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Husband problems - not getting pregnant is my fault

husband ttc guilt

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#1 Hope_2013

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 10:12 AM

Hello Everyone,

 

I have been reading the posts here for several months and it has helped me a lot. I finally had the courage to register.

DH and I got married when I was 36yo (he was 41). We both wanted a family. I kept asking him when he would like to start trying and he would always say "I don't know" or "It's up to you, it will affect your career more". So, I decided that we would start TTC one year after our wedding.

 

We have been trying for 1 1/2 years, did 2 UIUs and we are now getting prepared for our first IVI cycle. 

He says that I "should have known better because of my age" and he is now angry at me and says he lost trust in me. 

I try to say that I thought I was making a reasonable choice - fertility decreases after 36yo, but I never knew the decrease would be so steep. He does not believe me and/or his anger makes him want to blame me.

 

Sorry for the long post. I'm just feeling so alone with this. I wanted to know if anyone else has gone through the same experience. I don't know what to do and I'm afraid this will jeopardize our marriage.

 

Thanks!



#2 Merry33

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 10:23 AM

Hi Hope,

 

I am so sorry that you are being treated like this :( In your signature/profile it says "male factor" for your primary diagnosis - is this correct? Just asking because I think that would make a big difference; and I'm not talking about "who is to blame", because honestly there is nobody to blame! But when men experience ferility issues they tend to react in some strange ways...(I am speaking from experience), and I wonder if he is trying to blame you because he might be insecure about himself?

 

TTC is not a woman's job alone! He is an adult and should be informed about the topic as much as you are! I don't know what this has to do with trust. He knows your age perfectly well, and it was not just up to you when to start TTC, it was a decision of BOTH of you.

 

Do you think he would be willing to go to a couple's counseling session? Infertility is tough on relationships, and it is not a sign of weakness to get some help (we did). Maybe having this conversation with a third, neutral person (preferably a psychologist) will make him realize how wrong his point of view is.


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#3 smc

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 10:28 AM

That is absolutely ridiculous to blame you!  He should be honoured that you are going through all of this to make a family with him!!!  That being said, counselling might be a really good idea.  I think that Merry33 is right sometimes infertility is very difficult for men to deal with. (women too of course)


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#4 me'n'B

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 10:32 AM

The cold hard fact is that infertility can end a marriage. But it can also strengthen your bond. He shouldn't be blaming anyone. Evn though he told you to decide when to start ttc, you were together. No one knows their level of fertility until they are tested. If he had issues you wouldn't be blaming him, would you? I feel like a failure to my husband since i have decreased reserve, but fate didnt allow us to meet until later and we wanted stability before ttc. This is a tough journey but youre on the road together. Maybe consider counseling so there isn't resentment and blame. The last thing you need is additional stress.
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<span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="font-family:georgia, serif;"><span style="color:#ee82ee;">TTC with Hypothyroid, AMH 11.9, FSH 6-8 </span>
Me: 34 DH: 31 First Consult: May 3, 2012</span></span><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="font-family:georgia, serif;"></span></span><span style="font-size:18px;"><span style="font-family:georgia, serif;">
Clomid 25mg: July 2012 - Cancelled cycle, no response :(
Clomid 50mg: August 2012 - two good follies, 19 and 15 when surging naturally. BFN
Clomid 50mg: September 2012 - no monitoring, started acupuncture. BFN
Clomid 75mg: October 2012 with acupuncture. Ovidrel trigger. BFP but sadly early loss.
Clomid 75mg: November and December 2012 with acupuncture. Both BFN
Natural cycle: January 2013 BFN Puregon 58-75mg: February 2013 with iui. BFN
Natural cycle BFN Round 2-5 of Puregon with iui: March to May 2013 all BFN
Hello IVF. Starting bcp June 2013, Suprefact, Puregon 150mg and Menopur 75.
Retrieved 9 eggs after 10 days of stims. 8 Mature and 7 fertilized. 6 divided normally.
Day 3 transfer of two embabies.
Positive beta!
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#5 Hope_2013

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 10:36 AM

Hi Merry,

 

Thanks for  your kind words. My DH has low sperm motility, 10% normal forms and DNA fragmentation of 35%. The problem with me it's my age (now 38). My AMH is low (4), but we still have no idea re: egg quality. I've always assumed that the problem was with both of us.

