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Just a Thought....

Posted by DesignerBug , 14 November 2014 · 1293 views

I have a a few friends with Twins. Even a couple with triplets. Not all of them are IVF, but the truth is the majority are.
 
Because I'm a reflective type person, it brought back some memories of past conversations, past frustrations etc. and today, it brought with it a little light. Perhaps a little perspective that shows more than what we may think.
 
Having been there, I know the questions of when one is going to have kids, or if they're trying or if their kids are "natural" etc can be more than annoying for some. They can be down right offensive and infuriating. And rightfully so, especially for those of us who are or have experienced fertility challenges.
 
When we're faced with infertility treatments we have to surrender our most private parts and an expose our deepest fears. There are TEAMS of people that look into our hooha's and countless questions that invade our privacy on the deepest levels. But we do it, because we have a dream. Because there is no other choice. We do it, because that's just the way it is. Knowledge has to be gathered to be able to provide diagnoses and treatments. We expose ourselves with a purpose in hopes of gaining the rewards.
 
However, when we're out with friends, family or even approached by a stranger, these people are now invading an already broken space. The trouble is, that often they have no idea. They don't ask questions that can be perceived as invasive or rude to be invasive or rude. For those who ask that are close to us, they ask out of love. A love that we may not be ready to accept, but a love that we need.
 
As for those strangers who are asking if your twins are "natural".... well, ya, it totally doesn't sound right and there's really hardly any right way to ask the question... and well, maybe ya it shouldn't even be asked. But I present you with this perspective.
 
We have broken a barrier.
 
We have broken a silence.
 
This questions however uncomfortable they may feel to our frail, emotional selves are actually strong, good and amazing questions.
 
There was a time not to long ago where fertility was not spoken about. Not at home, not in the bedroom and certainly NEVER, EVER in public. There are places and families where this still exists.
 
Having been "THAT GIRL" that someone knows, who's friends with so and so, who tried to have a family for 6 years, did more than one IVF and a whole bunch of other stuff AND THEN got pregnant on her own, not once, but twice unexpectedly and had a 2nd trimester loss... I know that I had friends out there who probably referenced me at one point or another when they asked an inappropriate question. Maybe they were looking for a story of hope to share with me when I was down? Maybe they were testing out their new found awareness of infertility and how common it is. Maybe, they weren't doing it for me... they were doing it for the person they were asking. So they could offer reassurance and comfort and say.... "you're not alone."
 
The fact that invasive questions are being asked and people are talking about infertility more openly is a good thing. It means there is awareness. And with awareness comes more love and support. It means there are less people feeling less alone.
 
It means there is hope.
 
One of the biggest gifts that infertility ever gave me was the gift of perspective. Perspective can turn a bad moment into a raging moment. Or it can take the most heartbreaking devastation and grow a moment of love and hope.
 
Everyone else conceiving with ease and comfort around me made me come to see that not all those relationships were as strong as mine. It made me realize that my biggest fear was NOT never having kids. It was in fact loosing my husband and being alone. That if I didn't have him, then kids would never fix that.
 
Perspective was that even after the most devastating losses, that it meant that moment was over and only had to experience it once. Because no first time loss or failure was worse than any that came after it. And, that every single day was literally ONE DAY CLOSER to my goal as I always knew in my heart where I was destined to be, I just never knew how long it would take to get there.
 
Nowadays, I avoid asking those "inappropriate" questions because I've read all too often about how much people are hurt by them, and I don't want to contribute to any more pain in a potentially challenging frail  situation. But I'm starting to rethink that. Maybe, I should stop hiding and keeping silent?
 
In the end... we have made progress on so many levels.
 
Scientifically, emotionally, spiritually... for all the tears that are shed, progress is being made. Awareness is happening and so many more people are no longer alone as they travel the roads to their families.

  • gibasgirl, runnerchick, smurfette_w and 4 others like this



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smurfette_w
Nov 14 2014 05:12 PM

I understand that many find it offensive and hurt by having been asked such questions, but I also agree with your point.  The fact that these questions come up mean that awareness is happening, it's a good thing.  In time, the boundaries of what is appropriate (like "what do you do for a living?") and what is inappropriate (like "how much do you make?") will be tested and drawn out.  But overall, it's a good thing that these questions come up.

    • kookacola likes this

Your words are always comforting.  I love reading your blogs.  Thank you.

