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#1 quandry

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Posted 01 April 2014 - 08:25 AM

This miscarriage has not been easy.  Making the difficult decision not to do the DNC, I was worried...  a little nervous of how it would go, but also that I was in some way steamrolling DH.  I am so thankful that in the end, I found out that he was so thankful I went this route and couldn't imagine having a dnc either, with no baby to bury yet again...  I am thankful that when our Little Robin was born that he sat there with me, in wonder, staring at their fingers and toes same as I did. 

 

I am thankful that DH was there for me.  REALLY there for me.  I bled, a lot.  I passed clots bigger than a softball every ten minutes for over an hour.  I was a disaster.  A mess.  And DH?  Ever time he'd clean the entire bathroom, never once being squeemish or acting put out.  He literally just did what needed to be done.  I always thought he'd pass out if he saw blood...  he sorely proved me wrong.  All I know is that my ex.. he would have left me to not only clean up on my own, but also to pass out from blood loss...  and ambulance?  He would have ben angry one had been called, and when I went he would have stayed home because he needed to sleep.  My DH is amazing, and I just cannot believe how lucky I am.

 

For three days I was in a funk.  I couldn't look at DH, I didn't want to be near him...  And I know he just wanted to be near me, to take care of me, but I just couldn't.  I couldn't even talk to him about it because I was so close to tears, or so angry that I was seriously looking around the house to break something.  So instead of talking to him, I'd send him long texts, explaining that I just couldn't...  and he never once complained.  I was horrible to him, and he just loved me anyways.  Really, DH is the best.

 

At the ER that night I had two fantastic nurses.  One was mid thirties and just so down to earth yet compassionate.  After the doctor did my internal and left, she told me to wait...  She grabbed a warm cloth and cleaned my thighs...  It was really just about one of the most compassionate things a nurse has ever done for me...  I have tears standing in my eyes right now.  I cannot even tell you how much I appreciated her help, and in a way love.  The other nurse wanted to make sure that I was ok emotionally...  Letting me know that it was ok to be sad, or angry or hurt...  At one point she asked if I was in healthcare, saying there was just something about me that seemed very compassionate.  When I told her I worked in a church and hoped one day to work as a chaplain at a hospital, she told me that I would be very good at it, she could just tell....

 

My boss...  I cannot even begin...  As said I work at a church...  and he's been...  just right?  I am not a touchy feely type when it comes to loss.  I really need time to process, and usually that is done on my own.  My boss has managed to stay in touch, without being pushy or insisting on a phone call or anything.  He sent messages to people for me, like our old church, letting them know what was going on. He asked my team not to contact me about anything work related, and has even offered me massive amounts of paid leave.  HE really has just been amazingly supportive, in all the right ways.  and for that I am incredibly thankful.

 

I know this business of loosing a baby is not easy.  I know it's one of the hardest things a woman can do...  and yet, I have found things amongst the rot that touches my heart in a way that is really touching.  I am grateful to have been surrounded by loving, compassionate and understanding people...

 

I'd love it if anyone else would share their stories of gratitude.  It's not easy sometimes to remember the moments of grace during these terrible times, but I for one need to cling to those.


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#2 rokgerl

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Posted 01 April 2014 - 09:49 AM

Oh Quandry.  I know I've said it before but I'll say it again.  I'm so sorry.  Take time to heal and to continue to honour your feelings.
 
I think this is a great thread for you to have put out here though.  There are those special people out there who, in the face of tragedy and loss, do comfort us and make us feel better, even with the simplest of actions.
 
Through three miscarriages I was used to the spiel and the business of how things were taken care of.  I was used to the clinical-ness (I know, not a word) of it all - measuring the dropping betas, going through the numerous ultrasounds, the terrible jargon used by doctors (POC, spontaneous abortion, etc), jumping into the game plan of moving forward and sometimes, stupid things that people would say.  It was easy to become hardened by the process.
 
At the ultrasound of my 3rd pregnancy, the technician also confirmed my 3rd loss.  I had to take the requisition to my RE for him to look over and then see what would happen from there.  I waited for over an hour for the appointment after the ultrasound in the fertility clinic waiting room, using all of my strength to hold back tears and trying not to break down.  My name was finally called and I was taken in to a random RE (I had met him a few times before but didn't know him well, mine was not there that day).
 