 

He doesn't want to go to counselling. When I asked him why he left it to me to decide when to start TTC, he answered that he trusted I would make the right decision because I am a physician. I am a physician, but my specialty is very, very far removed from ob/gyn/RE. Things got worse when our doctor said that our chances would be almost 90-100% if we used donor eggs. I don't know if I could use donor eggs - no judgement, just not ready for it yet.

I wish he could understand that no one can know everything. I made the decision I thought was best, he thinks I delayed it on purpose.

 

Thanks for the support!



#6 Merry33

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 10:57 AM

Hope, it sounds to me as if your husband is not in a good place himself and is using the blame game as a strategy to make himself feel better. I am assuming he is fairly highly educated man as well, so his excuse just seems ridiculous to me (and I am surprised he doesn't see this himself).

Like you said - you BOTH have problems. Even if you did start a few years earlier you have no idea if it would have worked or not. Maybe you need to provide him with some statistics for that (chances for getting pregnant naturally in your mid 30s PLUS having some male factor issues are not that high either!)

 

He can't just put all responsibility onto you. That's just not how a marriage works.

I understand you about the donor eggs. Everybody has to make their own decision about it, and although I admire all the couples out there using donor sperm or eggs, it wouldn't be for me/us. And that's totally valid.


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#7 GraceM

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 10:58 AM

(((Hugs))) It sounds like a joint problem.  Lisa Shatsford is an excellent therapist in Toronto and she will see you alone. I highly recommend her.


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#8 StrawberryJam

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 11:09 AM

I agree with GraceM that perhaps if he will not join you in counseling, you should go alone to sort things out in your own mind. It's definitely not fun to be shouldering all the blame, and I totally agree that men (and women) all react in very different ways to fertility issues. It took my DH a while to come around and even do an SA, before we finally learned that our issue was male factor. It was a really hard time in our relationship.

 

Counselling was required for us because we did choose to use a sperm donor, but it was probably the best thing that we ever did. I also did some on my own to just get through the sadness I was feeling, and DH wasn't comfortable with a "Therapist" but he did end up going to our family doctor and unloading on him. That one time was all it took. 

I totally respect that perhaps the donor route is not for you! Just remember to do what is best for you, both body and mind. You need all the support you can get right now!  I wish you all the best. 


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Me: 28, PCO 
DH: 28, Male Factor
 
2 years into our journey!
November 2012 - Natural Cycle cancelled - no mature follicles
IUI #1 - Jan-Feb 2013 - GonalF 75Iu days 2 - 13; natural LH surge; IUI w/ 3 follies day 15. BFN 
IUI #2 - Feb-Mar 2013 - GonalF 100iu days 2 - 11; Ovidrel day 12; IUI w/ 2 big follies day 14. BFP!! 
Beta #1 (12dpiui): 62
Beta #2 (14dpiui): 126
April 4 Viability Ultrasound - measuring right on track at 6 weeks 6 days; HEARTBEAT!!! 124 bpm
April 18 - 8 weeks 5 days ultrasound - measuring right on track; Heartbeat 170 bpm
May 14 - 12 weeks 4 days ultrasound - healthy and active little bean!

June 5 - Final RE appointment, moving on to OB closer to home. 

July 2 - 19 weeks, 5 days (20 week ultrasound) we are having a BOY! 

 

Due Date: November 22, 2013


#9 Bahar38

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 11:09 AM

Hello Hope_2013,

 

So sorry to read this and for you to go through this. It's very frustrating and so hard when your partner is not understanding. It's so childish at that age to blame such an important matter on someone else, specially your partner.

People who do things like that know very well that they have issues themselves, so they become insecure and behave differently. Most men don't understand infertility as women do, but it makes it hard on marriage when he is not supportive.

 

IVF is already hard to deal with emotionally as is, and when you take away your partner's support  from it will make it so hard for you.

 

my advice is to see couple's counselling "before" you start IVF. Both of you need to come to this major decision of starting a family together to maintain a healthy marriage and also providing a healthy environment for your child in the future.

 

just know you're not alone, and many women go through difficult times in their marriage regarding infertility.

 

all the ladies here have already given you many good advices. my prayers are with you and wish you all the best in your future

 

Good Luck.