    • kookacola likes this

Good blog and such....alas, I still do not like people asking if my twins are natural...or such. I have identical twins and can educate people that identical twins do not run in families and such....and they are different types of identical pregnancies if they want to know the nitty gritty of mo/di and mo/mo....alas....I realize I am blessed and move on....

wow! Very thought provoking indeed.  As a pp said, you do know what to say and how to say it.  I rmember when I was pg with dd, my cousin asked if dd was a "real' baby lol, I said of course she was.  She then said "no did you use ivf or something" I never answered because I didn't want it getting back to some family members. 

A reminder on Change

If Nothing ever Changed, there would be no Butterflies."Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties tomorrow of its strength"Corrie Ten Boom

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I just wanted to say Hi! and welcome and thank you for taking the time to not just stop by, but for coming back and keeping up to date. My name is Danielle, but here I go by DesignerBug. I've been around the block, the neighbourhood and some. With over 5 years of challenging, learning and growing from reality of being reproductively challenged I have landed myself here on www.IVF.ca and for now, I like to call it home.Please check out the Archive Feature and the Categories Features posted along the side to help navigate your way through my thoughts, insights and meltdowns. Some days are overflowing with entries and you never know when you may have missed something.Please don't be shy. I'd love to hear your opinions, suggestions and reflections of my insights.... even the ones where you think I'm officially off my rocker. Just let me know from time to time that I'm not talking to myself.Thanks!

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My History

April 2003... Let the Fun BeginSeptember 2004... First Visit to a SpecialistOctober 2004... Diagnosed with elevated prolactinDec2004 - May2005... Monthly rounds of Fermera, unmonitoredDecember2004... Uterine BiopsyMay2005... Post Coital Exam... diagnosed, hostile mucus (noted 2 years later that the exam was 15 years outdated and ovulation/fertile window was never confirmed, so results were technically inconclusive)June 2005... First IUI with FermeraAugust 2005... 2nd IUI with FermeraOctober 2005... 3rd IUI with FermeraNovember 2005... Uterine BiopsyDecember 2006... 4th IUI with FermeraJanuary 2006... 5th IUI with ClomidFebruary2006... HSG/LAP day surgery... results minor endo maybe... but otherwise nothingFebruary 2006... First Appointment at Hamilton Health Sciences Centre for Reproductive Care.... first internal u/s FIRST proper monitoring of cycle... turns out all those other IUI's were unsuccessful because they were done too early, I O late.April 2006... First monitored IUI with Clomid (6th IUI)May 2006... 7th IUI - First with injectablesJune 2006 - Canceled IUI... over stimulatedAugust 2006... 8th IUI - 2nd with injectablesDecember 2006... 9th IUI - 3rd with injectablesJanuary 2007 - BROKEN!!! Gave up for a year2007 - No Treatments! No drugs!October 2007... First consult for IVFOctober2007... Attended IVF Info SeminarNovermber2007... consult appointment, everything seemed good to go.December 2007.... another appointment... suddenly told I need to complete an EKG, PAP and series of blood tests before moving forward. Then encountered furhter delay due to Christmas holidays.January2008... Following identification of 4cm ovarian cyst on CD3 u/s... pushed for no more delays and got the cycle going.February2008... Retrieved 21 follicles, 11 fertilized, 6 survived to Day3February2008... Transfered 2, Grade4, 8 Cell, above average, high quality embryos. One week later started bleeding. Negative blood work confirmed unsuccessful attempt February 15, 2008.... February 18, 2008, original BETA day, bleeding stopped and the world as I knew it was gone.September 18, 2008 Frozen Embryo Transfer on natural cycleSeptember 26, 2008 8DPT positive HPT. Currently awaiting official betaOctober 1, 2008 Beta 5... stop progesterone... looks like we're back to the drawing board.October 26, 2008 The transfered 2 embryos (Grade4 6 cell and Grade 3 8 cell)November 4 & 5, 2008 BFN on HPT's - physical signs supporting the negative. Things don't look good.BETA NEGATIVEJanuary 2009 A new plate to lick, a new can to kick... Cheers to a New Year and Old dreams IVF#2 here we comeJanuary, 6, 2009 CD1... let the fun begin. Not feeling particularly optimisticJanuary, 7, 2009 CD2... It seems Hope has arrived. We're ready.January, 19, 2009 ER...retrieved 11, 7 mature, 7 fertilized via ICSIJanuary, 22, 2009 ET... transfered 2 Grade 4 8 Cell EmbryosJanuary, 31, 2009 9DP3DT.... firs ++HPTFebruary 2, 2009 11DPT BETA...110February 4, 2009 13DPT BETA...292February 17, 2009 First u/s Scheduled

