21 replies to this topic

[BabyDustandDreams]

Hi Ladies, I need your help and support.

 

I am 38 and currently a patient of Dr Greenblatt's at Mt Sinai.  

I had my first cycle in May of 2018.  We did an antagonist cycle, which failed.  

I have DOR and only one ovary.  5 years ago I had an ectopic pregnancy and lost my right side tube and ovary.  At that time, the surgeon told me that my left tube was very badly scarred and blocked.  So, on to IVF.  It took me a few years to loose weight and get prepared to go through IVF.

My body did not respond well to my cycle in May. I ended up stimming for 18 days, grew 3 eggs but was only able to collect 2.  Through ICSI, both eggs made it to day 3 (looking very good at one 8 cell and one 10 cell) but neither of these implanted. (both were put in on day 3)

So, here I am again.

 

I am full of worry.  Worry of spending another 15,000 for nothing. Worry that my husband will be too sad if we have another cycle failed.  I have thought a lot about buying a donor egg cycle but I do not feel ready to give up on having a genetic child of mine/my hubby's... 

 

Dr Greenblatt will try the flare protocol this time, going for quality over quantity (though quantity will never happen for me LOL).  The thought is that with my first cycle, that both embryo's were likely abnormal which is why they did not implant.

 

So i have been taking DHEA, Co q 10 and a Ova boost from Amazon that a few ladies swear by.

 

So my question to you all is..... what would you do?  Do you think it is silly to keep trying with my own eggs?  Dr Greenblatt is not optimistic and tells me to be guarded about the outcome.  Husband says that he doesnt think he has it in him to keep failing at cycles, that it hurts too much.

If I moved onto a donor egg right away, my success would be much higher - and the baby would be genetically my husbands and biologically mine... I just dont know.

Likely I am going to try one more time with the flare protocol and my own eggs.  Because mainly I feel that if I dont, I will always wonder what if....

Thank you all for your help xoxo 

[returnable]

BabyDustandDreams - I so identify with your situation. If you look through my profile, although I was about 2 years older than you when I did own egg IVF, my results were similar. I started with the antagnoist protocol and then tried the flare protocol. I took various supplements as recommended by the RE, but came up with the same result from both cycles. One 5-day blast that ended up being chromosomally abnormal. My RE said it was up to us whether we wanted to keep trying that if we had infinite money that eventually there may be an egg that may be a viable blastocyst, but he couldn't predict when that was going to happen. After two cycles and the same result I reflected on what part of being a mother was important to me. After two cycles I knew that my chances with my own eggs was next to nothing, but I still wanted the experience of growing, birthing and raising a child. After two cycles I decided to proceed with donor eggs. For me the decision did not take long as I tried to take as much emotion out of the decision as possible (this is my personality). For others the decision can take longer.

 

With my own eggs, we never even got to a transfer. Today, at 43, after my first transfer with a donor egg, I am currently 8 weeks pregnant. The road ahead is still long, but I finally have hope that I may have a take home baby at the end of this. We started our IVF journey when I was 40.

 

Good luck. PM me if you wish or we can discuss openly as there are others in your shoes.

[SunshineTTC]

Hi Babydust -- What I'd perhaps suggest is to maybe look into getting a 2nd (and even 3rd) opinion before proceeding with your next cycle.  Other Drs/clinics usually charge $2-300 for a consult/2nd opinion -- in the grand scheme of things, not a lot of money -- having another Dr review your files/history doesn't commit you to anything at all, if anything it might give you more confidence that you are proceeding with the best plan for yourself at your current clinic, or identify things you'd want to ask your current Dr.  There are a couple of good clinics in BC, as well as a couple more where you are in Toronto.

 

As for timeline for deciding to move to donor egg, this is extremely personal, and what I learned is that you can't impose on yourself any perceived ease or timeline that others might go through.  I truly didn't know if I'd be able to get there, I really had a hard time letting go of my own genetic connection.  My full 6 year journey is in my 'about me', many cycles of trying with my own eggs, unsuccessful.  Even once I decided to move forward with donor egg, I struggled and hit many road blocks, so it's not like everything quickly miraculously fell into place. My very strong belief in having a donor that could at least eventually be known to the child, and having the full slate of personal/medical/family info on the donor, perhaps made things more difficult than if I'd been comfortable with anonymity and less information. In the end, I am also now pregnant from my first transfer with donor egg, and now fully comfortable with my choices and where I'm at.

