5 replies to this topic

[schho]

Just wondering what you guys do...
People have told me to, relax, take a break, don't think about it.... you know the stupid stuff people say when they don't know what else to say.
I am just wondering what you guys do to sit back after another failed cycle to get back to your partner and reconnect. DH and I are struggling with our first failed IVF round and are bewildered at veterans who do this year after year.....
any tips?

[galfromaway]

My DH and I talked a lot through the whole process - neither of us withdrew or shut the other out, so I think that helped a good deal. Hugs were fantastic. So were taking time to do something special that was just us, be it going out for supper or taking a hike or going to see a movie. There would be tears involved for both of us, but there were also smile moments where we just enjoyed each other again.

Getting more physically intimate in a fun way is helpful too. With IVF and fertility challenges, sex and procreation can become so clinical, so getting to know each other that way is important. Play, hug, caress, do what you feel comfortable with to reconnect that way.

It's not an easy process, this whole IVF thing. And it's easy for this to pull couples apart. We've been fortunate in that it's made us closer.

Hang in there.

[Vetter]

We pretty much cried one night, gave each other the room necessary to work through it, whether it be talking, hugging, anger, horniness, or whatever. We also scheduled an impromptu vacation to Cabo, just to chillax. THAT helped the most in many ways - removed us both from our real world, tequila might have been a close friend (lol), and we reconnected as a couple just for fun!

However, please know that the first IVF is the hardest, and if/when the BFN happens it is most devastating (at least in my case). How did I make it through all five IVF's? After that first crushing defeat, I knew what to expect, and mentally and emotionally I could go about it as "business as usual". It helped save my sanity during the cycles. Once we determined we were done, then I could process what truly happened.

Hope this helps! Good luck in whatever your choose

[SunnyS]

I've heard lots of people that have schedule a vacation. Sometimes, a little time to relax and let loose can take the stress off. For some, to much time on your hands might be bad... so I guess only you can know what's right for you.

One thing I do know, is that having a great support system is key. Whether it be this message board, or friends in real life who have or are going through the same thing...

Can i ask - do you have any frosties left?

[schho]

we have 5 frosties. And I feel very blessed to have those! But I do worry that they used the best one on our fresh transfer....anyhow, just trying to regroup now. we feel very lucky that we do have a great family and friend support network, but even they don't know what its like.... its hard and I can't explain. there are no ways to explain all the feelings that are going through my body, or the thoughts that go through my head.

[Juliet]

I'm sorry for your failed cycle. It is so hard and personal that others not going through IVF really have no idea, and I was lucky that once I left work to pursue cycling, I stopped hearing as many dumb comments about motherhood, why I wasn't one, how I was poorly timing my pregnancies, etc. My close friends knew what I was going through and most already had children and then had more while I went through everything, so they were beyond compassionate and feeling grateful they could simply have sex and give birth 9 months later. They allowed me to drift away from things and never judged me, or said anything from their own opinion when I did see them - rather, just offered support or asked questions.

Otherwise, for me personally, I had to stay away from people and situations that would upset me. This was a healthy decision for me. When things didn't go well or I was having a really rough day, I chose to stick home and go moment-to-moment. DH allowed me to be sad, uncommunicative, no-personality, etc. ... he knew I was experiencing what he was, but throw in the extra drugs, hormones, procedures, etc. and he just allowed me to get through how I did.

I think it's wonderful you are being so proactive about thinking how you guys can be good to each other and also weather any let-downs. (Though hopefully next time will be THE ONE!!) That is such a healthy space and outlook to be in and to have, despite how you are feeling right now and the multitude of emotions and questions you are experiencing.

DH and I would have like to take a vacation, but money didn't allow for that, so we tried to occasionally do something like a movie, dinner, or bringing fun food in. He brought me flowers sometimes and once when I was shopping, I bought him something small but that I knew he wanted, just to say "Thanks for being so great to me and accepting me for me during the difficult days."

He also was proactive about protecting the times when it would be better just to be the two of us. This meant a lot, as he has many friends and is pretty active with sports and commitments at night. If we knew something big was coming up, or if we got an invitation and it had been a tough day, he would just turn it down, even if it meant we just sat home and watched TV together. Other times, I'd encourage him to go and have a good night with friends, if I didn't feel up to joining him. I knew he needed some fun and that he deserved it too.

That is awesome about your frosties Try to keep the faith and and know that many people are successful going through IVF, but often not on the first try. Give yourself permission to feel and think what you are and what you will as you prepare to go forward and try again. At times I also tried to tell myself that I would give myself the best opportunity with as optimistic and hopeful an outlook as possible, and that I would be healthier. However, we all know that is MUCH easier said than done!!

I have a feeling that we will be hearing great things from you in time... try to believe and wishing you all the very best!!