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ive been asked to be a surrogate father.

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#1 g20raff

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 02:08 PM

Hi There,

 

I am completely new to this forum and topic.

 

I have been approached by a good friend of mine that i have known for 5 years and worked together in the past to be a surrogate dad for her.

 

She has begged me to help her have a child and then to become anonymous so that she can be a single parent.

 

she is close to 40 and doesn't have any children and she knows that she will never be able to have one without me, she wants me to father this child.

 

please advise as i would like to help but i don't know any of the laws required by Ontario Canada .

 

any help would be much appreciated as i don't want to make a mistake for the future.

 

please help

 

thanks,



#2 SherryLevitan

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 03:43 PM

Hi,

Sounds like your friend has asked you to be a sperm donor, and that she doesn't want you to retain any parental rights. Is that acceptable to you? Are you willing to allow her to parent the child without you? If so, you need to ensure that your rights are protected as well, so that you minimize the possibility of being held responsible for child support later on.

The two of you need to spend some time discussing how you want this to work, and you both need to ask some hard questions. Will the child know that you are his/her father? Will you have any contact? Can this woman choose to live in another city or country? If she starts a new relationship, can her partner adopt the child? Those are just a few of the questions that need to be discussed.

If you think that there is enough common ground to move forward, you will have to book an appointment with a physician for screening, and book an appointment with a lawyer to get some legal advice. It is perfectly legal, and certainly normal operating procedure, for your friend to pay for your out of pocket expenses. Make sure you get some good advice so that there won't be any nasty surprises later.
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#3 ebonyglare

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Posted 05 November 2013 - 05:36 PM

Sherry - would his agreement change if they conceive using "natural conception" or if they use assisted reproductive techniques?


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#4 g20raff

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 08:27 AM

Thanks so much for these details that i never even thought of.

 

sherry,

Your suggestions are completely logical, The only way is to discus this in front of a lawyer. 

 

I've never asked but i believe that a natural conception is the way she is looking for the child to be conceived.

For me its a great honour as i have never been in a situation like this before.

 

After speaking and getting some consultation from friends they had advised me that in the future i would be on the hook for child support in Ontario. The FRO (family responsibility office)agency doesn't care about arrangements regarding the parents they only care about the child and the support for that child.

 

i am in no way shape or form ready to handle that financial and parental responsibility but she has made me feel like i would be giving her the gift that she would appreciate for life.

 

i  want to help her as i know her very well and she has had some bad luck with relationships, she is eager to have a child and has stressed that my demeanour and how i am is and the way i look fit perfectly in what she is looking for in a man and someone to have a child with.

 

im stressing over this issue and i really don't know what to do..... i don't want to have issues with this extremely serious issue.

She states that im really over looking things and that i should just help her and then to go but i don't think that this method would be wise of me.

 

thanks and i appreciate the advise

 

cheers !



#5 JacMac

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 10:51 AM

You are smart to protect yourself. I don't think you're overthinking things at all. Knowingly bringing a child in to the world is different than a one night stand in the bar and an oops, especially if it's more of a business proposal. Definitely you should think about these things, you don't want her coming back to you for child support after saying she wanted to raise the child on h own. Peplum are funny animals in that our positions on things are ever changing and what ex believe now is not what we may believe later.
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Trying to conceive since our wedding day May 25, 2008.
Started Clomid Jan-April 2012.
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Found out at 6 mos that our little one had died weeks earlier and had to induce and deliver stillborn, July 25, 2013.
Something found on adrenal gland at follow up ultrasound, MRI showed what seems to be a benign tumor. Meeting with specialist Jan 8, 2014 - all fertility treatments on hold. :/
Tumour is definitely producing Aldosterone (causes high blood pressure) and Cortisol. Lucky me, only 34 similar cases recorded in the world! Tumour removed May 2014.
Approached about a possible adoption March 2014. Rush through all the paperwork and process.
Charlotte Evangeline born June 27, 2014. We brought her home on July 7 and held our breath for 10 days until she officially became ours.
Surprise BFP October 2014. Due to wonky cycles, ultrasounds convince Doctors I have a blighted ovum but detailed ultrasound reveals heartbeat at 6w3d. On progesterone support and waiting to see if pregnancy is still viable. Holding our breath again.
Adalyn Marie born on June 9, 2014 after a roller coaster pregnancy.

