Just needing to vent. - General Infertility - IVF.ca Forums

Jump to content



Photo
- - - - -

Just needing to vent.


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 Aimeehug

Aimeehug
  • Global 100+
  • 474 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:St. Albert
  • Interests:Writing, reading, volleyball, yoga, watching TV
  • Dx:Endometriosis
  • My Clinic:PCRM

Posted 19 February 2019 - 01:53 PM

Sometimes I feel like I get too negative and emotional. I know others do go through this pain, though too. I just feel like I complain a lot, and I don't want to, but emotions have been rough last few days and I need to share it.

I have a therapist now, I'm seeing her every other week, and unfortunately, we haven't even touched the infertility stuff yet, because I have so much other loss and grief that's unresolved, and she (and I, to a certain extent) feel that I need to process all my other losses and incorporate them in order to deal with the infertility stuff too.

When I first booked the appointment, that made sense, I was doing okay with infertility stuff, but last couple of days have been rough. I don't see her again until next week.

 

I'm doing my FET beginning of March, and I'm having a hard time feeling hopeful. I was so hopeful for my fresh transfer, and it worked! And then I lost it before it even began. And I know women can and do get pregnant again, and have it stick, but I also know there's a chance it won't, and I just don't know how much I can do with this. But I have to, because I can't quit either.

 

I joined a forum on fertility friend app 3 ish years ago. There were 12 of us in the group, all dealing with various levels of infertility/loss. We became such a close knit group, we became face book friends and have our own private fb group.
I remember worrying that I might be the last one in the group to get pregnant....and well, here we are, 3.5 years into infertility journey and the stats for the group are

6 got pregnant within the first year or so and now have 6mo-2 year olds. One of them is pregnant with her second and she's like 37 weeks.

2 got pregnant through IVF. They were some of my main supports, as they were in the deep with me, but one has a 8 or 9 month old and the other just gave birth. They're still supportive but not the same.

2 have older children and were trying to have babies with their current partner, but have both decided not to continue for their own personal reasons. I know they both hurt, too, but they're not very active in the group anymore

1 had a divorce, so she hasn't tried much over the last couple of years. She is now currently trying with her new partner, and just had a chemical, and I know she's hurting too, but again, she's barely active in the group, so not much of a support.

and me. Feeling a little sorry for myself and trying really hard not to. But one of my main support groups has basically become a mom's group.

 

I have a friend who just went through IVF, and when I got pregnant in December, I was so excited, we'd be able to share mat leaves and have babies grow up. She's probably one of the few people that I didn't get upset when she announced she was pregnant, because she's been trying even longer than me, and went through 2 IVF cycles and one FET to get this baby. However, as her Due date comes closer and closer (April) and I see how pregnant she is, my initial excitement and true enjoyment for her is turning more and more into jealousy and I HATE that.

 

Oh, and let's not forget how when I was anxious about being pregnant, I decided to start a DD group here, thinking if I just go all in, and not let myself fall to my fears, everything will be okay. And now I have to avoid the bottom half of the forums, because if I don't and I see a new post in August 2019 due date group, I realize the group is continuing without me.

Sorry for the long rant, I do feel better getting it all out. Sorry if it's full of negativity, just heart is hurting extra lately. Now I'm going to blast some 90s music and relive my youth. Totally forgot about Dishwalla's Counting Blue Cars "Tell me all your thoughts on God."
 


me: 34 DH: 35 TTC since: Sep 2015

 

Jan 2018- Lap for Endo, and septum removal surgery

Mar-Aug 2018- 3 failed IUIs

Nov 2018- IVF...got my very first ever positive. 

Dec 19 2018- confirmed loss. at 5 weeks. cry.gif

Feb. 2019- preparing for first FET. Let's do this!

March 13, 2019- Transfer date for FET #1

March 18, 2019- turned 34 and got a squinter 5dp5dt.

March 22, 2019- Positive Beta! 

April 8, 2019- 1st ultrasound. all good except a small SCH.


#2 Aimeehug

Aimeehug
  • Global 100+
  • 474 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:St. Albert
  • Interests:Writing, reading, volleyball, yoga, watching TV
  • Dx:Endometriosis
  • My Clinic:PCRM

Posted 19 February 2019 - 04:01 PM

Thanks Octopus.
I do try to remind myself I"m lucky I can afford IVF. And not only that, we may be able to go on a nice trip to Italy soon (Although I have reservations about it, because I'm anxious to book a trip in case I'm not pregnant, and would rather do another FET, and not delay it). However, it's a luxury to be able to have that choice, and I try to remind myself of that. One of the ladies in my FF group can't afford IVF, and although she's not trying now for health reasons, once she tries, I know she's at a place of naturally or bust. And sometimes I feel guilty complaining when I know that's her situation.

