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Still Echoing

Posted by DesignerBug , 24 February 2016 · 3063 views

In 2003 when we decided "we'd chance" getting pregnant we would have never in a million years guessed what lay ahead. In fact, it's likely a good thing that we didn't know what was to come, as I'm pretty sure it would have been enough to just walk away without even trying.
The nearly 6 years it took us to conceive gave us a lot more than just a hole in the bank account, new enhanced coping skills and an unusual collection of fertility and science facts that would rival most med students.
Yes, while it gave, it took a lot too. A whole damn lot that we'll never get back. I prefer not to visit those thoughts much and focus on where we are today.
It seems that February 2016 is stirring up a lot of old memories and grazing a few formerly settled nerves. A few scares are aching and there is this echo from the past.
January 2009 our 2nd and would be final IVF began. No matter the outcome, I knew that this was it. By February we were pregnant. It had worked. It's been 7 years since that cycle that brought us so much joy and introduced a whole new collection of challenges. From high risk pregnancy challenges to coming to terms with the emotional reality of life after infertility.
Two years later we once again found ourselves pregnant. This time "spontaneously". As in big fat giant ass surprise. Once again, emotional game changer. But never would we have guessed that February 25th, 2011 that pregnancy would go to shit and after 6 days of bedrest (as in not even allowed to sit up all the way or get out of bed) that this little angel would find his way back to our hearts, but never to our arms as he was born sleeping at 20 weeks gestation.
Another two years passed. This time, another surprise. Due February 1st we defied the odds and all was well.... Well, until he decided to arrive the end of December. No biggie.
This time it's been 3 years... no more pregnancies. The factory is closed. Instead this year we have some closure in some way. Our sleeping angel would be 5 years old in a couple days. His little brother is a crazy 3 year old and his big sister is an amazing 6 year old. This year we took another step to closing this chapter in our lives and donated our remaining embryo's.
We've spent the past 7 years paying for their storage knowing we'd likely never use them ourselves. But we paid year after year. I'm not sure what changed this year, but it changed. We were finally ready to release them and give back to our community in a simple way through science. 
It was a personal choice and one that was not made on a whim. It's funny how things change in the life there after fertility treatments. But really, I guess it's just life and it's evolution.
So ya... while I don't come around here much anymore. Know that I often think about all the amazing parents that are out there waiting to meet and hold their beautiful angels. It's not an easy journey, but beyond a shadow of a doubt it's worth it. Worth every tear, every needle, every penny and every sacrifice. 
But even when it's a thing of the past, there will always be times when it will still echo.

  • Cassandra_Angela, allcriedout, Victoria and 9 others like this

nervus optimist
Feb 25 2016 12:25 AM

Beautifully written. Your decision will bring joy and hope to a couple that feels that they have tried everything and are just about ready to give up. It is their one last try. One last cycle. And if the universe aligns itself just right it will bring them a miracle greater than they can even imagine.


Wishing you and your family much happiness together.



    • Cassandra_Angela, allcriedout, gibasgirl and 1 other like this
You're an amazing communicator. Thanks for sharing your journey. I am only 4 years into mine and about to try my first IVF. Your story is encouraging.
Wonderful deed.

Wow! Amazing !!

A reminder on Change

If Nothing ever Changed, there would be no Butterflies."Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties tomorrow of its strength"Corrie Ten Boom

By the Way...

I just wanted to say Hi! and welcome and thank you for taking the time to not just stop by, but for coming back and keeping up to date. My name is Danielle, but here I go by DesignerBug. I've been around the block, the neighbourhood and some. With over 5 years of challenging, learning and growing from reality of being reproductively challenged I have landed myself here on and for now, I like to call it home.Please check out the Archive Feature and the Categories Features posted along the side to help navigate your way through my thoughts, insights and meltdowns. Some days are overflowing with entries and you never know when you may have missed something.Please don't be shy. I'd love to hear your opinions, suggestions and reflections of my insights.... even the ones where you think I'm officially off my rocker. Just let me know from time to time that I'm not talking to myself.Thanks!

