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To the woman I saw crying


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#1 oceanbluesngreens

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Posted 26 August 2014 - 11:30 PM

To the woman I saw crying as she walked through the Monitoring section of the new facility on the morning of Friday, August 22:
I can't get your image out of my head - I was so sorry to see you in this state. I have been there myself and I know how terrible it is to walk through a crowded waiting room while you cannot contain your emotions. I hope you are doing OK now. I just wanted to give you a big HUG when I saw you like this on that morning...  Sending you a big virtual hug tonight. th_abighug.gif


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<p><strong>Me</strong>: <strike>31</strike> <strike>32</strike> <strike>33</strike> 34 TTC for 3 1/2 years<em><strong>DOR/Endometriosis; AMH: 6  /  FSH: 11  /  AFC: 8; Hypo-thyroidism </strong></em>(0.05 1x daily L.thyroxine)</p><p>Visually impaired (no peripheral vision in right field of both eyes); no driver's license<strong>DH:</strong> <strike>35</strike> <strike>36</strike> <strike>37</strike> 38 </p><p>Low sperm count (non-obstructive and obstructive Azoospermia); cause unknown and unexplained.<strong><em>July 2011</em></strong> - Started TTC... referred to several different specialists between DH and I over the past 3 years... <strong><em>March 2014</em> </strong>- <b> </b>Lap surgery performed and removed endometriosis growing on bladder and endometrioma cyst in L. ovary. Biopsy revealed non-cancerous Stage 3 endometriosis.</p><div><strong><em>April 2014</em></strong> - IVF is our only option due to my endometriosis and needing ICSI for DH's swimmers. Began CM with Hannam Fertility Centre in Toronto (Dr. Robb).</div><p><em> </em></p><p><strong><u>IVF # 1.0</u> </strong>- <em><strong>May/June 2014</strong></em> (postponed due to polyp)</p><p>- <em><strong>June 6/14</strong></em> - Polypectomy performed</p><p> </p><p><strong><u>IVF # 1.1</u> </strong>- <em><strong>June/July 2014</strong></em> (postponed again due to AF arriving after only 14 day cycle and still need to consult with OB at Mt. Sinai re: concerns over medication ASA and IVF)</p><p><strong><em>July 2014</em> </strong>- July consult with ob-gyn at High Risk Pregnancy Group re: ASA requested to change to Lovenox instead of ASA during IVF cycle.  Begin Lovenox injection on July 25, 1x daily with BCP.</p><p> </p><p><strong><u>IVF # 1.2</u></strong> - <em><strong>August/September 2014</strong></em>: OCP - controlled Antagonist Cycle </p><p><em><strong>July 25/14</strong></em> - begin Marvelon BCP until August 16<em><strong>August 23/14</strong></em> - begin Gonal F 250 and Menopur 75</p><p>Day 8 of stims - Cycle at risk for being cancelled. Stimulated longer, 12 days total, 3 follicles. <em><strong>September 4/14</strong></em> - ER. Only two eggs retrieved.</p><p>One fertilized with DH's fresh sperm with ICSI.<em><strong>September 7/14</strong></em> - ET. One 6-10 cell embryo transferred. Nothing to freeze. Begin Progesterone suppositories 3x daily and Estrace 2x daily... 3 terrible migraines w/ nausea during 2ww.</p><p><em><strong>September 18/14</strong></em> - Celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary with a<img src="<a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='<a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='https://ivf.ca/forums...ult/th_abfp.gif'>https://ivf.ca/forums//public/style_emoticons/default/th_abfp.gif</a><a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='%27'>'>https://ivf.ca/forums//public/style_emoticons/default/th_abfp.gif</a>"</a> title=":th_abfp:" alt="th_abfp.gif">  squinter on FRER!!! </p><p><em><strong>September 22/14</strong></em> - <img <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='href=%27src=%27'>href='src='>src="https://ivf.ca/forums//public/style_emoticons/default/th_abfn.gif"</a></a> title=":th_abfn:" alt="th_abfn.gif">  at beta <img <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='href=%27src=%27'>href='src='>src="https://ivf.ca/forums//public/style_emoticons/default/sad.png"</a></a> title=":(" alt="sad.png">...completely devastated.</p><p><em><strong>October 6/14</strong></em> - WTF appointment...egg quality is good, but quantity is diminished... 10-15% chance of success with MOE if we cycle again. Shocked... Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted... considering donor eggs and adoption...</p><p><em><strong>November 4/14</strong></em> - WTF meeting again with RE at HFC to further discuss options... Decided to move on to donor eggs...</p><p>Referred to CReATe Fertility Centre in Toronto (for donor egg cycle). Waiting for consultation with Dr. Librach on December 23/14.</p><p><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong>December 23/14</strong> - Changed clinics - Consultation with Dr. Librach at new clinic (CReATe). He is recommending we try IVF #2 with a new plan. Right ovary looks really good. Underwent all workup u/s and b/w again. Waiting for test results (end of January 2015).      </span> All test results good. No auto-immune diseases. Starting IVF #2 March 2015. Fresh cycle, new protocol (Long Lupron), started Lupron shots Feb 17/15. Started stims Mar. 1/15 (Bravelle & Menopur). Started Fragmin shots on stim day 3. Egg retrieval Mar. 14/15, 9 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, 3 fertilized with ICSI, planning day 3 transfer Mar. 17/15.

