Another year come and gone
Tomorrow I turn 39 and another year marked as childless. I've taken a break for a while from the forum to regroup and kind of focus less on infertility but I've still been trying to start my family in the meantime and doing treatments. I found that I wasn't really fitting in anywhere on this site as all my previous contacts had moved on and I was stuck in the same place as when I started three years ago.
Currently I am in my 2ww after my first FET from my second round of IVF. We have been trying to do our IVF round since January only to have one problem after another with my cycle. We were finally able to do a retrieval in July and had to do a freeze all. So here I am waiting for beta results and already assuming the worst. Terrible way to think but I can't help myself. I have never seen a postive pregnancy test.
This year has not been friendly to me. My husband and I have had many hurdles thrown at us and I was so hoping this year would be our year finally. We have dealt with deaths in the family, each of us having car accidents within three weeks and the worst news of all; my mom being diagnosed with cancer in May. There are lots of other things that have happened inbetween all of those but those being the major disasters.
I finally had a breakdown in June and my husband sought the help of a marriage counsellor for us both through a program at his work. It proved to be a complete waste of time as the counsellor had no knowledge of infertility or how to help us through this difficult part of our lives but we didn't have a choice in counsellors if we weren't paying out of pocket.
I just feel like it's all hopeless and I'm suspended in time, unable to move on with my life if I don't achieve this dream in life. I wasn't excited about finally starting my IVF nor was I excited to finally do the transfer. I'm just trying to prepare for the grief I experienced when I went through this a year ago. I feel like such an outsider when I read all the other experiences about how excited the women are to start their treatments and they have such optimistic, positive outlooks on life. I wish I could feel that way.