Thank you from all the sock monkeys

A year ago this week I went to an OB appt at 30w and ended up in the hospital for three weeks before delivering two perfect teeny tiny boys. Right now they are playing "duelling exersaucers" in front of me and seeing who can screech the loudest (Milan is winning).

As they approach their first birthday, and my life is so full in so many ways, it seems time to express my deepest gratitude to the members of this site, and graduate.

I had a blog, as many of you might remember, and after some negative comments several months ago I made the regrettable decision to delete it. I try to live my life with few regrets, but that is one of my biggies. It was a chronicle of cycling and my pregnancy that I will never get back, and is not duplicated anywhere else. At least I have my cycle and due date threads, which I will revisit to remind myself how it all went.

I'd like to recap my journey here in order to share how meaningful my time on the site has been.

After going off the pill in the spring of 2008, it became clear that my hormones were whacked, and my doctor thought I could be approaching PMOF. Essentially we were pressured into TTCing before DH was ready (but I was ready, I think my body was telling my brain something). An OB/GYN friend of mine put me on Clomid in June 2008. Six months, nothing. We got some referrals to REs, but were told that the wait time for a consult where I live (Edmonton) would be 12-18 months! When DH had a meeting in Vancouver in March, we contacted Genesis and they said they could see us while we were there, no problem.

After that March consult, we decided to do our first fresh IVF cycle in August/September 2008. I won't bother detailing the cycle, as the basics are in my signature, but suffice to say that it didn't work. I fell into a bit of a funk that fall after the BFN and the discovery of a cyst that delayed our FET (which also failed). After the failed FET in January we decided to jump right back on the horse and into a new fresh cycle.

Well, everything went wrong with that cycle. I responded very poorly to the same stims as six months previous, so I ended up stimming higher and longer, and producing less. DH was unable to be with me in Vancouver for ER or ET due to business travel, so he had to come and put his sample in the freezer. When it was defrosted, his swimmers were in bad shape. Thankfully we were doing ICSI so we didn't need a million Michael Phelps, but it was still very demoralizing. When the lab called and recommended a 3-day transfer our hearts sank and we immediately began planning (hopefully!) FET in a couple of months. During the 2ww I began to book travel and accommodation back to Vancouver for the next cycle, we were so sure we would get a BFN.

My beta was supposed to be on Monday, May 3. The previous Wednesday I decided to just go ahead and get the BFN confirmed with a FRER, since I wanted to have drinks and sushi with houseguests that weekend. Imagine my shock when two lines instantly came up with weak midday urine. That May 3 beta ended up being over 1700. In another ten days it was at 51,000 and twins were confirmed.

My DH was very distressed at the idea of twins. He was afraid for my health and safety in the pregnancy, and his ability to parent two at once. It took a few months for him to get used to the idea, and when we had a CVS scare with Baby B at the end of T1 we realized that this was the hand we had been dealt and we had to play it. Thankfully everything turned out okay, and the rest of the pregnancy was pretty uneventful.

I loved being pregnant, much to my surprise. I've always suffered from poor body image, but I felt comfortable in my own (expanding) skin for the first time.

Then at 30w I was admitted and diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome. Even more dangerous was the fact that I only have one kidney. They were threatening to deliver me within a few days, but DH was in Europe and I begged them to wait until he got home. My labs were flip-flopping, and there was no clear indication that I was in critical danger. So we waited. DH came home exhausted, with a stuffed sheep from Denmark that we named "Clampy."

Two weeks of finessing blood pressure meds, mag sulf, catheters, multiple IVs, and bloodwork 4-6 times a day. We lived from lab to lab, hour to hour, day to day. The boys were incredibly uncooperative with the nurses trying to perform NSTs on them 3x a day, kicking at the transducer, moving around, and crowding together to confuse the signals. Little monkeys!

I made it another two weeks. I was ready to push for another two when the labs started showing that my kidney and liver were shutting down. So on Monday, November 15 we waited for DH's clinic to be done for the day, and my OB's clinic to be done for the day, and introduced the boys to the world. They were 3lbs 5oz each and incredibly strong and healthy. No ventilation needed, just some bili lights and growing and feeding. They were in the hospital for a month, and then came home to "real life."

Real life then (and now) means fragmented sleep, perpetual bewilderment that we made these people, struggling with colic and reflux, constipation and teething, memorizing giggles and hugs, and counting down the hours until they're in bed again. It means asking for help and trying not to feel guilty about it. It means collecting strollers instead of handbags. It means being proud to be a mother of twins, and trying to get into fighting form so I can chase them around when they start walking. Until I had children the thing I was most proudest of was not my education or experiences (which are both varied), but my marriage. Now I can add our boys to that. It was a hard road to get here, but we couldn't have had a more ideal outcome.

Here on ivf.ca I've felt supported and understood in a way that I never could have in the outside world. I don't have any "real" friends who have suffered from infertility. I don't know anyone else who has done IVF. I don't really know any other twin mothers. Some of the friends I've made here I will keep for a very long time, if not forever.

So many here have succeeded, failed, given birth, given up, or simply change their perspective on their original goals. And I applaud every single one of you. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you. Thank you for being you. I can't possibly single anyone out, but those whom I've communicated with, you know who you are. And to those who are new to the site, welcome to one of the best places you'll ever hang out online. After coming here every day for two years, it's going to be hard to wean myself off. But life moves on, and so must I, if only to keep up with the junior sock monkeys.

I've added some pictures and made my gallery public for anyone who wants to see the boys, and I'm happy to provide my personal e-mail address to anyone who wants to keep in touch. I wish all of you joy and strength in all you do.