26 replies to this topic

[ellyn]

I'm just starting this whole process and have just completed all the initial diagnostic tests, and got the all clear to begin treatment for IVF in March.

I'm working on trying to find a sperm donor. I'm single, so am hoping to find someone with a similar ethnic background as me, which seems impossible.

I'm also restricted to Canadian compliant companies, and since I'm in Quebec, am restricted to donors who are NOT open identity. This is because although IVF is covered for 3 cycles here, including sperm costs, open id is more expensive, therefore not covered. I'm also only allowed one vial at a time.

These restrictions along with trying to find someone with a similar background as me, is impossible. If I found a donor who seemed perfect, and happened to be an open id donor, I would consider paying the extra for the sperm. But of course, there is no guarantee it will work for me.

I initially thought open id was something I wanted, but after doing some research, I see that its no guarantee that the donor won't change their mind and decide at some point not to be contacted. And since we're talking almost 20 yrs in the future, who knows what could happen... laws could change, donors might not be alive, etc. So I've decided that it's ok not to have an open id donor.

The clinic gave me the names of a few sperm banks they recommend. I've looked through their sites and some others not on the list, but have had a hard time. The clinic suggests coming up with my top 3 donors. I can't even find one. If someone seems close to what I want, they are open id, so I can't choose them and have it covered.

I thought there was a tiered process of choosing donors. If the donor decided open id, I could pay a regular fee not to contact them, or a higher fee for the open id option. This would make sense, otherwise, it's really limiting.

I realize that I probably have to loosen my requirements a bit. It's already such an overhwelming and surreal process, and not finding what I was hoping for, is making it even more stressful.

Any advice????

[buzzybee]

Hi Ellyn - The process of choosing a donor can be quite overwhelming, and I guess if you want a donor with a specific ethnic background you are particularly limited. Have you considered widening your search to include the open ID donors, like you said you might? If you can afford to pay for the sperm, it is probably a good idea, not because you necessarily want open ID but because it broadens your search and you might just find your perfect donor.

Other than ethnicity, what specific criteria are you looking for that makes it impossible to find a suitable donor? At the beginning of my search I would sometimes rule out men just because they said something weird in their essay, or they had weird taste in books or music or had studied something I would never be interested in. Then a friend reminded me that I don't have to actually ever meet this person, so I should stop worrying over whether I would like them or not. I think I was sort of treating it like online dating for awhile! I know what I like in terms of looks (i.e. I wanted tall and preferably dark hair), so some guys were a definite "no" while others went on my shortlist. Then I narrowed it down to men who seemed smart, accomplished, and had a mature attitude about the process. I also like a degree of athleticism. With those criteria I managed to find my three top choices.

I think my friend's advice was good - you don't have to ever meet this person and in the end, it really is just a gamete and you're going to love the child no matter what! Perhaps you should list your top two or three "must haves" (besides ethnicity), and then go from there?

Good luck in your search and with your IVF.

[ellyn]

I haven't even gotten to the point of reading their essays...I don't care what hobbies they have, or what their careers are. That is irrelevant. I'm just trying to find someone who is: Canadian compliant, good health, intelligent, good looks with dark hair and eyes. Similar ethnicity to me isn't going to happen even if I broaden it to open id donors. Previous pregnancies is important, similar blood type...I don't know?

[buzzybee]

I see. I thought maybe you were being too picky like I was at first! Have you tried googling the ethnicity you want, i.e. "X sperm donors"? If there are banks available that cater to that ethnicity maybe your clinic would let you order from there. During my donor consultation the RE told me that blood type doesn't matter and that all donors are in excellent health, so to focus on other things like looks and whether I prefer education, athleticism, etc.

Just out of curiousity, does Quebec cover IVF even for single women with no infertility issues? If so, that is amazing. I went to school there 10 years ago. Maybe I should have stayed!

[ellyn]

Well, I am a single woman with no known fertility issues, so I guess it does!! I'm fairly new to Quebec. Moved here from the States almost 2 yrs ago. I had no idea about the coverage until a few months ago. This is why I am just starting the process, and because of my age.

You only have to live in Quebec for 3 mths to be eligible for health care. Of course you have to have a job and those kinds of things, but I think for some people, it would be worth moving here just for this particular benefit. I don't how it is in the rest of Canada, but child care here is also very inexpensive.

