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so confused: i want to do IVF again but husband doesnt


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#1 Tarainlimbo

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 08:51 PM

so i have not been on this site in probably a year due to our not TTC anymore. we did IVF twice and after the difficult miscarriage and then failures i was loosing my mind and my husband said enough and no more! i was ok with that then, but the last several months i have been feeling more and more like i want to try again. i brough it up to my husband and he just said no way it is too hard for both of us. i suggested adoption....he said maybe russia: but we dont qualify because i have had cancer! so i looked into local and again my husband said nope. he is not an awful or difficult guy....normally......he is usually very flexible and easy going. honestly i am usually the difficult one! so now i am left feeling unfinished and confused. he says he is ok.

to make things harder i have 3 sis in laws and all of them accounced at christmas that they r pregnant. great and all but i am not coping well inside. and my closest friend is prego now too by mistake. so people r avoiding me and i am avoiding people i think! i go shopping and buy bags of baby presents that i really dont need to buy because for a moment i feel happy for them and believe i am a good family member!

inside i feel so sad and confused.......anyone relate or have any suggestions???

thanks Tara


2000 to 2001: several failed clomid
2002: iui: canceled poor follicle response
2003: iui transfer to ivf: 36 follicles retrieved: ohss...2 embryo transfer: twin pregnancy: delivered at 23 weeks now have one beautiful son and one beautiful angel
2008: new wonderful husband with vasectomy
2008: vasectomy reversed: result 40% sperm in antibodies
2010: ivf with icsi: poor initial response: difficult retrieval only one ovary accessable: 13 follicles retrieved: only one good enough for transfer: wow beta was positive: devastating missed miscarriage at 11 weeks: misoprostal induced miscarriage: absolutely awful
2011: IVF with ICSI: June 14: er: 35 follicles retrieved....immediate OHSS, June 17th et: one 9 cell embryo.....BFN.....so disappointed....3 frozen embys and 2 frozen blasts
sept/oct 2011: only one embryo survived thaw out of 5: and it did not take: devastating.
NOW: trying to live life

#2 Duck

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Posted 17 February 2013 - 11:00 PM

Cant offer wisdom, but a book, conquering inferility by Alice domer, she walks you through setting your own limits and dealing with your situation,
My personal opinion is you need to talk to him, my husband needed a family, he was in your position, I was the infertile party, but I loved him so I did everything I could(including 2 surrogates) to being about a family.

You shouldn't have to give up your dream, it's a cross roads of sorts, if you need to be a mother, then talk about it, talk about why he is opposed adoption or ivf...

Hope that helps
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Diagnosed with endometrosis at age 19

5 pelvic surgeries

2 IVF, numerous FETs

2 different gestational carriers

Now mother of 2 year old twins.


#3 Maralee

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 12:19 AM

Yes.  I have a wonderful husband.  Sounds much like yours.  Put his foot down that he wanted NO IVF...ever.  Managed to finally convince him, giving him a full 6 months off of fertility anything.  As we were sitting in the cubicle after ER, the embryologist came over and asked if we wanted ICSI done.  DH has no problems with sperm, but we went with it as I wanted no regrets after the one cycle I thought I was going to have.  The cycle was a complete bust, low normal fertilization, 2 transfered that were crappy embryo's, nothing frozen, and a BFN.  At the transfer, when we pretty much knew that our embryo's sucked, and that this was a ME fault in this, I was bawling, saying I know I agree'd to one, but wanted another shot, or to discuss egg donor, or adoption, or anthing because my family was not complete.  The weeks following ET were the absolute hardest weeks our relationship faced.  Ever. (and we've had some cruddy stints).  The breakthrough came in one session of couples councelling.  I sat on the couch and cried, let everything out, and DH cried too.  It made us start talking.  About how hard this was, the unexpected, what we wanted for our future, etc.  And it was DH who suggested another consult with a different clinic, to see if anything could be improved, or whether we should call it quits.  We are lined up for one last IVF, and we have both agree'd that we are done after this (as far as fertility treatments), and will take a break and find out about adoption or other options after this.  I know how it feels to be in your shoes, and it sucks.  I cannot say enough about the one session of therapy we had.  It was a huge turning point. 


