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#1 Aimeehug

Aimeehug
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  • Dx:Endometriosis
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Posted 31 December 2018 - 12:13 PM

Happy New Year's all.

 

I'm having a bit of a difficult day, and I realized it's because I was convinced 2018 would be my year. I started the New Year with all the positive hopeful vibes. For the first time in a couple of years, we were actually doing things. I had uterine septum removal and lap/endo removal in January. Had three IUIs and then our first ever round of IVF. And nothing to show for any of it. 

Well, that's not true. We have four blasts in the freezer, and one of them could be our baby. And I know that's good odds. 2019 could be our year. But it is really, really hard to be hopeful when I thought last year was our year. Who's to say this year will be any different?

3.5 years of trying. I thought I'd have a toddler by now. I'm trying to enjoy my childfree days- had some drinks. Spent all day yesterday playing Wii U which I haven't done for years, haha. Who can do that when you have kids? But this is hard, folks. I know you all know that.
I guess I just needed to post this in a place where I know others feel the same way.

I'm trying to remember that people do come out the other side of this. But I keep thinking about all the ones who have multiple failed transfers, multiple MC and my heart simultaneously aches for them, and also worries for me.

BTW, has anyone else watched One More Shot, and ugly cried, not just for yourself, but because you could feel her devastation with each failure? Just knew exactly what she was feeling and hurt so much for her? My husband thought I was crazy.


me: 34 DH: 35 TTC since: Sep 2015

 

Jan 2018- Lap for Endo, and septum removal surgery

Mar-Aug 2018- 3 failed IUIs

Nov 2018- IVF...got my very first ever positive. 

Dec 19 2018- confirmed loss. at 5 weeks. cry.gif

Feb. 2019- preparing for first FET. Let's do this!

March 13, 2019- Transfer date for FET #1

March 18, 2019- turned 34 and got a squinter 5dp5dt.

March 22, 2019- Positive Beta! 

April 8, 2019- 1st ultrasound. all good except a small SCH.


#2 returnable

returnable
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Posted 31 December 2018 - 01:02 PM

Aimeehug I am sorry what you are going through. I am sure others will chime in, but here is my take on everything. Unfortunately having a baby is not a guarantee. We set goals for ourselves over which we have no control over on this infertility journey. When we finally reached out for help, I thought finally, this would be it. Although we are expecting now, I came to realize that we would never have a guarantee of a happy ending. Many have not.

 

The best that you can do is be the best that you can be in terms of physical and mental health. For me I had to coach myself into doing what I could, but letting go of any results. This is the best advice that I can give you for a very difficult journey.



#3 hw209

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Posted 31 December 2018 - 04:03 PM

Hi Aimee, I think we are in a very similar place in our journeys. This is also my fourth Christmas/New Years since I started trying and I too thought I would have a child by now. Every year at New Years Ive thought it would be my last before I became a parent. Its a very emotional time for me and so hard as I watch all my friends post photos of their kids (most conceived after I started trying). All I can say is that we are both a lot closer now than we were a year ago given we both have frozen embryos waiting for us in 2019. I really hope we both are successful with our FETs and get our rainbows next year. Im so happy we have this forum to support each other.

#4 Daisy.Eriksen

Daisy.Eriksen
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Posted 01 January 2019 - 10:18 AM

Aimee, I totally understand how you feel. It is so hard to go through yet another holiday season without being pregnant or having a child. I have no words of wisdom, just commiseration.

But here's to 2019 - may it be a positive year filled with joy for all of us.


TTC since 2013

Unsuccessful IVFs 2014-2016

Unsuccessful known egg donor cycle 2018

Donor Egg Bank Assured Refund plan 2019

Two unsuccessful DE transfers 2019

More about my journey in my profile


#5 Daisy.Eriksen

Daisy.Eriksen
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Posted 01 January 2019 - 12:25 PM

Also, three years was probably the lowest point for me. That's when I finally started seeing my therapist. She said it's common for three years to be one of the hardest times. (And it's true, I have found the last years better than those earlier years.) Somehow that made me feel better about how sad I was. Just wanted to share in case that helps you a bit. xx


TTC since 2013

Unsuccessful IVFs 2014-2016

Unsuccessful known egg donor cycle 2018

Donor Egg Bank Assured Refund plan 2019

Two unsuccessful DE transfers 2019

More about my journey in my profile


#6 Aimeehug

Aimeehug
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  • Gender:Female
  • Location:St. Albert
  • Interests:Writing, reading, volleyball, yoga, watching TV
  • Dx:Endometriosis
  • My Clinic:PCRM

Posted 02 January 2019 - 12:10 AM

Thanks everyone for their replies.
It does help to know 3 years is commonly a difficult time. I think I realized what it was that was making it even more difficult. Throughout the years, Ive never lost faith that it will happen for me some day, some how. This is the first year where Ive started to wonder if I will be the statistic where IVf doesnt work for. I dont know why that doubt has crept in, but it has. Maybe because Im now connected to more women who are going through iVF. And although I appreciate the support and love to celebrate the successss, Im also more exposed to those where success is elusive....and realizing that not getting pregnant is a real possibility.
And then 2 people announced pregnancies on fb yesterday. Fortunately no one Im close with but still. Not what I needed.
Oh wel, got to celebrate with friends and drinks last night and today, so at least that was a good distraction.

me: 34 DH: 35 TTC since: Sep 2015

 

Jan 2018- Lap for Endo, and septum removal surgery

Mar-Aug 2018- 3 failed IUIs

Nov 2018- IVF...got my very first ever positive. 

Dec 19 2018- confirmed loss. at 5 weeks. cry.gif

Feb. 2019- preparing for first FET. Let's do this!

March 13, 2019- Transfer date for FET #1

March 18, 2019- turned 34 and got a squinter 5dp5dt.

March 22, 2019- Positive Beta! 

April 8, 2019- 1st ultrasound. all good except a small SCH.


#7 Daisy.Eriksen

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Posted 02 January 2019 - 10:00 PM

I totally understand that doubt, and I can totally understand how it would steal your joy. Also, your hormones are probably still out of whack, so please be gentle on yourself and give yourself space to mourn.

Sometimes it can help to think about both sides of the situation - on the one hand, you might be one of the people for whom one round of IVF doesn't work, or even multiple rounds. But on the other hand, you have four blasts frozen, you're relatively young, and there's just as much chance that you'll be one of the many people who have do have success with this next FET. :) 

 

And pregnancy announcements are the worst - they still send me into a spiral. But I'm glad you were able to celebrate NYE with friends and drinks. I hope today was a better day. 


  • Aimeehug likes this

TTC since 2013

Unsuccessful IVFs 2014-2016

Unsuccessful known egg donor cycle 2018

Donor Egg Bank Assured Refund plan 2019

Two unsuccessful DE transfers 2019

More about my journey in my profile