#10 gracegirl

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 11:29 AM

Oh my goodness...this sounds so difficult. I agree 100% with the other ladies. Seek counselling before you embark on the IVF or any fertility journey.

 

I trust that you know this is not solely your responsibility...don't apologize or take the blame. I would be really clear that along with raising children, creating children involves both you and your DH. Decisions are made together...roads are taken together...choices are a joint venture.

 

My DH and I used a sperm donor (DH has zero sperm) and we sought counselling...it helped immensely. I think my DH felt a lot of guilt, but we were always clear that this was "OUR" fertility, just as our children are "OUR" children. You know?

 

Good luck, hun. And take good care of yourself!


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#11 ladylazarus

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 11:33 AM

Hope, I am so sorry about all this. It's tough enough to face infertility without shame or blame. I have to agree that IF can tear relationships apart or make them stronger depending on how it's approached. There is no crystal ball here and these issues could have been there before you ever met, so waiting a year after being married to TTC seems totally reasonable! I also know that some doctors have a tendency to trot out the worst case scenario right off the bat - at 39 I was told, at my first appointment to proceed straight to IVF, no questions asked. After a year of fruitless IUI's, I was told by a new doctor to proceed straight to DE, no questions asked! Having the extreme thrust at you immediately causes a defensive response (or at least it did in me) and I dragged my feet because of it until I found my own best solution). Since your DH is somewhat at your mercy (you're the one who has to submit to the bulk of treatment), it sounds like his defensive reaction was to point the finger of blame squarely on you, that somehow you should have had control over all this (since he wishes he could have some control himself) and your bad judgement led you down this path. It's just not true; even having that knowledge of fertility biology doesn't mean you can predict that you yourself will have difficulty conceiving.

 

The flip side of all this is gratitude - gratitude that there are options out there that make it possible to have a very good outcome, but it does require patience, perseverance, and a team spirit. I hope he can rise to the occasion because permanently giving you this cross to bear is bound to cause resentment in the long run. Good luck and this is a fantastic place to come back again and again for support!


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Me - 46 One Blocked Tube, One Sleepy Ovary
DH - 56 Tired Swimmers
"I've had dreams enough for one, And I've got love enough for three..."
TTC 4 years
2007 - Charts, temps, pre-seed & all the rest - BFN every month
2008 - 7 IUI's in Seattle, using Femera- All BFN
2009 IVF/ICSI #1 @ PCRM - Canceled Long Lupron, no response (of course!)
2009 IVF/ICSI #2 @ PCRM - BFP, but low HCG (49 @ 11dp3dt), chemical
2010 IVF/ICSI #3 @ VFC - BFP!! Third time was a charm!

Little Ronnie, my Winter Solstice baby was born December 22nd 9:36am, 6lbs 13oz 19.5" long

#12 My_time

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 11:33 AM

He blames you when your diagnosis is "male factor"??? I have nothing else to ask... (imagine a rapid Jane Bingham's turn with hair flying after she asks the coolest obvious question in the court (drop dead dive))

EDIT: I hope this doesn't come across as offending - just wanted to make you smile in this difficult time... :)
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Diagnosis: Repeated Pregnancy Loss + DOR + Advance maternal Age.

So far no luck with IVF attempts. Hope things take a turn soon.

 


#13 gracegirl

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 11:37 AM

omg my_time! this made me laugh!!


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#14 gibasgirl

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 12:37 PM

Hope,

I wanted to express my sympathies after reading your heatbreaking post.

It certainly sounds like there is more going on with your husband.

Regardless of diagnosis, the moment a couple decides to have a family and they encounter problems, then it really is a joint issue. There is no blame in the context of infertility, just an explanation (diagnosis) or description. Oftentimes people who are not struggling with infertility want to point the finger at someone for the struggle. That all changes when you are part of the struggling couple.

Truth be told the diagnosis is Male Factor. Infertility is emaculating to begin with and when that is the diagnosis I am sure it only compounds the issue. (one of my husband's "friends" used to tease him in a crude manner. I overheard him once and almost went feral. I was never a fan of that person and that pretty much terminated the friendship.)

I digress.