[mouse]

Hi BDaD,
Have you done any cycles without the DHEA?  IF so, were they any better?  Not to give medical advice or false hope but there are a number of REs (that specialize in DOR/older clients) like Dr. Sher that advise against using DHEA for DOR/older women.  IF you're not deficient in it, it can work against you.  Just a thought.  FWIW (and the caveat that anecdote does not equal data) the cycles I did while on DHEA were far worse in terms of AFC, FSH and outcome.  The cycle right after I stopped I got lucky.  Donor eggs may indeed offer better odds, but if you're not done with your own (and that's a decision only you and yours can make), maybe dropping the DHEA is worth a shot.
 
Fingers crossed for you.

[BengalMom]

Hi BabyDust,

 

My experience is incredibly similar to Returnable's, except I went straight to the Flare protocol. I got three mature eggs, which all fertilized. I ended up with one PGS-abnormal embryo. Unfortunately, in our age range, it's a numbers game and DOR means we're fighting harder than someone else. I couldn't handle the emotional strain (on myself and my marriage) of another own-egg cycle and am pursuing donor egg. But, I also got a few second opinions - delivered with more compassion than I'd had before. 

 

I'll echo the other comments - this is an intensely personal decision. But I also got really frustrated reading forums where people encouraged older women to just keep going endlessly through own-egg cycles while telling them that they had a friend or a sister who'd had a miracle baby (to be clear, no one on this thread is doing that!). I wanted acceptance and comfort, but also some truthful experiences. 

[Tess]

Hi Ladies, I need your help and support.

 

I am 38 and currently a patient of Dr Greenblatt's at Mt Sinai.  

I had my first cycle in May of 2018.  We did an antagonist cycle, which failed.  

I have DOR and only one ovary.  5 years ago I had an ectopic pregnancy and lost my right side tube and ovary.  At that time, the surgeon told me that my left tube was very badly scarred and blocked.  So, on to IVF.  It took me a few years to loose weight and get prepared to go through IVF.

My body did not respond well to my cycle in May. I ended up stimming for 18 days, grew 3 eggs but was only able to collect 2.  Through ICSI, both eggs made it to day 3 (looking very good at one 8 cell and one 10 cell) but neither of these implanted. (both were put in on day 3)

So, here I am again.

 

I am full of worry.  Worry of spending another 15,000 for nothing. Worry that my husband will be too sad if we have another cycle failed.  I have thought a lot about buying a donor egg cycle but I do not feel ready to give up on having a genetic child of mine/my hubby's... 

 

Dr Greenblatt will try the flare protocol this time, going for quality over quantity (though quantity will never happen for me LOL).  The thought is that with my first cycle, that both embryo's were likely abnormal which is why they did not implant.

 

So i have been taking DHEA, Co q 10 and a Ova boost from Amazon that a few ladies swear by.

 

So my question to you all is..... what would you do?  Do you think it is silly to keep trying with my own eggs?  Dr Greenblatt is not optimistic and tells me to be guarded about the outcome.  Husband says that he doesnt think he has it in him to keep failing at cycles, that it hurts too much.

If I moved onto a donor egg right away, my success would be much higher - and the baby would be genetically my husbands and biologically mine... I just dont know.

Likely I am going to try one more time with the flare protocol and my own eggs.  Because mainly I feel that if I dont, I will always wonder what if....

Thank you all for your help xoxo 

 

Hello!  This is a difficult decision, and one that comes down to personal needs/ personal choices.

 

Starting at age 38 I underwent 3 fresh IVF and 2 FET transfers with my own eggs.  We then moved on to a donor egg cycle and were successful with the first transfer.  

 

We wish we had moved to the donor egg cycle sooner.  Best decision we ever made.  

 

But, it's possible your next IVF will work.  It's possible the donor egg cycle will not work.  Donor egg isn't a guarantee, but it is a better chance if the donor's eggs are healthy & the lab is good.

 

One way to think about it is to consider your resources, emotional and monetary.  It's difficult to keep doing cycles and failing, and we were emotionally drained by them.  Emotionally & monetarily, if you only have the reserves for 1 more try, then you might want to go with your best chance of success.  But, if you have the reserves for 2 or 3 more tries, then you might consider something else. 

 

Looking back, I can see what hurt us the most were the series of failures over a stretched-out period of time.  

 

Good Luck!  

