21 replies to this topic

[Lorien]

What to do when your good friend, who has similar infertility concerns, announces she's pregnant and apologizes to you?

 

I'm so very, very happy and pleased that she was able to naturally get pregnant with little problem but am sad I am not experiencing the journey also.

[ilovemydogs]

I've been in this situation several times. I've had several friends who have required IVF, IUI, medication or many years of trying (I happen to know a very unlucky crowd). I am happy that it happens to them but it's totally natural to feel left out, left behind. For me, it's not "why them?" it's "why not me?" Always seems to happen at the worst time (BFN or bad news). Have some good cries if it helps and figure out how much you are able to support her without hurting yourself too much. I've been lucky as I've been able to be quite supportive, but not everyone is able to do that. It's hard because she clearly has some guilt as well. All the best to you in your situation.

[impatient]

Brace yourself for change.  If she's apologizing now, it's possible that she'll find it hard to be around you as she gets bigger and then also when the baby arrives.  Infertility amnesia is real.  (Although hopefully she's the exception!)

 

I personally found it easier to stay balanced and more empathetic in those situations by remembering that miscarriages and other pregnancy complications do happen, and that the stress is not over at conception.  Maybe it sounds weird to some people, but for me, it works.  Two sets of our siblings had serious complications around the same time, so that was a big eye opener for me.

[Lorien]

Impatient, I hear what you are saying and it made me feel guilty for even thinking about the possibility she could miscarry. When she told me she said she was scared stiff of what may come. I feel horrible having even thought about it. All I could do to comfort her was to tell her to just take it day by day and enjoy every moment.

 

On the guilty train, I am so angry at myself for being jealous. As I was laying in bed later and alI could think about was that it seemed so unfair that they should have no problems when they have all the money in the world (seemingly to me at this moment) for fertility costs and have no need for any of it. All the while my husband and I struggle constantly to pull together enough money for our treatments.

 

And now I mad at myself for all those thoughts and sad because I am happy for my friend and upset because its just once more kick in the pants that I should be able to celebrate my good friends news and happiness with out all the negative emotions, and can't. 

 

Argh, and now I just ant to get over it all and put it, the guilt over my negativity behind me and move on.  

Okay...this is me getting over it all

[GraceM]

You are allowed to feel upset for yourself.  It might be worth getting some counselling.   

 

I have been in this situation as the lucky person who got pregnant while my friends struggled.  I felt so guilty and I still feel guilty to this day though not as strongly as I did before.  I had a very complicated pregnancy and it was very stressful.    I did apologize to my friends and I did offer them "outs" all the time on seeing me, attending a baby shower etc….  But, to their credit, they were very supportive and our friendship stands today.  

[gibasgirl]

I read an article about this on the Resolve (an infertility support and advocacy organisation in the United States) website.

Some of the points raised may prove helpful. Your feelings are real, you are not bad for feeling them and it is not uncommon for women experiencing infertility to feel this way.

http://www.resolve.o...ty-friends.html

All the best.

[gibasgirl]

I juat read the following on FB.

"Remember: feelings are indicators, not dictators. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment but that doesn't mean they have the right to boss you around. You are more than the sum total of your feelings!"

It touched me because through all of this there are times when the weight of the struggle pulls down and it is hard to get past the feelings.

Anyway, you are among friends here.

[rokgerl]

What you are feeling is completely normal. It's the unfortunate thing that us who struggle have to deal with. You know you should feel happy but you just can't bring yourself up to it. And then you end up feeling guilty for being jealous and feeling lousy - it's our reality but it IS normal. Trust me.

Hopefully it will subside over time...you may even realize as time goes by that it's only little "triggers" that get to you. For example, my trigger was hearing about pregnancy announcement, but not the actual birth or existence of the baby. It KILLED me to hear that someone was pregnant...but hearing about the baby arriving or even visiting baby afterwards didn't bother me nearly as much. Even now, after having my own, I still get super jealous of people who announce they are pregnant (probably because I know that it most likely didn't take them long to find out...ah to feel nthat naive again). Of course, my attitude also depended on the pregnant person. If she was one of those people who only talked about pregnancy non-stop I would feel those pains and stings too, but if someone went along as a normal person (ie: didn't expect the world to revolve around them) then I was fine. But I'm like that anyway - can't stand people who are self involved, pregnant or not.