He sat down, went over the report, was flipping through my chart and asked "have you been through this before?" (like I said I only met him a few times, only through my IVF monitoring).  I had done well until then.  Stayed stoic but not too cold, just trying to be business as usual (I'm not a person who cries in front of just anyone).  He looked up at me and with tears in my eyes and a little quiver in my voice I managed to say "yeah, this is the third time".  I choked back the tears.  
 
He did one of the most unexpected things I've ever experienced during loss.  He closed and put down my file, looked at me square in the face, took his hand and gently put it on my arm and said "I'm so sorry, this must be so hard for you".  All I could respond with was "yeah".  The look on his face was genuinely remorseful and I knew what he was saying wasn't just a blanket "sorry".  I nodded my head and was able to keep it together, even though now as I write this I still cry like a baby.
 
I was never able to say thank you to him.  He will never know the extent to which his genuine remorse and kindness shown affected me.  I was, and still am, truly grateful for his compassion.
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#3 gibasgirl

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Posted 01 April 2014 - 10:40 AM

Tears. I am moved to tears by what you both have been through. 

 

Quandry, your heart-rending account of what happened shone a light on the glimmers of beauty that can break through our darkest hours. Thank you for sharing this with us. 

 

Rokgerl, I got all choked up by the compassion that doctor showed you during your loss. Angels sometimes walk among us and show up when we need them the most. Thank you.

 

I am thankful for my husband, too. I am a little too moved to share any experiences at this time, but your words made me think about the story of the Lotus Flower and how, through the muck and dirt, they rise and overcome.

 

http://withanopenhea...y-of-the-lotus/

 

My heart feels a little more open today. 


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#4 gracegirl

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Posted 01 April 2014 - 11:30 AM

Oh my. Ladies, your posts have me sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks.

 

I have thought about gratitude often over these last few months. Through our losses, both emotional and physical, I always came back to the words "well, it could be worse..."...and even thought those words would sometimes seem trite and hint at negating the intensity and importance of our experience and hurt, in truth, for my dh and I, it could have been worse.

 

In amongst the pain, heartache, exhaustion, and frustration, I realize that indeed we live the good life. Gratitude comes today in the form of sunshine (oh glorious sunshine), a long nap, a good walk with a great friend, a happy husband, and a content dog at my feet...and perhaps a bowl of ice-cream later.

 

Oh my friends, I am so grateful to hear your stories and that brave women like you are in my life.

 

 

 

 

 


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#5 Meary

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Posted 01 April 2014 - 12:09 PM

Quandry, I'm glad you have an amazing partner who has provided you with exactly what you required to get through this.  He sounds wonderful and proud to be by your side.

 

I am also grateful to my husband throughout all this.  His concern for everything we are putting my body through with the drugs, the invasive procedures, the pregnancy, the stress, the loss.  His constant reassurance that if I want to draw a line in the sand, that would be ok.  He would be completely ok with it just being us if that's what I want.  Moments of his love were never more apparent than a simple hug in the shower while I sobbed.  Or a protective holding of my hand when I seemed to be cracking.

 

I'm grateful to myself, for finding strength where I didn't imagine any would be.  For proving to myself that I can get through A LOT.  I don't give myself enough credit and I'll have to keep this in mind in the future.

 

I'm also grateful to my family doctor for validating my mental breakdown toward the end.  For insisting that it was essential for me to get answers as quick as humanly possible.  He's new to us as a family doctor and I now feel like I will have nothing but trust in him.

 

Other moments are fairly vague, but have a lot to do with this forum.  The personal messages of caring, the ability to vent when needed, and read in complete silence when unable to speak up.  For the understanding and willingness to share experiences from others.

 

One other one.  Whenever I've sat crying by myself, one of my dogs (the one in the avatar) always gets as close to me as she can and licks all the tears off my face.  I don't care if it's because tears are salty, the moment always feels like she's understanding that I'm hurting and showing me she cares.  For some reason she always makes me feel like, 'Ok, let's get this out of our system and cuddle or go for a walk'.  It's the small things, right?


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#6 Red Wine

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Posted 01 April 2014 - 01:37 PM

You ladies are so strong. I hope everyone is blessed with their happy ending.

 

Life is unfair.

 

Hugs.


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#7 amandaTTC#2

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Posted 01 April 2014 - 02:04 PM

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories of compassion. You have me in tears. So sorry for your losses, both present and past.What strength it takes to see the goodness in others when surrounded by darkness.

