47 replies to this topic

[writegal416]

We used an anonymous donor from the Czech Republic. We will not be sharing with our family or our child of how they were conceived other than it was through ivf. Even basic blood tests will not reveal it because our child has the same blood type as we do.

Dhs family is very religious and would not welcome our child if they knew. He is already not as doted upon as my inlaws other grandchildren because they dislike me. It would create an even greater rift in the family if they knew I had been unable to conceive, or they would play favorites with the other grandkids even more than they already do.

So we made the difficult decision not to share. And while some people here would disagree, I think people always need to do what is right for them...

 

But what if your child decides to get his or her ancestry done (e.g. Ancestry or 23andMe)? Does the donor come from the same ethno-cultural background?  Or DNA testing?  You have to tread really carefully. 

[quandry]

That's been considered. It's a similar ancestry.

As well, we've spoken to our kids about these DNA kits being open to insurance companies and how they can be used to deny insurance and are also used by the companies for research as well. None of my older kids have any interest at all.

I appreciate your concern but we made the decision that was right for us. You do you, and I'll do me. I understand our decision is not the popular one but it's the only one that works for us at all.

[GabyPechmann]

It is so dear to my heart and just sharing thoughts. I like science, just my thing, did it with my first child and she was biologically mine...she is a veterinarian now. Guess all my view of the world impacted her a bit.

Nature has so many ways of reproduction and yes, we humans feel oh so special, (;-)..we are not.

So it all becomes a true ethical question and so tainted by culture and expectations and perceptions. Why?

A baby ...most think they have to look like us and feel that if they compliment us and point out similarities, it flatters us, like the same hair color will tell more about the child. Social pressures and assumptions.

So here I am, by some bizarre fluke of nature my toddler has the same slanted eyes like me, same thick hair and same green eyes. I gave birth to her and most, distant from me told me that's he looks like me...I chuckled and it never mattered. Truly did not.

Who cares....I do care that her and I are so in sink, so connected and I will be honest and adore my first child, but she was not like  me, different personality and temperament. This one? Oh my!!!

Look, at the end  of the day, and perhaps of my advanced age.........should we embrace our choices, or live to please others and their expectations of how life and families should be.

My little girl? No big deal...she will know that some have offspring by just splitting cells, some adopt, some use donor eggs or sperm and other creatures morph from boy to girl upon demand (yup happens in nature)

She will know that no matter what, once a little one is created and has parents, one or two...or who knows...they are loved, cared for and very special and she is.

No need for me to tell the whole world, as with most things as we choose to share with others depending on our level of relationship with them.

I swear that the donor egg in our case was just a technicality to get to what matters, parents with a desire to love and cherish and teach and embrace.

Not trying to minimize, but at the end of the day? Happy and modern family here and all good.

[GabyPechmann]

Sorry, but more food for thought:

My gene pool, terrible and abusive mother with a personality disorder and father was not much better. Diabetes and cancer and heart disease there. ( I turned out ok, so I think as there is resilience and genetic variation)  Did not deter me from having a biological child and I think she is amazing. So second one is from a donor egg. We will not know if she will have struggles. yes, I have her donor's and her family's medical history, yet genetics are not that simple.

Unless there are some hereditary issues with some known and common diseases and abnormalities, is a gamble.

Not trying to minimize, but caution others to not overthink it either.

Think about it in another way, you met a man and he is good for you, most likely you will go down the road  to explore genetic abnormalities  and severe concerns before contemplating to have a child...but will you truly explore the whole genetic history of generations? Do you check the odds if the grandfather's red hair and long nose might be not reflective of what you look like or what your partner displays?

My little girl's father is brilliant intellectually and yet not physically attractive to most and here is our girl and she looks like me, does not look like the donor,  which makes no sense to most,  and has his intellect and just amazing.

I would have loved and embraced any healthy little one and the donor issue never mattered and will never matter to her. I will share her story with her and her medical history with her, just that.

At the end of the day? Close friends who know embrace and love her, distant friends and co workers assume and we will treat it with healthy boundaries, just like other private matters such as the bank account balance, privy to some and not to others.