[Tess]

btw- if you decide to do another own egg cycle, there is some research to show that eating lean protein & cutting out carbs like bread & potatoes helps egg quality over a 3 month period.  

[JIC]

I had a slightly different experience than you in that I responded great to stims. My first and second I ended up with double digits of mature eggs with 3 making it to blasts. On my first round all 3 came back abnormal from pgs testing. Second round I added dhea, acupunture and other suppliments and that time Out of the 3 I had 1 pgs normal embryo.
I transferred the one and although my hcg was rising properly at first my numbers were extremly low and ended in miscarriage. At this point my RE recommended donor eggs(SMBC so sperm already donated).
Here is were my story becomes a bit different then many others and my thought process.
I decided if I ever wanted a child of my own this would be my only option. I got 3 high quality blasts going this route and became pregnant on my first transfer. I knew instantly it worked (exhausting right away and not hungry) tested early and my hcg levels were on the high end. Unfortunately again it ended in miscarriage which was a huge shock and I am now testing for immunity issues.
Here is the thing I started questioning if I needed to go the donor route at all if it is immunity or not . The timing of both miscarriages were the same according to ultrasound. It was tough thinking hey I could have had a genetically related baby after all. After a only a day I decided even if immunity is the issue the donor route was still the correct route I still have 2 embryos which most likely wouldnt have happened if I had used my own egg. So I can still have success.
Except for that day when I questioned if my own eggs would have worked I never thought if my embryos as anything else but mine genetically related or not they are mine.
Hope that helps

[Tess]

JIC,

 

I am so, so sorry about the miscarriages.  I hope you can get some answers if it was immunity or just bad odds or something else.  

 

 

RE: the post topic of how to make the decision

 

What I found distressing with infertility was the lack of answers.  We had to make decisions without all of the information in hand.

 

We had to decide if we should continue with our own eggs, or move onto donor eggs.  Embryos made from my eggs were not implanting.  I did not know if it was implantation issues, immune issues, or egg issues.  

 

I don't know if this helps with any decision making -- but we decided to stop with our own egg cycles & try donor egg.  We still have embryos frozen from our final IVF attempt.  But I don't have regrets.  I can't imagine not having our specific child in our life.   

 

But beyond that, I frequently forget that we used donor eggs.  That probably doesn't make sense.  I am not sure I can explain this rationally. I know, intellectually, we used donor eggs.  But it's hard to remember.  She has my hair color.  She's picking up some of my verbal mannerisms.  Looks like she's going to be taller then me, but my DH's brother is 6"3, so height runs in his family.

 

Therapists advise doing the amount of IVF cycles that you need to do to not have any doubts.  But, frankly, if I could have skipped that last IVF cycle, I would have been a lot less traumatized by my IVF experience. 

 

That said, I can't guarantee that someone else won't have regrets.  It's a hard decision, made harder by the lack of certainty.  You kind of have to guess at the medical issues and predict the chances of success and decide what kind of odds you want (greater chance of success versus less chance of success.)  But every IVF cycle, donor or not, is a gamble.  And, we talk about it less, humans have a high rate of miscarriage.  Every pregnancy is also a gamble.  

 

So it's all a gamble, and nothing is certain.  It comes down to what are you willing to bet--how much of your money & time and emotional resources?  And what kind of odds are you willing to take?   Some people will only bet 2 to 1.  Others will take odds of 8 to 1.   

 

For my final cycle, I decided I wanted, at least, 2 to 1 odds, so I went with a known success rate of 65%.  

 

I hope this comment helps, and good luck! 

 

I know how hard it is to have to make the decision.  In fact, that's the other wearing thing about infertility & medical treatment -- the decisions.  Every decision humans have to make takes energy.  I've heard of strategies where men pick out a series of nice suits to wear to work.  Not having to decided -- even on little decisions, like what to wear,  decreases emotional energy & conserves resources.  If you can find a way to simplify or streamline your decision process, that could help conserve energy.  

[BabyDustandDreams]

BabyDustandDreams - I so identify with your situation. If you look through my profile, although I was about 2 years older than you when I did own egg IVF, my results were similar. I started with the antagnoist protocol and then tried the flare protocol. I took various supplements as recommended by the RE, but came up with the same result from both cycles. One 5-day blast that ended up being chromosomally abnormal. My RE said it was up to us whether we wanted to keep trying that if we had infinite money that eventually there may be an egg that may be a viable blastocyst, but he couldn't predict when that was going to happen. After two cycles and the same result I reflected on what part of being a mother was important to me. After two cycles I knew that my chances with my own eggs was next to nothing, but I still wanted the experience of growing, birthing and raising a child. After two cycles I decided to proceed with donor eggs. For me the decision did not take long as I tried to take as much emotion out of the decision as possible (this is my personality). For others the decision can take longer.

