymous nature of donors. But that's just me. My husband would have been ok with it if it was what I really wanted.


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#3 tjluvbug

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 07:50 PM

we also considered donor sperm and dh was totally okay with it. I didn't think that he would be but he was. In the end we didn't need it. We had it as a back up plan though.


<p>Me 38 (28 when we did first IVF) DH 52 3 IVF's, 2 FET's, & 2 IUI's.  Boy/Girl twins born March 12th, 2015 at 33w6d. Our family is complete


#4 Stellabella28

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 07:57 PM

Merry, I guess I have a root to my fear. My father is not biologically mine , he adopted me wheb I was two and when he married my mom. He does not live me, we havent seen each other in years and do not talk. So I know where the fear is coming from....I struggled with my relationship with my father for years and Im scared it would repeat if we use done, silly im sure but a valid fear. My husband is also NOTHING like my father....ugh



#5 amp77

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 09:25 PM

Being a step parent is much different than a father being there through an entire pregnancy and birth and from day one bonding with the baby.  If he is ok with it, it means that he will feel like the father, whether it is his sperm or not.  I think it is great that you and your DH can discuss it openly, as I know it is a difficult topic.  I wish you all the best in this difficult decision and journey!


Age 40, DH 44 in Oct.

TTC on and off since 2007 before our second IVF, in 2014, brought us our beautiful son and our first FET brought us our second son in 2017.  Our family is complete!

 

IVF #1 - April 2014 - BFN - no frosties

 

IVF #2 - July 2014 - BFP - 5B-AB and 4 frosties (5B-BB, 2x4B-BB and 3B-BB)

Apr. 13, 2015 - Daniel Erik was born at 5:05 am, weight 8 lbs, 13 oz, and 22" long.  He is perfect in every way.

 

FET #1 - September 2016 - BFP - 5B-BB and 3 frosties (2x4B-BB and 3B-BB)

June 18, 2017 - Matthew William was born at 2:46 am, weight 8 lbs, 11 oz and 21" long.  He is perfect in every way too!

 

 


#6 Makana

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 09:30 PM

Hi Stella -
Just an observation that the relationship (or lack there of) that you had/have with your father also is experienced by children who have biological links to their parents....sadly. I think that your non biological link with your father has nothing to do with it. He's just that kind of guy. Doesn't mean your hubby will be. Good luck!
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#7 Merry33

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Posted 16 September 2014 - 11:13 PM

I agree with Makana. Relationships are just complicated, and unfortunately not all people make good parents (biological or not). I think you will find a ton of fathers of non-biological children who adore and love their children (my own mom grew up with a step-dad and they had a very loving relationship). I do understand where your fears are coming from, but I don't think you should base your decision on these fears.


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#8 Stellabella28

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 12:12 AM

Very true Merry, thanks! I guess its habit to look at the negative. Because I do have a step father whom I love dearly and I know he loves me, so maybe I should focus on the positives iN all of this :)



#9 tjluvbug

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Posted 17 September 2014 - 03:35 PM

I agree with what the others said. My step father has in many ways been much more involved than my own biological father. I don't doubt my bio dads love for me I just don't think he was ever cut out for being a dad or necessarily wanted to be one. Whereas my step-dad always wanted to be a dad and so when he married my mom who had 3 already and an inability to have more he just stepped up. I think it has more to do with the ability to love and be there then it does genetic ties. 


<p>Me 38 (28 when we did first IVF) DH 52 3 IVF's, 2 FET's, & 2 IUI's.  Boy/Girl twins born March 12th, 2015 at 33w6d. Our family is complete


#10 jebur

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Posted 07 October 2019 - 01:48 PM

We haven't looked into it yet as we are in the very early stages of getting an official Dx and finding out what our options are, but when I mentioned it as a possible option once, my boyfriend voiced that he was very uncomfortable with the idea of me carrying a child by a complete stranger. It was disappointing to hear that because if we aren't able to use his, I don't want the possibility of having a pregnancy taken off the table. But trying not to jump ahead as we don't know our full situation quite yet! 



#11 goldilox33

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Posted 20 November 2019 - 09:51 PM

My husband was completely opposed to it until we got the confirmation that he had zero sperm. It was his choice to follow through with donor sperm. Not once have he/we ever felt that our children are not 'his' own. I truly believe that any worries and doubts he may have had during our years of TTC and pregnancies went away the second our babies were born. Good luck to you on this very hard long path!

Goldilox33
TTC-since August 2007
Me-25 DH-33
DH-Azoospermia
Me-PCOS & Unexplained
December 16/08 -- First appointment with urologist.
-- DH has no vas deferns!
February 2009 -- Appointment with OBGYN, going to do a dye test within the next few months.
March 19/09 -- Dye test, tubes are open smile.png
April 9/09 -- DH's biopsy. Praying very hard for sperm. No sperm sad.png
May 1/09 -- On the waiting list to get into ARTUS for DIUI.
June 22/09 -- First appointment at the clinic.
June 22/09 -- I've been diagnosed with PCOS
September 2009 -- Hopefully start DIUI
October 7/09 -- First DIUI - BFN
November 17/09 -- Second DIUI - BFN
December 09 -- Third DIUI - Cancelled
January 10/10 -- Fourth DIUI - BFN
February 3/10 -- Appointment with ARTUS to discuss more options... Superovulation and/or IVF
May 13/10 -- Fifth DIUI (Superovulation) - BFN
June 23/10 -- First appointment with the IVF Doctor...On the waiting list (approx 6 months)
November 2010 -- 1st IVF
November 7/10 -- Last day of BCP
November 10/10 -- First IVF Ultrasound! Here we go!
November 12/10 -- Started Gonal-F
November 26/10 -- Egg Retrieval -- 7 retrieved -- No fertilization, tried rescue ICSI, another failure
Unsure what to do next. Heart Broken
Novemer 30/10 -- Fertiliation started?
December 3/10 -- Transferred 2 embies
December 16/10 -- Beta BFN
January 5/10 -- Follow up app with Dr. after BFN -- New protocol, try again in the spring.
May 2011 -- IVF # 2
May 11/11 -- Start Superfact injections
May 19/11 -- First ultrasound
May 20/11 -- Start 300 Gonal-F
May 30/11 -- Egg Retrieval -- 11 retrieved -- 8 fertilized smile.png
June 2/11 -- Embryo Transfer -- 2 excellent embies transferred!! 6 still going strong!
June 15/11 -- Early beta - BFP!!!!!! 105
June 16/11 -- 2 frozen embryos!
June 20/11 -- Beta # 2 Going up like it's supposed to!!!!! smile.png
July 1/11 -- Early u/s -- One perfect little bean smile.png HB 124, measuring 6w2d
July 5/11 -- 2nd u/s -- HB 129, measuring 6w6d
July 19/11 -- 3rd u/s -- HB 189, measuring 8w6d
August 10/11 -- 1st OB appointment
August 15/11 -- NT u/s
September 21/11 -- U/S -- healthy little baby
February 20/12 -- Baby is due!
February 14/12 -- Healthy baby girl is born!!! 6lbs 14 oz 

September 12/13 -- FET 2 blasts

September 24/13 -- BFP!!!! 

April 27/13 -- Healthy baby boy born 5 weeks early! 5lbs 8oz