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My friend had a baby yesterday


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#1 wannabeamama

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Posted 22 September 2017 - 03:02 PM

I just need to vent...

 

So my friend had her baby yesterday.  We're not super close, so it was a surprise to me when I went on Facebook.  I knew it would be hard because we were due around a similar time, before I miscarried.

Now I just feel like I have to avoid Facebook for a while and maybe even her.  I am still grieving my losses, it's just too hard.

 

Is there anything you do or think about that makes you feel better when this type of thing happens?  I was having a good day and now I'm not going to be able to stop thinking about what could have been and how unfair life is.


  • beautifulcreature likes this

Me: 37 DH: 36

 

TTC since 2014

 

IVF #1: November 2016

ER: Retrieved 5 eggs, 5 fertilized, ended up with 4 five day blasts

 

Fresh ET Nov 2016: BFN

FET w/ ICSI #1         Feb 2017: BFP,  M/C Apr (Lost at 7 weeks, found out at 14, had D&C)

FET  w/ ICSI #2       June 2017: BFP,  M/C Sept (Lost at 9 weeks, found out at almost 13 weeks, had D&C)

FET w/ ICSI #3        April 2018: BFN

 

IVF # 2: January 2020

ER: Retrieved 15 eggs, 10 fertilized, ended up with 7 five day blasts

 

Fresh ET Jan 2020: BFN

 


#2 CdnHockeyGal

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Posted 22 September 2017 - 03:17 PM

((you))  I am so sorry...I definitely know how that one goes.

 

We all have different coping techniques...I am personally a big fan of the "unfollow" button on FB...just keep it out of my feed and I can deal with it more easily.

 

During our IF journey I made sure to keep myself busy with activities and friendships that don't have little ones.  I went to a lot of yoga classes, gym classes, team sports...wine nights & dinner.  I usually found if I was sweating my tush off...I couldn't think of anything else other than surviving the next hour.  LOL

 

Wishing you all the best on your journey.


  • lumnay and SunshineTTC like this
It was long, awful & hard. We got very lucky and didn't run out of both emotional and financial resources. We saw some of the most beautiful of people in our lowest moments. Baby Girl arrived Apr 10/2018

#3 hopefuldadsomeday

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Posted 22 September 2017 - 03:19 PM

Sorry to hear about your loss, it's not easy.  My wife had her second miscarriage when my brother was having their first child.  It was really rough on my wife as we had a lot of family gatherings to celebrate it and they would keep asking my wife when she would be having her first child (nobody in our family is aware of our infertility problems).  We did end up going for counselling which has helped.  She initially did have some reservations whenever we saw the baby, as it triggered memories of our loss, but now she is able to interact with the baby just fine.  Wishing you strength during this tough time.


  • SunshineTTC likes this

March 2016 - Miscarriage #1 (chemical pregnancy)

August 2016 -  Miscarriage #2 (Trisomy-16)

December 2016 - Miscarriage #3 (unknown - suspected chromosomal abnormality)

IVF #1 - Aug 2017 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol) - 9 eggs retrieved, 3 fertilized, 2 blastocysts, only 1 PGS normal embryo 5BB mitoscore 25.1 (frozen)

IVF #2 - Nov 2017 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol - with testosterone priming and growth hormone) - 7 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized with ICSI, 1 blastocyst PGS-normal 5BB mitoscore 33.12 (frozen)

IVF #3 - Jan 2018 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol with growth hormone) -  4 eggs retrieved, 2 fertilized with ICSI, 1 blastocyst PGS-normal 6BB mitoscore 29.82 (frozen)

FET #1 - March 2018 - cancelled due to thin lining (6.25mm)

FET #1.2 - April 2018 - cancelled due to thin lining again! (4.85mm)