#2 maryd

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Posted 27 August 2014 - 05:48 AM

That's so very sweet of you to write that for her.


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#3 gibasgirl

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Posted 27 August 2014 - 07:43 AM

That was a very moving and thoughtful post. I think at some point we have been in those shoes, or witnessed something similar and wanted to reach out, but couldn't.

(it was not me, I wanted to share my thoughts and appreciation of your kindness.)
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#4 Meary

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Posted 27 August 2014 - 08:18 AM

I hope she reads it and is getting some comfort from this.  Feeling less alone is nice.


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#5 abm

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Posted 27 August 2014 - 09:10 AM

So nice of you to write this. I have been "that woman" myself on a couple of occasions. Hugs right back to you for your kindness.


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#6 abm

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Posted 27 August 2014 - 10:20 AM

(to be clear, I am not the woman ocean is talking about) 


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#7 oceanbluesngreens

oceanbluesngreens
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  • My Clinic:Hannam Fertility Clinic now CReATe

Posted 27 August 2014 - 12:30 PM

Thanks, everybody, for your likes and kind remarks. I hope she sees it too. I have felt so alone and suffered in silence many times throughout this process but these forums have helped keep me going and feeling connected. Sometimes I feel closer to the women on these forums than I do to my own girlfriends. I guess this is the isolation that is infertility.


  • gibasgirl and juice like this
<p><strong>Me</strong>: <strike>31</strike> <strike>32</strike> <strike>33</strike> 34 TTC for 3 1/2 years<em><strong>DOR/Endometriosis; AMH: 6  /  FSH: 11  /  AFC: 8; Hypo-thyroidism </strong></em>(0.05 1x daily L.thyroxine)</p><p>Visually impaired (no peripheral vision in right field of both eyes); no driver's license<strong>DH:</strong> <strike>35</strike> <strike>36</strike> <strike>37</strike> 38 </p><p>Low sperm count (non-obstructive and obstructive Azoospermia); cause unknown and unexplained.<strong><em>July 2011</em></strong> - Started TTC... referred to several different specialists between DH and I over the past 3 years... <strong><em>March 2014</em> </strong>- <b> </b>Lap surgery performed and removed endometriosis growing on bladder and endometrioma cyst in L. ovary. Biopsy revealed non-cancerous Stage 3 endometriosis.</p><div><strong><em>April 2014</em></strong> - IVF is our only option due to my endometriosis and needing ICSI for DH's swimmers. Began CM with Hannam Fertility Centre in Toronto (Dr. Robb).</div><p><em> </em></p><p><strong><u>IVF # 1.0</u> </strong>- <em><strong>May/June 2014</strong></em> (postponed due to polyp)</p><p>- <em><strong>June 6/14</strong></em> - Polypectomy performed</p><p> </p><p><strong><u>IVF # 1.1</u> </strong>- <em><strong>June/July 2014</strong></em> (postponed again due to AF arriving after only 14 day cycle and still need to consult with OB at Mt. Sinai re: concerns over medication ASA and IVF)</p><p><strong><em>July 2014</em> </strong>- July consult with ob-gyn at High Risk Pregnancy Group re: ASA requested to change to Lovenox instead of ASA during IVF cycle.  Begin Lovenox injection on July 25, 1x daily with BCP.</p><p> </p><p><strong><u>IVF # 1.2</u></strong> - <em><strong>August/September 2014</strong></em>: OCP - controlled Antagonist Cycle </p><p><em><strong>July 25/14</strong></em> - begin Marvelon BCP until August 16<em><strong>August 23/14</strong></em> - begin Gonal F 250 and Menopur 75</p><p>Day 8 of stims - Cycle at risk for being cancelled. Stimulated longer, 12 days total, 3 follicles. <em><strong>September 4/14</strong></em> - ER. Only two eggs retrieved.</p><p>One fertilized with DH's fresh sperm with ICSI.<em><strong>September 7/14</strong></em> - ET. One 6-10 cell embryo transferred. Nothing to freeze. Begin Progesterone suppositories 3x daily and Estrace 2x daily... 3 terrible migraines w/ nausea during 2ww.</p><p><em><strong>September 18/14</strong></em> - Celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary with a<img src="<a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='<a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='https://ivf.ca/forums...ult/th_abfp.gif'>https://ivf.ca/forums//public/style_emoticons/default/th_abfp.gif</a><a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='%27'>'>https://ivf.ca/forums//public/style_emoticons/default/th_abfp.gif</a>"</a> title=":th_abfp:" alt="th_abfp.gif">  squinter on FRER!!! </p><p><em><strong>September 22/14</strong></em> - <img <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='href=%27src=%27'>href='src='>src="https://ivf.ca/forums//public/style_emoticons/default/th_abfn.gif"</a></a> title=":th_abfn:" alt="th_abfn.gif">  at beta <img <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' <a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='href=%27src=%27'>href='src='>src="https://ivf.ca/forums//public/style_emoticons/default/sad.png"</a></a> title=":(" alt="sad.png">...completely devastated.</p><p><em><strong>October 6/14</strong></em> - WTF appointment...egg quality is good, but quantity is diminished... 10-15% chance of success with MOE if we cycle again. Shocked... Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted... considering donor eggs and adoption...</p><p><em><strong>November 4/14</strong></em> - WTF meeting again with RE at HFC to further discuss options... Decided to move on to donor eggs...</p><p>Referred to CReATe Fertility Centre in Toronto (for donor egg cycle). Waiting for consultation with Dr. Librach on December 23/14.</p><p><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong>December 23/14</strong> - Changed clinics - Consultation with Dr. Librach at new clinic (CReATe). He is recommending we try IVF #2 with a new plan. Right ovary looks really good. Underwent all workup u/s and b/w again. Waiting for test results (end of January 2015).      </span> All test results good. No auto-immune diseases. Starting IVF #2 March 2015. Fresh cycle, new protocol (Long Lupron), started Lupron shots Feb 17/15. Started stims Mar. 1/15 (Bravelle & Menopur). Started Fragmin shots on stim day 3. Egg retrieval Mar. 14/15, 9 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, 3 fertilized with ICSI, planning day 3 transfer Mar. 17/15.