Now smile, try to be 54 with a toddler and on occasion to be called grandmother at the grocery store. we are good, and since I had her have traveled the world and by the way noticed something. In Italy and England, older mothers and donor egg things are assumed and normal and also in Holland...a bit of a north American worry here.

Kindest thoughts to all of you and was just sharing and does not mean I am right, just right for us,

[writegal416]

Sorry, but more food for thought:

My gene pool, terrible and abusive mother with a personality disorder and father was not much better. Diabetes and cancer and heart disease there. ( I turned out ok, so I think as there is resilience and genetic variation)  Did not deter me from having a biological child and I think she is amazing. So second one is from a donor egg. We will not know if she will have struggles. yes, I have her donor's and her family's medical history, yet genetics are not that simple.

Unless there are some hereditary issues with some known and common diseases and abnormalities, is a gamble.

Not trying to minimize, but caution others to not overthink it either.

Think about it in another way, you met a man and he is good for you, most likely you will go down the road  to explore genetic abnormalities  and severe concerns before contemplating to have a child...but will you truly explore the whole genetic history of generations? Do you check the odds if the grandfather's red hair and long nose might be not reflective of what you look like or what your partner displays?

My little girl's father is brilliant intellectually and yet not physically attractive to most and here is our girl and she looks like me, does not look like the donor,  which makes no sense to most,  and has his intellect and just amazing.

I would have loved and embraced any healthy little one and the donor issue never mattered and will never matter to her. I will share her story with her and her medical history with her, just that.

At the end of the day? Close friends who know embrace and love her, distant friends and co workers assume and we will treat it with healthy boundaries, just like other private matters such as the bank account balance, privy to some and not to others.

Now smile, try to be 54 with a toddler and on occasion to be called grandmother at the grocery store. we are good, and since I had her have traveled the world and by the way noticed something. In Italy and England, older mothers and donor egg things are assumed and normal and also in Holland...a bit of a north American worry here.

Kindest thoughts to all of you and was just sharing and does not mean I am right, just right for us,

 

I wouldn't say it's just a North American worry - the only people I know who I think are going to be against this are older people from Asia (where my family is from).  I think part of this is because people here - whether they're first generation or multi-generation - somehow hold on to some traditions in their old country (or countries), even if the old country has...evolved so to speak.  This is also why people from some ethnic groups have more trouble finding egg (or even sperm) donors.  

[sophia_cop]

Your responses truly show how complex of an issue this is, I love being able to read so many different perspectives.

 

Just wondering - has anyone ever considered or actually used DE from a relative? 

 

When realizing DE was our only option at this point, we thoroughly considered all possible scenarios, and the idea of using one of my relatives did come up (I have a few younger cousins). Of course, the idea of using a relative brings up a whole other slew of complications in terms of my family tree (ie. my child is my cousin's child?). But the pros include 1) the donor already shares some of my genes 2) I know the genetic history 3) eliminates having to search for rare Asian (Filipino) donors.

 

This is all assuming one of my cousins would actually agree to such a crazy notion. And obviously means I would have to be completely open with my family at that point. 

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation?

[returnable]

If you do a search on these forums, others have been faced with this opportunity. From my recollection it did bring up a lot of emotions and people changing their minds, etc. I also recommend you watch the documentary "One More Shot" on Netflix. The couple also considers using a relative's eggs, and there are a few discussion points as they go through the process.

[writegal416]

Your responses truly show how complex of an issue this is, I love being able to read so many different perspectives.

 

Just wondering - has anyone ever considered or actually used DE from a relative? 

 

When realizing DE was our only option at this point, we thoroughly considered all possible scenarios, and the idea of using one of my relatives did come up (I have a few younger cousins). Of course, the idea of using a relative brings up a whole other slew of complications in terms of my family tree (ie. my child is my cousin's child?). But the pros include 1) the donor already shares some of my genes 2) I know the genetic history 3) eliminates having to search for rare Asian (Filipino) donors.

 

This is all assuming one of my cousins would actually agree to such a crazy notion. And obviously means I would have to be completely open with my family at that point. 

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation?