I also try to remind myself that most people do get pregnant this way. Last year, I'd say that even through my bad days, I remembered that. Just having a harder time remembering it now, and not falling into my patterns of reminding myself of all the bad luck/losses I've had in my life, and worry this will just be another.
Just need to try to remember these positives, and try to regain that hope again. Maybe when I see the nice little 4AA blast transfer I'll feel better and excited again.


  • CdnHockeyGal likes this

me: 34 DH: 35 TTC since: Sep 2015

 

Jan 2018- Lap for Endo, and septum removal surgery

Mar-Aug 2018- 3 failed IUIs

Nov 2018- IVF...got my very first ever positive. 

Dec 19 2018- confirmed loss. at 5 weeks. cry.gif

Feb. 2019- preparing for first FET. Let's do this!

March 13, 2019- Transfer date for FET #1

March 18, 2019- turned 34 and got a squinter 5dp5dt.

March 22, 2019- Positive Beta! 

April 8, 2019- 1st ultrasound. all good except a small SCH.


#3 hw209

hw209
  • Global 100+
  • 131 posts
  • Dx:Unexplained
  • My Clinic:Calgary Regional Fertility Program

Posted 19 February 2019 - 06:09 PM

Ugh, this journey is so hard. I have bad days too, and it sucks. I was in a similar situation, when one of my best friends told me she was pregnant (the first month they tried), I was also expecting and we were exactly a month apart. I so hoped it would work out for me so we could share mat leaves and our babies would be close in age. However, I miscarried and she went on to have a healthy son last week. (My transfer date on Thursday for my FET is actually her due date.) Since I lost that baby, I had another friend get pregnant with #2 accidentally and friends who got married last May and were only not not trying told me on Saturday theyre due in September. I will be almost the last person in my large friend group to have a child even though Ive been trying almost the longest. It is really frustrating and easy to feel down. Im still optimistic for my FET, but if this one doesnt work I think Ill really struggle being hopeful in the future. I feel your pain and Im glad you can get everything off your chest here. Im keeping my fingers crossed that both our FETs work!
  • CdnHockeyGal likes this

#4 quandry

quandry

    Basket Case

  • Cyclebase
  • 6250 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Dx:DOR

Posted 19 February 2019 - 07:40 PM

Listen - infertility sucks. Its not fair and its just a big load of steaming crap that we wouldnt even wish on our enemies. So - you are 10000000000000000% entitled to how you feel. Dont feel a need to apologize. Dont feel guilty. Its ok. Its ok to avoid mommy groups. Its ok to feel weird about even close friends who you were previously happy for. Its ok to avoid the bottom of the forums here. Thats why theyre at the bottom and not the top! Did you know you can even get rid of them too if you wanted? (I remember years ago that one of the stupidest things I did was visit a due date group that I was a part of here and I remember my heart breaking.).

Im sorry youre a part of this crazy exclusive group. Know that its ok to not be ok with not being ok! And its even ok to wallow in that sadness for a little while too. Hugs.
  • CdnHockeyGal, hopefuldadsomeday and hw209 like this

See about me page.

 

 


#5 Aimeehug

Aimeehug
  • Global 100+
  • 474 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:St. Albert
  • Interests:Writing, reading, volleyball, yoga, watching TV
  • Dx:Endometriosis
  • My Clinic:PCRM

Posted 19 February 2019 - 08:23 PM

Thanks all

Hw how heartbreaking about your due date coming up. I think you might have mentioned that the FET was booked for same date and I forgot. Ive been thinking about you lots and Im so rooting for you for this one.

Thanks quandary. I think I might hide the DD group. Thats a really good idea. I was tempted to read through the messages because I also do stupid stuff like that and I have so far resisted! I think hiding it will put away that temptation more though. I dont understand why we do stuff like that.

I have book club tonight and my ivf pregnant friend was coming but officially texted me shes too tired... getting tougher to sleep and all....

The infertility turned mom group is surprisingly still one of my better support groups. They do get it and are cheering me on, but its definitely one I stay clear of sometimes and find myself turning here more and more. And being super grateful for the community here and all the lovely ladies here :)
Now to prepare for book club and do something completed baby and infertility free.
  • CdnHockeyGal likes this

me: 34 DH: 35 TTC since: Sep 2015

 

Jan 2018- Lap for Endo, and septum removal surgery

Mar-Aug 2018- 3 failed IUIs

Nov 2018- IVF...got my very first ever positive. 

Dec 19 2018- confirmed loss. at 5 weeks. cry.gif

Feb. 2019- preparing for first FET. Let's do this!

March 13, 2019- Transfer date for FET #1

March 18, 2019- turned 34 and got a squinter 5dp5dt.

March 22, 2019- Positive Beta! 

April 8, 2019- 1st ultrasound. all good except a small SCH.