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I thought things would be different by now

Posted by Ljo , 12 January 2015 · 2665 views

It's been two years trying to conceive. A year and a half with help and nothing. I just thought things would be different by now with some progress and I feel like I'm nowhere.

We've been told that IVF looks like our next best option and so we've been trying to wrap our heads around that as well as looking into finances and how to afford it.

I feel like I'm being punished for something that I've done . I'm so utterly sad about so many facets of my life. 2014 wasn't a great year for me. I've had no support from friends or family through infertility. Everyone who knows about it just generally avoids the topic and asks no questions at all.

The last two months have been the worst. First I lost my grandmother (who I was very close to my whole life) shortly before Christmas, then I was deathly sick for the holidays, all my "friends" cancelled on me the day of New Year's Eve when we were throwing a party and only my husband's friends came, Now my cat (who means the world to me and has been my baby for 7 years) is deathly sick and has been hospitalized for the past week. Just after we started to get a little ahead in the money department with some Christmas bonuses, all of that money plus some has been given to the vet and we're still counting. I feel like I've been crying for the past two months. Infertility has been the last thing on my mind but we were supposed to start down that path in about March. I'm going to be 38 this year and I'm not getting any younger. To top it off, my husband and I have been fighting a lot lately because I'm so stressed out and I take it out on him in frustration even though he's been so great to me.

I was really hoping that 2015 would be a fresh start and things would be looking up but I haven't had one good day so far. I pray for strength and that good things lay ahead for us this year.

MB.

Jan 12 2015 11:07 PM

I'm so sorry for all you've been going through. I'm sure your dh understands but I recommend lots of random hugging. You both need it and it helps. IVF is a road no one wants to be on, but without it many wonderful children would not be here. I hope you have only success in your upcoming cycle.

abundant love

Jan 13 2015 11:50 AM

I'm so very sorry to hear about how you're feeling. The challenges really sound like they're coming from many directions. I am very sorry to hear about your grandmother and your sick cat. DH might need to hear that you're only trying to cope and venting on him because he's the closest...if you haven't already told him. He's your biggest ally right now and knows the whole story. You both need each other, although I know how difficult it is under stress to avoid conflict. I hope you can find a way to nurture each other through this and find the money you need for treatment. You have been given a lot of challenges and I pray that you are able to stay strong, and hold your intentions & dreams clearly.

lumnay

Jan 13 2015 03:39 PM

Ljo, I'm sorry to hear that you are in a very difficult situation. I wish you more strength and lots of good luck/energy. I hope the very best for you and your husband.

I was also told that I should consider IVF if I really want to complete my family. It's been really tough on me and my husband. These days having more open communication, as well as going to counselling, has been helping us.

I am here to listen if you need to vent. I wish that you get more support and understanding from the people around you. (((hugs)))

Lola1973

Jan 14 2015 08:44 AM

Ljo, It sounds like life has been pretty hard on you recently. I know how it feels: I lost my dad and had lots of IF struggles in 2014. All I can say is hold on, it will get better. And I agree with the other ladies, DH is your ally in this so take good care of your relationship. Wishing you better luck in the next few months,

allcriedout

Jan 14 2015 12:34 PM

(((HUGS))) Ljo. I know how it feels to be really down in the dumps. Things will get better, hopefully soon... hang in there...

Take care,

Love and hugs,

ACO

MagentaSky

Jan 14 2015 09:37 PM

Dear Ljo,

I read your post and your past ones and there are so many things I feel I can relate to. First, I am sorry that this moment for you is especially low. I was feeling the same way about my friends and family ignoring my infertility and saying either nothing or completely the wrong thing to me. I started reading more about infertility as trauma and began to understand why it is so devastating. I also sent out the following links to a few close family and friends after I just couldn't take it anymore, and needed them to read the things I couldn't put into words for them:

http://www.theguardi...-about-it-helps

http://www.resolve.o...-etiquette.html

http://familybuildin....pdf?docID=5702

http://www.relations...rtility</span>/

I chose the articles because I feel as if they explain, as best as possible, the trauma and PAIN of infertility. Oh, it is so crushing and no matter the outcome of all of this, I will forever look back on this chapter of my life with absolute sadness and sickness.

Also, I read your previous post about your friend saying "Are you sure you want this?" and I have to share my story about this. I was cycling at my IVF clinic and another woman was there who was also cycling, but she had her little girl with her (I found out recently some clinics do not even allow patients to bring their children if they already have them, just to be considerate of those who are struggling with primary infertility - this is not to say that secondary infertility people don't belong at the clinic, but it's a gesture of politeness to just not bring a child when emotions are SO HIGH). Anyway, so the woman's little girl was running around and being a little bratty, and the woman turned to me, laughed and said the same thing, "Are you sure you want this?" Wow. It's a slap, that's for sure, and I am sure she had no idea. It made me so mad afterwards as I started thinking about it.

Man, I feel like I could write a book about all of the wrong things people say to me - but the truth is, it's not that they are wrong, only that I am so distraught in my life right now that it sometimes seems that nobody can say the right thing. My latest gripe is my friend who has been complaining on and on about the cost of daycare and not saving enough for her child's future. Oh. My. God. It just makes me realize that when I am around people who have children I am on such a different wavelength than them and I cannot, cannot relate nor can I empathize right now with anyone who is struggling with almost any aspect of being a parent. (Okay, there are a few exceptions of course) I feel like a bad person but I have ZERO sympathy for people like my friend right now. Oh I am so jealous of anyone who was able to conceive naturally and I hate the person infertility is making me. I really do. I don't want to be around any of my friends anymore. I've been so isolated from them lately and I don't even care. Yup, this is what this disease (of infertility) is doing to me. Sorry for the rambling.

Ljo

Jan 16 2015 10:49 PM

Thank you ladies. From the bottom of my heart. I truly appreciate you all taking the time to read and reach out to me and offering such great advice and support. I'm feeling better tonight. My cat seems like he's on the mend so that's one good thing that's come out of this and so I'm starting to see the sun behind all the clouds.