#6 g20raff

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 11:12 AM

Thanks JacMac,

 

I almost feel obligated now to do this and it weighing heavily on my mind that if i decide not to, that it is because of me that she hasnt fulfilled a void in her life of having a child..

 

i kind of wish she never asked me this.....

 

But i can honestly say that i would feel grateful to help her fulfil her wishes and to know its because of me i have granted the greatest gift...

 

you guys are great in guiding me along this dizzy journey...



#7 Beth83

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 11:16 AM

I've never asked but i believe that a natural conception is the way she is looking for the child to be conceived.

For me its a great honour as i have never been in a situation like this before.

 

 

The fact that you are looking at this as a 'great honour' shows that you are already emotionally attached to the situation and that could prove to be a problem in the future should you give up all rights to said baby.  Adding to that could be the the emotional and physical element of conceiving the baby and then watching this woman grow your child inside of her.

I have no legal opinion on this but it really seems like she wants a sperm donor, not a surrogate, and is willing to lose your friendship in order to get what she wants.  She is using your good nature to sway you to do something for her and this type of hurt could stay with you for life.  

 

Remember that there are other ways for you to support her throughout her journey of becoming pregnant.  Go to appointments with her, help educate her on sperm donor programs, etc.  Please be extremely cautious as some people in life are takers and are only out for their own gain.


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#8 g20raff

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 11:25 AM

Beth,

 

I think you are correct with the emotion part of it.

 

I don't think that i could do this with just a stranger also after reading what you wrote that im not 100% sure that i could live knowing that there is a child out there that im not a part of...

 

This is a huge dilemma that is crossing my mind and i don't want to live a life of wondering.... but by no means am i in love with her in a way that i could spend my life with nor am i ready to handle a family....

 

After listening to all your comments and advise i am strongly thinking that this may not be the best choice for me but i know that i would be disappointing her with this news..

 

I will be thinking of how i had the chance to make a wish come true for someone else because of me and that is so completely rewarding but im scared to think of the future and how i can handle it.... i might be OK but i might not be ..... so i am totally unsure and confused...

 

thanks so much ..... super good advise and opinion.



#9 Cassandra_Angela

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 12:08 PM

Someone please correct me if I'm wrong but would an IUI with donor sperm not be fairly similar to the cost of legal fees and medical work ups etc by using g20raff as the known doner?

I may be far off base but I am wondering if perhaps your friend has a romanticized mental picture about what would happen... would she get pregnant and raise the baby with you as a support system only to have you fall in love and live happily ever after like they do in the movies.


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#10 amandaTTC#2

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 02:49 PM

One way you could support your friend could be to direct her to the IVF & Single Parenting or Donor & Surrogacy sections of this forum so she can get some more accurate information. From what you have described it sounds like she has in mind what the media potrays as donor / surrogacy situations. While it makes for a funny movie, there are a lot of complications in real life. It sounds like you are more aware of this and can certainly be there for her as a friend if you are not comfortable as a donor, while she pursues other options.

If you decide to go ahead, make it conditional on a lawyer and possibly counselling for you both before hand. Best of luck!
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#11 My_time

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 03:22 PM

wow, you are a kind person. I have never seen a man feeling guilty of not fulfilling a woman's dream and void in her life when that woman is not his girl. :) Good luck with your decision whatever that may be. :)
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#12 g20raff

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 03:43 PM

I had advsied her of the IVF treatment so that she can get what she wants ...without bothering me (LOL)...

 

but its me she wants it from and she doesnt have the funds to do that process.... but more its about having one with me and to have my genes.... guys i know this all "days of our lives" but for me its real and im really troubled by it..

 

I really dont think im going to go through with it as im not 100% secure about the future.. i dont need a child trying to find his daddy when im living in the same area...... i feel bad thinking about this but what if she doesnt have any kids ever because i am not offering what i have to give..

 

this is really tough, but i think im going to have to decline her and stop being a friend... Never did i have any idea that this was what she was looking for.... 

 

my safe bet would be to run like the wind and just close this chapter in my life..... Even in saying that, i think im trying to find a way for this to work..

 

ouch this one is extremely hard to deal with... im totally dizzy today !!!!



