Counting blessings...

I have been absent for what seems like an impossibly a long time from this board – although in reality it has probably only been about four weeks.

When I did at last log in tonight, I was overwhelmed and touched by the number of you who had noticed my absence and written me personal notes checking in. Thank you; I can't really explain how heart warming it was, and how much it means to me.

The first and most important update is that the babies are doing just fine. We had our 24 week scan last Wednesday and both babies are right on track in terms of growth with no visible issues. Although one of the placentas in the front of my uterus, I have finally this last week started to feel unmistakable movement, and it is the most wonderful feeling imaginable. Despite Doppler audio and multiple ultrasounds, I am not sure I really BELIEVED until I felt that first movement. I finally hear the baby sleigh bells, and the sound is so sweet.

My cervix is stable; not improving and not deteriorating. My obstetrician will keep me on reduced activity/bed rest until 32 weeks. After that, we will reassess, although realistically all involved want to keep the boys cooking as long as possible so we will in all likelihood continue with this regime until they make their appearance – hopefully not before mid-March.

I would like to say that I have been absent from these boards because I have been happily nesting, resting and visiting with friends in real life. Although elements of this representation would be true (I have certainly been resting physically, and have been blessed with lots of friendly and supportive visits from friends), the truth is that I have been melting down a bit emotionally. I wouldn't call it depression exactly (been there and done that several years ago following my divorce), but many elements of that sadness are there, even as I work daily to count my many blessings.

While being put on bed rest for incompetent cervix was not a complete surprise (I had surgery for cervical cancer 11 years ago and knew that my cervix might be compromised; I also knew that IC was more common with twins, particularly when they occur in a first pregnancy), the abrupt change shook me to the foundation. The first week or so after receiving the order I was still quite busy finishing up work projects, and DH was still finding picking up all the dog walking and household chores romantic and novel.

Things have not been so rosy for us in the weeks since. I (you guessed it) tend to withdraw when I am sad or upset, especially with myself; and the communication tap turns off. DH is one of those rare and lovely male communication junkies – maintaining a consistent emotional connection through dialogue is hugely important to him. He feels hurt and rejected when I turn off, which I did quite abruptly when my fear of loss and inadequacy took over where all of the mental busy-ness left off.

Although DH has repeatedly and sincerely said that what I am doing for the family (gestating the twins) is the most important thing imaginable it is surprisingly hard to go from feeling you are a full partner in an enterprise to being a sidelined, bit player; especially when the doctors all say that no matter what precautions are taken, both babies might still be lost or have very lengthy NICU stays.

I have always been the higher energy partner in our pairing. Like many women here, I am the one to get up early to walk to dog, the one to initiate new projects and cheer them on, the one who kept the household running with groceries, meals and clean clothing. DH is much more laid back; and also much more susceptible to illness, injury and plain old procrastination. While I grew up with the motto, "finish the work first, and then play if there is time", DH grew up in circumstances where he learned through observation that now is all that there is, and if we don't take the time for fun now, we might never have it. He can happily compartmentalize tasks and live with levels of chaos that I find intolerable. Normally, this isn't a big issue; as working together motivates us both, and I am generally capable of finishing projects that he might start and leave at the 90% complete mark.

Now of course, it is all different. I am not allowed even to walk my dog – probably one of my most mentally grounding and sanity preserving activities. I can't shop for our food, and even my ability to cook (due to lifting and standing restrictions) is limited. DH is feeling the burden of it all now – it is no longer so romantic for him to take care of me. He was been ill and uncharacteristically tired. He has been escaping himself into late night movie-fests and long conversations/visits with his friends. Many projects around the house are languishing (including important safety related projects like stair rails), and I feel I have no ability or right to try motivate or encourage my already over-burdened partner to do more.

We are not spending our nights together (pregnancy has also brought with it ongoing nasal congestion that causes me to snore very loudly - how attractive) and sex, not surprisingly, is entirely off limits. I have been feeling guilty; he has been feeling snowed under and deprived.

Our house hasn't been the happiest of places over the last few weeks; mostly brought on by my contagious negativity.

Christmas Eve coincidentally brought us to 24 weeks; the point where my OB says that the boys have a 50% chance of survival. With each day that has passed since, I have felt a little bit lighter, and a little bit more hopeful that all of this will somehow work out.

After a tearful meltdown on Boxing Day, DH and I had a long overdue heart-to-heart. He continues to reassure me that he thinks that what I am doing is worth any sacrifice in the world. We were finally able to share our fears about losing these two precious angels after coming this far, and I think both got comfort from acknowledging this darkest fear, and realigning ourselves in the direction of our goal - healthy babies. We have also started the life affirming task of seriously discussing what these two boys will be called once they make their appearance. I think that we are both looking forward to moving ahead and out of our rut.

I often worry about the toll that 2009 has taken on our marriage and love for each other; I worry about the toll that the next weeks of ongoing bed rest will take, the potential of premature babies and NICU, and then the absolute exhaustion of caring for two newborns. I have not even started to worry yet about the next phase – will I be a good mother? What I wonder will the toll be in 2010?

I understand in every way that we are being given the greatest possible gift – children. I understand that for some of the dear women and men here, that suffering any restriction would be entirely justified and would be borne without complaint. I will/would suffer anything to bring these two miracles into the world – as would my DH. I fall guilty of complaint however. My demons have gotten the better of me these last weeks. I wish I could conquer my fears – of both potential loss and my own inadequacy.

In the meantime, I will continue to count my many blessings – most importantly these babies in my belly, my loving and long-suffering DH, and my dear dog, who no longer gets my company on her walks. The trap door to the cellar of my fears and doubts remains wide open, and I need to watch my step more carefully to avoid falling in once again.

Life is so fragile. Marriage is so fragile. Love is so fragile. And yet, despite obstacles, they all somehow continue to thrive.