12 replies to this topic

[Bug88]

Four weeks ago I lost my baby at almost 9 weeks. I was camping and woke up to a waterfall of blood. I'm done bleeding for the most part... but every 3 days I'll get a bit of brown spotting for a few hours. This is my second miscarriage ( first was 3 years ago) and I've had a couple chemical pregnancies and numerous failed FETs. I have children through Two fresh ivf cycles ( this was an FET). I'm really struggling this go around and feel sooooo alone. My family has been most unhelpful and have made several insensitive comments like are you going to adopt then, well you already have kids and don't worry about it... it happens to a lot of women. Thaaaanks. Dosent change the fact that I'm broken inside. My friends I've told ignore the situation and even avoid me. I know I'll heal in time but just needed to vent to people who get it. It's not "just" a miscarriage. It's one coupled with infertility. Where my next shot a trying isn't until oct or nov. It costs thousands of dollars for an unguarenteed attempt and its all I think about. Thanks for listening ❤️

[Elizabeth22]

Sorry Bug. You are right - a miscarriage coupled with infertility is not the same. Not. No way.

[Graceland]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish society as a whole was kinder to people who've experienced miscarriage. And you're so right - miscarriage coupled with infertility is a whole other level of grief and heartbreak. Big hugs to you.

[ENF]

Bug I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. My heart goes out to you. Vent here anytime. We are here to support and listen.

I've found that some people in my life (namely my mom) have a hard time discussing sensitive or sad topics with me. She doesn't want to see me in pain, therefore she ignores it. Perhaps your friends are doing the same?

Huge hugs to you.

[returnable]

Sometimes also people just don't know what the right thing to do/say is and their way of dealing with that is ignoring the issue.

[nervus optimist]

I am so sorry. I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry that the people who are closest to you don't get it. Know that when you're here you are never alone. Thinking of you and hoping that you get the love and support you need right now. 

 

[Kayte]

I am so sorry for your loss.The loss, the experience, the heartbreak, it is devastating. I have found locating people that understand this is very soothing and validating, and helps to heal. For me this looked like a counsellor. It made me feel sad that I had to lean on a counsellor, so she even helped with that - another loss in itself, not having a great support system. But it is impowering and deserved, if you are feeling alone, low or desperate.

 

I have spent a lot of time talking to her about feeling avoided, or angry when in times of obvious physical/emotional need, people stay away or don't even ask if we need help. It hurts even more because my husband and I go out of our way to help and care about others, regardless of whether we have experienced what they are going through. She often reminds me that everyone has a different emotional capacity and intelligence, and much of the time, it isn't actually personal or meant to hurt - although the hard thing is, it does and that's when you need people the most. We also talk about how infertility and miscarriage is an invisible crisis - even if you tell people, they aren't predisposed to know how or if help and love is needed, and many people fear saying the wrong thing or upsetting someone, so whether this is the right call or not - they say nothing. 

 

Hopefully education is on the way and more people have been opening up about this publically, because there is such a rise in mental health awareness and we have the whole #bellletstalk thing in Canada, and to me anyone with half a brain and who is close to you, should understand that this is both an emotional and physical crisis. To me it's obvious that a text or general offer of help or asking if someone needs something, is just what a good friend or sibling does. But especially for those who haven't faced struggle or loss, I'm not sure if it's so common of an instinct. People are busy, people are consumed with their own stresses, and as we get older, I've found less friends are available or emotionally available to support the way they did earlier on. This could very well just be me - I personally can relate to your loneliness.

 

Be assured that your crisis, grief and loss is real and profound, and that you are deserving of love and support. Also be assured that despite the stress and pain, a new day will come where things feel easier to attack and think toward your next steps. You will always be supported here!