As for the nurses, doctors, husbands and bosses you mention . . . these are the people we should all aspire to be.
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Me: 32 SO: 32
Endometriosis - undiagnosed until laparoscopy in Jan 2012

No problems TTC #1, DS born in March 2008

TTC #2 since July 2009
Started seeing RE Sept 2010
Blood tests show I'm not ovulating, HSG shows right tube is blocked but hysteroscopy was all clear.

2010/2011
4 cycles clomid + TI = BFN
2 cycles clomid, repronex & progesterone + IUI = BFN

Diagnostic Laparoscopy tentatively scheduled for September 13th.

Lap cancelled 09/12/11 due to complete surprise natural BFP, Betas fluctuating, confirmed ectopic. Methotrexate on September 29th.

Diagnostic Laparoscopy rescheduled for January 10th, 2012. Right tube removed, too damaged from the ectopic to save. Lots of endometriosis found and cleaned up.

IUI#3 was a miserable failure. Did not respond at all to repronex. Taking a cycle off before trying Gonal-F

Another natural BFP on April 5th (SO's birthday)!!! EDD December 12th, Cole Marshall arrived December 8th, 7lbs 6oz!


#8 JacMac

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Posted 01 April 2014 - 03:07 PM

I have to say in thankful for my husband and how he's been with me trough all of this. As well as my mom.

When I had my OHSS last year I was so large that I couldn't wash myself or wipe myself. My husband even stood up for me when a nurse suggested he get a psych consult for me to which he replied, "no, my wife is sick. She doesn't want to be here and if she wasn't sick she wouldn't be."
And when I had my miscarriage I was on the maternity ward and refused to set foot out of my room. I sent him for a warm blanket once and he came back to tell me that they asked him if he wanted a baby sized one, plus having to see all the parents in the hallway labouring.
I know that all of this was as hard on him as it was on me but he never placed blame or took his frustrations out on me.


I also had a few good nurses as well and I was so glad our OB was the one on call when we had our miscarriage. I've had some bad experiences with health care professionals in our community because of lack of knowledge and sensitivity around infertility.
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Me - now 36 Him - 37
Trying to conceive since our wedding day May 25, 2008.
Started Clomid Jan-April 2012.
Referred to RFP June 2012.
First consult at RFP November 2012.
First IVF cycle on antagonist protocol (GonalF, Luveris) January 2013.
Transferred two day-3 embryos, had severe OHSS, lost one twin between 7-13 weeks but was expecting one little one October 2013.
Found out at 6 mos that our little one had died weeks earlier and had to induce and deliver stillborn, July 25, 2013.
Something found on adrenal gland at follow up ultrasound, MRI showed what seems to be a benign tumor. Meeting with specialist Jan 8, 2014 - all fertility treatments on hold. :/
Tumour is definitely producing Aldosterone (causes high blood pressure) and Cortisol. Lucky me, only 34 similar cases recorded in the world! Tumour removed May 2014.
Approached about a possible adoption March 2014. Rush through all the paperwork and process.
Charlotte Evangeline born June 27, 2014. We brought her home on July 7 and held our breath for 10 days until she officially became ours.
Surprise BFP October 2014. Due to wonky cycles, ultrasounds convince Doctors I have a blighted ovum but detailed ultrasound reveals heartbeat at 6w3d. On progesterone support and waiting to see if pregnancy is still viable. Holding our breath again.
Adalyn Marie born on June 9, 2014 after a roller coaster pregnancy.

#9 quandry

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Posted 01 April 2014 - 05:26 PM

UGH.  Sitting here reading this, bawling of course.  You gals are all just some of the most amazing people I've been blessed with knowing, even if it's just virtually.  Thank you.  


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#10 Mazdagurl5

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Posted 06 April 2014 - 09:19 PM