#8 amazing grace

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Posted 27 August 2014 - 01:08 PM

I have been that woman too, just not this time. Many times I wish that someone would have approached me and asked if I was okay. No one did, and to be honest, I wish at that moment, I had someone to talk to. I know it is hard for people to approach because it is such a sensitive topic and often you may not know how someone may react. However, It was beautiful that you thought of that person.


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#9 kerrilyn

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Posted 27 August 2014 - 08:03 PM

Oh so many times have I been there too. I often wonder when I'm in the wAiting room how many members are also there.
  • gibasgirl and oceanbluesngreens like this
Me (Kerri-Lyn) 41, DH (Steve) 37, TTC since April 2007Unexplained IF (possibly crappy eggs, AMH 10.4 = poor responder) - HSG, SHGx3, Lap, Cycle Monitoring, Recurrent loss bloods, EMB, Karyotyping, DNA Frag - all normal! 7 IUI's, 2 cancelled IVF's, 3 complete IVF's, 1 FET, 2 clinics, 1 early miscarriage, lots of debt, lots of heartache, lots of tears. We rolled the dice and got lucky on our last ditch "close the door" cycle and have a beautiful little girl. April 2014 - Had the crazy notion to try for another. Shocked with a BFP, miscarried @ 8W6D. See my "about me" page for more cycle details.

#10 Hope.

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Posted 18 September 2014 - 09:19 PM

Such a nice post. I think most of us can relate to that feeling. Good luck on your beta Oceanblues :)
  • gibasgirl likes this
TTC since 2009; IUI x 3 All BFN
IVF #1 Aug/13 = BFN
FET #1 Nov/13 = cancelled thin lining
FET #2 Dec/13 = chemical
FET #3 Aug/14 = cancelled thin lining
FET #4 Sept/14 = BFN

SURPRISE BFP!!!! Sept/15 ultrasounds at 8, 10, and 12 weeks show one strong little bean :)
Due May 2016

#11 Clairey

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Posted 19 September 2014 - 07:38 AM

Reading this made me cry... picturing the sadness, fear and overwhelming she was going through... and also being that person many times myself. If you've been there I can't imagine reading this and not having a huge lump in your throat. Big hugs to her. How nice of you to write this.

 

We visited our clinic for the first time in a long time recently and as we made the familiar drive and pulled into the parking lot, my first vision of the building was seeing a woman burst through the front doors out the lobby and onto the sidewalk, in tears. I walked into the clinic crying. I wanted to give her a hug, but as we approached she turned her back and walked around the corner. As we restart our journey, that image (and the one in this message) are stuck with me. Lots of grief involved in the infertility journey, and keeping it at bay in public is a painful struggle.

 

Wish I could make it better and easier for everyone.


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