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Infertility is sucking away any happiness I had

Posted by Ljo , 10 May 2015 · 2750 views

Here I am sitting and writing another post with my bags partially packed in the bedroom getting ready to leave for a while. I just don't know how to stay in the same house with my husband and get along anymore. I'm miserable.
 
I just started the process of long protocol IVF this week and I feel totally and utterly alone. My DH couldn't make that appointment because he couldn't get out of work and when I got home to tell him about the appointment, he changed the subject to his baseball game the night before.  The fact that he couldn't come to my first appointment crushed me because I needed him there emotionally but I think it crushed me more that he just didn't seem to care too much.  This is an ongoing cycle with us and our lack of communication. We have barely seen each other this week as he has sports obligations three nights a week and then other hang outs with friends planned.
 
I am bitter!! I didn't sign up for any sports this year because I thought #1 maybe I'd be pregnant by now or #2 I'd be doing IVF and couldn't do anything rigorous anyways.  So I sit at home while my husband comes and goes as he pleases with all his social events.
 
My friends have all but abandoned me because they are all busy moms of multiple children and I just don't fit into their lifestyle and don't have anything in common with them anymore. I have no support from family members either. It's a topic that is swept under the rug and not to be talked about.
 
My husband left me at home to go to his mom's place so he can celebrate his birthday and mother's day with his family. He asked if I was coming (after not speaking all morning) and I shook my head no. So he told me to have a great day and left.  I wanted him to talk to me, to care about how I've been feeling, to want me to go with him but instead he just left me here like he's been doing all week. I just feel like I've been abandoned once again and that we are so far apart, there's no hope of us seeing eye to eye.
 
I can't stand to be here when he gets back and I have no where to go but to my parents house. I dread going there because I don't want to talk about my problems with them. We have our own family issues there.  So here I sit on Mother's Day alone and depressed and with no one to turn to and wondering how my life turned out like this.

  • juice likes this



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allcriedout
May 10 2015 05:45 PM
((Hugs))xo
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allcriedout
May 10 2015 05:55 PM
Thought that I would just start with the above comment, to let you know that I am here for you, while I write this comment/post. This is so hard. IF sux and it ruins everything. Even though I have had success, I still do not look forward to today as for i remeber the utter pain and sheer hell that I lived on those days when I was still on the other side of the fence.

Some men just don't understand and sometimes we have to spell everything out for them. Have you tried to tell him how much pain that you are in? He is most likely feeling just as sad and horribly as you are, but feels helpless and doesn't know how to help or what to do for fear of upsetting and hurting you further. I too wanted to run away and leave, but the thought of going to my parents house made me feel way worse than sitting here at home in misery with my dh, so I get you there on that point.

Don't leave. Try to hang in there and talk to dh as calmly as possible when he gets home. Trust me, fighting only pushes them further away. Communication is key.

Today is almost over. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start. Have faith and hope for your upcoming cycle.

I am here for you if you want to chat. Heck, we all are... Feel free to pm me if you like/want to, anytime.

Love and hugs,
Aco
Xo
    • gibasgirl and Ola1981 like this
Oh my darling, please stay strong. Men have different way of communication than we do. believe me you are not alone, I went to all my IVF appointments and follow ups alone, except for the egg retrievals and transfers.




I completely understand what you go through, as I am crying reading your post, Waiting and anticipation, are very hard... Very sad and bitter. But always remember the light at the end of the tunnel...




Please don't do away, try to communicate with your DH and express what you feel. I hope you have a successful IVF with a beautiful take home baby.


((((((((Hugs ))))))))))
    • Victoria, gibasgirl and Ola1981 like this

Reading your words brought back so many memories from a few years ago when after going through infertility treatments for 3 years and no pregnancy for 6 years all my husband and I did was fight and fight and fight.      I had quit all my sports and evening commitments as I had sunk into this horrible depression and I felt I was no longer good company for anyone.   You are not alone and you are not alone for being at odds with your significant other as you go through this,  just wanted to make sure you knew that.

 

My advice is to look for support where you can, and really try to get out on some date nights with your husband where you don't talk about infertility at all.   Sign up for some events that will get you out of the house and take your mind off things, it's so hard to do but you will feel so much better for just getting out.

 

Men really just don't handle emotional situations the way we do as I learned going through this.  Many of us here have discovered that it's not that they don't care, they just don't express it the same way we do.   Try to find a means of communicating, it's critical to your relationship to get through this.   As one article I had read put it:

 

"Men seek escape when confronted by stress. They compartmentalize and repress their feelings in an effort to get away from their dilemma. They change the subject through diversions, such as sports and clubs. They do not, however, emote or discuss their feelings, but rather hit that tennis or golf ball, competitively."

    • Victoria, gibasgirl, ladylazarus and 1 other like this

i completely understand this all - i have said alot lately that i hate what IF has done to me, changed me from what i was to what i am and i dont always like what i am - i too (at 30 whcih i feel is still young) and the ONLY one of my freinds with out kids and i too feel abandoned and alone - i try to keep going bc i dont know what else to do i feel like a robot sometimes and my husband too doesnt always get it ! my family doesnt get it NO ONE gets it but the poeple going through it ! im here for you if you ever want to chat!!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the other posters that men to not handle things the same as us. They prefer to ignore issues, not discuss them. My hubby and I used to have arguments as well, when I would try to talk to him about our infertility. In my mind, infertility was everything I could think of and all I wanted to talk about, it was opposite for him. I found that once I found this site and found a few friends IRL, that were facing a similar battle, things got a bit better. I could then discuss IF with others and leave only the major decisions/discussions for hubby and the rest of our life was not built around the next appointment. It did wonders for our relationship and my stress levels. Plus, having girlfriends who "get it" is priceless. I wonder if there are any IF support groups in your area? Or you could see if anyone on this site is in your area that could meet up for a coffee? Big hugs to you!
    • Victoria and gibasgirl like this

It's so hard for the men too.  They just don't express it in the way that we do.  I think there's less talking about it and more avoidance/denial.  Reading your post, it sounds to me that what you might see as him abandoning you could actually be him trying to please you by giving you space (a lot of guys like to hang out alone when they're hurt), or else he really is floundering and not knowing what to do. 

    • Victoria and gibasgirl like this

I'm new and I know this is from May... but I couldn't help but comment.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  In the beginning when I was on new meds that made me really emotional... we fought a lot.  I was constantly at him, it changed me for those five days.  I have gone to all my dr appointments alone, as well as the two IUIs... he went for a couple scans.  I know what its like to feel that they don't care about this... I know what its like to feel alone in this IF bs... but you're not.  I wonder if it becomes a weird avoidance reaction that they can't fix it... so they avoid?  I know my husband just didn't want to talk about it, and honestly I wanted to talk about it a lot.  I wanted to cry and mope and told him that he married a 'dud' because I couldn't get pregnant. There are lots of people on here for support. I'm glad that I found this place tonight. 

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