I was so saddened to hear the news I can't believe it, I was still checking up on you ladies everyday on the Oct form. Are you going to try again? I'm still waiting on AF it will be exactly 1 month since my d&c tomorrow. I'm so nervous about doing a FET...this process is crazy! Take care
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Me 45 DH 33 Sept 1995 healthy DD TTC since 2009 3 IUI's BFN (long stories)Jan 13 2014, 25 DE retrieved 13 eggs fertilized, 10 with ICIS 11 embryos frozen Jan 16 2014 embryo transfer with two 8 cell excellent donor eggs1st beta Jan 28 249 2nd bet Jan 30 438 U/S Feb 18th @7w 3dU/S showed 6w and 115 hr? OB appointment March 5th @9w 3dNo heartbeat or growth M/C March 7th at 9w5d, babe stopped growing at 6w3dLining check May 19/14 11mm lining it's a go! Start progestrone oil shots ouch FET May 23rd transferred 2 blastsJune 2nd beta 2 BFNOnly 7 embies leftFET October 10th! Wow another BFN.After that transferred last remaining embies 2 made it low hcg, started bleeding went to the er saw sac all good. Following week bleed again all good but hcg over 30000 at 6 weeks. U/S 2 days later no heartbeat.Took a long break.June 2016 went to Pacific Northwest Fertility in Seattle Washington to use a donated embryo. FET 1 5day embryo on January 19th 2017, 1st beta 403, 2nd 1170. 1st u/s on February 15th. February 9th started to bleed with clots, went to er beta over 22000 said to follow up with Ob.May 3rd 2017 17.5 weeks today, heart rate 158 going for 20 week scan May23rd, can't wait boy or girl.Update July 6th 2017....it's a girlI have gestational diabetes now will be doing a clinic on the 11th.Due October 7th Being induced September 23rd........updates to come My beautiful daughter Olivia was born at 38 weeks 2 days weighing 6lbs 2oz via c-section on September 25th 2017 at 11:10pm.

#11 quandry

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Posted 07 April 2014 - 06:37 AM

Hondapaula - I always said this would be it for me.... But I just cannot leave it at this. So dh and I are looking at DE's... Not sure if we will use a us frozen supplier, or if we will travel overseas to do it.... It's tough to choose at all after all of our losses. But I know I want a child with dh, so this is really our only option....
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#12 lynblair

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Posted 10 April 2014 - 04:40 PM

This is such a great topic, I too have been in tears after reading all your stories.  The strength you have to get through what you have and to be able to be grateful for what you do have is so amazing and so touching, I am just so impressed.  There certainly are some people that just touch you and say and do the right things.  I wish they could know that their actions were felt genuinely and that they are good at what they do and that they make a difference.  It has made me think of all the people that were good to me during our difficult times, there are a few.  Like you others, DH was amazing, I don't think I could have stayed married to any other man after all we went through, and I can say we are so much better off now after our struggles.

 

The last dr to do my ET, was not my RE, but another one, Dr Roberts at PCRM.  After the transfer, he came to talk to me, and so kindly and warmly, put his arm on me and said that he really hoped this would be the one and that he thought I had been through enough.  I was so touched, I honestly thought he probably never even looked at my chart, but just popped the embryos back in.  He took the time to at least glance at my chart and make a genuine caring comment.  After being part of the "system" for so long you begin to wonder if the Dr think you are a lost cause or just see you as a #, it was so nice to be acknowledged for all I had endured, by someone who has likely seen much worse.  

 

When you are in the think of the loss and the ongoing devastating struggles to have a child, something that is just way to simple for so many, its hard to see the light.  But I did always try to remind myself that it could be worse.  Not taking away any of the grief, as it is a very hard hard time, it is so good to still remember that there are good people out there and good things in life.  

 

After reading this I want to send a letter to all the people that were good to me during that time.  And thank them for standing by!!  Man, this is emotional, I thought all my wounds were healed!  

 

Hugs to all you that have lost. 


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TTC: 4 years
Dx: Recurrent Miscarriages and Male Factor

Feb 2009: BFP - #1 miscarriage at ~ 6 weeks
May 2010: BFP - #2 miscarriage at ~ 6 weeks
October 2010: BFP - # 3 miscarriage at ~ 6 weeks
November to March: Clomid for 3 cycles - BFN
Work up for Recurrent Losses - All normals for me
April 2011: BFP - #4 Miscarriage at ~ 6 weeks
Diagnosed with Male Factor - Joined wonderful clinic in BC
May 2011 - Started IVF, delayed due to flare (lupron)
August 2011 - IVF #1 - 2 perfect embryos transfered (4 frosties) - BFN
October 2011 - Start FET, delayed by a month because of flare (lupron)
Jan 2012 - FET #1 - 2 perfect embryos - BFN
Feb 2012 - FET #2 - 1 perfect embyos, 1 50% expanded - BBFFN
Had 10 (or maybe more) embryos try to grow and no such luck yet??
Finished homestudy, waiting to be on the active list for private adoption is Alberta and USA.
May 2012: IVF #2 - 2 (3AA and 2AA) blasts transferred (3 frozen) - the wait begins.......
Mild OHSS symptoms (re)start on 6dp5dt
8dp5dt Hpt = BFP!!!!!!
10dp5dt - Beta #1 - 505
12dp5dt - Beta #2 - 1485 (doubling, yipee!)
Come on babies, please grow so we can meet you!
6w4d u/s - shows a twin pregnancy, but just one detectable heartbeat @113pbm.
7w4d u/s - 2 babies on board, measuring right on track, heartbeats @ 155 and 163.

