"There is no heartbeat today" 8 Weeks -Don't want to feel alone anymore
Posted 04 October 2017 - 05:18 PM
Posted 04 October 2017 - 05:32 PM
Posted 04 October 2017 - 06:38 PM
I am so sorry for your loss and I want you to know that you are not alone. There are many woman in the same situation you are in, including myself. I understand how you feel because I have been there. You are so right, we can't just pick up and try again because we need help to do so, hence the fertility treatments. Unfortunately many may not know and those who do, truly do not know what to say most of the time. At least, this is what I have experienced. I had many failed cycles, a termination at 16 weeks and three miscarriages, all through a donor cycle. I have two embryos left but quality wise not the best. I have been told to start over. Easier said than done right? So sometimes I just forgive those who speak out of ignorance. I know you feel lost right now and believe me I was there. My journey left me broken, spiritually, physically and emotionally. I found solace in meditation, prayer and surrounding myself with people who truly had my best interest at heart, meaning they knew that I did not want to hear anything until I was ready. As noted above, counselling may be helpful and I know most fertility clinics do offer that. The most important thing, take time to grieve, talk to those you feel understand and find an avenue that will help you release your stress and frustrations. I wish you peace and light in the days to come and am here if you need to talk.
- annatarz79 likes this
Posted 04 October 2017 - 06:42 PM
PS; Sharing and expressing your feelings with those you choose may be helpful in coping too. As well, you asked if you are able to get pregnant. I think the best person to answer that question from a medical perspective is your RE. From an alternative perspective, anything is possible and miracles do happen. xo
Posted 05 October 2017 - 12:04 AM
Posted 05 October 2017 - 01:33 AM
Adrianna, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. We've gone through 3 miscarriages and each time felt just as alone as you. What really helped us was going to see a counselor. Wishing you strength during this tough time.
March 2016 - Miscarriage #1 (chemical pregnancy)
August 2016 - Miscarriage #2 (Trisomy-16)
December 2016 - Miscarriage #3 (unknown - suspected chromosomal abnormality)
IVF #1 - Aug 2017 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol) - 9 eggs retrieved, 3 fertilized, 2 blastocysts, only 1 PGS normal embryo 5BB mitoscore 25.1 (frozen)
IVF #2 - Nov 2017 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol - with testosterone priming and growth hormone) - 7 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized with ICSI, 1 blastocyst PGS-normal 5BB mitoscore 33.12 (frozen)
IVF #3 - Jan 2018 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol with growth hormone) - 4 eggs retrieved, 2 fertilized with ICSI, 1 blastocyst PGS-normal 6BB mitoscore 29.82 (frozen)
FET #1 - March 2018 - cancelled due to thin lining (6.25mm)
FET #1.2 - April 2018 - cancelled due to thin lining again! (4.85mm)
FET #1.3 - June 4, 2018 (lining 7.5mm!) -
ERA Aug 2018 - Pre-receptive by 1 day
FET #2 - Sep 18, 2018 (lining 6.9mm) Beta #1: Sep 30, 2018 - 682 Beta #2: Oct 6,2018 - 6656 U/S: Oct 15 - measuring 6w4d (CRL 6.87mm), HR 127bpm! U/S: Oct 25 - measuring 8w1d (CRL 16.69mm), HR 168bpm! Discharged to midwives! June 7, 2019: It's a girl! DD born 7lb 2oz
Posted 05 October 2017 - 05:50 AM
What helped me cope was leaning hard on my husband, family and close friends. We participated very minimally in larger family holiday events that year - and we had the amazing support of our family to do so. We also opted to do genetic testing on the baby following the D&C, which ultimately led to a diagnosis of why she passed away. For me, it helped having an answer to what went wrong and it helped to give me some closure. In the end, time to grieve was what helped the most. Over time, things got a little easier week to week. I continued to confide in those close to me and it really helped to know that people loved us and supported us, even if they didn't have direct experience with miscarriage themselves. I ended up bonding with a coworker who experienced a second trimester loss. We would go for coffee/walks and regularly check in with each other. Perhaps there's someone in your life you could offer some support to and in turn she could be there for you too?
All this to say, I know your grief very well and I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's so difficult and reading your posts remind me exactly of what that time in my life felt like. It will get better I promise.
Twin girls born December 2017 after 7 years of TTC
See 'About Me' for full details
Posted 05 October 2017 - 08:06 AM
Sorry for your loss! I experienced a loss like yours about 4 weeks ago, our baby stopped growing at 9 weeks and I also had to have a D&C. We did not take a lot of time between embryo transfers so I ended up having 2 miscarriages in about 5 months this year. It has been difficult, but I have found support here and we are also doing some counselling. I have also find daily exercise helpful; it makes me feel like I am doing something for self improvement and the activity keeps my mind off things. When it first happened I felt like I would never be able to move on and some days are better than others, but time does help too.
Me: 37 DH: 36
TTC since 2014
IVF #1: November 2016
ER: Retrieved 5 eggs, 5 fertilized, ended up with 4 five day blasts
Fresh ET Nov 2016: BFN
FET w/ ICSI #1 Feb 2017: BFP, M/C Apr (Lost at 7 weeks, found out at 14, had D&C)
FET w/ ICSI #2 June 2017: BFP, M/C Sept (Lost at 9 weeks, found out at almost 13 weeks, had D&C)
FET w/ ICSI #3 April 2018: BFN
IVF # 2: January 2020
ER: Retrieved 15 eggs, 10 fertilized, ended up with 7 five day blasts
Fresh ET Jan 2020: BFN
FET w/ICSI #1 Aug 2020: BFN
5 frosties left, likely not cycling again until next spring.
Posted 06 October 2017 - 03:39 PM
I met a wonderful Doctor ho just looked at me in 2014 and said you have been through a lot. Btw I had a few more m/c which I don't like to recall. Ppl will tell u all sorts of things. I relied on my husband and my good friend. Talking and telling my story on here helped as well. Finally my doctor suggested an egg donor. He said I know you can get pregnant so that is a good thing! When I ended up going to counselling for using an egg donor. This also helped me. I know my story has changed but I started this journey in 2009. I finally got pregnant with a frozen embryo. I was 39 when this happened. I have beat the impossible. I am now 41 I will try again for one more. If it happens great if not I am happy too.
The moral of the story is don't give up and anything is possible. First take time to mourn and reboot. At least you know you can get pregnant. Be grateful for that as a nurse once said to me. Some people never experience this.
Posted 06 October 2017 - 08:16 PM
Adrianna, I am so sorry for your loss. I know it feels like you are alone but you are not! I'm just coming out the other side of something similar and what helped me was reading, counselling and yoga/exercise. I was saying the same thing about avoiding parties and gatherings to my counselor and how I felt that it was unhealthy and I felt guilty. She made me see that I had just been through a difficult experience and that it was ok to give myself a break for a bit and avoid something like a baby shower or family gathering if I needed to (and not feel guilty about it!). It will take time and a bit of work, (there were days that I had to force myself to go to yoga or call a friend to meet for coffee) but it will get better! I'm wishing you strength and sending you a hug!!
4 failed IUIs (2015 and 2016), 1 failed IVF (2016)
DE IVF 2017 - one embryo transferred, ended in miscarriage
FET 2018 - BFN
No embryos left - taking some time to decide what is next.