Just make sure that you don't push yourself into things...if you don't want to do something with her one night because your feelings of jealousy/guilt then don't. Even if it means cancelling the day of. Take time to deal with the feelings vs push them under, grin and bear it, and put yourself through a situation where it will make you feel worse. There were times where I just had to be reclusive for a bit, usually after a loss or during times when I was going through ivf, and it really helped me get a handle on my feelings and gain perspective of what I wanted out of life and how I wanted to live it - with or without children.

Best of luck to you.

[frostedlemon]

It's so hard to have such conflicting feelings. I absolutely hate the person I am because I am not by nature a selfish or negative person and sometimes I feel like IF has made me into one when I feel that way.

 

Recently one of my closest friends told me she's pregnant. She had trouble having her first (as in it took a while and she had a m/c, but nothing major) and they decided to start trying because of that. The kicker is that we would have been really close together, except I lost mine before she even knew about hers, and I'd just gotten a BFN for my next cycle. I admit I was not happy at all at first, but when she apologized and said that she understood if I didn't want to talk to her anymore, I decided that I definitely didn't want that to happen and that I would take myself out of the equation and focus on her. And it's working. I'm still sad for me deep down, but it really has nothing to do with her. I think it helped that she acknowledged my side of things, which is sort of a selfish thing to expect, but for some reason it helps me to know that others know what I'm feeling. And we agreed to be totally honest, that if I was having a rough day and it would be too much to talk about, to let her know. I realize that it can't work in all situations, but it's helped me, and I sort of feel like doing that for her has helped me do that for everyone else I know who are also pregnant that I was hurting about.

 

I kind of feel like I have survivor's guilt. I feel guilty that I had a relatively easy time of it, I feel guilty because I have a chance at another (although sometimes I wonder), so although I'm sure she's super happy, I bet there's a bit of that there too.

 

Good luck. This is a great place to vent out things you're feeling and can't say to her face while you're being a good friend and supportive. It's a tough spot to be in, especially if it's not just someone you mostly see on FB and can hide your feelings easily.

[impatient]

Jealousy is a normal human emotion.  I think if you fight it, it could eat you up.  If you just go with it, admit it to yourself ... and maybe even to your friend if it comes up, then it might be easier to just go with the flow and get through it faster.

 

A story that I've told before on this site, but I'll tell again because it could be relevant:

 

A good friend of mine got pregnant on her first try with no complications at age 39.  Meanwhile, I had struggled with fertility treatments since age 35, and at the time was getting extremely frustrated with the adoption application process.  I couldn't handle talking with her about her pregnancy, so I would talk about my DH, and also about our house, which we had just bought and were renovating.  What I didn't realize, and only found out later, was that she was going through relationship issues and serious financial troubles.  So, the whole time that I was focused on easing my own jealous emotions, I was actually, without knowing it, rubbing salt in my friend's wounds.  (And the irony is - she was probably talking about her pregnancy so much because it was the one positive thing in her very stressful life.)

 

Just saying that it's easy to get focused on everything from your own perspective, but it's important to not get too wrapped up in it.

[impatient]

   Gibasgirl - I love your posts.  You always have awesome advice and words of wisdom. 

[Lorien]

Thanks everyone for the post.

 

My friend is an amazing person who I would never turn away from no matter what. I feel like I can tell her my feelings and that she will not be offended. And like Impatient has said, you just never know the other side unless you're willing to put your own feelings aside and listen. 

 

It's such a relief to be able to say the things I feel on this forum and get the support from people who understand and don't have that family connection where they feel the need to solve things for you or guilt over your suffering.

 

Thanks Ladies!

[gibasgirl]

   Gibasgirl - I love your posts.  You always have awesome advice and words of wisdom. 

I was thinking the same thing about your posts.