FET #1.3 - June 4, 2018 (lining 7.5mm!) - th_abfn.gif

ERA Aug 2018 - Pre-receptive by 1 day

FET #2 - Sep 18, 2018 (lining 6.9mm) th_abfp.gif  Beta #1: Sep 30, 2018 - 682  Beta #2: Oct 6,2018 - 6656 U/S: Oct 15 - measuring 6w4d (CRL 6.87mm), HR 127bpm! U/S: Oct 25 - measuring 8w1d (CRL 16.69mm), HR 168bpm!  Discharged to midwives!  June 7, 2019: It's a girl!  DD born 7lb 2oz babygirl.gif


#4 nervus optimist

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Posted 22 September 2017 - 08:36 PM

Take care of yourself first and foremost. Whatever you need to do. You can hide people from your facebook feed - it's a convenient way to keep them on your friends list without seeing their baby spam. within the month around the due date of the first baby that was lost to MC literally 10 of my friends had babies. All within 1 month! I quickly learned that baby showers were not for me and I conveniently had family functions or other conflicts during every single one. It was important to me to maintain the friendships, but definitely there was a good chunk of time that I was mysteriously unavailable. The true friendships survived so when I was ready to see them more I could and it was like nothing happened. I still bought gifts for the most part and either sent in the mail or dropped off after the baby was born, but avoided the events that just were not right for me. And numerous times hid people from my facebook feed.

 

Like cdnhockeygal I spent a lot of time acquiring new hobbies that conveniently were less likely to have babies around. Meant I made new friends and learned to have my own fun in spite of everything that was happening in the background. I must have signed up for 10 classes to try new things in one year. Some of them stuck. most of them didn't. But it was a good distraction from the challenges at the time.

 

:flowers:


  • lumnay, SunshineTTC and hopefuldadsomeday like this

I am 38, DH - 39
Genetic - IVF&PGD to prevent Genetic Disorder
IVF #1 - Nov/08 - MC @ 6 weeks, no embryos frozen
IVF #2 - Aug/09 - bfn
IUI #1 - Feb/10 - ectopic
PRIDE - Apr/10
Homestudy - July/10
Given the gift of donor embryos - Jan/12
Donor FET Jun/12 - 9 weeks - no heartbeat... MC
Donor FET Oct/12 - we're PG biggrin.png

===> Beautiful baby boy born 2013 babyboy.gif

Donor FET Oct/16 - chemical

April 2017 - surprise PG

===> Beautiful baby girl born 2017 babygirl.gif


#5 kayte1

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Posted 22 September 2017 - 09:33 PM

I'm sorry - for your loss, and how heartbreaking it is to handle all this amidst your own heartbreak.

 

One of the best things I ever did was leave Facebook. At first I worried, I would lose out by missing news and messages online... then realized, if I or a relationship am/is important enough to people, no longer being on Facebook should not be an issue. I worked through a little anxiety of missing the updates, opportunities to attend things or respond to invites, etc. that way... I found that anxiety ended up over time being less than the anxiety of being on FB and dealing with other things. 

 

The other thing I did, was hang onto relationships where people were good to me, sensitive and understanding. If I opened up to people about infertility, losses, going through a hard time, etc. and there was nothingness in return - silence or lack of empathy or distance or so on, I had to let that go. Being in those relationships caused me such great anxiety and sadness. There is grief in letting people go, working through that is a different kind of loss than working through feeling mistreated or neglected.

 

I chose to focus on relationships that were mutual. ie. a friendship where people show empathy, a listening ear and support whether or not you can relate to one another's fight or sadness. Unfortunately less people know how to validate infertility and the loss of a baby than other scenarios requiring support, but I figured after giving it a try and even perhaps a second try expressing how hard things were for me or not feeling healthy, if the other person continued the behavior, it was a no go.

 

I found I was able to be genuinely happy for pregnant friends and their new babies, if they were genuinely invested in me too. I personally find it much harder to rally around someone who ignored my health, losses and struggles. It has made me feel better over time to realize that I don't have a completely black and bitter heart (lol), but that I can compartmentalize my infertility and losses depending on the safety of the situation and the relationship.

 

If people don't know about your struggles, they may not understand your response depending on what it is. If people didn't know mine or I didn't want them to know, sending a text, email, card or gift can substitute in-person or phone interactions but still acknowledge their happy time.