I think I'm really going to have to spend the money for open id, not because that's so important, but because it broadens my options. It really doesn't make sense the way the whole thing operates. It would be nice to have the option, to pay extra for open id. If you don't want it, you agree that you and your child will not contact the donor and no identifying information is released. I see many banks are advertising open id,...because more people want that. But even though its great that its covered here, you have extremely limited choices, even if one doesn't have the ethnicity requirements like I do.

So I'm trying to weed through sperm donor sites for all these things. I have googled like you suggested but don't come up with much. Even if I do find someone, they have to be with a sperm bank that is Canadian compliant, or the donor has to be, it's so confusing to me.

I also see that some are IUI vials or ICSI vials or IVF. I don't understand that. Why can't it be that you find a donor that matches and say, here this is what I'm undergoing for my procedure, prepare the sperm that way. Instead it adds even more restrictions.

And what about CMV? I haven't done the research yet, but see that listed as well. My RE just gave me the list and didn't explain very much, but he crossed out the section that says "CMV result" and explains it a little. Does that not matter?

Also, if I find a donor now...and I want it to be covered, an anonymous one then, they might not be available when it's time for my IVF cycle. The RE said they order the sperm the day I come in for my Day 3 u/s. This is probably why he said to come with my top 3 choices. I know that if I pay for it, I can pre-pay.

I'm starting to get very anxious about the financial aspect of it all. Great it's covered here, but I didn't realize the limitations. I am already doing acupuncture at $100/wk plus herbs and some other supplements, plus the diagnostics were all out of pocket. I know I shouldn't complain esp with so many people paying for the entire thing out of pocket, but I was expecting to pay for the sperm costs too. I'm not sure if I choose open id, if I have to pay for the shipping, storage, vials, and whatever other fees there are. Or maybe I just pay the sperm costs and the gov pays the other fees??

[buzzybee]

That's great about the coverage. I suppose with anything that is publicly funded there are limitations, but I still wouldn't trade public healthcare for anything! Now we just need to get IVF funded in the other provinces. Too bad I'm not in a position to move back, although there was a documentary on TV recently about male factor infertility and a couple in Ottawa was seriously considering crossing the border to live in Quebec so they could do IVF.

I chose an open ID donor through Xytex. I know that contact at the age of 18 is not guaranteed, but I still wanted that little bit of insurance in case both the child and donor are willing to meet. So far I have used two donors without success. I wanted to try my second choice just to see if it was an issue with the first donor's sperm not liking my eggs. Also, my first donor was 'out of stock' when I wanted to do my fourth round of IUI. For my next round I will be going back to my first donor, just because he has new inventory. I noticed at first that Xytex put him back on their database, he wasn't listed as Canadian compliant, but now he is. Same with my second choice donor. I didn't even find him on my initial search because he wasn't Canadian compliant, but my RE suggested him because he met my criteria and the clinic happened to have some of his old vials in stock. According to the Xytex website, a donor is considered Canadian compliant if he gets tested for chlamydia and gonorrhea at the time of his sample. So I guess my donors have done those tests with certain samples, so that some vials become Canadian compliant. Depending on what sperm bank you are dealing with, I wonder if you can call up and ask if the donor you are interested in could get tested so that he can become Canadian compliant. Xytex has been really great in answering my questions. I've emailed them to ask certain questions about my donors that were not in the profiles, so I suppose you could email your bank to inquire about this.

I am not sure how IVF or ICSI vials differ because I've only done IUI which requires washed sperm. I always order my samples prewashed so that the clinic doesn't have to do the washing. Don't quote me on this, but I think the difference with IVF/ICSI vials is that the sperm doesn't need to be washed. Washing just makes the sperm really concentrated which is what you want for IUI, whereas for IVF/ICSI it doesn't matter if there are fewer sperm in the sample because everything is being done in a petri dish. The ladies on the some of the IVF threads may offer you more assistance with this question though!

I don't think CMV status is anything to worry about since none of the donors have an active CMV infection when they give a sample. Here is what the Xytex website says about it:

"Xytex tests each donor for Cytomegalovirus (CMV), an extremely common virus that nearly every adult has at one time or another. You will note the appropriate icon beside each donor to reflect his CMV IgG status. Whether the icon indicates positive or negative does not qualify or disqualify the donor. Xytex accepts samples from a donor with an IgG positive result which indicates a non-active CMV infection. An IgM positive result indicates an active CMV infection and the donor is considered unacceptable. Xytex recommends that you discuss the CMV status of your donor with your doctor if you have any questions or concerns."

I think what that means is that a CMV positive donor has had the virus in the past but it is non-active. As they say, most people have had it at one point or another. Just keep in mind that all donors are rigorously screened for diseases and health status, so you don't really need to worry about that stuff.