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Me 30, 31, 32 Hubs 35, 36, 37

See about me for past history
IVF 2
Jan 2013-awaiting consult at VFC...
Feb 2013-Consult a success, off to victoria we go!  Looking at April.  Meanwhile, started gluten/dairy reduced diet with a ton of supplements.  Feeling great!
Day 1...Mar13/13
LH surge Mar 24 Start estrace Mar 27
Day 1, April 8
Fly to VFC April 9-u/s and blood work-all OK
April 10-start stims Gonal 225, saizen 1.66mg, repronex 75
April 15-u/s and bw, all good, 6 follies, all same size, continue and next u/s and bw apr 17
April 17-u/s and bw-all good, 7 follies, similar size, continue and next u/s apr 18.  ER on april 20 or 21
April 18-bw good, u/s now 10 follies but starting to separate in size.  Back tomorrow, ER april 21/22?
April 19-bw good, 1/2 of follies ready...trigger tonight, ER on April 21
April 21-9 retrieved.  Awaiting fertilization reports... fingers crossed!
April 22-Amazing news, 8 out of 9 are mature and all 8 fertilize, 1/2 by ICSI, 1/2 by regular.  How could that happen?
April 23-All 8 still going, mix of 15-19/20
April 24-6 still going, 2 transferred-an 19/20 and 18/20, 2 frozen a 18/20, 17/20, and 2 in culture to day 5-wait and see
May 8-OMG, positive beta!!  517, wow! 14dp3dt
May 10-beta 1060.  Yay!!
May 27-viability u/s...both took, it's twins!  Heartbeats around 140, 1 measures a couple days behind.  CRAZY!
June 16-10 wk u/s, both still growing, hb's 172 and 165. 
July 2-Nuchal-excellent.  Fell in love with them.  hb's 168 and 160, both measure a couple days ahead now.
Aug 16- 18 week detailed, both are amazing.  Team green! Cord insertion issue with baby A discovered.
Oct 10-27wk 4 day, A is 2 lbs, B is 2.2 lbs...may have seen a penis and sac on one of them.
Nov 7-30wk 4 day, A is 3lbs 13 oz, B is 4lbs 2 oz, this is going to hurt.
Nov 21-32wk 4 day, A is 4lbs, B is 4 lbs 8 oz, starting to slow down a bit, and both head down.
Dec 4-34 wk 3 day, A is 5 lbs 2 oz, B is 5 lbs 5 oz, A head down and engaged, B now breech.
 
Dec 17-after falling down the stairs, our baby boy and girl arrived at 36 weeks, small but healthy
Welcome Abigael and Colin.
 

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#4 ladylazarus

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 12:26 AM

This is a terrible spot to be in, I know, because I was there in my own version of it. It's a rock and a hard place, for sure, because the best thing to do is to talk about it, especially with a counselor, but men can be the last people in the world who want to talk something out. You may have to play 'Let's Make a Deal' and find out where the heart of his opposition lies if he is willing. He needs to know how much you are hurting inside because of this and that in spite of the losses of the past, you still need to move forward until you have exhausted the possibilities, which could include getting a second or third opinion. Because men are so very often on the outside of the digging up of information involved in fertility treatments, he may not be aware how many IVF's it can take to have success, so he just assumes (as my DH did) that if it didn't work the first time, it would never work, and if it didn't work the second time, well, we were just tempting fate to ever try that again! He saw my pain, swallowed his and was ready to walk away never to look back at fatherhood. I just couldn't do that. It took a year to finally get my wish to try again and it was a very lonely place, where I basically made a deal to keep any painful emotions out of his sight, only give him information about the cycle on an as-needed basis and if it failed, I'll be dealing with the fallout all by myself because he wasn't going back to that painful place. And it would absolutely be the last try. I really had my age working against me; I don't know if that's the case for you but if it's not, then don't lose all hope just yet.