 

I also have found counselling (with an infertility-specific counsellor) a godsend - someone who gets IT ALL, and empathizes, while helping me to feel better about myself and better myself in the process.

 

Hang in there, it's very hard. The sting of this situation will recede, but self-care is so important in this journey. Don't forget to do what's best for you.


  • lumnay, SunshineTTC, returnable and 1 other like this

#6 Awoyt

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Posted 24 September 2017 - 11:45 AM

i echo everyone's thoughts here. so sorry for your loss.

 

I also use the unfollow botton on facebook a lot. Sometimes just have someone/somewhere to vent helps. (we are all here for you)

For me counselling helped.

 

But honestly i used the avoiding technique most of the time. I remember a particular day just after my chemical pregnancy that a friend at work called to asked if i would be at work. i said yeah i am here all day, to which he replied that he was happy casue he was going to bring his baby in and he wanted to thank me for the gift i sent and introduce me to the baby. I panic. as soon as we got off the phone i went to my boss told him i was feeling sick and was going home.

 

i literally ran away from a baby.... not my proudest moment.... but it was self preservation at that point.

 

Do what you need to do so that you can make it through each day. If that means coming here to vent... then that is awesome... if that means that one day you have to run away form a baby too.... that is also okay too!


  • ilovemydogs likes this

TTC since Oct 2014

Feb 2016 - Dx MFJun

2016 - DH underwent surgery - no change

Dec 2016 - ER, 21 retrieved ICSI 8 fertilized 5 day embryos

Dec 2016 - first fresh ET BFN

Feb 2017 - 2nd FET BFN - clinic testing for auto immune - test all good

May 2017 - 3rd FET Beta came back 75, follow up BFN-chemical

Jun 2017 - 4th cycle cancelled due to cramping *Dr. thinks this could be the cause of failures*

Jul 2017 - natural cycle started *fingers crossed* transfer scheduled 2 Aug 2017

 

Positive Beta 14 Aug 17 - trying not to overthink everything!


#7 hopefuldadsomeday

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Posted 30 September 2017 - 03:02 PM

Sheesh, my brother just told me they are pregnant with their second child, and guess what, it wasn't even planned!!!  Not sure if I'm going to be able to handle all the family dinners, etc again...


March 2016 - Miscarriage #1 (chemical pregnancy)

August 2016 -  Miscarriage #2 (Trisomy-16)

December 2016 - Miscarriage #3 (unknown - suspected chromosomal abnormality)

IVF #1 - Aug 2017 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol) - 9 eggs retrieved, 3 fertilized, 2 blastocysts, only 1 PGS normal embryo 5BB mitoscore 25.1 (frozen)

IVF #2 - Nov 2017 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol - with testosterone priming and growth hormone) - 7 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized with ICSI, 1 blastocyst PGS-normal 5BB mitoscore 33.12 (frozen)

IVF #3 - Jan 2018 (estrogen priming antagonist protocol with growth hormone) -  4 eggs retrieved, 2 fertilized with ICSI, 1 blastocyst PGS-normal 6BB mitoscore 29.82 (frozen)

FET #1 - March 2018 - cancelled due to thin lining (6.25mm)

FET #1.2 - April 2018 - cancelled due to thin lining again! (4.85mm)

FET #1.3 - June 4, 2018 (lining 7.5mm!) - th_abfn.gif

ERA Aug 2018 - Pre-receptive by 1 day

FET #2 - Sep 18, 2018 (lining 6.9mm) th_abfp.gif  Beta #1: Sep 30, 2018 - 682  Beta #2: Oct 6,2018 - 6656 U/S: Oct 15 - measuring 6w4d (CRL 6.87mm), HR 127bpm! U/S: Oct 25 - measuring 8w1d (CRL 16.69mm), HR 168bpm!  Discharged to midwives!  June 7, 2019: It's a girl!  DD born 7lb 2oz babygirl.gif