 

With my own eggs, we never even got to a transfer. Today, at 43, after my first transfer with a donor egg, I am currently 8 weeks pregnant. The road ahead is still long, but I finally have hope that I may have a take home baby at the end of this. We started our IVF journey when I was 40.

 

Good luck. PM me if you wish or we can discuss openly as there are others in your shoes.

Hi Returnable.

Gheesh, you and I are very much the same in terms of our journey.  I am overwhelmed by all of the responses on my topic, from the bottom of my heart I thank you so much for opening up to me.  

I have such a heavy heart and I do agree that the most important thing to me is carrying and birthing a baby that will be mine and my husbands.  That is really the end goal.  I guess I am still really caught up in seeing me and my husbands child... what i mean is that you meet someone and love them so much, you want to know what a baby that is half you and half him would look like.  I will, I think... go through with one more cycle doing the flare protocol and roll the dice.  Are you in the Toronto area?  Would you mind sharing with me the details of your donor eggs?  Where from? Cost? Did you get to choose the donor?  I would love to know more...

 

Thank you so much! 

[BabyDustandDreams]

Hi Babydust -- What I'd perhaps suggest is to maybe look into getting a 2nd (and even 3rd) opinion before proceeding with your next cycle.  Other Drs/clinics usually charge $2-300 for a consult/2nd opinion -- in the grand scheme of things, not a lot of money -- having another Dr review your files/history doesn't commit you to anything at all, if anything it might give you more confidence that you are proceeding with the best plan for yourself at your current clinic, or identify things you'd want to ask your current Dr.  There are a couple of good clinics in BC, as well as a couple more where you are in Toronto.

 

As for timeline for deciding to move to donor egg, this is extremely personal, and what I learned is that you can't impose on yourself any perceived ease or timeline that others might go through.  I truly didn't know if I'd be able to get there, I really had a hard time letting go of my own genetic connection.  My full 6 year journey is in my 'about me', many cycles of trying with my own eggs, unsuccessful.  Even once I decided to move forward with donor egg, I struggled and hit many road blocks, so it's not like everything quickly miraculously fell into place. My very strong belief in having a donor that could at least eventually be known to the child, and having the full slate of personal/medical/family info on the donor, perhaps made things more difficult than if I'd been comfortable with anonymity and less information. In the end, I am also now pregnant from my first transfer with donor egg, and now fully comfortable with my choices and where I'm at.

 

Hi Sunshine - thank you so much for your message, I really appreciate it.  I did go for a second opinion to what is deemed the best DOR clinic and doctor in Toronto - the Hannam clinic... That Doctor said that for between $40 - $50k that we could do 4-5 collection cycles back to back, until we have 10 eggs - fertilize them all and then PGS test any blasts standing on day 6.  I was floored by his recommendation and left in tears.  Basically I felt it was a huge money grab.

 

Thank you so much for your honest feedback.  If you would be willing to share with me the details of your donor eggs ie/ prices, where from, etc.. I would love to have more information.  As it stands now, I think I will be calling in my day on either my next cycle (due tomorrow) or my next cycle.  This will be my last with my own eggs.  Thank you again 

[returnable]

Hi Returnable.

 

 

Gheesh, you and I are very much the same in terms of our journey.  I am overwhelmed by all of the responses on my topic, from the bottom of my heart I thank you so much for opening up to me.  

I have such a heavy heart and I do agree that the most important thing to me is carrying and birthing a baby that will be mine and my husbands.  That is really the end goal.  I guess I am still really caught up in seeing me and my husbands child... what i mean is that you meet someone and love them so much, you want to know what a baby that is half you and half him would look like.  I will, I think... go through with one more cycle doing the flare protocol and roll the dice.  Are you in the Toronto area?  Would you mind sharing with me the details of your donor eggs?  Where from? Cost? Did you get to choose the donor?  I would love to know more...

 

Thank you so much! 

 

 

I wasn't ready to give up after the first cycle either and wanted to see if a different protocol would yield different results. For me it did not. There are a couple of books that I read to help me on my journey. One is called "The Art of Waiting" and the second edition of "Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation". 