 

I recommend being honest, but being sparing with information. It's OK to say you are not done yet and that life is too long not to pursue your dream further even if it means risking further pain. Make a plan. Get a second and third opinion on your specific case. Talk to a counselor if you can afford it, even if it's just once or twice. It made a huge difference for me, all these things. Broach the subject again when you have something more to say about your plan and then be patient. That's my best advice.

 

I'm sorry you're in such a hurtful place. There's so many ladies on this site who have endured through what you are going through right now. Hang in there, ok?


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#5 Lea

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 03:59 AM

I noticed that you go to LHSC, I do too. Why don't you give Dr.Newton a call? He can help you sort things through. When my Dh and I were having some issues, he helped us. Best of luck to you.
  • gibasgirl likes this
me 42 DH 44
TTC: November 2005
MF: low sperm count

July 2007 #1 IVF & ICSI = BFN
---------------------------------------
2 frosties in the freezer!
FET #1 Jan 25 /08 = BFN
---------------------------------------
May 2008 #2 IVF & ICSI = cancelled
---------------------------------------
July 2008 #2 IVF & ICIS = BFP!!
4 frosties in the freezer.
Our Daughter, Dani, Born April 29, 2009.
----------------------------------------
FET - April 2010 = Fat lady sang....though not the tune i was hoping for - BFN
----------------------------------------
Sept 2010 #3 IVF/ICIS
Synarel check sept 15 - E2 81
B/W sept 19 - E2 430
B/w & u/s sept 22 - E2 2063
B/w & u/s sept 25 - E2 5878
B/w & u/s sept 26 - E2 8282
ER - Sept 28 - 12 eggies
ET - Oct 1..... transfered 3-8 cell grade A
Beta Oct 14 - Fat lady is singing that nasty tune again - BFN
-----------------------------------------
RE follow up November 1st. RE says Dh swimmers are of poor quality and my eggs MAYBE old 'cause i'm 40 (lovely) only way to rule out my egg quality is to try donor sperm.
November 30 - great now i find out my tubes are blocked! frigg!
-----------------------------------------
Jan 2011 #4 IVF
Lupron supression check Jan 20 - E2 - 753 (needs to be under 200)
Jan 25 b/w E2 - 109
Jan 30 b/w - E2 - 714
Feb 1 b/w & u/s - E2 - 1705
Feb 4 b/w & u/s - E2 - 5795
Feb 5 b/w & u/s - E2 - 7946
ER - Feb 7 - 12 eggies
ET - Feb 10....transferred 1-9 cell, 2-8 cell - grades 1 & 2
Beta - Feb 24 14dp3dt - 37
Beta #2 - Feb 26 - 16dp3dt - 85
Beta #3 - Mar 4 - 444 rose by 73%
u/s mar 18 - no sac. no nothing.......beta 791
march 31 - ectopic pregnancy confirmed - thanks fat lady!!!!!
-------------------------------------------
FET Sept 28, 2011
Beta - Oct 13. Oh this Fat Lady - she sucks! BFN
-------------------------------------------
Purchased my ticket for my last & final ride on the rollercoaster!
Nov 2011 IVF/ICIS #5
Nov 25 b/w - E2 - 179
Nov 30 b/w & u/s - E2 - 2196
Dec 3 b/w & u/s - E2 - 4973
Dec 5 b/w & u/s - E2 - 9050
Dec 7 - ER - 9am
Dec 10 - ET - 4 embies.....3-8 cell, 1-7 cell....all Grade 1
Beta - Dec 25, Christmas day!!!!!, Santa, I'm not asking for much.....just a double line!!!
Early beta Dec 22 - 421!! Thank you Santa!
Beta Dec 29 - 2659
U/S - Jan 16 - OMG, TRIPLETS!!!! ALL measuring 7 wks ALL with very strong h/b
U/S - Jan 30 - Triplets doing well. Strong h/b, measuring on track 9+weeks.
Feb 3 - Appt. with High Risk OB - misscarried 1 baby, Twins are strong.
U/S - Feb 10 - Twins are doing well!!
NT Scan Feb 17 - very good Heart beats 160-165
U/S - March 8 - 14 weeks - babies are doing great
U/S - March 30 - 17 weeks - can find out gender........but i passed - i want the ultimate surprise!
U/S - April 19 - 20 Weeks - cervix length - awesome....5.6cm!
U/S - April 27 - 21 weeks - babies are doin' good!
U/S - May 10 - 23 weeks - cervix length 5cm - babies good - heart rates 140 -149.
U/S - May 24 - 25 weeks - check up went well.....confirmed that i will be induced or scheduled c-section for 38 weeks!!
U/S - June 8 - 27 weeks - cervix length still locked and loaded.......5cm babies looking good - baby A 2lb 7oz baby B 2lb 12oz
U/S - June 28 -30 weeks - baby A still bum down and baby b head down.....it's looking like a c-section for me!
U/S - July 13 - 32 weeks - baby A has turned (head down) their weights - baby A 3lbs 15 oz and baby B 4lbs 3oz
U/S - July 23 - 34 weeks - both babies doing well - measuring right on track.
U/S - July 27 - 34 weeks - part 2 - just getting a 'quick' u/s done - babies lookin' good...though, baby B is being squished by baby A.....
U/S - Aug 3 - 35 weeks - induction date decided!! thank goodness - 'cause I am done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Induction date is August 18th - but I am already 2-3cm dialated - so we'll see if I meet 'the date'. Baby A weighs 6 lb 6 oz and baby B is 5lb 15 oz.
U/S - Aug 13 - 37 weeks - still sitting at 3cm dilated - confirmed induction date with L&D August 18th.