IVF#2 Cycle Journal

CD1 - 01/06/09 - Called in CD1 mid afternoon after 1.5 days of spotting. Questioned if it was 'red' enough, but went with it.CD2 - 01/07/09 - Found Hope after feeling particularly lost and abandoned.CD3 - 01/08/09 - U/S and B/W, paid bill ($6500 IVF+ICSI, $1085.35 for first round of drugs). AFC: 12R, 15L. 2.7mm Cysts on Lefty, but opted to proceed as last IVF cycle had 4cm cyst on righty that was a non-issue. Next U/S scheduled for CD7, 01/12/09. Start 150units of Puregon tonight between 4:00 -10:00PM... Lesson learned, never inject down the middle of anything, belly or leg. It increases risk of bruising.CD4 - 01/09/09 - Overall feeling good. Accidentally injected blood thinners and puregon too close to each other so, although not visible, I have very uncomfortable bruised belly. Time to switch the blood thinner injections to the legs to avoid further pin cushion issues.CD5 - 01/10/09 - No side effects to report. Injection sites still particularly tender, bleeding a little longer then expected. Almost forgot meds AGAIN!!CD6 - 01/11/09 - Emotions seem to be floating up to the surface a little easier... maybe a result of the Puregon? Some twinges in the ovary regions on right and left sidesCD7 - 01/12/09 - u/s and b/w... Cyst appears to be down 10mm. Both left and right sides have 3 follicles aside all measuring 8mm or 9mm. This is good as they're maturing together. Continue with 150 Puregon every night. Now add Micro dose HCG and Orgalutron ($378) Report back in 2 days. By end of day emotions got the best of me. I was exhausted ALL day and didn't feel awake until 4pm. I then became quite irritable and grumpy and very impatient.CD8 - 01/13/09 - Yesterday moodiness was pretty rotten. Today. No physical discomfort so far. Took orgalutron and HCG this AM... damn forgot the prenatal AGAIN!!! My spirits are much better today and I'm feeling a little more alert and in a better mood.CD9 - 01/14/09 - u/s and b/w... Lefty - 5 Follicles (14x2, 13, 12x2) Righty 5 follicles (13x2, 12,11,10) CD7 estrogen was at 908... up from 519 on the equivalent day last IVF. Moods are still a little irrational. CD10 - 01/15/09 - Feeling significantly more stable and in better spirits. Far less bloating... heck I almost feel like me. I wonder if that's because I exercised just a little last night?CD11 - 01/16/09 - u/s and b/w... We now have 8 follicles on each side (18mmx2, 17mmx3, 15mmx5, 14mmx3, 13mmx2 and one 12mm) E2 levels are coming in at 2632 from Wednesday, so again right on track.CD12 - 01/17/09 - Clinic was a ZOO!!! u/s was surprisingly comfortable. Especially with 12 on the right at 11 on the left. Due to the insanity I didn't take the time to write all the numbers down. We just know there is plenty. Moods remained stable and good. ER scheduled for Monday. Trigger at 9:30PM. No more puregon.CD13 - 01/18/09 - feeling a little more full. Just waiting it out till tomorrow's ER.CD14 - 01/19/09 - ER scheduled for 9:30. ER completed, 14 eggs retrieved. ER was equally as painful as previous ER, just more drugs so it's easier to forget. Went home around 11:30... slept till 4:30, moved to couch for the evening and back to bed by 9:00. Slept through the night. No pain killers required.CD15 - 01/20/09 - Fertility Report: of 14, 7 were mature, of 7, 7 were ICSI'd with 100% fertilization. Back at work, feeling fine. Transfer scheduled for Thursday. Started progesterone today - twice daily. Using Crinone.So much for being diligent and colour coordinated!Transfer was on CD17-01/22/09. We transferred two 8 cell grade 4 embryos and now we're just waiting because that's what the rules dictate.Cracked and tested 9DP3DT... light second line on cheapy no name test... didn't believe it. A little more believable at 10DPT with First Response... even better at 11DPT beta back at 110.... 13DPT... beta 292!!! Holy Cow!!!! This is really happening!!!

IVF#2 Running Tally

IVF: $5000.00ICSI: $1500.00First Pharmacy Visit: $1085.35Second Pharmacy Visit: $648.00Third Pharmacy Visit: $502Progesterone: $522Freezing: $750Assisted Hatching: $400Dostinex: $130Total to Date: $10,537.35POST IVF PREGNANCY MED COSTSProgesterone: $1044Diclectin: $1000Fragmin - 10,000 units: $600/monthPrenatals: $100/2months

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