I hear you about the finances. It really adds up! I'm not doing acupuncture but I've been taking CoQ10 and DHEA to improve my egg quality, and both of these supplements aren't cheap. At least you can rest assured you're doing everything you can to maximize your chances. I'm not sure about what the shipping costs etc. are for sperm. My clinic just charged a flat rate (I paid more because my donors were open ID) which I think included shipping. They haven't said anything about storage so I wonder if that was included as well. I only have two vials remaining and they are on hold for me at the clinic, and I plan to use them this spring so I don't think I'd be charged for storage unless I planned to keep it there for a year or more. If I was in your shoes I'd probably spring for the extra money for open ID, just because that might help you find your perfect donor and knowing that will be your only major cost if the IVF's are covered.

[ellyn]

Thanks so much for sharing.

When you went through Xytex, did you purchase a package to view detailed profiles, or did you purchase individual detailed profiles for the donors you were most interested in??

I did do some research and see that if I choose open donor, I have to pay for all sperm related costs, incl shipping.

[buzzybee]

I did purchase the Ultra Unlimited package and it was great because you can view all profiles including photos for 90 days. Well worth it for me because I did base quite a bit of it on looks so I had to be able to compare the donor pictures.

[MapleBecky]

I'm not sure if my husband will ever be comfortable with donor sperm. I have been researching it. I think I would consider open ID to see if it would open up some possibilities, especially since you don't have to pay for the IVF. My clinic only recommends CVM- sperm, so that narrowed down my search. What helped me is that I started with a maybe list. It took me forever to even find a few to put on there, then once I started getting more used to looking at profiles, I was able to continue narrowing down. I have a "favourite", just in case, and never thought I would even find one I remotely liked.

It definitely takes time. Good luck to you!

[ellyn]

I'm so confused looking through all these sites. My clinic suggested: outreach Health services (which lists Xytex), Canamcryo (which is also Xytek's listing of Canadian compliant donors), and repromedltd.com (which is also Xytek).

So I had looked at Xytek and then went back through the sites above, only to find they all link back to Xytek! Urrrggghhh!!!

Also the Outreach Health Services has links to Xytek, Cryogenic labs, Seattle, European, Fairfax.

Cryogenic labs has a piddly amount of donors listed. But when I looked for packages to purchase, it takes me to the California Cryobank site! And there are a whole lotta profiles there. I realize I have to find Canadian compliant ones, and that's probably what the Outreach site is trying to do, but it's so confusing.

I really want to see some physical features, I don't care so much about audio clips, or essays, I would like to have an idea of what the person looks like. And not just a staff members subjective opinion comparing him to Keanu Reeves, when he probably really looks like Rush Limbaugh.

I did see a couple that look interesting, but want to narrow down to one clinic and then purchase a package or something so I can get a better idea.

Did you purchase right away and store it or wait until just before IVF?? My RE was so vague and I felt so rushed. If I find someone now, they could potentially be out by my next cycle. Unless I do open id and buy myself.

Sorry if I"m repetitive, this is so confusing and making my head hurt.

[buzzybee]

I purchased Xytex sperm through Repromed because I was going to Repromed's clinic at the time. I still have my two vials on ice there, but I've switched clinics. Some of the girls on this site have said very good things about Outreach. Does your clinic do donor consultations? Repromed has one that you can do in person or via skype (it is called D.A.D.S.). They will show you photos of the Canadian donors that are listed on their website, as well as the Xytex ones. I had already purchased my Xytex package before the in-person consultation, so I'd browsed the profiles and had my shortlist (although the doctor showed me the guy who became my second choice donor, since he wasn't listed as Canadian compliant but they happened to have some of his vials in storage from when he previously gave Canadian compliant samples). I mostly booked the in-person consultation because I was curious about a couple of the Canadian donors. I did find it helpful because the doctor basically took the criteria I had written down and suggested some donors to me. I went home and continued to browse the Xytex profiles for a couple of weeks, and I ended up going back to one of my original choices. Perhaps you could book a consultation with Repromed or Outreach and tell them about the ethnic background you're looking for, and they can help search around and perhaps even call some of the banks to see if they can make some Canadian compliant vials by having the donors take the tests.

[ellyn]

Will they do that? Have donor take the additional testing, just to make them Canadian compliant?? I'm surprised they would, but its only for syphilis and ghonnorhea right?? I didn't think anyone got syphillis anymore. If that's the case, then being Canadian compliant might not be such a big deal.