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From Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth GilbertI keep remembering one of my Guru's teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to it's good attainments.

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3-DAY TRANSFER:1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells &fetal cells8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected onHPT

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My History

April 2003... Let the Fun BeginSeptember 2004... First Visit to a SpecialistOctober 2004... Diagnosed with elevated prolactinDec2004 - May2005... Monthly rounds of Fermera, unmonitoredDecember2004... Uterine BiopsyMay2005... Post Coital Exam... diagnosed, hostile mucus (noted 2 years later that the exam was 15 years outdated and ovulation/fertile window was never confirmed, so results were technically inconclusive)June 2005... First IUI with FermeraAugust 2005... 2nd IUI with FermeraOctober 2005... 3rd IUI with FermeraNovember 2005... Uterine BiopsyDecember 2006... 4th IUI with FermeraJanuary 2006... 5th IUI with ClomidFebruary2006... HSG/LAP day surgery... results minor endo maybe... but otherwise nothingFebruary 2006... First Appointment at Hamilton Health Sciences Centre for Reproductive Care.... first internal u/s FIRST proper monitoring of cycle... turns out all those other IUI's were unsuccessful because they were done too early, I O late.April 2006... First monitored IUI with Clomid (6th IUI)May 2006... 7th IUI - First with injectablesJune 2006 - Canceled IUI... over stimulatedAugust 2006... 8th IUI - 2nd with injectablesDecember 2006... 9th IUI - 3rd with injectablesJanuary 2007 - BROKEN!!! Gave up for a year2007 - No Treatments! No drugs!October 2007... First consult for IVFOctober2007... Attended IVF Info SeminarNovermber2007... consult appointment, everything seemed good to go.December 2007.... another appointment... suddenly told I need to complete an EKG, PAP and series of blood tests before moving forward. Then encountered furhter delay due to Christmas holidays.January2008... Following identification of 4cm ovarian cyst on CD3 u/s... pushed for no more delays and got the cycle going.February2008... Retrieved 21 follicles, 11 fertilized, 6 survived to Day3February2008... Transfered 2, Grade4, 8 Cell, above average, high quality embryos. One week later started bleeding. Negative blood work confirmed unsuccessful attempt February 15, 2008.... February 18, 2008, original BETA day, bleeding stopped and the world as I knew it was gone.September 18, 2008 Frozen Embryo Transfer on natural cycleSeptember 26, 2008 8DPT positive HPT. Currently awaiting official betaOctober 1, 2008 Beta 5... stop progesterone... looks like we're back to the drawing board.October 26, 2008 The transfered 2 embryos (Grade4 6 cell and Grade 3 8 cell)November 4 & 5, 2008 BFN on HPT's - physical signs supporting the negative. Things don't look good.BETA NEGATIVEJanuary 2009 A new plate to lick, a new can to kick... Cheers to a New Year and Old dreams IVF#2 here we comeJanuary, 6, 2009 CD1... let the fun begin. Not feeling particularly optimisticJanuary, 7, 2009 CD2... It seems Hope has arrived. We're ready.January, 19, 2009 ER...retrieved 11, 7 mature, 7 fertilized via ICSIJanuary, 22, 2009 ET... transfered 2 Grade 4 8 Cell EmbryosJanuary, 31, 2009 9DP3DT.... firs ++HPTFebruary 2, 2009 11DPT BETA...110February 4, 2009 13DPT BETA...292February 17, 2009 First u/s Scheduled

