I have not posted on this forum for a long time, but I wanted to come back and tell people my story. I received a lot of support on here when I was feeling quite hopeless, so I hope my story will give hope to others.
I began wishing for a baby while in my early thirties and in a long term, but unhappy relationship. He wasn't interested, despite having promised years earlier that we would have children together. I cajoled, badgered, fought, and was sloppy with birth control. In retrospect, I now thank God that I did not get pregnant in that relationship.
Eventually, that relationship ended (I was now 34), but my self-esteem had been destroyed and I was devastated by the loss of my dream to have a family. I was also desperate to find someone to have a baby with. A bad combination. After a couple of short, disasterous relationships, I realized that I could not force a relationship to work on my biological timeline.
After much soul searching, I decided to become a single mother by choice. I was 36. I went to the fertility clinic with every expectation that, now that I had given up on finding a partner, all would go smoothly. This new dream fell apart when I tested as having very high FSH. Several IUIs did not work, so the doctor suggested IVF.
I was determined that IVF would be the answer. I was now 37. I did everything to prepare -- took dozens of vitamins, took DHEA, drank green tea, did acupuncture, did yoga, gave up sugar, alcohol, and wheat, etc. etc. But my IVF was cancelled due to lack of response.
The day the IVF was cancelled was the worst day of my life. I had lost all hope. I had looked for love with a man, and had found only pain. I had looked for love through single parenthood, and that too had failed. I lived far from family. Work was not enough to give me a sense of purpose. I felt that my life truly had no meaning and I had no hope for the future. I laid in bed all day, with no motivation to keep going.
The next day was a beautiful, sunny day. I had taken the entire week off work, because I assumed that I would be going through the IVF procedure. I had no idea what to do with the week. Finally, I decided that I could not lie in bed for a week. I needed to keep living. It took a huge effort of will to get up, but I decided to walk to the farmer's market to pick up some food for the week.
That day at the market, while buying tomatoes, I saw a man that I had met casually a few times before. He was standing in the sun, looking quite handsome. Even though I am normally quite shy, something made me brave enough to go talk to him. Maybe I felt I had nothing left to lose.
Exactly one year later, we were married.
I am now 39 and married to the most gentle, loving, hard-working, family-oriented man -- the best man in the world. My sister has agreed to be an egg donor for us and we are currently undergoing tests to prepare for this. I still don't have a baby, but I am happy. My life is full of love and meaning, and I am with someone who wants a baby with me. We will find a way.
My story is my own, and it is different from any of yours. But I wanted to share it, because I wanted to tell all of you to never give up hope. Never feel that life is hopeless. Great happiness might be right around the bend, it might be only a day away. It is waiting for you, even though you can't see it yet. Don't give up.