The clinic doesn't do anything with donor consultations. I'd have to do it via phone or skype with Repromed, since I'm in Montreal.

[Thank you to the person who keeps emailing me, BUT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN FINDING A KNOWN SPERM DONOR!!!! PLEASE DO NOT MESSAGE ME ANYMORE!].

[buzzybee]

Haha, that is funny and annoying about the emails. I never got those but by the time I joined here I was already in the process and had my donor. Its weird how some men will try anything to spread their seed.

I think it is worth asking if they can make somebody Canadian compliant. I'm just thinking that because both of the donors I used were at times listed as Canadian-compliant and at times not, so I wonder if it is a matter of whether they took the additional STD tests when they left certain samples. If the donor you choose is still coming in to the bank weekly or monthly to give samples, I don't see why they couldn't have him do the additional tests if he agreed. An email to the bank might be all you need to do to find out.

[ellyn]

I went through the listings on Xytex, Repromed, and Cryogenic, and Fairfax, all the ones listed on the Outreach site. There is repetition among them, which makes it very confusing.

I found a few on Xytex, only 2 on Repromed, 1 on Fairfax, and also checked California Cryobank (went directly there in addition to Cryogenic which is also California Cryo and where Outreach directs you to, more selections here but not necessarily Canadian compliant). Found 2 there. None on the Cryogenic Canadian compliant list.

I tried to do this same tactic with Xytex, but no matter how I try to find the Xytex U.S. site, I'm always redirected back to the Outreach page for Xytex. So I can't even look at the non-Canadian compliant ones. I still found the most selection on the Xytex link through Outreach, but wanted to see about others in the chance that I could request they be tested for Canadian compliancy.

Any ideas on how I can access Xytex U.S.?

[buzzybee]

I had that same problem with the Xytex site, just in the past few months. It always directed me back to the Repromed site. I was using Google Chrome, so I closed it and tried using Internet Explorer and that took me directly to the American site. I think you can also try clearing your cache to see if that works. It is really annoying, it never used to do that until recently!

[ellyn]

Thanks, that worked. I also called Outreach to clarify a few things. She said what I thought, the lists they provide are the same as the sperm company sites, they just list the Canadian compliant donors.

She also said that it is possible that someone could be in the process of becoming Canadian compliant, so check frequently. And said i would have to ask the company if they would do the necessary testing so the donor was Can compliant. I guess it's not unheard of.

I still find the most on Xytex which is still not much.

I wonder if its worth the $200 to pay for the consultation to Outreach. I don't have much time and its not like they can create donors where they don't exist, so not sure if it would help.

I will probably then buy the package at Xytex to look at extended profiles. They have the most with adult pictures and I think that would really help me decide.

[Dempie]

We also had a hard time choosing a suitable donor and I found that my wish list got smaller and smaller. I refer to the sperm donor search as Slim Pickings for us Canadians. We used Outreach both times and I purchased the Xytex package to look at extended profiles the second time around. I was always surprised by the adult photos of the donors that I thought would match my hubby and they were completely different.

One thing I found frustrating was that the Outreach and Xytex websites would have a list of available donors however after I purchased the package (to view photos and extended profiles), some of the ones we were interested in had 'retired' or they only had units available to those wanting a second child from the same donor. Nonetheless, I'm would gladly pay again to see the ext. profiles.
Good luck with your search!

[ellyn]

There is a separate consultation fee through Outreach for $199 that includes help in choosing a donor and profiles from companies, but Excluding xytex. So it's another $165 or whatever to purchase the extended profiles for 3 mths though Xytex.

I"m wondering about the Outreach services and if that is worthwhile. It sounds like they put you on lists to notify you when new donors who match come up, help you select. The fees are unbelievable for all of these various services, $25 to see a silhouette! My god. I think that was through Fairfax. But geez, it's outrageous. I don't care about their essays, honestly. It gets into the whole nature vs nurture debate, and frankly, I think someones personality comes primarily through nurture, so who cares about their essays and what they think? I mean, it would be nice to know that they are good people, but they could be lying too.

I did find a nice veterinarian though!

[Excited]

Ellyn, did you do your testing for your CMV status? I would suggest you do that asap and here's why. I looked at a bunch of donor's online and found some that i liked that were CMV+. Problem is, when my testing came back, I found out that I am CMV- and I therefore cannot use a CMV+ donor. So, my options were cut by half or more when I found that out. A clinic will not let you mix with a + if you are a -, but if you are a +, then you can have donor's from eithe - or +. Basically, it's because a clinic does not want to "infect" you with the virus.

