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Hubby wants to call it quits; I'm not ready.


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#1 waitingforbfp

waitingforbfp
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  • My Clinic:KRF/Olive

Posted 04 April 2013 - 12:30 PM

How did you ladies convince you significant others to try just one more fresh IVF cycle?? We went through our first IVF cycle and FET last year and only have one more embryo left. Clinic would like us to 'pool' our embryo with a fresh cycle because they do not feel it is a good quality. With all the heartache and saving for the first round; my hubby doesn't want to do another round. He just wants to call it quits. I am not ready to give up just yet. I have put away almost enough money to do another round (saved $16,000 and still need another $4000 or so); but now he tells me he wants to use that money for his retirement plan. I feel this is pushing us apart. I feel I can't quit now; when the clinic finally will allow me to do an immune protocol (prednisone and intrilipids). I just wish they would have listened to me the first round when I asked them to do it. How do I convince my hubby to give it just one more try?? Any advice is welcome.


Me-38 DH- 42

TTC since 2000
Unexplained Secondary Infertility (Had a son while a teen and gave him up for adoption)
March 2000- M/C @ 11 weeks
January 2001- M/C @ 9 weeks
February 2003- M/C @ 8 weeks
2004-2007- 6 Cycles of clomid and natural conception- BFN
November 2009- IUI with injectables- BFN
February 2010- IUI with injectables- BFN
May 2012-Consult with KRF. Re-due blood tests and prep for IVF
June 2012-Started taking Estrace for estrogen priming protocol
Blood test to see why af hasn't started. BFP with low numbers. Chemical Pregnancy
IVF#1 (KRF/Genesis)--July 29, 2012- Estrogen Priming Protocol
August 19-Egg Retrieval 20 eggs; 18 fertilized; 11 made it to Day 5
August 24- Transferred 1 Blast; Froze 4 (the rest didn't make it overnight to Day 6)
Sept 2-Took HPT (Faint Positive)
Sept 5-Beta 3 (BFN--Another Chemical)
FET#1(KRF/Genesis)-Oct 30 2012 On Estrace and Prednisone. Transferred 2 blasts (Had to thaw 3-one didn't make it. One left in the freezer)
Nov 13 2012- Beta- BFN

FET#2(KRF/Genesis) -Nov 16,2013 BETA Nov 27--Chemical Pregnancy 

 

IVF#2 (KRF/Olive)Consult Jan 27. (Doing CCS & immune treatments this cycle)

Estrogen Priming Starts February 19, 2014 YAY!!!!

STIMS START March 1, 2014

Retrieval Mar 13, 2014. 17 eggs retrieved, 16 of which mature and 15 fertilized. 

11 made it to blast and were biopsied and frozen. 5 NORMAL BLASTS yahoo.gif

FET with next af (transfer May, hopefully). 

FET transfer with One Normal Perfect Embryo May 15, 2014

5dp5dt--Faint positive on hpt. Darker on 6dp5dt yahoo.gif

BETA--May 26, 2014 (FX this is it)

ANOTHER F**KING chemical--beta 21 th_agrr.gif

FET#2--Lining scan on July 15. Lining at 10mm and dominate follicle is at 19mm. Waiting on ovulation to time transfer. Here we go again. FX this is it!!!

TRANSFER July 21, 2014--1 PGS Normal Blast

8th confirmed Chemical

 

LOOKING FOR A SURROGATE. Still have 3 PGS normal embryos frozen.

Trying again with my body......'initial' consult is April 14

 


#2 zepper

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Posted 04 April 2013 - 01:59 PM

This is such a tough decision. I won't get into the details of our TTC journey as it's in my signature but we had decided that after this FET (which I'm still waiting on the results for) we'd be done treatments. Now that this is actually happening I'm having my doubts.

There's nothing dh and I want more than to get pregnant and have a baby. But my dh says it's horrible for him watching me injecting myself, dealing with the stress of all the monitoring appts, the pain of the ER, and riding the rollercoaster of IF.  Perhaps this is the case for your dh as well? 

 

I guess my advice to you would be to do the FET and then decide if you want to do another fresh IVF.


