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Deciding Against IVF... encouragement please :)

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#1 Bench17

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 02:29 PM

Hello all,


Hoping there might be some encouragement here for me. Here's the story...


My partner and I are very much in love, talking about marriage soon. He has a son from a previous marriage who was conceived via IVF (low count, the mother had no fertility issues). While there were other issues that eventually caused the dissolution of that marriage, he sites the stress of IVF as one of the instigating factors.


I have never had my own children, but I love my partner's son dearly and I work with children on a regular basis. Mentoring and parenting kids who are not my own has always come naturally to me. 


The process of IVF flat-out terrifies me, yet it would likely be the only way that my partner and I could ever have a child. I'm 34, and deal with a family history of endometriosis. I've only been on a birth control pill for a short stint many years ago, and it was emotionally the worst several months of my life. Eventually I threw in the towel there. Hormones do NOT agree with me at all. To top it off, years spent in and out of hospitals as a child have created a mild phobia for me of medical procedures in general. I'm terrified that going the IVF route at some point down the road would take a physical and emotional toll on me that I'm not equipped to handle, and could cause irreparable damage to my relationship as a result.


At this stage we have discussed it and decided that, while the final decision is still years away, our preferred option is probably status quo (we love each other and we love his son and maybe we get a dog lol). The second option might be to consider adoption. And in third place is some kind of fertility intervention, like IVF. My partner is the most loving and supportive man I could ever ask for, and genuinely just wants my health and happiness. 


And yet, there are these little nagging thoughts in the back of my head... if I don't give this a shot, will I wake up one day when I'm 45 and regret it? Does this mean I'm just not as tough as women who decide to go the IVF route?


Any assurance you might have would be so welcome, friends. All the very best to each of you on this journey! You are strong and beautiful!



#2 Tess

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 08:09 PM

It's not about being tough.  Reproductive decisions are very personal decisions.  There's no simple decision.  Some people know they do not want a child.  Some people always regret not having children.  


My advice is to be very sure of what you want.  There are no-backsies, so be confident in your decision.  You may want to investigate adoption.  In my research I discovered it was more difficult then I had assumed.  


If you think you might do IVF, younger is better.  Before the age of 36, the success rate of IVF is very high -- about 60-65% per transfer at a good clinic.  Egg quality drops between 36-38, and success rates for IVF go down.  There is another huge drop between 38-40 in success rates.  There is the option of donor egg when you get older, but that process is more difficult and expensive then IVF with your own eggs.


It's not about feeling bad -- but just be sure of what you want.  My advice is to never make decisions out of fear.  Make decisions out of confidence.  

  • Yearning, CdnHockeyGal and hopefuldadsomeday like this

#3 Seem14

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Posted 18 April 2018 - 03:33 AM

I completely agree with Tess. I, too, was terrified of the hormones. Just because I know I don't really do well with PMS on its own and other crap that comes along with it.  However, when I was dx with tubal issues, IVF was our only way.  I just basically dove in regardless of what may happen.  Coz one, I wouldn't know how I would react to the meds etc until I try. Just like Tess said, having children regardless of how you "got them" is a very personal decision and only you can determine that.  I'd say take the path of the least regret. 


Wishing you good luck on whatever decision you make! heart.gif

#4 Aiglee

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Posted 18 April 2018 - 02:18 PM

I agree with being sure about what you want, but I also want to encourage you by saying whatever decision you make will be the right one. Do not let other people's decision make you feel bad. I know I still feel a bit of guilt about not trying more IVF after I read the stories of women how have tried so much more. I don't feel the guilt because I wished I had bio kids, I am perfectly happy, I feel guilt because "did I give up too soon?". It is your decision and as long as you feel comfortable with it, know other people have decided the same too and they are happy.


If you don't feel right now that you will regret, nothing says you will regret it later, and if you do want another kid later on, there are other options, including fostering kids, which I have heard plenty people say it was perfect for them when they were older and wanting kids.


It is ok not to do IVF, and having adoption before IVF is also a great thing if you feel that way :)

TTC since 2012 (plus 2 years around 2008/2010). I'm 37 years old, husband is 28. 
Karma: Unexplained. 3 Failed IUIs with injectables in 2014. IVF #1: 5 day embryo transferred, 1 frozen. BFN. FET #1: 1 6 day embryo 2AB. BFN

One Fertility: DOR. AMH of 5.8 (Canadian). IVF #2: 2 eggs fertilized (ICSI), transferred 2 day 3 embryos. BFN


Adoption with CAS: Adopted a baby boy! Home since November 6th, 2016, adoption finalized June 26th, 2017.

#5 cj123

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Posted 18 April 2018 - 02:23 PM

Hey!  I would agree with what the ladies have said already.  Fertility treatments are quite a rollercoaster.  As someone who has gone through fertility treatments as well as an international adoption, I can tell you that adoption is also a rollercoaster - I personally would NEVER adopt again, but would be more open to trying fertility treatments again, although I am not super keen on that either.  


It's important to investigate what you feel, for some people that biological connection is super important.  For others, like us, it wasn't.  So we adopted traditionally and I am currently expecting our second child (almost 30 weeks) from embryo donation.  If not interested in doing the entire IVF thing, I would suggest embryo donation as an option as it's quite a simple process, was very affordable (we did private donation), and you get to carry and experience a pregnancy.  It's important to work through all your possible emotions and figure out how you feel about everything.  It's a tough decision for sure, but I hope you are able to work through it and figure out what's right for you!

Me - 31  Hubby - 31


Trying to conceive since 2012


2013- Husband diagnosed with Congenital Absence of Vas Deferens caused by being a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis


2013 - decided to adopt before pursuing fertility treatments


November 2015 - Our beautiful baby boy is born!  We got to be there for the birth!  He's ours!


May 2016 - Adoption Finalized!!!


After a cancelled IVF cycle and an IVF cycle that completely failed for unknown reasons (22 eggs, 10 fertilized, zero on day five), we have moved onto donor embryos! 


August 2017 - We received three beautiful embryos from an amazing donor family!  


FET #1- One beautiful hatching 5 day blast transferred Oct 11/17 - BFP!!! beta #1- 92 (9dp5dt) beta #2- 297 (13dp5dt)

beta #3- 700 (16dp5dt) beta #4- 3500 (20dp5dt)  

Ultrasound Nov 7 (6w4d) - One little bean, heartbeat of 125 bpm!  Due June 29, 2018

June 19, 2018 It's a Boy!! 7 lbs 2 oz of perfection!


FET #2 - One day 6 Blast transferred Feb 26/2020 - BFN 


One final chance with one final embryo hopefully soon!  Go away Covid-19!