This pregnancy has been a long haul and I'm glad that it's nearly over!

Our 2 healthy baby boys arrived on Sunday August 19th - we are thrilled and over the moon......family is finally complete and now we can move on to the next chapter in our lives.......

#6 Red Wine

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 08:03 PM

Hugs!  I hope you and your hubby can find some common ground and then work from there.  However, I definitely second getting a second opinion.


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#7 gibasgirl

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Posted 18 February 2013 - 10:43 PM

I have been there and know how you feel.

My husband wanted to stop, but I simply could not bring myself to do that and it was an impossible situation to be in and I saw no way out on our own.

We saw a counsellor (one who had a specialty in fertility issues and was associated with a fertility clinic) and it helped us find the common ground that was non-existent before the help.

Getting a new set of eyes/new clinic to look at your case is also refreshing because sometimes new things are discovered.

I posted about my dilemma on this site, too.

You will get through it. All the best.
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#8 somewhathopeful

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Posted 21 February 2013 - 02:13 PM

Thanks for sharing your situation.  I'm not able to add any advice but I can relate.  We just finished out first IVF and it failed and the first thing my DH said was we are not doing that again.  He is very negative about the whole situation.  He thinks that it will never work and why put ourselves through that whole situation again.  I'm 35 in a month and seeing the 2 little eggs being put in during ET was the closest I've ever been to being pregnant and I'm not willing to give up. I feel there is Hope and I'm still clinging to the chance that maybe if we do it again it might work.

 

 My DH also thinks that it is too much money to "throw out the window'.  But I've said to him that having kids is expensive and I'm going to be spending that much money if I had them  and right now I have nothing to spend my money on besides mortgage and car (we live a farm which can be expensive).  I'm hoping to make an appointment with the doctor to see what he has in might for round 2 (IVF #2) and go from there. 

 

I know this doesn't help your situation but thank you again I just needed to share my thoughts.  Good luck with whatever you decide!