IVF#2 Cycle Journal

CD1 - 01/06/09 - Called in CD1 mid afternoon after 1.5 days of spotting. Questioned if it was 'red' enough, but went with it.CD2 - 01/07/09 - Found Hope after feeling particularly lost and abandoned.CD3 - 01/08/09 - U/S and B/W, paid bill ($6500 IVF+ICSI, $1085.35 for first round of drugs). AFC: 12R, 15L. 2.7mm Cysts on Lefty, but opted to proceed as last IVF cycle had 4cm cyst on righty that was a non-issue. Next U/S scheduled for CD7, 01/12/09. Start 150units of Puregon tonight between 4:00 -10:00PM... Lesson learned, never inject down the middle of anything, belly or leg. It increases risk of bruising.CD4 - 01/09/09 - Overall feeling good. Accidentally injected blood thinners and puregon too close to each other so, although not visible, I have very uncomfortable bruised belly. Time to switch the blood thinner injections to the legs to avoid further pin cushion issues.CD5 - 01/10/09 - No side effects to report. Injection sites still particularly tender, bleeding a little longer then expected. Almost forgot meds AGAIN!!CD6 - 01/11/09 - Emotions seem to be floating up to the surface a little easier... maybe a result of the Puregon? Some twinges in the ovary regions on right and left sidesCD7 - 01/12/09 - u/s and b/w... Cyst appears to be down 10mm. Both left and right sides have 3 follicles aside all measuring 8mm or 9mm. This is good as they're maturing together. Continue with 150 Puregon every night. Now add Micro dose HCG and Orgalutron ($378) Report back in 2 days. By end of day emotions got the best of me. I was exhausted ALL day and didn't feel awake until 4pm. I then became quite irritable and grumpy and very impatient.CD8 - 01/13/09 - Yesterday moodiness was pretty rotten. Today. No physical discomfort so far. Took orgalutron and HCG this AM... damn forgot the prenatal AGAIN!!! My spirits are much better today and I'm feeling a little more alert and in a better mood.CD9 - 01/14/09 - u/s and b/w... Lefty - 5 Follicles (14x2, 13, 12x2) Righty 5 follicles (13x2, 12,11,10) CD7 estrogen was at 908... up from 519 on the equivalent day last IVF. Moods are still a little irrational. CD10 - 01/15/09 - Feeling significantly more stable and in better spirits. Far less bloating... heck I almost feel like me. I wonder if that's because I exercised just a little last night?CD11 - 01/16/09 - u/s and b/w... We now have 8 follicles on each side (18mmx2, 17mmx3, 15mmx5, 14mmx3, 13mmx2 and one 12mm) E2 levels are coming in at 2632 from Wednesday, so again right on track.CD12 - 01/17/09 - Clinic was a ZOO!!! u/s was surprisingly comfortable. Especially with 12 on the right at 11 on the left. Due to the insanity I didn't take the time to write all the numbers down. We just know there is plenty. Moods remained stable and good. ER scheduled for Monday. Trigger at 9:30PM. No more puregon.CD13 - 01/18/09 - feeling a little more full. Just waiting it out till tomorrow's ER.CD14 - 01/19/09 - ER scheduled for 9:30. ER completed, 14 eggs retrieved. ER was equally as painful as previous ER, just more drugs so it's easier to forget. Went home around 11:30... slept till 4:30, moved to couch for the evening and back to bed by 9:00. Slept through the night. No pain killers required.CD15 - 01/20/09 - Fertility Report: of 14, 7 were mature, of 7, 7 were ICSI'd with 100% fertilization. Back at work, feeling fine. Transfer scheduled for Thursday. Started progesterone today - twice daily. Using Crinone.So much for being diligent and colour coordinated!Transfer was on CD17-01/22/09. We transferred two 8 cell grade 4 embryos and now we're just waiting because that's what the rules dictate.Cracked and tested 9DP3DT... light second line on cheapy no name test... didn't believe it. A little more believable at 10DPT with First Response... even better at 11DPT beta back at 110.... 13DPT... beta 292!!! Holy Cow!!!! This is really happening!!!

IVF#2 Running Tally

IVF: $5000.00ICSI: $1500.00First Pharmacy Visit: $1085.35Second Pharmacy Visit: $648.00Third Pharmacy Visit: $502Progesterone: $522Freezing: $750Assisted Hatching: $400Dostinex: $130Total to Date: $10,537.35POST IVF PREGNANCY MED COSTSProgesterone: $1044Diclectin: $1000Fragmin - 10,000 units: $600/monthPrenatals: $100/2months

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