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Update-Joy and Pain

Posted by Ljo , 24 December 2016 · 2650 views

I don't even know where to begin. I am pregnant. After four years of waiting for it to happen, our FET finally worked this time. I am 14 weeks as of yesterday. Supposed to be the happiest time of our lives.

Two weeks ago today my mom passed away and I am lost. We were told in November that the radiation and chemo didn't work on her tumour and we were waiting for an MRI to see if it had spread. She never got her MRI because instead she was rushed to hospital and we were told she was terminal. 10 days later she was gone.

I am having a very hard time with the pregnancy and dealing with her loss. We told my parents I was expecting only five days before she was hospitalized. She was very happy for us but after we left, my dad told me later that she cried because she knew she wasn't going to be around for it. I had no idea things were that bad. It absolutely breaks my heart that she knew that. In some ways I wish she hadn't known and then I also struggle with the thoughts of why couldn't I give her this grandchild four years ago.

Now I'm trying to make sense of the fact that my mom will not be there for me during my pregnancy. My child will never receive a gift from her grandma. My mom will not be attending any baby showers for me. We have shopped for so many other babies together over the years and I am so angry that I don't get that opportunity.

Everybody is telling me to take of myself and think of the baby now. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I am ashamed to say that I've thought about not wanting this baby if it meant my mom wasn't around to see it happen. It's like in order to get our baby, someone else had to go. I know in my heart that this baby is a miracle and will bring a lot of joy into our lives but I just have a hard time seeing past my grief at the moment.

I don't know anyone else in the same situation as I am. I have friends who have lost parents but never while pregnant or after dealing with the trauma of infertility. I feel totally alone.

Thanks for reading. I apologize that I sound ungrateful for this child. I really don't mean to be and am just struggling with my feelings.

mouse

Dec 28 2016 01:55 PM

((You))

Reena28

Dec 28 2016 11:31 PM

Hugs to you. It must have been hard going through the holidays with your loss.

Pebbles

Jan 01 2017 06:34 PM

So sorry for your loss and your very hard time- I might be wrong, but I believe to have seen in Area 51 that sadly Pearljam is in a similar situation of having lost her father (?) when just having found out to be pregnant. Maybe you could try to find the thread to confirm and reach out for support? Hugs

Yearning

Jan 02 2017 04:55 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

cheers

Jan 02 2017 08:08 AM

So sorry for your loss. I wish you lots of love and peace in the new year. I'm sure your mom was happy to know that you will have a little one in your arms in 2017 - and I'm sure your mom's spirit will be with you throughout your pregnancy and after. HUGS

Victoria

Jan 03 2017 05:32 PM

Congrats on the successful conception my condolences on the passing of your mother. I hope the good memories you have of her will help you through this difficult time and throughout your pregnancy.

SecondAct

Jan 03 2017 10:46 PM

Hugs. I was in this situation. PM me if you want,

Crazy_beautiful89

Jan 06 2017 08:54 AM

Very sorry for your loss, don't let anyone tell you your feelings are not appropriate. Being honest and open is the only way you will get through it! Sending you lots of positive vibes!

Bre

Jul 08 2017 04:34 PM

I am so sorry, this is heart breaking! I hope you are doing ok, hang in there!! xoxo

dstephans

Jul 25 2017 11:24 PM

If my calculations are right your LO should be here or almost here. I just wanted to say I had almost the same situation 2.5 years. My father was diagnosed with cancer after we found out I was pregnant (FET--6 miscarries). He passed 2 months before she was born. I don't know what your thoughts are about the spiritual world...but for some reason I feel they met. She picked up a lot of his characteristics and it is amazing having another piece of him here with us. I even named her after him. Now that she's verbal she'll say things that he would say. I was fortunate in that he did get to feel her move...and he would sing to her and she would dance inside..(or want him to stop..lol.) But my point is that life is short...love your LO for you and your mother. I know how hard it is...God only knows that I know how hard it is...but channel your emotions into something amazing. You'll see that your mom is not that far from you after all.

big hugs to you and yours

Nurse08

Oct 28 2017 10:11 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's not the same but we lost my dad a week after finding out he was terminal. We struggled with infertility for 6 years. We were blessed with our son who was born via surrogate (my sister) in Jan 2015. My son was only 18 mths when my dad passed away. It hurts to know that my son won't get a chance to grow up knowing his pepe. He sees pictures of him and knows who he is. Also talks to his pepe in his room and high fives him. My sister was unexpectedly pregnant before my dad passed and she never did tell him. She didn't want him to be upset with her or make him feel bad should anything happen to him. This was before he had surgery to remove his kidney, ultimately the cancer spread and he passed 1 month after his surgery.

I know you feel angry, hurt right now and that is normal. People say it gets easier but i am not going to lie. It doesn't. It gets harder. Know that your mom is watching over you and your baby and will be there in spirit guiding you through out this journey. Hugs