This miscarriage has not been easy. Making the difficult decision not to do the DNC, I was worried... a little nervous of how it would go, but also that I was in some way steamrolling DH. I am so thankful that in the end, I found out that he was so thankful I went this route and couldn't imagine having a dnc either, with no baby to bury yet again... I am thankful that when our Little Robin was born that he sat there with me, in wonder, staring at their fingers and toes same as I did.
I am thankful that DH was there for me. REALLY there for me. I bled, a lot. I passed clots bigger than a softball every ten minutes for over an hour. I was a disaster. A mess. And DH? Ever time he'd clean the entire bathroom, never once being squeemish or acting put out. He literally just did what needed to be done. I always thought he'd pass out if he saw blood... he sorely proved me wrong. All I know is that my ex.. he would have left me to not only clean up on my own, but also to pass out from blood loss... and ambulance? He would have ben angry one had been called, and when I went he would have stayed home because he needed to sleep. My DH is amazing, and I just cannot believe how lucky I am.
For three days I was in a funk. I couldn't look at DH, I didn't want to be near him... And I know he just wanted to be near me, to take care of me, but I just couldn't. I couldn't even talk to him about it because I was so close to tears, or so angry that I was seriously looking around the house to break something. So instead of talking to him, I'd send him long texts, explaining that I just couldn't... and he never once complained. I was horrible to him, and he just loved me anyways. Really, DH is the best.
At the ER that night I had two fantastic nurses. One was mid thirties and just so down to earth yet compassionate. After the doctor did my internal and left, she told me to wait... She grabbed a warm cloth and cleaned my thighs... It was really just about one of the most compassionate things a nurse has ever done for me... I have tears standing in my eyes right now. I cannot even tell you how much I appreciated her help, and in a way love. The other nurse wanted to make sure that I was ok emotionally... Letting me know that it was ok to be sad, or angry or hurt... At one point she asked if I was in healthcare, saying there was just something about me that seemed very compassionate. When I told her I worked in a church and hoped one day to work as a chaplain at a hospital, she told me that I would be very good at it, she could just tell....
My boss... I cannot even begin... As said I work at a church... and he's been... just right? I am not a touchy feely type when it comes to loss. I really need time to process, and usually that is done on my own. My boss has managed to stay in touch, without being pushy or insisting on a phone call or anything. He sent messages to people for me, like our old church, letting them know what was going on. He asked my team not to contact me about anything work related, and has even offered me massive amounts of paid leave. HE really has just been amazingly supportive, in all the right ways. and for that I am incredibly thankful.
I know this business of loosing a baby is not easy. I know it's one of the hardest things a woman can do... and yet, I have found things amongst the rot that touches my heart in a way that is really touching. I am grateful to have been surrounded by loving, compassionate and understanding people...
I'd love it if anyone else would share their stories of gratitude. It's not easy sometimes to remember the moments of grace during these terrible times, but I for one need to cling to those.