  • waitingforbfp likes this
  • Me - 34, DH - 35
  • TTC since Feb. 2009
  • Started seeing Dr. Wu - March 2011
  • DH's SA's vary - thinking male factor is the issue
  • April-June 2011 - Femara - hormone levels normal
  • July 2011 - HSG - all clear
  • Aug-Oct 2011 - IUI's #1-3 with Femara - BFN x3
  • Nov 2011 - Laparsocopy - all clear
  • Dec 2011 - IUI #4 with Clomid - BFN
  • IVF #1 - Feb 2012 - no eggs retrieved from 14 follicles - *Genuine Empty Follicle Syndrome* WTF???
  • IVF #2 - July 2012 - used Lupron as trigger - 5 eggs retrieved from 16 follicles - Dr. concludes I do have GEFS - they know little about it. All 5 eggs fertilized.
  • Transferred 2 8-cell grade A embryos - BFN
  • 3 frozen embryos
  • FET #1- October 22, 2012 - transferred 2 three-day embryos - BFN
  • FET #2 - February - 1 embryo left - cancelled due to estrogen levels dropping :(
  • FET #2 - March 23, 2013 - medicated cycle - transfer of our last embryo - BFN
Now what? We've had the public adoption paperwork since October and I still can't gather the strength to look at it.

#3 My_time

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    The world says give up! Hope whispers one more time

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Posted 04 April 2013 - 02:18 PM

This is a though one. Having a child is a decision that requires your both consent (in heart and brain). You can't just quit because of his decision or you may start regretting later and then running out of time. He can't just do another IVF too if he doesn't think that this is an investment worth the money. Either way it is wrong that one person accepts a decision this important just for the sake of keeping the other one happy, as they may regret that later. Regrets turn to resentment and that is not healthy for the future of your marriage.

I suggest that you guys talk about it and evaluate how much having the child vs the money is important in both your lives.

I think personally that in life money comes and goes - the impact of 20K in 30 years when you retire is much less than impact of feeling that you didn't give your best to make your dreams come true. But again most IVF cycles don't work and success is not guaranteed so the point must come for each unsuccessful couple to discuss when to give up and it is the best if a certain point is agreed in advance. Talk with him and try to negotiate something that works for both of you. If I were in your shoes, I would use a counselor, as sometimes you need that third person to coordinate the discussion otherwise it turns into a fight.

Good luck. 
  • chiara, MeAgain and waitingforbfp like this

Diagnosis: Repeated Pregnancy Loss + DOR + Advance maternal Age.

So far no luck with IVF attempts. Hope things take a turn soon.

 


#4 gibasgirl

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Posted 04 April 2013 - 05:01 PM

I went through the same struggle and turned to the ladies on this site because I needed to hear from others who understood.

I always had a feeling that my husband was not keen on TTC, but he always denied that even though his actions said otherwise.
So in 2011 he told me he was done, but I was not. My heart broke and my brain exploded. I wondered how we could move forward as a couple when we were on opposite sides of something as significant as having a family.

We saw a counsellor (the same one who was associated with the first fertility clinic we went to) in the hopes of figuring something out.

I couldn't see a path to a resolution but the counsellor helped us find the middle ground that I thought was non-existent. In our counselling sessions my husband confessed that he wanted to stop after our first IVF cycle. So my hunches were accurate.

The counsellor had us talk about different things how important we think the process is for ourselves and the other person. To look at things from both sides. In the end my husband agreed to one more cycle, but in exchange for that I had to agree and accept that would be our last cycle.

A miracle indeed because before that hell would have had to frozen over for him to even consider trying again. He was going out on a limb and so was I.

When all is said and done a large part of the reason I keep trying is my husband is just an awesome guy who will make a great father. Each cycle, each new clinic solved more unanswered questions about our infertility. We kept getting closer and, well, I want to be a mother, too.

You are not alone in this and even though it seems like a long shot, there may be some hidden common ground between you and your husband. A counsellor did wonders for us, but it has to be one who understands the complexities of dealing with infertility.

My husband is similar to yours in not wanting to spend money on a cycle out of fear of loss and 'wasting' the money. My sense of things is money comes and goes, you can make more money, but time moves in one direction and you can never get that time back.

I truly wish you the best.
  • Sandibeach, mouse, ladylazarus and 7 others like this

#5 Sandibeach

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  • My Clinic:Mtl Fert / Ottawa Fert / Hannam Fert

Posted 04 April 2013 - 05:28 PM

I agree with GG above... but I was where your husband is... I didn't want to do it anymore, didn't want to spend anymore money (our situation was different - we had a child from IVF, so I was content), but DH as not on the same page... and our 4th IVF was a disaster (again) so he felt it wasnt a real chance... anyways we went to see a physcologist and it made a huge difference.  I decided to try one more time, but it was made clear in these sessions that this was it - disaster, BFN or success - this was it... so we came to a comprimise... honestly my mental state was going if I continued on and DH finally understood this, so he was ok with it.  I highly suggest you go talk to someone together and work through this...because you will resent him - it has to be a joint decision - comprimise... not him unilaterally making the decision.  It was clear to me that DH would resent me if I didn't do this... is your marriage worth this?