*blush*

[frostedlemon]

 

   Gibasgirl - I love your posts.  You always have awesome advice and words of wisdom. 

I was thinking the same thing about your posts.

*blush*

 

 

I think the same about both of you's posts. Is that correct grammar? That sounds awful. Both of your's? Yours's? Yous's?

 

How about: I think the same about posts from both of you.

[gibasgirl]

 

   Gibasgirl - I love your posts.  You always have awesome advice and words of wisdom. 

I was thinking the same thing about your posts.

*blush*
 

 
I think the same about both of you's posts. Is that correct grammar? That sounds awful. Both of your's? Yours's? Yous's?
 
How about: I think the same about posts from both of you.

It looks like we have a mutual admiration society building. I love your posts, FL. You have such great insight, too.

Yooooz guys.

[impatient]

Awww ....   love fest all round. 

[juice]

I juat read the following on FB.

"Remember: feelings are indicators, not dictators. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment but that doesn't mean they have the right to boss you around. You are more than the sum total of your feelings!"

It touched me because through all of this there are times when the weight of the struggle pulls down and it is hard to get past the feelings.

Anyway, you are among friends here.

I'm pretty sure I DO let me feelings boss me around... sigh.

[gibasgirl]

I juat read the following on FB.
"Remember: feelings are indicators, not dictators. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment but that doesn't mean they have the right to boss you around. You are more than the sum total of your feelings!"
It touched me because through all of this there are times when the weight of the struggle pulls down and it is hard to get past the feelings.
Anyway, you are among friends here.

I'm pretty sure I DO let me feelings boss me around... sigh.

You are not alone there. Cost of being human.

[Clairey]

This is always a very hard situation. Hugs to you.

My own perspective for people who had been travelling the same bumpy and heartbreaking journey was that it was easier to feel joy and relief for them and their pain to end, because I wanted the same so much for myself. This doesn't mean I didn't have tears or that it was easy. It's kind of like how I felt to read here that a poster who had been through hell and back was expecting a baby. In my heart I wanted to be that person and felt like supporting my "infertility sisters" was critical hoping that the same would happen to me one day, I would deserve it, and I would hope people could celebrate for and with me should I ever be so lucky.

I cried in private and in public tried to put good karma back out there in the world... year after year.

That's just me. And that's what I would repeat to myself on hard days.

Also it sounds like this girl is the type of very dear friend that we all wish we had or that we cherish when others just aren't the type of friend we need in hard times. She is likely quaking with her news and hoping her pregnancy will work out, at the same time as feeling sad for you and wishing your circumstances could be the very same. Sounds like you have been good cheerleaders to each other and I bet she will be one of your biggest cheerleaders one day when it is your turn

Still give yourself all permission to grieve, hide, and associate with those in your life when it is best for you and your journey. And remember that this site is a wondrous thing too! Hang in there

[MrsBR]

I'm struggling with the fact that everyone I know personally who has gone through ivf had success on first or second try at the most. But here I am still struggling, with no friends who really get what it's like to go through this for months and months. To make it worse I have friends who got pregnant at exactly the same time I should have, with every transfer. So everyone around me has the exact time frame of pregnancy I was supposed to have...

[ilovemydogs]

I'm struggling with the fact that everyone I know personally who has gone through ivf had success on first or second try at the most. But here I am still struggling, with no friends who really get what it's like to go through this for months and months. To make it worse I have friends who got pregnant at exactly the same time I should have, with every transfer. So everyone around me has the exact time frame of pregnancy I was supposed to have...

 

I feel for you. For me, I get the announcements either around a BFN or a major setback like surgery. Now that I've had both a BFN and possible major setback, just waiting for them to start rolling in.

[JacMac]

I knew it was coming but one of my fertility support group members announced her twin pregnancy today. It was pretty much a year ago that we found out we were expecting twins. At least three or four members of our group are pregnant on their first try or first FET or miraculously had a natural pregnancy just before they went for treatment.
We made friends with two couples while on our honeymoon almost six years ago, both couples have kids and one set just had their second.

Meanwhile we're still in limbo land waiting for surgery, sigh. It all just depresses me more.