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Fear

Posted by tjluvbug , 08 October 2014 · 2291 views

I am 2 days away from the 12 week milestone with this pregnancy. I've never made it so far! I have an OB appointment tomorrow and will ask for a doppler so that I can have some reassurance that all is still well inside with the babies. My last ultrasound was at 10 weeks 5 days. My NT scan is next week and I am more than a little anxious.

I don't have much by way of pregnancy symptoms but then again I didn't have much to begin with. I have weird cramping that happens nearly every day and is definitely worse if I don't drink enough water. It feels sort of like menstrual cramps but is much less intense. Just painful enough to notice something happening. At first I was really scared whenever this happened but as it has been happening constantly and I've had 3 ultrasounds to date and each time everything is good I am trusting that its nothing bad going on and just stretching.

I find myself torn between wanting to look forward and think about life with two babies but also worrying that I'm getting my hopes up. I know that I should just enjoy this pregnancy as I'm very lucky to have no real morning sickness other than the occasional bout of nausea that causes me to gag without warning. But I am still so fearful that this will be taken away from me. I know that I am not alone in this fear and that probably every woman on here that has gone through infertility and has gotten pregnant feels fear about losing what is so precious and wanted. But how do we cope? I know that this is a rhetorical question, but seriously how!

galfromaway

Oct 09 2014 07:27 AM

Oh, I am so familiar with that. I was so worried during my first trimester -- nothing seems real. I had a panic one day at about 10 and a half weeks, worried that Bean wasn't real. Thankfully the clinic let me come in for an ultrasound, and I could see it, see its heartbeat.

How do we cope? We breathe. We hang onto cautious hope. We smile and think about the Bean. I talked to it and told it all about DH and I, and how excited we were for this, and that we wanted it to stick around and grow to be a healthy baby.

Once I started feeling movement, and once I got past the 20 week mark, and the 24 week mark, I started to relax. I was able to be more excited and happy. But I never took a day for granted.

Oh - and prenatal yoga helped me a lot too. I had to focus on breathing, and looking after me.

Congratulations - you've made it this far! Hugs!!

- ladylazarus likes this

ladylazarus

Oct 09 2014 10:46 AM

I had to make a conscious effort everyday to relax and breathe. We know what can go wrong so we don't get to live in some sort of blissful ignorance. It's like walking a tightrope....trying to be happy for our success, not dwell on the 'what if's' but also realistic so we don't fall from such dizzy heights if it all comes crashing down.

The only practical advice is to try that routine where you only allow yourself so much time a day to ruminate on the dire possibilities and when you catch yourself thinking about them outside of that time, just remind yourself that all you can do is take it one day at a time, and then get back to what you were doing or take a few minutes to breathe, literally. We cannot control all the outcomes. I agree that between 20-24 weeks, it's easier to enjoy the good part of pregnancy and stop worrying (so much).

Congratulations and may everything go smoothly!!

- galfromaway likes this

amazing grace

Oct 09 2014 05:31 PM

Although I never got as far as you have, I know all to well your fears and what you are feeling. It is normal especially because we have gone through so much. What many women take for granted, does not come easy for most of us. Then on top of that, you have the added fear of losing especially if you have gone through losses in the past. It is okay to feel the way you do because there is so much unknown. I can't answer your question on how to stop feeling this way, because I myself would not know. If I could offer you any advice it would be to enjoy the little moments that life has to offer. Think, feel and believe that you have come this far and things will continue to progress in a positive way. Remember, positive encourages positive. I hope it helps and good luck with everything.

- ladylazarus likes this

tjluvbug

Oct 09 2014 07:11 PM

Thanks ladies, I knew you would all know how I felt. My mom and my friends just don't get it. I heard one of the heartbeats today so for today I feel pretty calm but I know that will change in the next day or so.

- ladylazarus, galfromaway and Red Wine like this

ladylazarus

Oct 09 2014 10:12 PM

If I reach into my memory banks, I can vaguely remember hearing that once you get past that 8 week mark or 12 week mark, it's just the same as any other pregnancy, as far as potential for loss. It could just be that we know more on this site about when we are finally 'knocked up' and 'normal' women may have an early loss and not even realize it, so it doesn't even register. I just remember being terrified at the beginning, after the bliss of the BFP set in, that I'd be at that U/S and it would be all over. It was really stressful for quite a while, that sort of of up and down anxiety. I wish your mom and your friends could understand that kind of trepidation and give you more support. Congrats on the heartbeat, though. Hang in there!!!

galfromaway

Oct 10 2014 07:16 AM

Hang in there, tjluvbug. It does get easier. It's hard for someone to understand if they haven't gone through the challenges to get to this point, and I think you rmom and friends don't mean any harm. We just are more aware of what can happen than a "normal" person who blissfully goes through all stages of their pregnancy.

So glad you heard the heartbeat.

Like ladylazarus, I was worried that the pregnancy was a figment of my imagination, and thankfully my ob/gyn was the same doctor we had through our two IVF cycles, and she encouraged me to see her every two weeks. I tried to be "strong," but waiting longer than that was really hard.

- ladylazarus and Red Wine like this

Butterfli

Oct 11 2014 07:14 PM

I hear you! When I was getting induced with Ds the midwife asked if I had any questions...I asked what the % was of me having a stillborn. The 'fear' never truly goes...I thought I would enjoy this second pregancy but all the same fears are back, in saying that this is how I mange it. Once you see a healthy heartbeat the chance of m/c goes down to 20% and after your 12wk scan it goes down to 1%...something I repeated to myself like a mantra! I also had to divided my pregnancy up, 12 wks, 20wks 24wks 30wks...just to make it more manageable. It definitely gets better once you feel kicking, such a beautiful reassurance that there is life inside! I felt kicks with Ds at 20wks and thankful I'm just starting to feel teeny tiny movements now at 17weeks (now I know what I'm looking out for!) Right now you are pregnant with healthy twins and you have to hold on to that for now, or else you will drive yourself mad. Good luck, it does get better once you pop and feel movement x

gracegirl

Oct 11 2014 08:36 PM

For me, the anxiety never really went away. I still worry ALL the time about my DS...I worry that something will take this joy away. BUT (and it's a big BUT), I know that I can't live my life in fear...we miss out on so much when we are afraid.

I have learned to cope, to relax more, to breathe...it does get easier in that regard.

Hang in there!

juice

Oct 13 2014 08:18 PM

I'm 17 weeks now, and I'm still fearful. I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I am doing the breathe and enjoy the moment thing, but it's hard. I haven't felt any movements yet, so I'm looking forward to seeing them during our next appt with our OB next week. That will put me at ease. In between appointments, I worry.

heres2hoping

Oct 16 2014 06:41 PM

I didn't even start to relax until week 35, I understand completely! The ONLY thing that got me through was renting a home Doppler to hear heartbeats every morning, noon and night, and sometimes in between. I used up lots of aloe gel for that Doppler! Wishing you happy and healthy 9 months!