 

Also with your clinic - tell this this is it - agressive and through everything at this cycle... that is how my last IVF was - my RE was willing to trasnfer up to 4 embryos (in the end we did 3), but 1 embryo transfer is really not enough... I'd push for 2 to 3 ideally...

 

All the best and don't give up!!  It doesn't sound like you are ready and if you stop, I think you'll regret it!!

 

Sandi


  • gibasgirl, MB., Lisa1981 and 1 other like this
ME-39 DH-39
TTC 9 years
Unexplained infertility / mild male factor
6 Cycles Clomid - BFN
1 Laproscopy
2 IUI's- BFN
1st IVF - April 2008 - M/C @ 6 wks - OFC
1st Beta 25, 2nd Beta 87, 3rd Beta 257 BFP
2nd IVF - January 2y009 - No transfer - OFC
ER 23 eggs, 20 mature, 17 fertilized - TOTAL EPIC FAILURE - ALL 17 Embies arrested in development by Day 5
3rd IVF - June 2009 - This is it! - New Clinic - Montreal Fertility Centre
ER: June 8th - 16 fertilized eggs (no frosties)
ET: June 11th (2 excellent 8cell) & 13th (1 perfect blast)
HPT++++
June 24 1st Beta: 312 BFP
June 26 2nd Beta: 682
July 13 US: Singleton HB 130
July 25 US: HB 175 saw fetus moving
Aug 8 US: HB 165 all perfect
Aug 17 US: HB 157 all perfect
Oct 5 US: It's a BOY!!!!
Born March 3, 2010 - Julien Tristan
May 2011 - Natural BFP - Ectopic
Now trying the old fashion way - Bust
4th IVF - Dec 2011 - Back to OFC
Jan 16 - ER 11 eggs - 3 mature, 2 fertilized (OFC f**ked up again - triggered me too soon)
Jan 18 - Emergency Day 2 ET - 2 4 cell embryo's transferred
Feb 2 - Beta - BFN
5th & Final IVF - July 2012 - 3rd opinion - Hannam Fertility
Satelitte monitoring at OFC
ER - July 24
ET - July 27
Beta - Aug 10
Transferred 3 perfect embryos - 1 blast frozen
Aug 6 - HPT ++++++
Aug 8th Beta - 225 BFP
Aug 10th Beta - 445
Aug 27th US ~ 1 perfect little bean HB 120
Sept 10th US - all good HB 162
Due Date: April 16th, 2013 It's a GIRL!!!
Born April 9th, 2013 - Amelia Danica

#6 Maralee

Maralee
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Posted 04 April 2013 - 07:56 PM

https://ivf.ca/forums...husband-doesnt/

 

There was another thread in a different area on this.  Very similar responses.  We went to counselling and it was a life saver for us, infact a marriage saver.  Gibas is right that time moves only in one direction.  Hope you are both able to find peace with a decision.