 

When I thought of having a baby without my genes, I did have to let go of the fact that perhaps the baby wouldn't look like me or have my traits. But in some ways that also gave me a sense of relief in that I will not put the same pressure on the child to be one way or another because they are genetically linked to me but rather allow them to become the person they would become anyway and guide them along the way. There are so many families where the genetic offspring look nothing like the parents. In fact one of the stories in the second book deals with a family who took a few means to have kids, and one of the kids who did not have the parents' genetic components looked more like the parents than the biological child. In the end you never know what will happen and how a child will come out whether you know the parents or not. All I know is that I want to be a part of helping to nurture another human being and in no way does a genetic connection change that aspect. There are LOTS of things about me I hope no one would inherit

 

We went with the guaranteed program with DEB USA which cost $42,000 USD with a take home baby at the end or your money back. Considering that we got pregnant with our first lot and our first transfer, in hindsight it would have been easy to say we should have just gone with an unguaranteed one lot. However our decision was to remove all the uncertainty whether it would happen and not have to worry about costs in the future. We ended up getting an 8 egg frozen lot and got a really good three day 6 embryos. We got to choose the donor as DEB USA is a frozen egg bank and because the eggs are ready to go, the struggle of a live donor being available and stimulating well wasn't there for us. That was another reason why we went with DEB USA. If you have any other question on your journey, let me know, but a good place is the Donor Buddies part of the forums.

 

Good luck in your next OE cycle, and I do hope that your results are better. However, it's always good to have a plan B in your mind.

[SunshineTTC]

Hi BabyDust - re: "Embryo banking" (suggested by Hannam) if you were actually looking to do that, there are definitely cheaper places to do that e.g. VFC in Victoria has a 3-cycle banking plan.  Pretty sure Hannam is known for very high prices.

 

In the end I also went with Donor Egg Bank USA, after several false starts with known independent donors, and a horrid experience with Egg Helpers agency (serious slime...) stealing precious time from me.  DEB-USA certainly not cheap (especially with horrendous exchange rate, it was hard to stomach), but my overall experience with them was positive/smooth other than a few minor hick-ups and needing to advocate and push for info sometimes -- I chose my donor/signed papers end-Jan and had the eggs end-March for transfer mid-April.  I did the "single cycle" plan, vs. Returnable went with the "guarantee" plan.  Based on a spreadsheet provided to me by my clinic/embryologist detailing all their past DEB-USA cycles, as well as past-cycle data I managed to pull out of DEB-USA for my donor (they initially pretended it didn't exist, I called BS), the guarantee plan didn't make logical sense in my case (beyond paying for "peace of mind") re: very few at my clinic were not successful after 2 tries (guarantee plan only starts to make sense financially after that).  Also based on breakdown of costs, including how much DEB-USA pays out to my clinic, I realized they wouldn't offer the guarantee plan if many people needed 3+ cycles or they'd lose money.  There were 7 frozen eggs in my lot (proven donor) out of which I got 2 good quality hatching blasts (they guarantee 1), first FET/1 blast took, so I have 1 left on ice.  Happy to answer any other questions at any time.

[Watoo Watoo]

Hi ladies,

this topic is helping me a lot in my journey to make a decision about the egg donor. I would like to thank you for sharing your wisdom.
My biggest fear is not bonding with the baby after giving birth. Any advice on that?

[JIC]

Watoo - it is a serious decision and you do need to think it through. I know I had/have the same fear. Once I came to the decision to go the donor route however I never thought of my frosties as anything but mine. There were many delays in the process for me (felt like forever but wasnt) and when I was waiting for my results for final number of blasts I was just as nervous/excited as when I used my own eggs. Only with better results.
I can not say what will happen after birth (please let em get to that point) but I know these little frosties, are mine which I believe is the first step in bonding with your child and he/she/they will be loved unconditionally.

[returnable]

Watoo Watoo - I had the same "fear" that we discussed with the counselor that we had to talk to before we could proceed with the donor cycle. One thing that she said that comforted me is that mothers, even with genetic children, don't always immediate bond with the child. I would say it would be a good idea to discuss your fears with a counselor, but know that this is not an issue with just parents of children born of donor gametes. One question, do you have pets? That is one thing my DH pointed out to me when I was discussing my fears. He had absolute confidence that whether I was related genetically or not, I would still love a child, just like I have no problems bonding with pets.

