"The only way to eat an elephant is bite by bite"--L.P.

I haven't blogged for awhile and decided that it might help to get some of my thoughts out. Since receiving recommendations for an immune protocol, I have actually been feeling fairly good for the most part. Most days I'm actually quite optimistic and I'm taking the advice of a forum member (The wise Luckypenny) who advised that the only way to eat an elephant is bite by bite. She's right because if I looked at the whole picture of the protocol that we're trying I'd probably feel very, very overwhelmed. I've received a lot of support from people on this forum as well as some friends/family in real life and that helps immensely.

Yesterday I told my sister about the treatment protocol that was recommended for DH and I and, although she was supportive, there were big gaps in the conversation of just silence...like she was trying to comprehend what I was telling her. Similarly, I told a friend of mine today and she looked at me like SHE was overwhelmed.

As a result of some of the immune testing that I had done it appears that I do have issues. I have inherited thrombophilia for starters, which is a blood clotting issue that I will need to take blood thinners for if I become PG again. I also have elevated natural killer cells and cytokines and my protocol includes both Humira and IVig + blood thinners if I get PG on the IVF cycle. When I tell people about what we're doing most people don't react too much about this stuff. It's the next part that they tend to react to (actually, they just look a little stunned).

Since DH and I are overly compatible at a cellular level, and I have low LAD numbers, we are also going to be doing LIT treatments in Mexico. We have to do two LIT treatments, three weeks apart. DH and I will be traveling to Mexico for two separate weekends. The procedure itself sounds simple enough and is supposed to help my LAD levels to rise so that I won't reject the embryo. The idea of traveling that far and going to a clinic in an area of Mexico that is not exactly a resort area is what seems a little "out there" to some. And yet both DH and I have decided to just go for it. Surprisingly, I haven't felt hugely fearful about doing all this and quite often feel at peace with our decision. BUT I am very aware of how all this seems to those outside of the world of IVF. And, even for some of you, within the world of IVF, this may seem like pure craziness.

I've felt little stress since we decided to go down this path although making travel arrangements has been time consuming. I am trying to just take this day by day, step by step and have my mother's voice in my head telling me to "just try your best" because that is what she always told me as I was growing up. In fact, trying my best is all I can do. After two IVFs, this isn't my first rodeo and I have learned along the way that I can't control outcomes. What will be will be.

When I told one of my friends about what we were doing to try to get PG she said, "So if it doesn't work, will you stop after this cycle?" The decision to stop has been a discussion on this forum and it's tricky territory. I answered my friend by saying that I just mainly wanted to focus on this cycle and think positively. Obviously if it doesn't work out, we will have to reassess and consider our options. But it sure would be hard to stop when we NOW have a protocol that is the appropriate one for me. In some ways I feel as though my prior attempts don't count (aside from spending the big $$$) because there was little hope for success because we did not know what we know now.

So, I have decided to follow my instincts and just go for it. I am reassured by the fact that I have a great doctor and in a very short time he has earned my trust. When I have those little moments of doubt creep into my brain, I try to push them out and just focus on the next step. Although money is a factor and DH and I have found it challenging to deal with all the costs associated with all the steps in the protocol, we are managing so far. Truly, all we can do is try not to get too far ahead of ourselves and just take things step by step. So far this strategy seems to be helping me and I hope that as my cycle grows near I can remember to keep focused and calm.

When I got a notice today in the mail telling me that my drug coverage for one of my meds was denied, I had a momentary feeling of, "What are you doing?" I felt discouraged and yet this moment passed. I suspect that I will have many similar moments as I go forward. I just have to remember to ride them out.

I have to trust my instincts...I feel that there will be a baby in my future. I can sense it and will do what it takes to make this intuitive sense become a reality.