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Current age:
Me: 34 35
DH: 32 33

TTC - 2008 - on our own
2010 - IUI - 2 mature eggs - unsuccessful
2011 - IUI - 5 mature eggs - unsuccessful
2011 - went to Toronto Fertility Clinic - Lifequest - Biopsy test - testing the lining, found out I have a lining that doesn't allow an fertile egg to "stick", went on a medication that sent me into metapause for 3 months. (summer 2012)
2012 - started mock IVF trial but it was cancelled because I had cysts and my estrogen levels were too high
Dec. 2012 - starting again BCP and lupron shots for IVF try #2, hoping for retrieval in January 2013.

 

Jan. 24 2013

IVF #1 with ICSI - ET 12 follies - only 8 fertilized

Jan. 29 only 2 for ET - 3 possible for freezing

Jan 30 - 3 follies died - none for freezing

Feb. 12. BFN 

 

August 2013 (taking coq10 since April)

IVF#2 with ICSI and PGD - ET 10 follies - only 5 fertilizied

Canceled PGD testing since only 2 blasted by day 6

Canceled transfer for Day 5 to let embryos grow to day 6

Told on Day 6 that we froze two weak embryos and now have to decide when to do a frozen transfer.....

 


#9 gibasgirl

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Posted 21 February 2013 - 09:42 PM

Thanks for sharing your situation.  I'm not able to add any advice but I can relate.  We just finished out first IVF and it failed and the first thing my DH said was we are not doing that again.  He is very negative about the whole situation.  He thinks that it will never work and why put ourselves through that whole situation again.  I'm 35 in a month and seeing the 2 little eggs being put in during ET was the closest I've ever been to being pregnant and I'm not willing to give up. I feel there is Hope and I'm still clinging to the chance that maybe if we do it again it might work.
 
 My DH also thinks that it is too much money to "throw out the window'.  But I've said to him that having kids is expensive and I'm going to be spending that much money if I had them  and right now I have nothing to spend my money on besides mortgage and car (we live a farm which can be expensive).  I'm hoping to make an appointment with the doctor to see what he has in might for round 2 (IVF #2) and go from there. 
 
I know this doesn't help your situation but thank you again I just needed to share my thoughts.  Good luck with whatever you decide!


You know sometimes just sharing the common ground and common experience is a form of support. It makes the experience less lonely.

What you described was pretty much lifted from the pages of my life and I can relate to it because I had that experience, too.

Hmm makes me wonder if your husband is my husband's lost twin. :)
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#10 Pat9

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Posted 22 February 2013 - 08:45 AM

I think DH's focus a lot on the dollar aspect because that is their connection to the process - providing for us and the child after, or even before they are conceived or born. Some (mine included) put a lot of pressure on themselves before the baby is conceived to financially plan, etc. I think too that they have a hard time expressing it, but the lost hopes along the way are devastating to them too.


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#11 ladylazarus

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Posted 22 February 2013 - 11:19 AM

I agree about the devastating loss for DH's, too. And sometimes they have the impulse to 'fix' things when they go wrong, and this is something they can't fix, at least by ordinary means. It's easier to abandon the mission, and the pain of trying and failing altogether, rather than conclude that you just don't have ultimate control here. Better to move on to those parts of life you can control. My DH had some pretty devastating losses from the past, which I think can make you even more gunshy about exposing yourself to further pain. It can also lead to pessimism which starts to color your decisions about risky things like IVF. It ties in to the role of the husband as the provider and protector, someone who is supposed to mostly have control about bringing in good things and keeping out bad. I'm actually surprised at how tenacious I was about trying again after my chemical, when I had lost the support of my DH. It was part intuition that I was supposed to try again and part instinct, that primitive drive that was ready to sacrifice everything to try again. I guess I write about it over and over, when I see this theme pop up again, because it has forever changed me. I didn't know I could shoulder such a burden, being someone who is so prone to anxiety and so risk-averse. It was like the tables were turned and I was the strong one and he was the one who dug his heels in and refused to look until it was all over. I don't harbor any resentment (anymore), but I'll always remember it as a very strange time. For sure, counseling is a much better route, to find that middle ground rather than the extreme. I really do hope you can get him to open up.