12w3d - NT scan - all parts accounted for, measuring 12w3d and 12w2d, HB 149 and 147. Waving and kicking around.
21w3d - Anatomy scan #1 - both babies growing well and measuring 3-5 days ahead. 1lb1oz and 15 oz. Babes too busy to get all images.
22w2d - Anatomy scan #2 - babies doing great, still really active but all systems on mom and babies are looking good. 1lb2oz and 1lb1oz!!
28w4d - U/S - babies looking good, HB 150 and 154, measuring 28w6d and 2 lbs 12 oz.
32w1d - U/S - babies doing so great!! Measuring 4lb2oz and 4lb4oz, getting chubby cheaks. All systems are good to go, these babies look like they will be in momma for a while. We are so incredibly, incerdbly blessed and so in love.
34w2d - U/S - babies doing great, both very big at 4lb15oz and 5lb1oz. All measurements great.

35w6d - Admitted to hospital with high blood pressure.  NST great!!  2 cm dilated

36w1d - U/S - babies are doing good, saw one stick out its tongue.  Baby A measuring 5 lbs 3 oz and baby B measuring 5 lbs 14 oz.  

36w4d - Induction for high blood pressure.  3 cm dilated, MD broke water, 2 hours of hard labour with an epidural.  

Babies make it safe and sound, thank you universe and everyone.  

Baby A - Cierra was born at 5lbs 11 oz, and 16 minutes later Baby B, Emmett was born at 5 lb 1 oz. 

Momma got to take them back to her room with her.  We are so in love it hurts!  

Babies came home < 48 hours after delivery, we are so incredible blessed and grateful. 
 


#13 ilovemydogs

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Posted 12 September 2014 - 12:14 PM

The moments that stand out for me...

 

- The colleague who insisted on accompanying me to the ER when I was told to go and my boss for telling me to go right away and to forget about work. Neither of them knew I was pregnant until then.

- The next day at the clinic when I ended up bleeding all over my socks, one of the nurses brought me her spare pair so I could stay warm.

- I also had a nurse clean me up. I was so weak from being up all night and the cramping, I really appreciated the help.

- I was put into a special waiting room that had no pregnant women, babies or excited family members. There was only myself, DH and another woman who appeared to be going through something similar.

- Everything my husband has done for me. Especially at one point when we got on to an elevator. He put his arm around me and put my head to his shoulder. I knew there was something on there he didn't want me to see.


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#14 quandry

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Posted 12 September 2014 - 12:48 PM

ILMD - HUGS...  It's so strange in the middle of despair and hurt, to be able to look around and see things to be grateful for.  IT seems like we should just look at the world and be angry and bitter...  yet I knew and saw these things that touched me so deeply...  

 

When I got pregnant that time, I thought that if I lost this baby that I would be done, physically, emotionally, mentally.  I actually feared having a breakdown...  And it WAS tough.  Harder than I ever imagined...  but I made it through somehow.  And I am thankful for doing things the way I did, for having the support and love around me...  

 

I am so incredibly sorry that you are hurt...  and being hurt in your heart is so much harder than having a broken bone...  I cannot say that your heart will ever heal all the way, but somehow, with bandages, and bandaids, and lots of boo boo kisses, it will be whole, and it will love again, and function again without the searing pain...  and I hope that all your dreams will one day come true.

 

Sending you love and hugs, and healing.


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#15 gibasgirl

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Posted 13 September 2014 - 06:28 AM

That was so beautifully said, Quandry.
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#16 gracegirl

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Posted 13 September 2014 - 03:45 PM

Crying. Again.


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#17 ilovemydogs

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Posted 19 September 2014 - 07:33 PM

A couple of friends sent me flowers today. I am moved. They have also taken the time to see how I'm feeling, talk me through it. One has experienced a loss and shared her own experience, physically and emotionally. I can't even explain how much I appreciate everything these two women have done for me.


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#18 quandry

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Posted 20 September 2014 - 09:16 AM

That's wonderful ILMD...  For me flowers were a grim reminder.  I had a couple people send flowers, and I had to throw them out!  But the part that is the best to me about your story is that they were able to empathize  with you...  I only ever found real empathy and understanding here, as not many people I know have been through as much as we have.


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