Update-Joy and Pain
I don't even know where to begin. I am pregnant. After four years of waiting for it to happen, our FET finally worked this time. I am 14 weeks as of yesterday. Supposed to be the happiest time of our lives.
Two weeks ago today my mom passed away and I am lost. We were told in November that the radiation and chemo didn't work on her tumour and we were waiting for an MRI to see if it had spread. She never got her MRI because instead she was rushed to hospital and we were told she was terminal. 10 days later she was gone.
I am having a very hard time with the pregnancy and dealing with her loss. We told my parents I was expecting only five days before she was hospitalized. She was very happy for us but after we left, my dad told me later that she cried because she knew she wasn't going to be around for it. I had no idea things were that bad. It absolutely breaks my heart that she knew that. In some ways I wish she hadn't known and then I also struggle with the thoughts of why couldn't I give her this grandchild four years ago.
Now I'm trying to make sense of the fact that my mom will not be there for me during my pregnancy. My child will never receive a gift from her grandma. My mom will not be attending any baby showers for me. We have shopped for so many other babies together over the years and I am so angry that I don't get that opportunity.
Everybody is telling me to take of myself and think of the baby now. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I am ashamed to say that I've thought about not wanting this baby if it meant my mom wasn't around to see it happen. It's like in order to get our baby, someone else had to go. I know in my heart that this baby is a miracle and will bring a lot of joy into our lives but I just have a hard time seeing past my grief at the moment.
I don't know anyone else in the same situation as I am. I have friends who have lost parents but never while pregnant or after dealing with the trauma of infertility. I feel totally alone.
Thanks for reading. I apologize that I sound ungrateful for this child. I really don't mean to be and am just struggling with my feelings.