13 replies to this topic

[Jenniflower9]

Hey Ladies,

In am in the midst of my 4th miscarriage and am wondering if my husbands behaviour is normal.
The last 3 he was so supportive and Caring but this one has been different, he seems as though he hates me.
He is ignoring me, hasn't asked if I'm ok hugged me or made me a meal. He got angry that while I was home cramping ad bleeding I hadn't done his dishes.
I am so hurt, confused, sad and lost.... I don't expect him to wait on me hand and foot but through this 4 years of trying and failing and meds and pokes and Prods and surgeries and losses and ups and downs I thought maybe a thank you honey for putting yourself through this for us... Or some support during a loss, I have thanked him for his support and love almost weekly but not once has be thanked me. And now when I need the most support he is vacant. I truly felt today as ifhe hates me his eyes are vacant and angry.

Any advice would be welcome ;(

[Red Wine]

I'm quite confident that your husband does feel sad about the loss too even though he isn't acting like it. Sometimes the journey seems a lot more about the women b/c we are being poked and prodded, but he is sad too. I would just give him so time b/c he'll come around especially since he has been supportive in the past.

 

Sorry to hear about your losses.

[lisserb]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through yet another loss.  Big hugs to you for that.  I'm sorry too that your husband is reacting this way. It is the last thing you need.  I doubt very much it is you he is angry with though, I think it is more that he is so angry at the situation that he no longer knows how to cope with it.  

 

When I had my ectopic loss, my husband reacted much the same way.  He didn't come to the hospital while I was going through the surgery or recovery, he was distant, unemotional, curt with me, and made me feel like I shouldn't be grieving or in physical pain.  He literally turned away from me while I was crying my first night home from the hospital.  I found out later from his mom that the night that I was in the hospital, he broke down and sobbed for a long time.  He internalized our struggles for so long, he didn't know how to let me know he was hurting too.  

 

I hope that your husband does come around for you.  Unless he outright says he's upset with you though, try not to take it personally. He likely is trying to find a way to deal with his own emotions.  

 

*hugs*

[Jenniflower9]

Thank you ladies I hope this turns around..... X

[gibasgirl]

Hello Jenniflower9,

I am so sorry for your losses, too.

In our society boys and men are not always given the proper tools for expressing their emotions; they are taught to be strong & bottle it up. So when they have a crisis, they don't always have the tools to constructively express them. It is a new language for them.

It sounds in part as though he is hurting and not handling it well. Turning it on you is not constructive or helpful for either of you, of course. It also sounds like something else may be troubling him and it is starting to bleed into the sanctuary of your relationship.

Seeing a therapist who specialises in infertility would help. My husband and I benefitted a great deal when we hit a roadblock while TTC. A good therapist can open the doorway to some constructive and healthful conversatiins. It will help both of you appreciate the other's point of view and fully grasp how each person's actions/reactions influence the other.

Your clinic may have a therapist on their staff, or that they refer patients to.

Wishing you better days ahead.

[impatient]

Maybe it's hit him that the first three weren't random and he's trying to take it in that there's a problem and deal with the grief.

 

My DH was very slow to understand the situation and sometimes it felt like he wasn't supportive because he was in a different space from me.  He would work over-time so that he didn't have to think about it, and of course, that made me feel like he wasn't there for me.

 

Hope it's all temporary.  Counselling can help sometimes if you see the right person.

[ollie2013]

i definitely recommend going to talk to someone.. or joining a support group with other couples in the same situation.

 

my husband and i are doing the same thing right now.. I did have an ectopic with him before i was married ( i was 23).. he was really supportive but i think now he is getting tired of me always crying and feelng sorry for myself.

 

sometimes i just feel like he should divorce me.. we havent even been married a  year but i will never be able to have kids.. he is 30, he still has time to go out and meet someone new..

 

often i just feel like a dead weight..talking to someone is starting to help a little...my therapist says that happiness takes work and if you dont work at it, it wont just happen.. i still have to figure out a way to work towards happiness..

 

i wish you only the very best.. if you ever need to talk about anything you can always message me

[Jenniflower9]

We have done therapy before me especially as I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression.  That worked although he tends to shut down at times.  I emailed his Mom today and just asked her what she thought since this is so out of character and she said he has been avoiding her too.  She is going to email him and see if she can get him to open up.  We usually come together in times of crisis and this last year has been full of it.  We lost 3 out of our 4 pregnancies, my Grandmother, our Dog, we are broke and now here we are thinking maybe the new year would be better and its been another slap in the face.  This time though I feel alone.

