1
Just a Thought....
Posted by
DesignerBug
,
14 November 2014
·
1605 views
I have a a few friends with Twins. Even a couple with triplets. Not all of them are IVF, but the truth is the majority are.
Because I'm a reflective type person, it brought back some memories of past conversations, past frustrations etc. and today, it brought with it a little light. Perhaps a little perspective that shows more than what we may think.
Having been there, I know the questions of when one is going to have kids, or if they're trying or if their kids are "natural" etc can be more than annoying for some. They can be down right offensive and infuriating. And rightfully so, especially for those of us who are or have experienced fertility challenges.
When we're faced with infertility treatments we have to surrender our most private parts and an expose our deepest fears. There are TEAMS of people that look into our hooha's and countless questions that invade our privacy on the deepest levels. But we do it, because we have a dream. Because there is no other choice. We do it, because that's just the way it is. Knowledge has to be gathered to be able to provide diagnoses and treatments. We expose ourselves with a purpose in hopes of gaining the rewards.
However, when we're out with friends, family or even approached by a stranger, these people are now invading an already broken space. The trouble is, that often they have no idea. They don't ask questions that can be perceived as invasive or rude to be invasive or rude. For those who ask that are close to us, they ask out of love. A love that we may not be ready to accept, but a love that we need.
As for those strangers who are asking if your twins are "natural".... well, ya, it totally doesn't sound right and there's really hardly any right way to ask the question... and well, maybe ya it shouldn't even be asked. But I present you with this perspective.
We have broken a barrier.
We have broken a silence.
This questions however uncomfortable they may feel to our frail, emotional selves are actually strong, good and amazing questions.
There was a time not to long ago where fertility was not spoken about. Not at home, not in the bedroom and certainly NEVER, EVER in public. There are places and families where this still exists.
Having been "THAT GIRL" that someone knows, who's friends with so and so, who tried to have a family for 6 years, did more than one IVF and a whole bunch of other stuff AND THEN got pregnant on her own, not once, but twice unexpectedly and had a 2nd trimester loss... I know that I had friends out there who probably referenced me at one point or another when they asked an inappropriate question. Maybe they were looking for a story of hope to share with me when I was down? Maybe they were testing out their new found awareness of infertility and how common it is. Maybe, they weren't doing it for me... they were doing it for the person they were asking. So they could offer reassurance and comfort and say.... "you're not alone."
The fact that invasive questions are being asked and people are talking about infertility more openly is a good thing. It means there is awareness. And with awareness comes more love and support. It means there are less people feeling less alone.
It means there is hope.
One of the biggest gifts that infertility ever gave me was the gift of perspective. Perspective can turn a bad moment into a raging moment. Or it can take the most heartbreaking devastation and grow a moment of love and hope.
Everyone else conceiving with ease and comfort around me made me come to see that not all those relationships were as strong as mine. It made me realize that my biggest fear was NOT never having kids. It was in fact loosing my husband and being alone. That if I didn't have him, then kids would never fix that.
Perspective was that even after the most devastating losses, that it meant that moment was over and only had to experience it once. Because no first time loss or failure was worse than any that came after it. And, that every single day was literally ONE DAY CLOSER to my goal as I always knew in my heart where I was destined to be, I just never knew how long it would take to get there.
Nowadays, I avoid asking those "inappropriate" questions because I've read all too often about how much people are hurt by them, and I don't want to contribute to any more pain in a potentially challenging frail situation. But I'm starting to rethink that. Maybe, I should stop hiding and keeping silent?
In the end... we have made progress on so many levels.
Scientifically, emotionally, spiritually... for all the tears that are shed, progress is being made. Awareness is happening and so many more people are no longer alone as they travel the roads to their families.
Because I'm a reflective type person, it brought back some memories of past conversations, past frustrations etc. and today, it brought with it a little light. Perhaps a little perspective that shows more than what we may think.
Having been there, I know the questions of when one is going to have kids, or if they're trying or if their kids are "natural" etc can be more than annoying for some. They can be down right offensive and infuriating. And rightfully so, especially for those of us who are or have experienced fertility challenges.
When we're faced with infertility treatments we have to surrender our most private parts and an expose our deepest fears. There are TEAMS of people that look into our hooha's and countless questions that invade our privacy on the deepest levels. But we do it, because we have a dream. Because there is no other choice. We do it, because that's just the way it is. Knowledge has to be gathered to be able to provide diagnoses and treatments. We expose ourselves with a purpose in hopes of gaining the rewards.
However, when we're out with friends, family or even approached by a stranger, these people are now invading an already broken space. The trouble is, that often they have no idea. They don't ask questions that can be perceived as invasive or rude to be invasive or rude. For those who ask that are close to us, they ask out of love. A love that we may not be ready to accept, but a love that we need.
As for those strangers who are asking if your twins are "natural".... well, ya, it totally doesn't sound right and there's really hardly any right way to ask the question... and well, maybe ya it shouldn't even be asked. But I present you with this perspective.
We have broken a barrier.
We have broken a silence.
This questions however uncomfortable they may feel to our frail, emotional selves are actually strong, good and amazing questions.
There was a time not to long ago where fertility was not spoken about. Not at home, not in the bedroom and certainly NEVER, EVER in public. There are places and families where this still exists.
Having been "THAT GIRL" that someone knows, who's friends with so and so, who tried to have a family for 6 years, did more than one IVF and a whole bunch of other stuff AND THEN got pregnant on her own, not once, but twice unexpectedly and had a 2nd trimester loss... I know that I had friends out there who probably referenced me at one point or another when they asked an inappropriate question. Maybe they were looking for a story of hope to share with me when I was down? Maybe they were testing out their new found awareness of infertility and how common it is. Maybe, they weren't doing it for me... they were doing it for the person they were asking. So they could offer reassurance and comfort and say.... "you're not alone."
The fact that invasive questions are being asked and people are talking about infertility more openly is a good thing. It means there is awareness. And with awareness comes more love and support. It means there are less people feeling less alone.
It means there is hope.
One of the biggest gifts that infertility ever gave me was the gift of perspective. Perspective can turn a bad moment into a raging moment. Or it can take the most heartbreaking devastation and grow a moment of love and hope.
Everyone else conceiving with ease and comfort around me made me come to see that not all those relationships were as strong as mine. It made me realize that my biggest fear was NOT never having kids. It was in fact loosing my husband and being alone. That if I didn't have him, then kids would never fix that.
Perspective was that even after the most devastating losses, that it meant that moment was over and only had to experience it once. Because no first time loss or failure was worse than any that came after it. And, that every single day was literally ONE DAY CLOSER to my goal as I always knew in my heart where I was destined to be, I just never knew how long it would take to get there.
Nowadays, I avoid asking those "inappropriate" questions because I've read all too often about how much people are hurt by them, and I don't want to contribute to any more pain in a potentially challenging frail situation. But I'm starting to rethink that. Maybe, I should stop hiding and keeping silent?
In the end... we have made progress on so many levels.
Scientifically, emotionally, spiritually... for all the tears that are shed, progress is being made. Awareness is happening and so many more people are no longer alone as they travel the roads to their families.
- gibasgirl, runnerchick, smurfette_w and 4 others like this
Your Privacy Choices
I understand that many find it offensive and hurt by having been asked such questions, but I also agree with your point. The fact that these questions come up mean that awareness is happening, it's a good thing. In time, the boundaries of what is appropriate (like "what do you do for a living?") and what is inappropriate (like "how much do you make?") will be tested and drawn out. But overall, it's a good thing that these questions come up.