 

Yes, I have, but it would be complicated.  The only female cousin who would be age-appropriate/have healthier eggs is in California.  It would get very expensive - especially because I'll have to fly my surrogate down to the US.  That's why we have decided to use donor embryos.  It's more "budget-friendly" and we are both okay with a child who is not genetically related to us (we considered adoption prior to surrogacy).  

 

By the way, DEB has a small selection of Filipina egg donors.  

[north]

Your responses truly show how complex of an issue this is, I love being able to read so many different perspectives.

 

Just wondering - has anyone ever considered or actually used DE from a relative? 

 

When realizing DE was our only option at this point, we thoroughly considered all possible scenarios, and the idea of using one of my relatives did come up (I have a few younger cousins). Of course, the idea of using a relative brings up a whole other slew of complications in terms of my family tree (ie. my child is my cousin's child?). But the pros include 1) the donor already shares some of my genes 2) I know the genetic history 3) eliminates having to search for rare Asian (Filipino) donors.

 

This is all assuming one of my cousins would actually agree to such a crazy notion. And obviously means I would have to be completely open with my family at that point. 

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation?

 

I considered it. My younger sister offered but I decided against it. She was 40 years old when she offered so I wasn't sure it would be a great way to go. More importantly, I felt that I needed more separation than that avenue offered me. I felt it could and would get confusing for my family. My sister was 100% clear it would only be eggs (she's very black and white which I thought would be a good thing in this situation) but I was concerned about potentially thoughtless responses from other family members. I didn't want to put myself or those relationships in a vulnerable place.

So, I think it really depends on the nature of the relationships within your family.

I also had a close friend offer and an egg donor on these forums. Each of these offers was extremely generous and compassionate. And we decided against them and chose a donor through San Diego Fertility Centre (SDFC) who just felt "right." It also gave us a particular healthy detachment from the donor which was important in a number of ways.

I have heard really wonderful stories about sisters or other family members who have been donors and it's been very touching to hear.

If it's of interest, SDFC has quite a number of Asian donors in their in-house donor pool from what I've seen in the past.

north

[Tess]

Your responses truly show how complex of an issue this is, I love being able to read so many different perspectives.

 

Just wondering - has anyone ever considered or actually used DE from a relative? 

 

When realizing DE was our only option at this point, we thoroughly considered all possible scenarios, and the idea of using one of my relatives did come up (I have a few younger cousins). Of course, the idea of using a relative brings up a whole other slew of complications in terms of my family tree (ie. my child is my cousin's child?). But the pros include 1) the donor already shares some of my genes 2) I know the genetic history 3) eliminates having to search for rare Asian (Filipino) donors.

 

This is all assuming one of my cousins would actually agree to such a crazy notion. And obviously means I would have to be completely open with my family at that point. 

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation?

 

 

We thought about it, but are very glad we did not because it might have caused family complications we're very glad not to worry about.  But it was easy to find a egg donor match for my phenotype, so we were lucky that way.  

[kayte1]

Continue to be very grateful for topics such as this to support those of us pursuing third party assisted reproduction.

 

I thought of a question... for those of you doing or who have done donor egg/double donor cycles when there is limited information about the donors (ie. Czech Republic, where we are cycling using both egg and sperm donors), when you were notified of the potential donor matches, did you accept them right away or turn them down for any reason?

 

When we tried donor egg here in Canada, we knew a lot about the donor from photos to a detailed mental and physical health history questionnaire which included the donors' relatives a few generations back. When we tried donor egg in Czech in the Fall, I was told physical attributes - hair, eyes, height, weight.

 

For some silly reason, now that we are using both sperm and egg donors, I feel a little nervous. Beyond the donors being anonymous, with no potential for a future child to contact them or learn more about them, I am wondering if hearing just physical attributes for both is enough? I hear that there are strict parameters for donors there, but I'm not sure really what it entails. I know I can email my coordinator there for more information, but I was wondering if anyone here had any related thoughts or experiences. 

[writegal416]

Continue to be very grateful for topics such as this to support those of us pursuing third party assisted reproduction.

 

I thought of a question... for those of you doing or who have done donor egg/double donor cycles when there is limited information about the donors (ie. Czech Republic, where we are cycling using both egg and sperm donors), when you were notified of the potential donor matches, did you accept them right away or turn them down for any reason?