Your husband is unfairly scapegoating you. He elected you to make the call about when to proceed with the family-building. That is a decision. If he wanted to start earlier. If he really, really wanted to start a family with you earlier he would have made that clear. He chose not to. To ignore the male factor and focus on your age is not fair to either of you, actually because infertility is something that both of you need to face as a united front. (although male ambivalence and foot-dragging is very common. My husband is the poster-boy. :) )

Yes you are 38 but it does not mean all hope is lost. It just means the context of your treatment will be different from that of a woman in her early 30s or 20s. I also think that Dr. H is quick to recommend donor eggs to women in your age group.

Unless... Did you tell your husband that you are younger than you actually are? :) (trying to lighten the mood)

I have faced struggles on this road. It is not easy but keep breathing and hold your head high. Maybe during your next appointment Dr. H can speak to the male factor issues more frankly. Men often defer to other men and so much of this process is focussed on the woman & the men feel left out. (and emasculated) Being a man, Dr. H may be able to garner some of your husband's trust in a way that will help him see things differently and in their full and proper context.

And I cannot say enough good things about meeting with a counsellor who specialises in infertility. Even though your husband is not "there" yet, it can certainly help you navigate some of these choppy waters and give you the tools to have a dialogue with your husband in a meaningful way that takes blame out of the equation.

Wishing you the best. We are here for you.
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#15 Hope_2013

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 01:18 PM

To All of You:

 

I feel so much better after reading all your heart-warming advice. I cannot thank you enough!!!! You have made my day so much brighter.

I will probably see a therapist on my own - maybe he will join me. I can just keep trying :-)

 

Thank you heart.gif flow.gif


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#16 JacMac

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 01:58 PM

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is having a hard time with the infertility. 

Unfortunately infertility doesn't completely discriminate based on age. There's a possible chance that you may have still had issues even if you had started a year earlier. My husband and I started trying when I was 29 and we've still had to do IVF to get pregnant. 

 

Definitely the counseling would probably be helpful since you're not getting lots of support at home. 


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Me - now 36 Him - 37
Trying to conceive since our wedding day May 25, 2008.
Started Clomid Jan-April 2012.
Referred to RFP June 2012.
First consult at RFP November 2012.
First IVF cycle on antagonist protocol (GonalF, Luveris) January 2013.
Transferred two day-3 embryos, had severe OHSS, lost one twin between 7-13 weeks but was expecting one little one October 2013.
Found out at 6 mos that our little one had died weeks earlier and had to induce and deliver stillborn, July 25, 2013.
Something found on adrenal gland at follow up ultrasound, MRI showed what seems to be a benign tumor. Meeting with specialist Jan 8, 2014 - all fertility treatments on hold. :/
Tumour is definitely producing Aldosterone (causes high blood pressure) and Cortisol. Lucky me, only 34 similar cases recorded in the world! Tumour removed May 2014.
Approached about a possible adoption March 2014. Rush through all the paperwork and process.
Charlotte Evangeline born June 27, 2014. We brought her home on July 7 and held our breath for 10 days until she officially became ours.
Surprise BFP October 2014. Due to wonky cycles, ultrasounds convince Doctors I have a blighted ovum but detailed ultrasound reveals heartbeat at 6w3d. On progesterone support and waiting to see if pregnancy is still viable. Holding our breath again.
Adalyn Marie born on June 9, 2014 after a roller coaster pregnancy.

#17 Veronica 81

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 02:36 PM

Hope,

 

First off your husband is a douchebag (no offence) how could you know you were going to have problems? You're a Doctor not God. Second, he is the one who told you it was up to you... AND he has low sperm... so maybe in all his wisdom of not being apart of the decision making as to when you were going to start TTC he should have considered his own age. 

 

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT!!!! If anything he should feel guilty for putting all this stress on you which is definitely not going to help you get pregnant.  

 

I have to say I definitely agree with the Jane Bingham theory and when he starts blaming you do a Jane Bingham!! I also agree with the advice of the other Ladies and go and get counselling it will definitely help you work through your thoughts and feelings and the therapist may be able to give you some suggestions on how to deal with him and his feelings.


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TTC - Since 2007

Jan 2008 - th_abfp.gif Chemical Pregnancy

May 2008 - Start seeing first fertility Dr.