#13 JacMac

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 03:47 PM

She doesn't need to do IVF, she can do an intrauterine insemination (IUI) with donor sperm, which would most likely be a few thousand dollars. If she can't raise the funds for an IUI then I would think she's not prepared to be a parent. 

 

I think that the way in which she's playing on your emotions isn't fair and it isn't setting this situation up for success. I would be very cautious if you do move forward by having counseling and definitely getting a lawyer. 


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Me - now 36 Him - 37
Trying to conceive since our wedding day May 25, 2008.
Started Clomid Jan-April 2012.
Referred to RFP June 2012.
First consult at RFP November 2012.
First IVF cycle on antagonist protocol (GonalF, Luveris) January 2013.
Transferred two day-3 embryos, had severe OHSS, lost one twin between 7-13 weeks but was expecting one little one October 2013.
Found out at 6 mos that our little one had died weeks earlier and had to induce and deliver stillborn, July 25, 2013.
Something found on adrenal gland at follow up ultrasound, MRI showed what seems to be a benign tumor. Meeting with specialist Jan 8, 2014 - all fertility treatments on hold. :/
Tumour is definitely producing Aldosterone (causes high blood pressure) and Cortisol. Lucky me, only 34 similar cases recorded in the world! Tumour removed May 2014.
Approached about a possible adoption March 2014. Rush through all the paperwork and process.
Charlotte Evangeline born June 27, 2014. We brought her home on July 7 and held our breath for 10 days until she officially became ours.
Surprise BFP October 2014. Due to wonky cycles, ultrasounds convince Doctors I have a blighted ovum but detailed ultrasound reveals heartbeat at 6w3d. On progesterone support and waiting to see if pregnancy is still viable. Holding our breath again.
Adalyn Marie born on June 9, 2014 after a roller coaster pregnancy.

#14 Cassandra_Angela

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 06:18 PM

As flattering as it may be you are not her final means of becoming a parent and you should not burden yourself with guilt if you say no. You took the time to carefully think and weigh your options, that alone is more then many would do.


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#15 vball_gal

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Posted 06 November 2013 - 07:42 PM

The biggest issue I have here is that she has indicated she doesn't have the funds to go through a more formal process.    As JacMac indicated how is she suppose to support a baby then?    I get the feeling she had no intentions of involving lawyers (note both of you need separate lawyers to represent each of you) as this would cost several thousands of dollars on her part.   I'd be extremely concerned about her coming to you for child support, though ironically it also means you can exercise your rights to be a parent one day because she hasn't protected herself either.

 

If someone really wants to be a mother and they know time is ticking down they would be approaching this issue with far more formality than trying to use your friendship for manipulation and making you feel guilty as if you are her only hope.

 

If you want to consider pursuing this with her make sure you confront her with the tough decisions.   If she turns down the use of lawyers, if she turns down using IUI instead of natural conception, if she turns down counseling then I think you already have the answers you need to say no to her.  Good luck with this, it's always a tricky situation but in the end do what's best for you.


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#16 g20raff

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Posted 07 November 2013 - 12:14 PM

thanks so much guys for all your great advice.

 

im really hung on this choice but the more i really think of it the more it sounds "too good to be true"

 

i really appreciate everyone opinion and honesty ... i feel extremely lucky to have found this forum..

 

i advised her of lawyers last night and she was under the impression to just " get it done" and worry about it later... I think the reality of the face of IVF for her is that she wants the natural way of having it done as she has no fertility issues.... she thinks ... she is quite religious and i think that this also may be a reason for it to be done naturally.

 

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#17 vball_gal

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Posted 07 November 2013 - 12:20 PM

Is she aware of the difference between IVF and IUI?    I ask because you mentioned her religious concerns which is very much an issue with IVF due to the increased number of eggs produced and unused embryos.  With IUI (the "turkey" baster approach) the fertilization is still left up to her own body so it's not as "unnatural".


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#18 g20raff

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Posted 07 November 2013 - 01:45 PM

i wasn't aware of IUI but i dont get the impression that she is interested in anything done by a doctor. NATURAL ONLY...

 

she wants me and she wants a man like me as she states. she is getting old (37) and she is from another Country...She is a citizen here and also working and finishing nursing school.

 

She has purchased a home on her own and i really admire her...