 

When we tried donor egg here in Canada, we knew a lot about the donor from photos to a detailed mental and physical health history questionnaire which included the donors' relatives a few generations back. When we tried donor egg in Czech in the Fall, I was told physical attributes - hair, eyes, height, weight.

 

For some silly reason, now that we are using both sperm and egg donors, I feel a little nervous. Beyond the donors being anonymous, with no potential for a future child to contact them or learn more about them, I am wondering if hearing just physical attributes for both is enough? I hear that there are strict parameters for donors there, but I'm not sure really what it entails. I know I can email my coordinator there for more information, but I was wondering if anyone here had any related thoughts or experiences. 

 

We know our donors respective, hair/eye colours, height, weight, interests and career at the time.  We also know their ages at the time of retrieval/donation.  Are you going through your clinic?  They should have info on the donors.  

[quandry]

Czech Republic actually has s stricter screening process in place than Canada does. Any mental illness, genetic defect, or inheritable disease screens them out. And they are one of the few places that does a genetic screening for cystic fibrosis (since it's more common there than in other countries).

Czech has some of the best screening of anywhere imho.

[Baby girl]

I wanted to read everything but just wanted to respond. I love this site and it helps me a lot. I used a known donor and my daughter doesn't look like me but it doesn't matter. I gave birth to her and I am her mother. I know her genes since my sister helped me. Best sister ever! I will tell her the truth because I am bad at keeping secrets. The truth always gets out and bites you in the ass. My immediate family knows and a few close friends. My husband chose not to share with his family at all. When she grows up she can share her story if she wishes. It's not my story to tell anymore after she knows. I will share with strangers that donor is an option. I love her so much and wouldn't know how to live without her. Best choice ever for me to use a donor. My husband is thrilled he has a biodaughter but for me bio or not she is the best!

[kayte1]

Thanks so much Quandry.... that's great to know!

 

Writegal, through the clinic in Prague we are told the physical attributes, and last cycle we were told our donor was a university student. I'm assuming we would receive the same info for both donors for double donor. 

 

Babygirl, such a nice tribute. I have no doubt should we be so lucky, we would love that baby to the moon and back!

[kellylm]

This has been a really helpful and interesting discussion. After our last failed FET (with our last embryo), we are aware that donor eggs will be the best option (another round of IVF would only have a 5-10% success rate...and my eggs aren't great quality, unfortunately). I'm fairly open to this but I think my husband is struggling, specifically because he's read a couple of articles about children finding their donor parents via those online DNA testing sites (which are awful, IMO, for a variety of reasons).

 

I've explained to him that if you share the story with your child early on, then there's no stigma attached. The 'children' in the news articles didn't find out how they were conceived until they were in their 30s. 

 

I'm also interested in the Czech Republic option. Any clinics you'd recommend? Our clinic here has suggested Argentina, working through them, or through the US. I'd be intrigued to know about the Czech option, particularly if their screening is top notch. In addition - if anyone would feel comfortable sharing costs (just ballpark), that would be so helpful.

 

Thank you, all, for sharing your stories. It's meant so much reading all of this commentary.

[kayte1]

Hi Kelly,

If you decide to pursue CR (which we've had a very positive experience with!) I can recommend Gennet. I'd also recommend Reprofit and Zlin. We had positive dealings with all three as we decided (and there are many positive reports from these clinics here as well as on other international boards.) In the end we went with Gennet due to their location (flying directly into Prague) and the quality of their lab (some other clinics have some of their testing or very difficult situations sent to the Gennet lab.) I've heard very good things about all those clinics. It is amazing the third party reproductive services they offer in comparison to North American clinics. It really is a new world of opportunities!

Good luck as you make your decision

[BoyWonder]

I've written a poem to our son. It explains why we chose to go egg donor etc. It will be read to him when he is older and understands. He loves me and I love him and he knows this. I feel he needs to know especially since I am Asian and the donor was not. He does not look a hair like me but even if he did, I feel he deserves to know the truth.

[Tess]

This has been a really helpful and interesting discussion. After our last failed FET (with our last embryo), we are aware that donor eggs will be the best option (another round of IVF would only have a 5-10% success rate...and my eggs aren't great quality, unfortunately). I'm fairly open to this but I think my husband is struggling, specifically because he's read a couple of articles about children finding their donor parents via those online DNA testing sites (which are awful, IMO, for a variety of reasons).