[amazing grace]

Bug, 

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it is and no matter the length of pregnancy, it is still a loss. The hardest thing for me and I have gone through four miscarriages, four failed Fet's and a termination at almost 17 weeks is the insensitivity of people, especially those closest. It is unfortunate but many people in society do not view pregnancies as actually babies. Many have preconceived notions that it is not a baby until it is delivered. After my termination, my sister referred to my baby as a blop so not to worry about it. Really,, this is no joke! Regardless, it does not make it right and society needs to be schooled on how difficult it is for a woman to loose a baby, regardless if the baby is in womb or in world. I want you to know that it does get easier, and for the most part what has helped me is knowing that her time with me was done and she fulfilled her purpose. Her name was Ava Maria and although I let her go, I miss her ever day. So I understand the emptiness you feel. My only suggestion is to let time dictate what your next steps should be. Follow your heart and listen to your intuition. Release the words that were spoken to you that do not serve you well and take the time to mourn. In the days to come, I wish you peace and hope that those around you will realize how difficult this process can be. 

[Zoe13]

Bug - Sorry to hear about your loss and that you're feeling so alone.  I hope that with time you feel less and less sad.  I'm just fresh off my first miscarriage and had a D and C a few days ago.  The people I've told have been pretty good, for the most part.  I was told to follow up with my family doctor.  When I called today the receptionist told me it's mostly to make sure I'm ok emotionally and that my appointment is Aug. 29 .... I almost laughed when she gave me that date... It's a month away!!!!  I don't feel a huge need to go in right away, but, checking to see how I am emotionally in a month seems a little late....  In terms of questions from friends there are two that are irritating me:

 

1.  Was this another IVF?  (I'm not sure why that's important?  I'm not sure what that answer changes for them?  Do they think an IVF vs. natural pregnancy miscarriage would be a different experience?  Do they think a miscarriage is more expected with IVF, therefore, more ok if it was an IVF pregnancy? Do they think b/c I did IVF I've brought this on myself?.... Trying not to over think that question too much b/c it's clearly bringing out some bitterness).

2.  How far along were you?  (I just said I miscarried and had a D and C.... does it really matter how far along?  It was 9 weeks 5 days exactly, I was showing and most of my pants/shorts no longer fit but it really doesn't matter at all, it sucks no matter what.  When I think back to the cryptic email I sent from work to tell DH I was pregnant I just cry remembering how excited I was... whether it ended at 5 weeks or 10 I think I'd still feel pretty hurt.)

 

I don't know why people say the things they do.  I feel like sometimes people think DH and I are less deserving of having a healthy baby b/c of the history of infertility and my DD's preterm birth.  I feel like some people think that it's justified and aren't able to empathize and realize that the same thing could happen to them.  BUT... I realize that I'm probably just projecting some sort of personal insecurity onto them and that (aside from one friend) really no one is thinking that.... hopefully.  

 

In terms of finding someone who might be good for you to talk to, the OB that did the D and C told me I could call the Women's Health Clinic at the hospital and arrange to talk to a counsellor if I wanted to.  Would you be able to contact your doctor to arrange for something like that?  I went to someone before doing IVF and she was actually really helpful in helping me to manage my own feelings and expectations of and reactions to others.  It made me less angry - although I do feel like infertility has forever changed some aspects of my personality (in some ways for the better.. others probably not so much).  

 

I hope you're able to find the support you need and deserve.  Message me anytime - I'll try not to always write long rants like this one in response!

[Zoe13]

I'm also very sorry to hear that it happened to you while camping.  That is really not fair at all to have to deal with that without proper facilities and privacy.

[hopefuldadsomeday]

Hi Bug88, sorry to hear about your loss.  It's something I would not wish upon anyone.  We've elected not to tell any of our friends/family about our struggles.  Our families can be a little nosy/intrusive and we thought we'd be better off without them knowing.  You will find that members of this forum are very supportive, hopefully we can all help you get through this tough time!

 

edit: after our second miscarriage, we did end up seeing a counsellor, which really helped us a lot!

[Bug88]

Thank you so much for all your kind words ladies. Felt like a huge group hug. Even though my heart breaks for all your heartaches it's good to know I'm not alone. From the bottom of my heart thank you for being here. And I'm so sorry for the losses you have endured b

[MomFightPPROM]

For expectants don't know PPROM, I urge you to learn something about it try search on Qiagen.com and Parsagendx.com.