  • gibasgirl, MB., Red Wine and 1 other like this
Me 30, 31, 32 Hubs 35, 36, 37

See about me for past history
IVF 2
Jan 2013-awaiting consult at VFC...
Feb 2013-Consult a success, off to victoria we go!  Looking at April.  Meanwhile, started gluten/dairy reduced diet with a ton of supplements.  Feeling great!
Day 1...Mar13/13
LH surge Mar 24 Start estrace Mar 27
Day 1, April 8
Fly to VFC April 9-u/s and blood work-all OK
April 10-start stims Gonal 225, saizen 1.66mg, repronex 75
April 15-u/s and bw, all good, 6 follies, all same size, continue and next u/s and bw apr 17
April 17-u/s and bw-all good, 7 follies, similar size, continue and next u/s apr 18.  ER on april 20 or 21
April 18-bw good, u/s now 10 follies but starting to separate in size.  Back tomorrow, ER april 21/22?
April 19-bw good, 1/2 of follies ready...trigger tonight, ER on April 21
April 21-9 retrieved.  Awaiting fertilization reports... fingers crossed!
April 22-Amazing news, 8 out of 9 are mature and all 8 fertilize, 1/2 by ICSI, 1/2 by regular.  How could that happen?
April 23-All 8 still going, mix of 15-19/20
April 24-6 still going, 2 transferred-an 19/20 and 18/20, 2 frozen a 18/20, 17/20, and 2 in culture to day 5-wait and see
May 8-OMG, positive beta!!  517, wow! 14dp3dt
May 10-beta 1060.  Yay!!
May 27-viability u/s...both took, it's twins!  Heartbeats around 140, 1 measures a couple days behind.  CRAZY!
June 16-10 wk u/s, both still growing, hb's 172 and 165. 
July 2-Nuchal-excellent.  Fell in love with them.  hb's 168 and 160, both measure a couple days ahead now.
Aug 16- 18 week detailed, both are amazing.  Team green! Cord insertion issue with baby A discovered.
Oct 10-27wk 4 day, A is 2 lbs, B is 2.2 lbs...may have seen a penis and sac on one of them.
Nov 7-30wk 4 day, A is 3lbs 13 oz, B is 4lbs 2 oz, this is going to hurt.
Nov 21-32wk 4 day, A is 4lbs, B is 4 lbs 8 oz, starting to slow down a bit, and both head down.
Dec 4-34 wk 3 day, A is 5 lbs 2 oz, B is 5 lbs 5 oz, A head down and engaged, B now breech.
 
Dec 17-after falling down the stairs, our baby boy and girl arrived at 36 weeks, small but healthy
Welcome Abigael and Colin.
 

Fr3Am7.png

#7 waitingforbfp

waitingforbfp
  • Global 100+
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  • Gender:Female
  • Dx:Unexplained
  • My Clinic:KRF/Olive

Posted 04 April 2013 - 08:40 PM

Thanks ladies. I really appreciate all your input. I will give the therapist a call tomorrow and see if we can get in to see her. Could be a bit tricky because hubby just went back to work today. He is gone for 6 weeks; but maybe we can get an appointment for when he comes home. Till then; maybe I'll go see her myself. Thanks again.


  • gibasgirl likes this

Me-38 DH- 42

TTC since 2000
Unexplained Secondary Infertility (Had a son while a teen and gave him up for adoption)
March 2000- M/C @ 11 weeks
January 2001- M/C @ 9 weeks
February 2003- M/C @ 8 weeks
2004-2007- 6 Cycles of clomid and natural conception- BFN
November 2009- IUI with injectables- BFN
February 2010- IUI with injectables- BFN
May 2012-Consult with KRF. Re-due blood tests and prep for IVF
June 2012-Started taking Estrace for estrogen priming protocol
Blood test to see why af hasn't started. BFP with low numbers. Chemical Pregnancy
IVF#1 (KRF/Genesis)--July 29, 2012- Estrogen Priming Protocol
August 19-Egg Retrieval 20 eggs; 18 fertilized; 11 made it to Day 5
August 24- Transferred 1 Blast; Froze 4 (the rest didn't make it overnight to Day 6)
Sept 2-Took HPT (Faint Positive)
Sept 5-Beta 3 (BFN--Another Chemical)
FET#1(KRF/Genesis)-Oct 30 2012 On Estrace and Prednisone. Transferred 2 blasts (Had to thaw 3-one didn't make it. One left in the freezer)
Nov 13 2012- Beta- BFN

FET#2(KRF/Genesis) -Nov 16,2013 BETA Nov 27--Chemical Pregnancy 

 

IVF#2 (KRF/Olive)Consult Jan 27. (Doing CCS & immune treatments this cycle)

Estrogen Priming Starts February 19, 2014 YAY!!!!

STIMS START March 1, 2014

Retrieval Mar 13, 2014. 17 eggs retrieved, 16 of which mature and 15 fertilized. 

11 made it to blast and were biopsied and frozen. 5 NORMAL BLASTS yahoo.gif

FET with next af (transfer May, hopefully). 

FET transfer with One Normal Perfect Embryo May 15, 2014

5dp5dt--Faint positive on hpt. Darker on 6dp5dt yahoo.gif

BETA--May 26, 2014 (FX this is it)

ANOTHER F**KING chemical--beta 21 th_agrr.gif

FET#2--Lining scan on July 15. Lining at 10mm and dominate follicle is at 19mm. Waiting on ovulation to time transfer. Here we go again. FX this is it!!!

TRANSFER July 21, 2014--1 PGS Normal Blast

8th confirmed Chemical

 

LOOKING FOR A SURROGATE. Still have 3 PGS normal embryos frozen.

Trying again with my body......'initial' consult is April 14