 

I've explained to him that if you share the story with your child early on, then there's no stigma attached. The 'children' in the news articles didn't find out how they were conceived until they were in their 30s. 

 

I'm also interested in the Czech Republic option. Any clinics you'd recommend? Our clinic here has suggested Argentina, working through them, or through the US. I'd be intrigued to know about the Czech option, particularly if their screening is top notch. In addition - if anyone would feel comfortable sharing costs (just ballpark), that would be so helpful.

 

Thank you, all, for sharing your stories. It's meant so much reading all of this commentary.

 

Argentina!  wow - that's a new one.   We went to Greece.  Excellent clinic.  Let me know if you want more info.  It's anonymous like the Czech Republic.  They match you physically to the donor and you can request education level.  

 

If you're willing to travel to Argentina, South African clinics let you see pictures, and their prices are extremely reasonable.  Much much less then the USA.

 

I am so sorry your husband got freaked out by those articles.  It is actually quite hard to find people through DNA testing or the donor sibling registry, especially if looking for an egg donor.  Easier to find sperm donor siblings, but even then, it's not guaranteed and it's still quite hard.  There are a contingent of people who are against Donor conception and they write articles like that.  There are also authors who write these articles because they get "clicks."  IVF, just like sex or articles about birth, are one of those article topics that will "sell."  Free-lancers probably know they can get an editor to buy their article on IVF reunions.  

[quandry]

Kelly - I have nothing but good things to say about zlin. It was an amazing clinic! Top notch imho.

It was 4500 euro for a donor cycle all basic costs included minus your drugs. Which are dirt cheap there. We paid an extra 1000 euros for all the extras like embryoscope. Embryoglue. And ibtralipids.

Zlin is southern. Very central for day trips to other countries! Plus it's dirt cheap to stay. We paid 350$ Canadian for 8 nights at a local pensione. Highly recommend!

[kellylm]

Kelly - I have nothing but good things to say about zlin. It was an amazing clinic! Top notch imho.

It was 4500 euro for a donor cycle all basic costs included minus your drugs. Which are dirt cheap there. We paid an extra 1000 euros for all the extras like embryoscope. Embryoglue. And ibtralipids.

Zlin is southern. Very central for day trips to other countries! Plus it's dirt cheap to stay. We paid 350$ Canadian for 8 nights at a local pensione. Highly recommend!

Question on meds - how did you handle that? Looks as though you'd need a doctor in Canada to prescribe?

[quandry]

Kelly - I have nothing but good things to say about zlin. It was an amazing clinic! Top notch imho.

It was 4500 euro for a donor cycle all basic costs included minus your drugs. Which are dirt cheap there. We paid an extra 1000 euros for all the extras like embryoscope. Embryoglue. And ibtralipids.

Zlin is southern. Very central for day trips to other countries! Plus it's dirt cheap to stay. We paid 350$ Canadian for 8 nights at a local pensione. Highly recommend!

Question on meds - how did you handle that? Looks as though you'd need a doctor in Canada to prescribe?

My dr very MFC was willing to write the scripts and do the tests. I didn't pay any extra for it. But I know others who've gone to satellite clinics and paid for the services.

[Saphira7]

I'm a little off topic but hoping to continue this discussion. I'm pregnant at 48 with a DE and DS baby. I'm torn about whether to tell my large extended family about using DE/DS when we announce the pregnancy. Above all, I want to protect my child. My extended family is Greek. There is a huge emphasis on family and belonging. Some family members are loving and accepting. Others are very competitive and it can come out in nasty ways. For example, I've had nasty comments directed towards me in the past, purely based on their own competitiveness and insecurity. This has been hard to deal with. My worst fear that the nasty/competitive ones won't accept the baby as truly one of 'us', that my child will be treated as lesser than the other children and that when my child is old enough to understand there will be nasty comments towards my child about him or her not really being a part of the family.

Has anyone told your family/friends about DE or DS during your pregnancy and later regretted it? I'd love to hear about your experience.