[Tess]

Hi ladies,

this topic is helping me a lot in my journey to make a decision about the egg donor. I would like to thank you for sharing your wisdom.
My biggest fear is not bonding with the baby after giving birth. Any advice on that?

 

 

With pregnancy and birth there are a lot of natural hormones that promote bonding.  But some pregnant women get depressed because of the hormonal changes after birth, and that hurts bonding.  My advice would be to make sure you have support in place around the time of the birth.  Talk to someone before birth if you are predisposed to depression or anxiety. 

 

Otherwise, if a mother isn't depressed, a natural bonding process takes place.  (Unless you won't see your child as your child, in which case it's not the right choice for you.)  I see my baby as fully as my baby. I'm her mother, she's my baby, now toddler.  She's incredibly attached & won't let me go to the bathroom or shower by myself. She yells "mama!" when she sees me and has a preference for me over her dada right now.  She's in a mama attachment stage.  

 

I'm not sure how to answer this question.  Your baby will be very attached to you. Babies are naturally attached to their mothers. Your are the only mother the child will have, so it's more of a question if you want that role, or not.  

 

I don't know if this helps, but pregnancy is not just a rental room situation.  You are, literally, creating & building your child.  Yes, there is a genetic map in the embryo.  But what happens in the uterus changes the child.  You know how identical twins don't look "identical?"  Placement in the uterus may change them.  Environmental stuff changes the embryo.  Your body will turn on or turn off genes in the embryo that will change who the child will be.  This may be more powerful, ultimately, then what type of hair or eye color your child has.  If you consume folic acid, or not, has a huge effect on who the child will be.

[BengalMom]

 

Hi Babydust -- What I'd perhaps suggest is to maybe look into getting a 2nd (and even 3rd) opinion before proceeding with your next cycle.  Other Drs/clinics usually charge $2-300 for a consult/2nd opinion -- in the grand scheme of things, not a lot of money -- having another Dr review your files/history doesn't commit you to anything at all, if anything it might give you more confidence that you are proceeding with the best plan for yourself at your current clinic, or identify things you'd want to ask your current Dr.  There are a couple of good clinics in BC, as well as a couple more where you are in Toronto.

 

As for timeline for deciding to move to donor egg, this is extremely personal, and what I learned is that you can't impose on yourself any perceived ease or timeline that others might go through.  I truly didn't know if I'd be able to get there, I really had a hard time letting go of my own genetic connection.  My full 6 year journey is in my 'about me', many cycles of trying with my own eggs, unsuccessful.  Even once I decided to move forward with donor egg, I struggled and hit many road blocks, so it's not like everything quickly miraculously fell into place. My very strong belief in having a donor that could at least eventually be known to the child, and having the full slate of personal/medical/family info on the donor, perhaps made things more difficult than if I'd been comfortable with anonymity and less information. In the end, I am also now pregnant from my first transfer with donor egg, and now fully comfortable with my choices and where I'm at.

 

Hi Sunshine - thank you so much for your message, I really appreciate it.  I did go for a second opinion to what is deemed the best DOR clinic and doctor in Toronto - the Hannam clinic... That Doctor said that for between $40 - $50k that we could do 4-5 collection cycles back to back, until we have 10 eggs - fertilize them all and then PGS test any blasts standing on day 6.  I was floored by his recommendation and left in tears.  Basically I felt it was a huge money grab.

 

Thank you so much for your honest feedback.  If you would be willing to share with me the details of your donor eggs ie/ prices, where from, etc.. I would love to have more information.  As it stands now, I think I will be calling in my day on either my next cycle (due tomorrow) or my next cycle.  This will be my last with my own eggs.  Thank you again 

 

 

I went to Hannam - they're a good clinic for DOR, but very expensive. For me to get to ten embryos would have taken ten cycles. I try to imagine how I would have felt after going through the stim cycle that many more times... I just... can't imagine it.

 

Your post about grieving the idea of the combination of your genetic mix with your husband certainly resonated with me. It's certainly not an easy thing to let go of. It feels unfair and a bit cruel. I also dealt (and deal still, to a small degree) with some feelings of jealousy. Why does my husband get to have a child if I don't? We intended to move forward using double-donor (sperm and egg). But that felt too punishing. Like I was trying to get revenge on my husband for something that just wasn't his fault. I also had more trust in my ability to move through my own grief and sit with uncomfortable and sad feelings and come to grips with them.

