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TTC AMH 38 ivf clomid

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#1 philogaia

  • Just Hatched
  • 1 posts
  • Dx:Unexplained

Posted 12 June 2019 - 12:59 PM

Dear TTC Family, 


I never thought I'd be here, writing an open letter, exposing the hurt, sadness, depression, and anxiety that has developed due to infertility.  I am 38 years and have low AMH and am healthy otherwise.  My partner, 39 has had one abnormal sperm test and then a subsequent "normal" test.  This process has impacted our relationship and it feels permanently damaged.  We are aware of this and are trying to work through it, but the weight of TTC has left us distant, uncommunicative (mostly me) so I've sought out counselling. 


Our clinic is like a puppy mill.  They don't know you other than for your chart number and haven't really individualized our care.  "Here.  Try Clomid for 6 months and come back and talk to us."  


We've transfered our care to an out-of-province clinic and are awaiting our phone consultation with them.  I feel like time is running out and like I'm not sure I even want to attempt IVF.  The emotional and financial toll is too great.  


I'm not sure what else to say except I'm in a dark place and don't feel like myself anymore.  Thanks for reading.  I look forward to reaching out to you, too. 



#2 Daisy.Eriksen

  • Global 100+
  • 500 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Ontario
  • Dx:DOR

Posted 13 June 2019 - 07:00 AM

Hi Philo


I am so sorry to read your story. Infertility sucks. It causes so much sadness and anxiety and can harm relationships. I'm glad to hear you have sought out counselling. I've been seeing a therapist who specializes in infertility for three years and it's made such a difference to have someone to talk to about all these things. I hope you and your partner are able to work through these issues. I have found that our relationship has gone through ups and downs over the years - sometimes I find infertility brings us closer together, and other times it has felt like we are worlds apart in our own grief. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it still is something we have to work on every day.


I'm sorry you're not comfortable with your clinic. I'm glad you're checking out another one. You'll spend a lot of time with a clinic so you want to make sure it's one you feel like you're getting good care. 


Sometimes not pursuing IVF is the right choice. It is a draining process, financially, emotionally and physically. There are other ways to have children in your life - adoption, fostering, egg or embryo donation, being the best auntie. But if you feel like you need to pursue IVF to feel like you've tried all the options, I can say that it is bearable. And sometimes having a plan is enough to give a little bit of hope. 38 is not too old yet, although your doctor will give you realistic ideas of your chances based on your test results.


I hope you have a chance to see a counsellor soon. I'm sorry you're in such a dark place. I have been there, and it is tough. I think what helped me was therapy, keeping a gratitude journal, practicing mindfulness, trying to eat healthy and exercise (and at other times, eating all the junk food), complaining to my mom, and time. 


Thinking of you xx

TTC since 2013

Unsuccessful IVFs 2014-2016

Unsuccessful known egg donor cycle 2018

Donor Egg Bank Assured Refund plan 2019

Two unsuccessful DE transfers 2019

Unsuccessful DE transfer 2020

DE transfer Nov 2020 - BFP

More about my journey in my profile

#3 walnut29

  • Member
  • 23 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Dx:DOR

Posted 03 July 2019 - 12:25 AM

Hi Philo,


I had my infertility diagnosis way before TTC, at age 18, and it took me 4 years before I really was able to even talk about it without sobbing hysterically. My partner at the time was extremely unsupportive. I'm 10 years down the line now. I still schedule time to cry and "feel sad".


It's so hard. All I can say is just let yourself feel all your sadness, anger, etc. It's all valid. It's a huge loss and other people don't get it, unless they have gone through it themselves. Don't assume friends and family will actually be able to support/understand you in this, although you may be lucky. Counselling is a great idea. Don't be afraid to try different people until you find someone that actually helps you. 


You may feel alone, but there are so many other people suffering as well. 1 in 8 right? Try to take comfort in the fact that you're not alone in your struggles.


Internet hugs.

#4 TracyFlick

  • Global 100+
  • 118 posts
  • Dx:Other

Posted 09 July 2019 - 11:45 AM

Hi Philo - how is it going? Any developments with the new clinic?


I think the best thing I did in terms of fertility (I had two consecutive losses and then was misdiagnosed twice) was get help from a therapist (mine is partly covered by benefits, but there are also free support groups) and get educated. I read a LOT about fertility generally and changed my diet, supplements, stress management, how I approached doc appts and decision-making, etc. Support and information are essential. Keep us posted and take care.

January 2017 TTC

March 2017 BFP

April 2017 m/c

July 2017 BFP

August 2017 m/c

Stopped TTC to investigate issue

January 2018 Cycle monitoring; two misdiagnoses regarding fertility issues

August 2018 Septate found / uterine septum removal

November 2018 IVF #1: seven eggs, six mature, six fertilized with ICSI, four embryos, two PGS-tested normal

July 2019 IVF #2: 21 eggs; 17 mature, 13 fertilized with ICSI, seven embryos, five PGS-tested normal

Sept. 2020 first FET with 4AA PGS-tested embryo; BFP; low rising numbers but excellent scans

June 2021 healthy baby girl via C-section <3.

Future: Considering trying again when permitted following C-section but might be one and done. Will donate embryos to research if any remain unused when we are done.

Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: TTC, AMH, 38, ivf, clomid