 

We have a great relationship..... She really never expected not to be a mother by this age.. i can kind of understand her train or thought and how she feels..... She really seems desperate to do this NOW.... i have a suspicion that she wants this for schooling issues.... as a nurse it is required that she has to do a 3 month term in a hospital environment and by doing that she would not be able to work meaning that she could not do both.

 

With having a maternity leave opens the door for her to finish school..... so i have really studied this situation and i have to confront her with my suspicion....

 

I really feel like if that the case ive got even more pressure but having a child is no joke...



#19 My_time

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Posted 07 November 2013 - 01:57 PM

She sounds like a nice girl - one who has watched "Friends with Kids" and thinks that hollywood can be repeated in the real life.

Too bad you two are not romantically interested in one another, as it seems you both think highly of each others' personalities :)

She may geniuenly never bother you with the child but if you decide to go for it, you need to be ready for what ifs. Relationships change in time and she may change her views in the future even if solely for the sake of the child.

I would try to have a child even if I was single too and although I wouldn't ask a person I know; so I kind of relate to her.
I do hope she reaches her wishes and at the same time you find the right thing to do for you.

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#20 Cassandra_Angela

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Posted 07 November 2013 - 02:30 PM

I am curious to know why religion would be a factor for her when it comes to artificial means but not sex outside of marriage or creating a child with the intent of raising it in a single parent household.


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#21 g20raff

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Posted 07 November 2013 - 03:11 PM

i really have never met anyone who has struggled in life and has got ahead with a smile always.. Nothing seems to phase her, she is one tough chick !  no matter what, nothing seems to stick to her... 

 

unbelievable woman.... 

 

Extremely intelligent.... that is what leads me to believe its about finishing her school.



#22 g20raff

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Posted 07 November 2013 - 03:14 PM

supermom.... i have thought the exact same thing and this is the reason why i am trying to make sure that what she states is true and this forum is helping me allot 

 

i am having all your opinions and making my decision a little more resourceful and helpful 



#23 Red Wine

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Posted 07 November 2013 - 10:33 PM

I've read this whole thread and I think that what your friend is asking of you is very unreasonable and selfish.  The fact that she doesn't want to get a lawyer involved is another red flag.  When people don't want to take the proper steps to accomplish their end goal shows that the person has some kind of agenda.  If your friend truly wanted to get pregnant and have a child then she would go about this the correct way, otherwise, you will be paying the price for the birth of a possible child of yours.

 

Religion says no sex before marriage.  Religion is against IVF and I'm not sure what the religious stance is on IUI.  

 

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#24 JacMac

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Posted 08 November 2013 - 02:32 AM

I don't think all people who are religious are against it. I come from a family of ministers on both sides and everyone has been super supportive so far and on my father's side a number of my cousins have pursued ARTs as well to get pregnant.
Me - now 36 Him - 37
Trying to conceive since our wedding day May 25, 2008.
Started Clomid Jan-April 2012.
Referred to RFP June 2012.
First consult at RFP November 2012.
First IVF cycle on antagonist protocol (GonalF, Luveris) January 2013.
Transferred two day-3 embryos, had severe OHSS, lost one twin between 7-13 weeks but was expecting one little one October 2013.
Found out at 6 mos that our little one had died weeks earlier and had to induce and deliver stillborn, July 25, 2013.
Something found on adrenal gland at follow up ultrasound, MRI showed what seems to be a benign tumor. Meeting with specialist Jan 8, 2014 - all fertility treatments on hold. :/
Tumour is definitely producing Aldosterone (causes high blood pressure) and Cortisol. Lucky me, only 34 similar cases recorded in the world! Tumour removed May 2014.
Approached about a possible adoption March 2014. Rush through all the paperwork and process.
Charlotte Evangeline born June 27, 2014. We brought her home on July 7 and held our breath for 10 days until she officially became ours.
Surprise BFP October 2014. Due to wonky cycles, ultrasounds convince Doctors I have a blighted ovum but detailed ultrasound reveals heartbeat at 6w3d. On progesterone support and waiting to see if pregnancy is still viable. Holding our breath again.
Adalyn Marie born on June 9, 2014 after a roller coaster pregnancy.

#25 mouse

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Posted 08 November 2013 - 05:59 AM

I've met far more secular than religious people who are against ART, but that's my particular experience and mileage clearly varies.

 

I don't know why exactly but this thread/situation just sets my spidey sense tingling.


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