 

We both went to couples' therapy, and I've continued to see one. It's been very helpful. My therapist has spoken about the possibility of feeling multiple things: hopeful at having a baby AND sad at what you're losing; excited and what's ahead AND scared about what will happen, etc. etc. 

 

I also want to say that everyone else in this thread has been amazing! Your posts have been so comforting for me to read as well!

[SunshineTTC]

Regarding the "bonding" aspect, I think that is among the reasons it is so important to come to donor egg decisions at your own pace, on your own terms, grieving/processing the "losses" involved, regardless of the route you see anyone else take.  "Path of least regrets" as they say -- and that path is so personal (including how many efforts with your own eggs feels right to you, which you might not know until you get there).

 

Once you are comfortable with your decisions and path to get there, the concerns you have will have been part of that process.  For me, bonding or loving my child the same as a genetically related child was never one of my main worries -- but there was definitely an incident that really confirmed that for me.  Actually Returnable identified it above.  I have a cat who I adopted at 10 weeks old, when I was going through a miscarriage.  I love her so much/can't imagine life without her and her constant kisses and snuggles (she's the snuggliest cat in the world, seriously).  Well when she was 6 months, she fell 3 floors off my balcony to concrete below, and by my reaction to the thought of possibly losing her, she really could have been a human child -- but she's got 4 legs and fur (never mind a genetic connection).  Although it hadn't been one of my main concerns to start with, that really confirmed for me that genetics had nothing to do with bonding/loving another being as my own. 

 

Now carrying a pregnancy 27 weeks, I can't say I feel any differently than I would if it were my own genetics.  I don't lie to myself, I'm fully conscious that I had the help of an egg donor, but it doesn't bother me and I don't think about it on a minute-to-minute basis.  I'm  comfortable with the donor I chose in terms of everything that mattered to me most (education, background and life, overall amount of information I felt I needed, etc -- in my case both egg and sperm donor), so I think that really helps me. I definitely notice (and get sad) when I see photos of children that are the spitting image of the parents, knowing I'll never have that.  But then I remind myself that doesn't always happen anyway -- in my own family the 3 of us all look different from each other and look nothing like our parents.  Of course, I can't predict what I will feel after the birth... but as I've slowly built the courage to start buying things, making things and preparing for the birth, there's definitely a feeling of love going into my choices and things I create for this baby.

[ilovemydogs]

Having adopted (after trying multiple IVF attempts, as well as donor eggs), neither of us has a genetic/biological link to our children. It was a challenge to reach that point, but I can say that Ive bonded extremely well with my children. I spent my leave spending the majority of my time with my youngest and, much like Tess, she couldnt stand being away from me so she would go into the bathroom with me as well. I cried daily the last two months of my leave knowing I would have to go back to work and leave her.

We did take our own egg journey too far in hindsight, but at the same time I needed to for my own peace of mind. By the time we got to each step, I had taken the time to process and was ready.

[BabyDustandDreams]

 

Hi Returnable.

 

 

Gheesh, you and I are very much the same in terms of our journey.  I am overwhelmed by all of the responses on my topic, from the bottom of my heart I thank you so much for opening up to me.  

I have such a heavy heart and I do agree that the most important thing to me is carrying and birthing a baby that will be mine and my husbands.  That is really the end goal.  I guess I am still really caught up in seeing me and my husbands child... what i mean is that you meet someone and love them so much, you want to know what a baby that is half you and half him would look like.  I will, I think... go through with one more cycle doing the flare protocol and roll the dice.  Are you in the Toronto area?  Would you mind sharing with me the details of your donor eggs?  Where from? Cost? Did you get to choose the donor?  I would love to know more...

 

Thank you so much! 

 

 

I wasn't ready to give up after the first cycle either and wanted to see if a different protocol would yield different results. For me it did not. There are a couple of books that I read to help me on my journey. One is called "The Art of Waiting" and the second edition of "Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation". 