July 2008 - Found out I had PCOS and Hostile Cervical Mucus

Started on 2000mg on Metformin and B12 vitamins

Dr. Tham recommended that we try NaPro Technology which is essentially checking your cervical mucus 

Sept 2008 - th_abfp.gif - Miscarried at 3 weeks

Dr. Tham didn't believe in IUI's or IVF - She was a very religious Dr.

Dec 2008 - Starting seeing Dr. Soliman at Newlife in Brampton

Feb 2009 - Starting on Femara and did first IUI which came back th_abfn.gif

Lost my job shortly after and had to put fertility treatments on hold

Nov - 2010 - Started seeing Dr. Liou (Gynecologist) who agreed that we couldn't get pregnant naturally and needed to go the IUI/IVF route - Couldn't help us any further.

Nov - 2011 - Started seeing Dr. Fullerton (Naturopath) We decided to try natural medicine We did that for close to a year and finally I had enough and needed a break.

April 2013 - Starting Seeing Dr. Browning 

May 2013 - Sono Hystergram - Discovered Polyp

June 2013 - Saw Dr. Browning and decided that IVF is our only option

August 2013- Saw Dr. Belej-Rak ( and she is fantastic)

September 2013 - Hysteroscopy

November 2013 - First Round of IVF!!! So anxious and excited at the same time!

 

IVF #1

Nov 4/13 - Period started

Nov 5-8 - Gonal F 200U

Nov 9-10 - Gonal F 175

Nov 11-12 Gonal F 300 and Cetritide 

Nov 13-  Gonal F 300 and Cetritide

Nov 14 Gonal F 375 and HCG 10,000

No 16 - Retrieval - High Sodium diet to prevent OHSS

8 eggs retrieved - We have 1 viable egg out of the 8

Transfer scheduled for Nov. 19th - We had one Grade A egg transferred!

Pregnancy Test Scheduled for December 3rd.

 

 


#18 Munchkin88

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 08:26 PM

Hope - hugs to you.

All the ladies on this thread - I am so blessed and thankful to be in your company.
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Mircle Baby Due Date is April 16, 2014

 

Me: 37 Overall Health: good, healthy on paper Eggs: good reserve Uterus: gorgeous Tubes: no blockage, all clear

Hubby: 37 (love of my life)Sperm: fantastic TTC 3 years.

2013 IVF #1 - Positive Beta th_abfp.gif  Thank you Dr. Hannam!!!

Estimated egg transfer: July 28: transferred 2, no snow babies to freeze, 6 arrested in development.

Egg retrival date: July 23: retrieved 13 but only 9 fertilized (6 IVF, 3 ICSC)

Trigger Shot: July 21

Protocol Antagonist July 13 - 21 Gonal f 200 once a day with Luveris 75, Lthyroxine 50mcg/day

Pre-stimulation assessment: July 12

Hysteroscopy: June 17

April 2013 IUI - Gonal F 75 injections th_abfn.gif 

Feb 2013 natural IUI th_abfn.gif

 

 


#19 Munchkin88

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Posted 12 June 2013 - 09:30 PM

Me again!! Just noticed you are also with Dr H. He is great doctor and a really good listener. I would speak to him about your concerns and what you would like the next steps to me. He was willing to modify my care package knowing full well it would not work for me but did it to help us get to the next step.

The journey is very confusing, please do lean on the ladies here. I sure do!!
  • gibasgirl likes this

Mircle Baby Due Date is April 16, 2014

 

Me: 37 Overall Health: good, healthy on paper Eggs: good reserve Uterus: gorgeous Tubes: no blockage, all clear

Hubby: 37 (love of my life)Sperm: fantastic TTC 3 years.

2013 IVF #1 - Positive Beta th_abfp.gif  Thank you Dr. Hannam!!!

Estimated egg transfer: July 28: transferred 2, no snow babies to freeze, 6 arrested in development.

Egg retrival date: July 23: retrieved 13 but only 9 fertilized (6 IVF, 3 ICSC)

Trigger Shot: July 21

Protocol Antagonist July 13 - 21 Gonal f 200 once a day with Luveris 75, Lthyroxine 50mcg/day

Pre-stimulation assessment: July 12

Hysteroscopy: June 17

April 2013 IUI - Gonal F 75 injections th_abfn.gif 

Feb 2013 natural IUI th_abfn.gif

 

 






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