This is such an interesting and informative topic! Thank you everyone.
We are hoping to have our second child via double donor embryos. (Our first child was via OE IVF cycles.) My thinking has really evolved over every stage of our journey since moving on from my own eggs a year ago. We had a terrible donor cycle here in Canada, where I had picked the donor, knew what she and her own kids looked like, and in the agreement she was open to some potential future contact (for me, I wasn't hoping for that, but liked that the possibility was there for a potential child, even if it would be hard for me.) Well, the cycle was a big failure so then we moved on to a totally different and more affordable avenue.
In the Fall we went to the Czech Republic and did another donor egg cycle. In this case, the donors are anonymous and there would be no chance for a child to contact the donor. I guess I figured, had the cycle worked (early miscarriage unfortunately) that maybe I wouldn't tell, because my husband would provide the sperm, and if the donor looked like me and had the same blood type, it would all work out.
To be honest, I didn't do too much forward thinking, as it's too painful for me to assume a cycle will work, and I fear thinking ahead too much and then it not working or being taken away from me. I think I figured I'd look into it more if a healthy pregnancy was ensuing, and do what most medical/mental health professionals recommend.
I have done a lot of reading online since, especially since deciding to move to double donor embryos. I have heard from so many that it's very unlikely this secret can remain a secret and not do damage in our society of technological advances and problem-solving. Initially I assumed that blood type would have things covered - then I realized that a strand of hair or swab of a cheek can give someone the information they need. I also read about high schools doing DNA stuff in science class that parents don't even know about, where it was revealed that students weren't genetically related to their parents. I don't know, I just really started to worry about a child finding this out and the realization being so upsetting to them. There are enough shows on TV of people who were adopted not being settled until they locate their "birth parents", that it leads me to believe that even if a child understands who their parents are (those who loved them and raised them) and had a wonderful upbringing with them, there is still something missing that they want to seek out. And yes, I know that there are big differences in that scenario and the one I am embarking on.
I do worry about being open with a child, but when they are older, coming to terms with the fact that there is option to learn more about their donors or part-siblings, etc., would be a huge thing to wrap ones mind around and come to terms with. Especially once it was realized that one child was of our genetic material and the other, not, with no option to discover more. If there were other options at this point we could afford, we would go for them, but there are not, and so we are simply thankful for this opportunity to try and grow our family, should we be so lucky for it to work out.
I also believe that I wouldn't tell friends and family, or want to right away. I would want to tell the child, and I guess in time things the child said would come out, and I guess I'd be okay with it at that point.
It's all so complicated... but I sure appreciate being able to talk and think more about it here.