[Excited]

Also, once you find your donor and order a unit, they will ship it to your clinic and then your clinic will store it- for free for you I guess. Wow, you are so lucky to have all that paid for.

[buzzybee]

Excited - I never knew that about the CMV status. My clinic didn't say anything to me about it. Both of my donors are + but I don't know my own status (although I'm sure the clinic tested for it). Is it a problem infecting the mother with CMV, or the potential baby? Hm, I guess I should ask my clinic.

Ellyn - If you want to see photos of the Canadian donors, I think you'll have to pay for a skype consultation, no? Does Outreach have their own Canadian donors, or is it just Repromed? I ended up shelling out the money for the Repromed consultation just because I wanted to see some of the Canadian guys and there was no way to pay and see their photos online. I ended up going with Xytex though. I think you should go with the Xytex package because once you see the photos it will help. I agree that the essays don't mean as much as the other stuff. I just didn't want to choose a donor who sounded like a complete moron in his essay because one day my kid might read it and say 'really? My donor is an idiot?' I really did find that most of them seemed smart and accomplished though, and quite mature about the process. I think with Xytex, I read that of the men who apply, only 5% are accepted as donors, so they really do weed out the crazies. After I chose my donors I emailed Xytex for 'staff impressions' of them. They wrote back stuff like 'he is always very nice when he comes in...' and about my other one 'he's very shy and humble but handsome...' etc. Of course the staff could just be making stuff up but I felt a bit better hearing from somebody who'd met them that they weren't weirdos.

[ellyn]

My RE never said anything about my CMV results, I don't even know if they tested for it. He crossed this out on the sperm donor information sheet he gave me. I was thinking about everything else and didn't get a chance to ask him about that.

Reprodmed does have just Canadian donors and I think you have to pay some fee for that, not sure if its the consultation fee or something else. But Outreach has listings for several companies, and you'd have to pay directly to that company for profiles. But Outreach has a separate consultation fee. Outreach is just like a distributor, I guess. They don't have their own donors, but create the listings of Canadian complaint donors. So, it's not a separate list, which makes it confusing. The girl told me that if I'm looking at Xytex site for example, and it doesn't show Canadian compliancy, I can double check their site. Repromed is not affiliated with Outreach, it's a separate company. I think.

I agree about the essays. It would be nice to know they could at least spell. And the staff impressions, seem very vague and general, not very helpful. I mean, are they going to tell you, "Oh, he looks like a serial killer, and smells of Old Spice". And its so subjective, which is why I'd really like to see adult photos. Otherwise, it feels like such a mystery and wondering what they heck you're child could possibly look like. I know it's never a guarantee, but at least you know that if someone lists they have brown hair and dimples, a pic confirms it. Unless of course, they use hair dye!

[buzzybee]

"Old Spice...", lol. I agree - the Xytex package is well worth it. I would never have chosen a donor without knowing what he looked like. I also wanted to see the photos so I could guess what features would go well with my own. You still never know what your kid is going to look like, but still. The photos give you an idea of things like build and bone structure that the profiles can't tell you. Plus, the whole thing is very subjective. I wanted someone who was handsome to me. As the doctor told me during the Repromed consultation, "you're going to have to look at that face for the rest of your life so choose someone who is pleasing to you!"

[ellyn]

Good point about having to look at them for the rest of their life. I can't image if they child looked nothing like me, and I never saw the donor, I would always wonder did they get that Jay Leno chin from the donor's side or is my chin really that big?? I have thoughts that I would be looking at a stranger, but I'm sure that will all diminish, if/when the time came. I doubt those things would be so important.

I have to check out the CMV piece still, maybe I'll call my clinic and ask tomorrow. I feel like they are so hands off for this part, and I'm just left to figure it all out on my own. With the help of folks on these forums of course!

[buzzybee]

Yeah, I am sure once your child arrives, thoughts about the donor will sort of fade into the background and it will be all about the child. But I still wouldn't have chosen without seeing photos first. I know some people do, but I guess I am just a visual person.

I've researched the CMV thing a bit and the general consensus is that if you are negative, you should try to choose a donor who is also negative, but the risk of transmission to the fetus is quite low: http://www.cryolab.com/blog/?p=83. I imagine the clinics suggest a negative donor so they don't get sued later on. I don't even know my status because the clinic never mentioned it. I think I'm probably positive, because it is related to chicken pox and shingles and I have had both of those before. Anyway, I will ask my RE next week at my appointment.