It seems to me thinking about it now that he started to get angry and pull away last night after I emailed him about meeting my parents tonight about us starting injectables and IUI.  We have been on a break since last July and thsi was our first pregnancy in almost a year.  We agreed that in the new year we would start injectables and IUI after doing 3 rounds of clomid and IUI last year.

When I sent him the cost and said we need to meet them to see how uch my parents can help with he started to turn.  I wonder if its the cost of this???

I am so afraid of pushing for this and if it doesnt work where does my relationship stand, where do we go from there???  He may resent me more....  I am so lost.....

[Karolinasmommy]

I’m going to say what everyone else said and say “go seek therapy”. However, there are times when this might not always work…or one of you won’t be as receptive as what therapy brings out.

 

In my marriage – we did everything and yet we still ended up torn and at opposite ends.

 

Like you, I never received a thank you. Never received support. I grieved on my own – left alone screaming and crying for my lost baby….all the while he involved himself in his work/computer games, putting on headphones to drowned me out. I ate dinners alone. I begged for him to come with me to early morning bloodwork and ultrasounds – he didn’t come. When things didn’t work out, I begged again for him to come to the appointment to chat with the doctor – he didn’t come.  Making me feel like I was “too much to handle at times”. At the end, I was left alone and bitter…dealing with all this infertility stuff on my own. Shut out by the very person I gave my heart to. I was heartbroken…and then…like the stages of my grief…I stood up and started dusting myself off…alone.

 

I walked away from this marriage and am slowly building the pieces that shattered in me in my marriage…my lost Daughter, my anxieties around infertility and the ability to sustain a pregnancy and the idea to love again without getting damaged.

 

I’m not saying that you guys are going to break up…I definitely do not want you taking it that way. What I will say is that all these feelings need to be addressed and communicated to him in a very serious manner. Because if you are unhappy and not moving forward together in this, than you are going to be left alone and bitter…and let me tell you that is not a marriage you will enjoy being in.

 

Work at this, I think he’s just fed up with the disappointment and not knowing what or how to react to you.

 

If you ever need to chat, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

 

Best of luck!

 

D

[lisserb]

I would give him a little time to sort through his own thoughts and emotions, but don't let it go completely.  He does need to talk to you about this.  

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you emailed him about moving forward with the next step while you were in the midst of this miscarriage?  Maybe he felt like you didn't need or want support this time, and were brushing this one off to move ahead?  Just speculation on my part.  

 

You'll likely need to give your body a full cycle to recover from this loss, so maybe concentrate on getting better and allowing yourself the grief period you need, and then approach him again with moving forward.  I hope he will be more receptive to it next time.

 

Also, just from my own personal experience, I would suggest that you get some repeat pregnancy loss testing before moving ahead.  I had an undiagnosed clotting disorder that may have caused me to lose at least two pregnancies.  I am on a treatment regime with blood thinners for my current pregnancy and this time I am carrying a healthy baby.  I would strongly suggest thrombophilia and anitbody screenings before putting any more money into treatments.  If there is a cause for the losses, there may be an easy treatment for them too.  

 

Good Luck and sending you lots of thoughts and hugs. 

[Triscuit]

I think men just handle things differently.  I don't think its ok, but I have gone through similar with my DH.  I know with my DH, he takes more time to process his emotions and where I will somewhat shut down and be quiet if I am sad or worried, he expresses his emotions with anger and distance.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

[SmallWonder]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like he is going through his own pain too. The hardest part of all of this is learning to grieve together. We are the ones physically going through the process of shots, ultrasounds, getting pregnant, miscarrying in some cases, and I think they can feel somewhat disconnected from the process, and powerless to do anything to help along the way.

I find myself depressed and unhappy too. Today it feels like my marriage is ending.

[Nope]

Just a suggestion.... Would it be an option to for you to put off the fertility stuff (including trying on your own) for, say, a year? Just so that you can give your body a break, your finances some time to recover and an opportunity for you to reevaluate your relationship?

Yes, infertility blows but how will he respond if even heavier issues come into your lives? You need to know that.

[Jenniflower9]

All the advice is so right and true.

I took the first steps to get into therapy for myself which has always been a huge success for me.  If things dont improve with him he will have to go too.  Its been better but we are still in a funk....

On the plus side I started a gratuity journal which is really helping me to just remember the little things to be thankful for.  I am seeing a change if my attitude from this, like just looking at a cup of coffee and feeling thankful I can afford it....

I also start my first month of Gonal F with IUI this month, tomorrow night to be exact.

 

Wish me luck!!!  I send it your way too ladies!!!!!