 

When I thought of having a baby without my genes, I did have to let go of the fact that perhaps the baby wouldn't look like me or have my traits. But in some ways that also gave me a sense of relief in that I will not put the same pressure on the child to be one way or another because they are genetically linked to me but rather allow them to become the person they would become anyway and guide them along the way. There are so many families where the genetic offspring look nothing like the parents. In fact one of the stories in the second book deals with a family who took a few means to have kids, and one of the kids who did not have the parents' genetic components looked more like the parents than the biological child. In the end you never know what will happen and how a child will come out whether you know the parents or not. All I know is that I want to be a part of helping to nurture another human being and in no way does a genetic connection change that aspect. There are LOTS of things about me I hope no one would inherit

 

We went with the guaranteed program with DEB USA which cost $42,000 USD with a take home baby at the end or your money back. Considering that we got pregnant with our first lot and our first transfer, in hindsight it would have been easy to say we should have just gone with an unguaranteed one lot. However our decision was to remove all the uncertainty whether it would happen and not have to worry about costs in the future. We ended up getting an 8 egg frozen lot and got a really good three day 6 embryos. We got to choose the donor as DEB USA is a frozen egg bank and because the eggs are ready to go, the struggle of a live donor being available and stimulating well wasn't there for us. That was another reason why we went with DEB USA. If you have any other question on your journey, let me know, but a good place is the Donor Buddies part of the forums.

 

Good luck in your next OE cycle, and I do hope that your results are better. However, it's always good to have a plan B in your mind.

 

Thank you so much for your message and feed back and can I just say $42000 USD holy shit! Pardon my french.  I get it, it is just a ton of money.  But, I, Like you... would pay it for sure.  Did you get to see her picture? How did you decide with all the ladies that they have? Was the choice of lady hard?  Big hugs to you! 

[Tess]

 

 

Hi Returnable.

 

 

Gheesh, you and I are very much the same in terms of our journey.  I am overwhelmed by all of the responses on my topic, from the bottom of my heart I thank you so much for opening up to me.  

I have such a heavy heart and I do agree that the most important thing to me is carrying and birthing a baby that will be mine and my husbands.  That is really the end goal.  I guess I am still really caught up in seeing me and my husbands child... what i mean is that you meet someone and love them so much, you want to know what a baby that is half you and half him would look like.  I will, I think... go through with one more cycle doing the flare protocol and roll the dice.  Are you in the Toronto area?  Would you mind sharing with me the details of your donor eggs?  Where from? Cost? Did you get to choose the donor?  I would love to know more...

 

Thank you so much! 

 

 

I wasn't ready to give up after the first cycle either and wanted to see if a different protocol would yield different results. For me it did not. There are a couple of books that I read to help me on my journey. One is called "The Art of Waiting" and the second edition of "Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation". 

 

When I thought of having a baby without my genes, I did have to let go of the fact that perhaps the baby wouldn't look like me or have my traits. But in some ways that also gave me a sense of relief in that I will not put the same pressure on the child to be one way or another because they are genetically linked to me but rather allow them to become the person they would become anyway and guide them along the way. There are so many families where the genetic offspring look nothing like the parents. In fact one of the stories in the second book deals with a family who took a few means to have kids, and one of the kids who did not have the parents' genetic components looked more like the parents than the biological child. In the end you never know what will happen and how a child will come out whether you know the parents or not. All I know is that I want to be a part of helping to nurture another human being and in no way does a genetic connection change that aspect. There are LOTS of things about me I hope no one would inherit

 

We went with the guaranteed program with DEB USA which cost $42,000 USD with a take home baby at the end or your money back. Considering that we got pregnant with our first lot and our first transfer, in hindsight it would have been easy to say we should have just gone with an unguaranteed one lot. However our decision was to remove all the uncertainty whether it would happen and not have to worry about costs in the future. We ended up getting an 8 egg frozen lot and got a really good three day 6 embryos. We got to choose the donor as DEB USA is a frozen egg bank and because the eggs are ready to go, the struggle of a live donor being available and stimulating well wasn't there for us. That was another reason why we went with DEB USA. If you have any other question on your journey, let me know, but a good place is the Donor Buddies part of the forums.

 

Good luck in your next OE cycle, and I do hope that your results are better. However, it's always good to have a plan B in your mind.

 

Thank you so much for your message and feed back and can I just say $42000 USD holy shit! Pardon my french.  I get it, it is just a ton of money.  But, I, Like you... would pay it for sure.  Did you get to see her picture? How did you decide with all the ladies that they have? Was the choice of lady hard?  Big hugs to you! 

 

 

In terms of $$, just FYI.  I went to Europe where my donor cycle was 5000$ EU.  Greece, Czech Republic & Spain do a lot of donor cycles.  But the cycles are all anonymous.  They match the donor to you -- hair color, eye, physically, but you don't get to see pics.